37. BODI
37
I ’m a fucking mess.
The next morning, I wake up with my nose buried in her hair, my arms hugging her against my chest while my morning wood falls perfectly in the crack of her ass.
I suck in a lungful of her sweet scent, mixed with a sultry whim of her sweat.
Last night, I almost had a heart attack when I saw that little shit with his hands around her neck. It took every fiber in my being to not rip his head off his torso, but I knew the asshole wasn’t worth jail time. After he bolted out, all I wanted to do was take her to bed and wrap my arms around her the entire night like she was mine to hold. Like she was mine to protect.
So I did.
Against better judgment.
But today my judgment is returning with a megaphone.
She’s sound asleep, and it’s tempting to wake her up with my lips cherishing her body, but something tugs on my heart. A fearful feeling washes over me. I should get out. I should create distance to protect her.
I can’t give her what she wants. I can’t give her what she deserves. I might be an upgrade from Trent, not a hard thing to be, but I’m not her happily ever after. I can’t be that guy for her.
Frustrated, I quickly get out of bed, leaving the warmth of her body against mine.
Regret is almost instant, but like every other issue in my life, I toss it aside.
As quietly as I can, I grab my sweats from the floor before making my way to the kitchen. The cold floor underneath my feet pushes away the last of the fogginess in my mind, and I head straight for the coffee machine.
Automatically, I put my cup under, then push the button while rubbing a hand over my face with a sharp pain in my chest.
What am I fucking doing?
How can I have let it get this far?
Why didn’t she tell me about her abusive boyfriend?
Now I realize why she’s been avoiding his calls and why her body goes completely rigid just by seeing his name. The thought of him hurting her over the past year grinds my teeth and when she was safely in my arms, all I wanted to do was show her how she deserves better.
How she doesn’t have to feel ashamed about anything. How she isn’t damaged. He didn’t break her, because boys like that can’t break girls like her.
I wasn’t supposed to sleep with her, but it was a moment of weakness. A moment that quickly became something more. The moment she looked at me with her light blue eyes filled with an amount of love that wasn’t there before. I could feel it. It was a declaration of love from her and the fucked up part is that I have never felt better than in that moment. Like a selfish bastard, I relished in it, even though I know it wasn’t mine.
My chin falls to my chest, the ache only getting worse by the minute.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
It’s clear the universe won’t give me any time to think about it when she saunters into the kitchen. I’m anxious to turn around, but when I do, a beaming smile sits on her face until our eyes lock.
Fuck, she’s so beautiful.
Quickly, her face falls, and she swallows hard. The air becomes thick, sticky against my skin, as a cold sweat breaks out over my spine.
Her pretty eyes widen, staring at me with so much hurt, it cuts me deep and painful. Without saying a word, she covers her face with her hands, shaking her head. She knows.
“Don’t do this, Bodi,” she says when her hands fall to her sides. “Don’t ruin this.”
Doesn’t she know it was doomed from the beginning?
I can’t be that guy.
“What do you want me to say, Kayla?”
“The truth!” she shouts, her anger rising from zero to a hundred within a split second.
“I told you I don’t date.”
“Newsflash, baby ,” she snarls, “we are way past the dating phase.”
Her fierceness is a force to be reckoned with, once again fucking with my head. She’s going to make someone one lucky bastard someday, and I will make sure he remembers it every chance he gets.
I shake my head, but before I can say anything, she gets in my face, glaring up at me like she’s ten feet tall.
“No? Then what are we?”
“We’re friends,” I tell her firmly.
“Friends?” she parrots sarcastically. “I was never your friend, Bodi. And you were never mine. That was just a bullshit excuse, and you know it.” She pricks her pink painted fingernail in my chest. “Tell me you don’t feel anything for me.”
“I do.” I feel too much for her, that’s the whole problem. “But I told you I don’t date.”
“Why?!” She grips her head in frustration. Her eyes are tenacious with pain, killing me on the inside. I hate seeing her like this. I just want to yank her against my chest and tell her everything will be alright, but I can’t.
I can’t make her promises I can’t keep. I can’t tell her I will give her a happy ending. I can’t do that to her. I can’t feed her lies about how we’ll be together forever when I know it has the possibility to break me. I can’t fall. I refuse to fall.
“It always ends, baby.” I take her face in my hands, but she swats my arms away, turning on the spot to create some distance.
“It doesn’t have to end,” she says, her head shaking.
See, and that’s where she’s wrong. That’s where she’s young, and still willing to believe the fairytales people tell us, but I know better. I know how life altering giving your heart to someone can be, and I decided a long time ago that wasn’t for me.
“It always ends. It always fucks with your head, and I can’t have that.”
“You know what I don’t get?” She turns around to face me again, her hands on her hips while her eyes narrow to small slits. “You set up Jensen and Rae. You pushed him to get out of that bullshit relationship. You pushed him to fight for Rae. You pushed him to get out of his comfort zone. You fucking helped me get them back together!”
“I know!” I shout back.
“Then how can you not do the same for yourself? Why are you standing there like a coward, pretending there is nothing going on between you and me? It’s not fair, Bodi! It’s not fair to you and it’s certainly not fair to me!”
