27. BODI
27
P art of me feels bad for not telling her what day it is, but part of me doesn’t. Spending today of all days with her, as if it’s just any other day, is the best thing I could ask for.
“Where are we going, Kayla?” I have a feeling she’s dragging me into something silly, like laser tag or bowling.
‘ You can pick the place to eat, but only if I can pick where we go after ,’ she’d said at home, her face all rays of sunshine. But the truth is, I’ll happily oblige with whatever she wants me to do. She pushes me out of my comfort zone, forcing me to play and let go of my worries. Even if it’s just a hot minute.
“You’ll see.” Her arm is linked with mine as we strut down the street together after having dinner at some Italian bistro, now on our way to whatever she planned for the night. As long as it ends with her naked, sitting on top of me, I’m on board.
“How was your dad?” she asks.
I quickly glance down at her with the corner of my mouth moving up a little.
The last few times she’s seen my father have been in moments of urgency, when the doctor’s requested me to come because of his aggressive behavior and she happened to be with me. I assumed her happy attitude toward my dad was formed from politeness. Wanting to be nice to him to please me . But after I saw how much she helped my father at the charity ball, how much she took care of him, I know she genuinely likes him.
“Not good,” I reply, honestly. “He didn’t recognize me today, and when the nurse came to do his check-ups, he only replied with single words.” It’s devastating to see how my father is trapped in the shell of his body. I like to believe that the flash of recognition when I walk in is real, and not some kind of figment of my imagination. But part of me knows that it’s just something I’m desperate to believe. That he’s already slipping away, too far for me to reach him.
Only moments of wonder will bring him back to me until he won’t be able to return at all.
She squeezes my arm. “I’m sorry.”
I suck in a heavy breath, then exhale forcefully to get rid of some of the tension.
“It is what it is. I hope someday soon he’ll have a good day again.”
We keep carrying our feet down the street with big strides, and I’m immensely grateful I have her. To have her close, to bury myself in her instead of the darkness that fuels my concerns.
“Are you saying goodbye?” Her blue eyes peer up at me. “Like, are you already preparing yourself for it?”
“I am. I know that one day, the good days will be over probably before his heart stops.” My voice sounds gruff, hating the fact that this is my reality when it comes to my father.
“I’ll be here for you.”
I place my hand over hers. “Thank you.”
She sucks a lungful of the brisk air of the night, before pushing it out with a content sigh.
“I can’t believe it’s the last day of March already. Time flies by so fast,” she mentions, and I hum in agreement. The months have certainly flown by, and if you asked me on New Year’s that I was going to spend today with Kayla Lockheart, I’d tell you to stop telling me bullshit. But now that she’s here, on my arm, it all makes sense when nothing else really does.
My world feels upside down half of the time, but it all feels right when I go to bed with her in my arms.
“We’re here.” She halts us, and I look up at the front of the building.
“You want us to go to a bar?” I frown. “You’re not even allowed to drink.”
“I know.” She rolls her eyes. “But I thought we could just have fun. Have a few cocktails. Or mocktails , if you want to be a buzzkill about it. You know, do something different from watching a movie.”
I slide my hands in her hair, bringing my lips close to hers. “I like watching movies with you.”
“That’s because they result in sex.”
“You know me so well.” I smile, then press my lips against hers.
“We can watch a movie tomorrow, okay? Let’s just go out tonight.”
“You’re just trying to cheat me into another date, aren’t you?”
Her brows raise in surprise, the light blue in her eyes dancing in the light of the moon. “So you agree they were dates?”
“No, I don’t,” I snort, trying to take back my words.
“You’re so full of shit, McKay.” With a genuine laugh, she pulls me into the bar.
So fucking full of shit.
When we enter, the humid air hits me in the face. The faint scent of beer mixed with tequila lingers in the air, mixed with fried oil coming from the kitchen.
I follow her into the back, her hand in mine. Quickly, a feeling of suspicion makes me narrow my eyes. Does she know?
“Where are you going?”
“You’ll see.” She glances over her shoulder, shooting me a teasing wink without missing a single step. At the back of the bar, she exchanges a look with the bartender, and he hands her a key. I give her a tentative look, though I have an idea of where this is going, and she replies with a sneaky one.
“What are you up to?” I slowly saunter behind her as she opens a door next to the bar that’s hidden by a deep red curtain.
