36. KAYLA
36
H ow can I murder my boss and get away with it?
With pursed lips I ponder about my options until Rae picks up the phone.
“Bodi is an asshole. Did you already know that?” I ask before she even has the time to say hi.
“I have not had the honor of meeting his asshole version yet, but that’s mostly because his best friend, a.k.a my boyfriend, seems to be the better man for the job.” Rae’s voice is laced with amusement. “You wanna enlighten me, though?”
“I hate him.”
“I’m pretty sure you don’t.”
Tears prick the backs of my eyes and I stop, pressing my eyes shut to prevent them from escaping before I put my feet back in motion.
Of course I don’t hate him.
Fucking hell, if anything has become clearer in the last week, I’ve fallen harder than a brick.
When he asked me if I trusted him at the carnival, it was that final piece that I had to admit the one thing Rae already suspected since last summer: I’m in love with Bodi McKay. And I thought he was in love with me too.
But after the way he just treated me, I realize that’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told myself. Trent fucked me up, showing me a kind of love that was nothing but a way to control me, but Bodi? Bodi has always been nothing but caring toward me, giving me the feeling I mattered.
And now, he’s erased all of that in two minutes by yelling at me like I was a stray dog he needed to get rid of.
“He’s a dick,” I blurt, unable to come up with grown-up sentences, apparently.
“What did he do?” Rae questions with a bit more worry this time.
“He kicked me out of his office, telling me I needed to get back to work.”
“Okay,” she drawls.
“Bodi doesn’t kick me out of his office, Rae. It’s what we do. I burst into his office, he scolds me for it, and we kiss and make up. Literally. And then I get back to work,” I add.
“Hold up, you’ve been having office sex with him?”
“Not today, I haven’t.” I keep stomping down the pavement, my body feeling rigid and tense. Maybe it’s a childish thing to do, running off like a drama queen, but it hurts. It hurt more than breaking up with Trent, who made me doubt love in general with his toxic behavior. But Bodi brought that back. Bodi reminded me how sweet love can be. Bodi didn’t make me feel like I was dumb or stupid.
Until now.
The cold look in Bodi’s eyes was new and something I hadn’t seen before while it was pointed at me. It felt like he sliced through my heart with a butter knife. Dragging, painful, and definitely not a clean cut.
“Oh my God, Kayla!”
“You sound impressed.”
“I am. It sounds—hot.”
“It was,” I confess, rolling my eyes. “But not what I was calling for.”
“Right, sorry. What happened?”
I sigh, trying to figure it out myself. “I don’t know? I walked into his office, finding an excuse to steal a kiss like I do every day, but it’s like he flipped a switch. He was icy.”
“Bodi icy ?” There is disbelief in my cousin’s voice, and I can’t blame her.
I don’t think I’ve seen Bodi acting like an asshole to anyone. He’s sweet, loving, caring. Funny, most of the time. A little broody, definitely grumpy half of the time, but never an asshole just for the sake of it.
That roll is reserved for Jensen, and he’s a star at it.
“Yeah, trust me, I didn’t see it coming either. But he was. He told me to leave, shouting at me. He shouted at me !” I huff, incredulous. “I’m the shouter in our relationship. Not him.”
“So did you two fight about something?”
“No. But something is different. I just know it.”
“What do you mean?”
“He used to scold me about my in-your-face-behavior in the beginning, but not like this. He treated me like his annoying little intern.”
“Well, he is your boss?”
“He’s not the same, Rae. He’s looked at me like I’m an inconvenience while last week he was telling me how I was his girl with his dick shoved inside of me.”
“Too much detail.”
“Sorry, but I’m just freaking out,” I cry.
This is exactly what I feared, but it just doesn’t add up. None of it does.
“Because you love him.” Her tone is matter-of-fact, and I almost jump out of my skin in shock.
“Don’t say that out loud!” I pause, then run my hand through my hair. “But yeah, I do.”
As much as I don’t want to admit it, it feels good to confess my love for him to her. After my conversation with Agnes, I thought about it a lot. Denying it makes it only harder. She convinced me to be brave and take the bull by the horns, so to speak, but I wasn’t prepared for the bull to pierce me through the gut.
“Ah, Kayla!” Rae squeals with more excitement than I feel right now.
“There is nothing to be excited about, Rae. Not if he doesn’t want me.”
“Are you kidding me? Have you seen the way he looks at you? The boy loves you just as much.”
“Yeah, well, he has a funny way of showing it, then,” I tell her, rubbing the back of my neck. “I don’t know what happened?” I whine. “Last week it was all fine, but today he’s cold, distant. Like something changed.”
“Maybe he’s just not feeling alright? Did something happen?” Rae offers, but I shake my head, the tears now coming through without any restraint.
“The doctor had a conversation with him about his dad’s condition. He’s not well, but he said it was nothing new. He said he was fine. I know he’s worried about him, but he has been for as long as I’ve been living with him, so it’s not that.”
