33. BODI
33
“ T hank you for coming in, Mr. McKay.” I shake his hand, shooting him a tight smile before he gestures to me to take a seat.
I don’t get nervous easily. There is not a lot that will get me rattled, but right now I’m like a kid on a sugar rush. My knee is twitching and I fumble with the keys in my hand.
It’s bad. I know it.
The doctor rounds his desk to sit behind it. With his hands folding in front of him, resting on the surface, he gives me a tentative look.
“This is it, isn’t it?” I croak out.
The deep sigh says enough, and I slowly feel my brain losing its concentration as the doctor’s lips start to move.
“Your father is refusing to eat. We see this a lot in the final stage of dementia.”
Final stage of dementia.
My father is going to die.
I register the sound that’s coming from the doctor’s mouth, but in my head, they quickly drown out, forming nothing more than a muffled sound in the background, because those six words are all that’s going through my head. The only thing my mind shouts at me harder and harder every time I repeat the words.
My father is going to die.
Flashbacks of my mother’s funeral water my eyes, my mouth turning dry as I’m having a hard time breathing.
Going to boarding school at an early age made me grow up quicker than I anticipated, but my mother’s death made me feel like a little boy all over again. Jensen was there for me, but he couldn’t give me the comfort I got from my dad. His firm grip around my shoulders every time my emotions got the best of me and my tears would flow out like a waterfall.
I know my mother didn’t commit suicide. I know she didn’t intend to overdose, but it still feels like she left me. Like I wasn’t enough for her to stay sober for.
To stay alive for.
My father filled that void as much as he could, and we grew closer in the last decade than we had been in the first sixteen years of my life. I made something out of myself, but I couldn’t have done it without the knowledge of him encouraging me on. Every achievement, every success, every bestseller, he was there.
But in the last year, I saw him wither away like a flower, slowly dying underneath my gaze. I thought I was accepting it, but now that the doctor is telling me what I’ve been fearing for a while, I can’t.
I don’t know how to move forward without him.
I don’t want to be alone.
I can’t be alone.
“Sir?” My eyes flash back to the doctor as I wipe my eyes dry.
“Sorry?”
“I know this is a lot to process. But you need to prepare yourself for the end.”
The end . What am I going to do? Does he want a funeral? A cremation? A big ceremony? Or just a small gathering? Can he still answer these questions or will they only freak him out? Where’s the fucking grown up to help me with this shit?
The truth hit me hard in the face. There isn’t.
I’m all alone..
I clear my throat, squaring my shoulders. “How long does he have?”
“We never really know. But I’d say weeks. Tops.”
I nod. “I understand.”
The walls of his cramped office feel like they are about to swallow me whole and I quickly get up, desperate to get the hell out of here.
He tilts his head in surprise at my sudden move, before reluctantly taking the hand I’m reaching out.
“Thank you for informing me, doctor.”
Like I’m haunted by the devil, I dart out of the room, my cheeks flushed from the lack of air. I carry myself out of the building on autopilot, completely lost in my own thoughts, until the sun hits me in the face and I suck in a deep breath.
It feels like my head merges from under the water and I close my eyes to focus on my breathing to get it back together. But when my cheeks become stained with tears, I’m not sure if I’ll ever get it back together.
I don’t remember walking out of Peartree Park, getting into my car or even driving home, but the smell of Kayla’s rosy scent seems to bring me back to life for a bit when I amble through my front door.
Kayla’s face lights up when she sees me before it falls with worry.
Fuck, I need her.
“Are you okay?” She places the manuscript in her hands on the table, getting up to walk toward me. I meet her halfway, slamming my body against hers in a tight grip. My knees grow weak when her hands softly slide up and down my spine, comforting me as she waits for me to say something. Anything.
I press a kiss to her temple.
“What did the doctor say?” Her blue eyes search for something on my face, and I breathe in while my lips curl into a pitiful smile.
I can’t. I can’t tell her all the shit I have to prepare for, because I’m not ready to make it real.
“Nothing we didn’t already know.” Her brows knit together, and I rub my thumb over one, trying to erase the crease of her frown. “Don’t worry about it, baby. He just wanted to give me a heads up. Tell me my father is moving into the final stage.”
Not a lie.
I’m amazed at how easily the words leave my lips, cutting me deep inside my soul.
“I’m sorry, Bodi,” she tells me, her arms still linked around my back.
“Don’t be, baby. I’m fine.” I hate myself for lying to her. I want to tell her the truth. To tell her that I’m falling apart, my heart being sliced into a thousand pieces, but the only thing that’s preventing me from collapsing in agony is the fact that she’s in my arms. The fact that she’s still looking at me like I mean the world to her and, right now, that’s what I need. To be someone’s world. To not feel as small as I feel deep down. To make myself believe I’m not alone, because soon I will be.
“Do you need anything?” she asks.
“Yes. You.” I’m dying to be inside of her, to feel her body wrapped around mine in comfort.
I easily lift her up, putting her legs around my waist before I carry her toward my bedroom. She’s staring at me with her eyes slightly narrowed, holding my head in her hands.
“Are you sure?”
I want to tell her I’m not sure about anything right now. That life as I know it will change and that I need her to make me forget all about it.
My mind wants to feel lost from all responsibility, letting go of all my fears, and she is the only remedy against it. She is the only one who can make me forget whatever shit is going on in life.
“Just give me you,” I huff against her lips as I lay her down on my mattress. “Give me you and everything will be alright.”
She smiles. “You already have me, Bodi.”
I know . If only I could keep you.