“I could ask you the same, McKay,” she taunts, with a scowl. “I thought that you and I established some kind of friendship.” She swings the door open. Behind it sits a spiral staircase, and at a slow pace, she starts to climb it. It’s dark, only a small light on top giving some view of the steps.
“We have.” I drag out the words, a little confused where we are going.
“See! You’d think that.” She reaches the top, then waits for me to join her. “But if that was the case, you would’ve told me that today is your birthday.”
Shit.
I halt at her words, busted as fuck, blinking at her smug grin.
“Happy birthday!” Lights flip on, and my heart jumps out of my chest at the sudden voices blasting around me.
I snap my head toward the noise through the railing, looking into the room. My eyes instantly lock with Jensen’s before I let them roam over the rest of my friends all waiting for me with beaming smiles.
“What the fuck?” I blurt, stunned.
A big banner hangs above their heads that says Happy Birthday Ozzy , something I’m sure was Jensen’s idea, and the rest of the area is decorated with black and white balloons that say thirty on them. They break out in song, singing Happy Birthday while I make the rest of the steps up.
“You didn’t think you could hide your birthday from me, right?” Kayla’s hands are propped up on her sides.
Actually, I thought I was doing a pretty good job. Joke’s on me, but I don’t even care, because my mind might be having a what the fuck moment, my heart is back to wanting to kiss her senseless.
“I’m sorry.” I bite my lip, my fingers wrapping around her neck, staring into her eyes. “I didn’t want to make a big deal about it.”
“Too bad.” She smirks and I let out a chuckle.
“Thank you.” I press my lips to her forehead, then make my way to my friends.
“Happy birthday, fuckface!” Jensen greets me with open arms, and I give him a hug as he slaps my back.
“Thank you, I can’t believe you’re all here,” I gleam. I received birthday messages from everyone this morning. I even did a FaceTime session with Rae, but after I told everyone I didn’t really plan to do anything with my birthday, I thought that was it.
I would grab some dinner with Kayla, watch a movie, and head to bed. But now that they are here, my heart fills to ridiculous proportions, feeling the love they have for me. It’s a welcoming distraction I didn’t even know I needed.
“You didn’t really think we weren’t going to do anything for your thirtieth birthday?” Rae scolds with a ghost of a smile. I wrap her in my arms, squeezing her body tight against mine. "We drove seven hours just so I could wish you a happy birthday!"
“Thanks, goldilocks.” When I let go of her, her brown eyes stand out against her blonde hair, peering up at me with kindness.
“Happy birthday, Bodi.”
My gaze meets Hunter’s, looking like the forever bad boy with his black snapback on backwards like always. His eyes are sparkling, no longer filled with the despair that glossed them when I first met him, and just briefly, I wonder if that’s in the cards for me. He reaches out his hand, and I eagerly take it before he pulls me into a hug.
“Happy Birthday, man.”
“Thank you! How is the little man?” We break loose, and I fix my eyes on his wife, Charlotte. She’s looking amazing, especially considering she just pushed out a human being three months ago. Her dirty blonde hair is voluminous, framing her pretty face, while her green eyes are filled with excitement.
“Logan is great. He’s so sweet. I can cuddle him all day.” Her gaze turns to mush, her pupils rapidly becoming moist at the thought of her newborn, and Hunter pulls her against his side as he wraps his arm around her shoulders, then presses a kiss on top of her hair.
“Babe, he’s fine. We’re going to have some fun and we’ll head home first thing tomorrow, okay?”
“Yeah.” She frantically nods her head as if she’s trying to shake her mom’s feelings away, putting a smile on my face. “Happy birthday, Bodi.”
“First time,” Hunter mouths above her head.
“You left your kid with someone else for the first time because of my birthday?”
She nods. “Of course. I wouldn’t want to miss your birthday.”
“Thanks, Charlotte. Means a lot. Where did you take the little man?”
“Nana.” She smirks, mentioning Rae’s grandmother.
“Oh, then he’ll definitely be fine. He might even get his first fried chicken, if he’s lucky.”
“He’s twelve weeks, Bodi.” She shakes her head with a dull expression.
“Sorry, I know shit about babies.” We break out into laughter before my gaze falls on Jason. The bastard holds my gaze with a wolfish grin, and I shake my head, then wrap my arms around him.