“Maybe there is something more going on?”
“It’s me, Rae. I know it.” My voice breaks and she stays quiet.
Her pity is tangible, even though she’s 500 miles away and, for the first time, I don’t even have a snarky comment to burst this bubble of discomfort. Something is wrong; I can feel it in my gut.
Bodi is closing off to me.
He’s creating a distance to do the one thing I always knew was coming.
He’s ending it.
He’s ending us.
“It’s not, sweety. Look, I’ve seen how he looks at you. I saw the look on his face when you gave him his birthday present. I heard how he took you to the carnival, even though he hates it.”
“So?”
“So, people don’t do that for people they hate. They do those things for someone they love.”
The lump in the back of my throat grows to the size of a golf ball, and I do my best to swallow it away as I walk into the building.
I want to believe everything she says, but I can’t get rid of the look on his face just now. It was…harsh. Detached.
“You don’t know that, Rae. Just because I fell in love with him, even though we all fucking know I shouldn’t have, doesn’t mean he fell in love with me .”
“Why shouldn’t you have fallen in love with him?”
“Because we are not a good fit.”
She snorts. “Don’t you dare throw that bullshit at me about how you are too young? That’s just his cop-out and you know it.”
“Do I? Because he’s been pretty clear about it from the start. I thought we got past it, but it was the first thing he threw at me while he shoved me out the door.” I push the elevator button while I wipe my tears off with the back of my hand.
“What did he say?”
“You’ll understand when you’re older.”
She grunts, indignant. “That son of a bitch.”
“I know.” Our call is interrupted by the beeping of my tone, and when I glance at the screen, another call comes through. “He’s calling me,” I inform her.
“He’s calling you now?”
“Yeah, Agnes probably told him I left. Can you hold?”
“Sure.”
The elevator arrives and I get in before filling my lungs with air to settle my nerves.
“Yeah?” I answer while pushing the button to get to our floor.
“Where are you?” Bodi barks at me.
The aggravation of his voice gives me chills, reminding me of Trent. For a split second, I turn into that bleak little girl, still feeling trapped at Stanford until I realize I’m not. Fuck this . Fuck him . Atlanta changed me. Bodi changed me. And though he might be part of my growth, it doesn’t give him the right to talk to me like this.
I inflate my chest with a heap of air, squaring my shoulders.
“Excuse me?”
By the sigh that follows over the line, he can detect the menacing tone of my voice and he clears his throat.
“I’m sorry,” he offers.
I imagine him sitting behind his desk with a scowl on his face, that same troubled look he can have when he’s visiting his father. But his sorry lacks a certain sincerity I need, so it fails to change my attitude.
“Where are you?” he asks, a bit calmer this time.
“Home.” I inwardly, yet sardonically, chuckle at that statement. This is not my home. And clearly it will never be my home either.
Fuck, I need to find a place to stay.
“You’re upset.” It’s a statement, but not one that’s laced with regret.
I can’t believe this is happening.
“Wouldn’t you be if your boyfriend kicked you out of your office?”
It’s a bold move from my side to call him that, but after he brought up my age after so many weeks of silence, I need to push out the answers I want. I need him to tell me where we stand. I’m not willing to pretend we are just friends or co-workers. Not anymore. Friends don’t sleep together in the same bed every single day. We are more than friends and he knows it.
“I’m not your boyfriend, Kayla.”
Well, there is my answer.
I swallow my tears away as the elevator doors open and I get off, sauntering toward the front door with lead in my shoes.
“Then what are you, Bodi?” I ask with contempt.
“Your boss.”
“Right.”
“Your friend,” he quickly adds.
Bullshit.
“Friends don’t sleep together every night. Friends don’t treat each other like shit,” I yell, the frustration wanting to burst out of me like an active volcano. My voice echoes through the hallway, and I’m pretty sure anyone who’s home can hear me, but I don’t care.
He exhales through the phone, and when I walk through the door, I flop my body on the couch with a heavy heart, my fingers pricking in my eyes to prevent my tears from falling.
“I’m sorry I was harsh. But we have to keep this how it is. We can’t blur the lines.”
“Newsflash, Bodi. The lines are already blurred as fuck,” I blurt viciously, clenching my teeth at this stupid conversation.
“I know. It’s why we need to set the boundaries again.”
“Set the boundaries again. Do you hear yourself talking? This is ridiculous. It’s too late for that, McKay.” I want to pull my hair out listening to him.
He can’t seriously think we can go back to how we started? Isn’t that the thing with relationships? You grow them. You can’t un-grow them. You can’t just say hold up, I’m getting too many feelings and then just expect your feelings to disappear. It doesn’t work like that. And I don’t even want to try.
“Look, I’m coming home. Let’s just talk when I get there, okay?”
“Fine.” Angrily, I hang up the phone before he can utter another word, pressing the button to get back to Rae.
“Are you still there?” I ask.
“Yeah, I’m still here. What did he say?”