“You’re right,” I concede, rubbing the back of my neck. “There is a lot going on between you and me. I can’t deny that.”
“But?” I watch how her eyes grow moist, and my body vibrates with how much I hate this.
“But I don’t want to pursue it.”
“I see.” Her voice is small. Smaller than I’ve ever heard it. Too small. “Because I’m not worth it.”
“No!” I blurt with a pinched expression. “No, it’s not y—”
“Don’t you dare say it’s not me!” she snarls, her glare vicious. “It is me. Because if I was enough for you... you would’ve faced your fears because there was no other option. Because living without me sounds scarier than the fear of getting a broken heart. Because that’s how it feels for me .” She pushes her thumb against her heart, tears now staining her flustered cheeks. “I’d rather risk my heart for you than wonder what we could’ve been for the rest of my life. I’d rather be brave than be a coward!” She spits out the last word, blasting past me, stomping to her room.
She walks away from me until she slams the door to her bedroom shut behind her, leaving me alone with my thoughts once more.
She’s right. I’m a coward. But I don’t know how to change it. I lost my mother. I’m about to lose my father. Losing my heart, I won’t survive. It will kill me like it’s doing to my dad.
I know people always talk about it like you can overcome a broken heart, but my father is living proof that’s not the case. He’s been fighting for my mother for most of my life and when she died, he died with her. He has never been the same, his mind abandoning him more and more as the years passed by. I know he’d rather have died with her, and the only reason he didn’t was for me.
But I felt it .
I felt how he lost his mind when he lost her. Literally. I saw how he slowly withered away after she left him. It was excruciating. It still is. And the reality is that I’m about to lose him for it in the near future.
Kayla is right. I’m terrified, but I’d rather be terrified until the day I die than slowly become a figment of myself. I can’t end up like my dad did.
***
I’ve been staring at the shut off TV for an hour, hoping to find the words that could fix this. Anything to not make her hate me, but I come up empty every single fucking time.
I don’t want to lose her. But I can’t keep her either.
I’m snapped out of my thoughts when I register the sound of her door opening, and I look up. She trots out of her room, her chin up in the air and her suitcase strolling behind her.
My pulse quickens.
“Where are you going?” I question, confused.
I expected us to end, but I also hoped we could talk things out, agree to be friends while I find her an apartment or whatever. I didn’t expect her to flee from my house within the hour.
“Home.”
“What do you mean, home ?” I get up from the couch with my coffee cup in hand.
“North Carolina.”
“Baby, you don’t have to go,” I say, my voice pained while tears push behind my eyes at the thought of her leaving. By the thought of her staying. How come both thoughts make my heart squeeze in fear?
How did everything became so fucked up?!
“I’m not going to pretend we’re friends, Bodi.” She gives me a disappointed look. “Thank you for the opportunity to work for you.” Her voice cracks and tears fall from the corners of her beautiful eyes. “You gave me a chance when I thought no one would, and I’ll forever be grateful for it. You gave me the chance to find out what I’m capable of.”
“Kayla, please don’t do this.” My breath catches.
“I’m not doing this, Bodi. You are!” She points her finger at me, her hurt expression flashing with anger again. Her breath stops as she pinches the bridge of her nose, then lets her shoulders slog down. “You know, I can’t even count how many times you told me I was too young for you. Funny, that now, when it matters, I’m the one who’s acting like the adult.” A sad chuckle falls from her pursed mouth before she inhales deeply, then slowly exhales with her gaze aimed at the floor as if she’s finding the courage to keep going. When she looks up at me again, she bites her lips to hold back her tears.
“I love you, Bodi.” A sting slams through my heart. “I’m in love with you and I might be only nineteen years old, but I’m not afraid to say it. I’m not afraid to tell you that falling in love with you was both terrifying and thrilling and that as much as I resent you right now for breaking my heart, for not acting like the strong, sensible man that I know you are, I don’t regret it. I don’t regret us . I just regret making myself believe I was enough for you to face my fears.”
I gasp when she throws the last line on the table, my heart splitting in half when she does.
She throws a bundle of paper on the counter.
“Here is your next bestseller. Maybe that will bring you the happiness you want,” she sneers. “Goodbye, Bodi.”
Without giving me a second glance, she walks past me, tugging her suitcase behind her. My heart screams that I need to reach out for her, yank her back into my chest. But I’m frozen to the floor, my muscles completely rigid while my fear cripples me.
“Kayla!” I shout right before the door falls shut behind her and I squat to the floor.
“Fuck!” I roar, throwing my cup across the room.
The glass splinters onto the floor and it feels like they are all cutting through the soft tissue of my heart. Tears flood from my eyes as I weep into my hands, but they don’t make me get up and follow behind her. They don’t demand that I chase her.
“What the fuck am I doing?” I whisper to myself, repeating the words over and over again like a chant.
My eyes stay fixed on the broken shards, the frown on my forehead giving me a headache while it feels as if my heart is slipping from my chest.
I keep saying how I don’t want to end up like my dad, not willing to lose my mind. But the more minutes that pass by, I wonder if living without a heart is worse.
If this makes me lose my mind just as much.
Because I have no fucking clue what to do. I have no fucking clue what choice to make. But there is one thing that’s fucking clear; Kayla took my heart with her when she walked out the door.