“Don’t start, Spencer,” I chuckle as I whisper in his ear.
“Don’t start what?”
I break loose, accusingly pointing my finger at him, and his arms cross in front of his body, his grin never lowering. “You know what.”
“I don’t. Care to inform me?”
“Just shut up. The entire fucking night.”
“I make no promises,” he laughs, brushing his hand through his short blonde hair.
“Julie!” I bring her in for a big hug, using her as a human shield against my brown nosing friend. Her dirty blond hair is cut to her shoulders, and her brown eyes give me a kind look, radiating with spirit.
“Nice to see you, birthday boy.” She’s a confident woman, but something in her tone has my brows quivering.
“Are you okay?” I murmur with my arms still around. Her body tenses, before it relaxes in my embrace, and I find her glassed gaze.
“It’s complicated.” She then brushes it away before I can ask her what’s going on. “But nothing that can’t be fixed with a good cocktail.”
“Or shots,” I reply with a grin before Kayla tugs on my arm.
“Come. Sit! Sit!” I offer Julie an apologetic look before Kayla guides me onto the red big corner sofa that sits under the window. The room is decently sized, giving us enough space to dance if we want to, while on the left wall stands a small bar with a bartender standing behind it. It’s like a quaint little attic, converted to our private bar.
“Can you put some music on?” Kayla calls out to the bartender and within seconds, a Coldplay song is audible in the background.
We fall down on the couch, while the rest follow, all eyes settling on me. I watch how Rae hands Kayla a gift, and she takes it with her light blue eyes glimmering with joy.
Like a kid in the candy store, she peers up with me, holding the silver wrapped gift in front of me. She looks like it’s her birthday instead of mine, and it’s fucking adorable.
“I got you a gift.”
“You got me a gift?” I parrot, a little speechless.
The reason I didn’t tell Kayla it was my birthday is that I wanted to avoid creating a feeling of expectation. Our relationship is unconventional as fuck, and I didn’t want her to feel like she needed to get me a gift for my birthday. But she did.
The fact that she did, though?
Well, it fucks with my mind.
It fucks with my heart.
It fucks with everything.
Kayla fucks with everything I’m trying to hold on to. Like a perfectly decorated Christmas tree, rattling until my insecurities and fears fall to the floor like shattering ornaments.
“Well, open it!”
In an astonishing daze, I pull the paper from the gift. And a book from one of my favorite authors comes out, mouth lifting into a smile all on its own. I’m about to thank her, until I realize the edges are a little torn. I flip it around in my hands, my fingers feeling the cover for any damage before I pull it open, looking for the publication date.
When I read the words I’m looking for, my eyes almost fall out of my head, and I give her an incredulous look. “You bought me a first edition?”
She nods, giving me a gushed look. The blue in her eyes seems to pop more from her desire to give to me. Her pink lips sit in a satisfied smile. She has never looked more beautiful than she does right now, and without a second thought, I grab her neck. Fuck it.
Briskly, I crash my lips against hers, not giving a damn who sees us. Hollers erupt around us, and she grins against my mouth while I hold her tightly against me. My heart beats faster, and an unfamiliar feeling ripples down my skin. I have no clue what it is, but it feels fucking good.
“Geez, it’s just a book,” Jensen grouses in the background.
Asshole.
“Do you think it has pictures?” Hunter chimes in.
Bastard.
“Thank you,” I whisper, pressing my forehead against hers.
“You’re welcome.” Her giggles sound like music to my ears, and I can’t resist pressing another kiss to her lips, then I try to put the focus somewhere else by blasting, “Okay, who’s next!”
I need to reign in my cock, before I drag my girl into the bathroom and take her as my birthday present. Deep breaths.
“I am! Just don’t kiss me,” Jensen replies with a gift in his hand, and we all laugh.
I unwrap everyone’s gifts, thanking each and every one of them before Rae decides it’s time to go dancing. She pulls the rest of the girls from the couch before they tell the bartender what they want to hear and they completely get into the song.
Happy fucking birthday to me.
The only thing missing is my dad, but having all my friends around me feels like the greatest blessing.
For the next thirty minutes, I sit on the couch with Hunter and Jason, discussing the new fighter that took Hunter’s place after he retired, but I can only keep my focus for two minutes before my eyes are drawn to the one thing that keeps occupying my mind. Kayla moves her hips smoothly to some kind of sassy song, and I watch her, sipping my rum from my seat while never missing a beat.
Every time I think I’ve figured her out, she surprises me with something else. She keeps me on my toes, calls me out on my bullshit and even my fears when she’s really on fire, and she’s bending over backwards to help me out with my dad.
She organized a surprise party for my birthday.
This started out as something physical, a friend with benefits bullshit, but the longer she lives in my condo, the more I realize this is something way more than that. She’s falling…and she might not be the only one.
“So, what’s the deal between you two?” Jensen flops his body next to me on the couch, and I lock eyes with him.
“Yeah, spill it, McKay.” When I twist my head to Hunter, he and Jason have cut off their conversation, both looking at me in anticipation.
“Come on, guys. It’s my birthday.” It’s one thing to let all my forbidden thoughts set root in my brain in the comfort of my own brain, it’s a whole other thing to confess them to my friends.
“Right, you’re thirty now. Old enough to fess up about your relationship with Rae’s cute little cousin over there,” Jason pitches in.
“She’s not as cute when she’s living with you,” Jensen mutters, taking a drink with a half scowl.
“I don’t know. She seemed pretty comfy when I left a couple months ago.” Jason shakes his head, the tattle tail bastard.
“Maybe it wouldn’t be an issue if you and Rae hadn’t been hopping like bunnies.”
“Oh, you’re defending her honor now? How cute .” I give my friend a glare, suppressing the smile that’s dying to come out because he’s right. “So are you together?”
Yes.
“No.” The answer is short and out before I know it, instantly chipping away at my cheery mood.
“But?” Hunter gives me a questioning look.
“But,” I drawl, “it’s complicated.” It’s a flat-out lie because I can’t even point out what’s complicated about it. Kayla has been stirring feelings inside of me I didn’t know I was capable of, and it feels good. Better than anything has ever felt. But there is still something inside of me that’s holding me back from taking that last step. To claim her as my own for everyone to see.
“Isn’t it always?” Jensen huffs. “It’s clear you like her.”
“I do. We have fun.”
“Dude, she just bought you a first edition book. I don’t know shit about books, but I do know you can’t buy something like that for twenty bucks at Barnes & Noble.” Jason pauses. “Are you sure it’s just fun? Does she feel the same?”
Yes.
No.
Pretty sure she’s all in.
A month ago, I would’ve said yes. Kayla agreed to the same thing as me. Friends. Sex. That’s it. Nothing more. But I can’t deny that after this gift, I’m not so sure anymore.
After this party.
But that’s not what has my mind all wrapped up right now. It’s the fact that I don’t know if I still want to be just friends. It’s the fact that everything inside of me tells me it’s not enough.
It will never be enough.
I let out a grunt, bringing my gaze up to the ceiling. “I don’t know.” My head shakes. “She’s young.” The only lame ass excuse that keeps popping out of my mouth by default.
“So?” Hunter asks. His tone is telling me I’m full of shit.
“I’m her boss.”
“You own the company,” Jensen deadpans.
“Look, we agreed on friends with benefits. I told her from the start that I don’t date.” It doesn’t seem to prevent me from falling, though.
“Okay, so when she finds some guy who does want to date her, you’re just going to let her walk?” I snap my head at Jason, the thought slicing through my heart.
My mind is shouting hell no.
“No. Yeah. I don’t know,” I stammer.
“You better think about it, buddy.” Hunter slams his palm on my knee. “Girls like that are not going to wait for us to figure it out.”
“Yours did,” I counter.
“Nah, she didn’t. I was too late. But fate happened to be on my side and gave me a second chance.”
“And by fate, he means she wasn’t married with a baby yet, and I forced him to fucking grow up.” Jason gives me a smug grin and Hunter playfully swats his chest.
“Don’t wait too long to figure it out, Bodi. You’ll have to make a choice eventually.” I twist my head to my best friend before he adds, “Or one day, you’ll wake up, and she will have made the choice for you.”
My eyes move back to Kayla. Her brown hair sways around her shoulders, her beaming smile making a thousand bugs crawl through my stomach while the thought of her dating someone else rips my heart apart.
“Yeah,” I concede. “I know.”And there is no way I could ever fucking handle that.