There is a tremor in my hands as the anger rushes through my veins like an unstoppable train waiting until it crashes into a wall.
“ARGH!” I yell, wanting to throw my phone through the air.
“Are you okay, Keeks?”
“No!” I shout. “I’m not. He was talking all this bullshit about setting boundaries and all that nonsense.”
“Isn’t it a bit late for that?”
“That’s what I told him!”
“Look, just calm down. Breathe .”
I grind my teeth.
“Breathe, Keeks,” Rae orders, and reluctantly, I suck in a deep breath, then push it out before doing it again.
“Good,” Rae praises. “Now calm down. Is he coming home?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, take another deep breath, because yelling doesn’t make anything better. Chill. Call me after, okay?”
I nod, even though she can’t see me.
“Yeah,” I concede. “Yeah, okay. I’ll call you after.”
“Don’t bite his head off.”
“I can’t give you any promises,” I growl, then hang up the phone.
***
Fifteen minutes later, I’m fumbling with my fingers on the couch, waiting impatiently for him to get home, when the doorbell rings and I roll my eyes. Grunting, I set a slow pace toward the door, a little annoyed at him for ringing the doorbell.
It’s his condo, for crying out loud.
The bell rings again, and I swing the door open with a scowl on my face.
“You forgot your ke—?” My breath stops when I’m face to face with a set of eyes I hoped to never see again. They are gray, as cold as ice, and sometimes I wonder if they will haunt me in my sleep forever.
“Trent.” There is shock in my voice and a shiver runs up my spine when the corner of his mouth curl up. One arm drapes against the doorpost, and the lopsided grin that slowly forms reminds me of everything I don’t miss about him.
“Hey, honey.” His voice is smooth, like a slithering snake, and I wonder how I ever fell for him.
When we first met, I looked up to him. I was honored that he wanted me.
He was on the tennis team, the golden boy that was set to win Wimbledon one day, a living God on campus. Every girl wanted him. Every guy wanted him to choke on his own racket.
I was hypnotized by his gray eyes whenever he would direct them at me, and when he asked me on a date, I was eager to say yes. Now I regret that moment every single day. Now I regret giving him the power to tear me down in every way possible.
For too long, he held me in my grasp, until I felt like I was backed against the wall and my only way out was giving up my own dream. Dropping out of my dream school. This day just keeps getting better and better.
“What are you doing here?” I do my best to keep my voice steady, confident, but the goosebumps trickling down my arms don’t give me the feeling I’m succeeding in my effort.
“You won’t answer my calls.”
“There is a reason for that.”
“You see,” he tuts, “I disagree.” He glances over my shoulder, looking for anyone else. My mouth turns dry while the sound of my heart pounding in my head makes it hard to focus on what he’s saying.
Fuck.
“Aren’t you going to invite me in?”
“No.” It’s firm. It’s determined, but it’s quickly replaced by fear when his eyes widen in amusement. Not even an ounce of frustration shows on his face, telling me he doesn’t take me seriously.
“Is he home?” He rolls his lips as the words leave them with disdain.
It’s almost a snarl, but he seems to hold back, his tension only clear for me because I know him.
Don’t show any fear, Kayla.
I swallow. “We’re over, Trent.”
“Nah, we’re really not, sweetie.” Like a viper catching his prey, he snatches my face, his palm covering my mouth, and I gasp for air through the openings in his fingers. Fear creeps up, freezing every muscle of my body. My fingers clutch onto his wrists in an attempt to pull his hand off, but he’s too strong.
By my face, he yanks me out of the doorway, then slams me against the doorpost. A sharp pain slices through my skull and I shut my eyes before he moves his mouth flush with my ear. His other hand presses his fingers into my sides, painfully squeezing to keep me in place.
“You made me look like a fool after you disappeared. I can’t have that. I won’t accept that.” He spits his words, his tone laced with hate and contempt. “You’re going to pack your bags and come back to me. Tell everyone how you made a mistake. I talked to the board, and they are willing to reinstate your scholarship.”
Out of habit, and fueled by fear, I want to say yes. I want to concede, but the last few weeks flash in front of my eyes and my bravery seems to outmatch my level of fear, though it’s still there.
“No!” I shout in his face, keeping my eyes closed.
“What the fuck do you mean no ?” he sneers in an ominous growl, showing the darkness of his true colors, and his energy grows. Usually, this is the time I shrink under his gaze, agreeing to whatever he wants just to get it over with. But as much as I don’t have any clue how to defend myself against him, I refuse to be a helpless little girl any longer.
He can drag me out of here, but I will fight him every step of the way.
Stanford is ruined. He made sure of that.
Feeling braver than I ever felt before, I brace myself and open my eyes, locking them with his. They are furious. Feral.
“NO,” I growl this time.
His fingers are still pressing against my jaw while his skin grows burgundy red.
I expect him to snap. To hit me like he’s done many times before, and even though I refuse to untangle our gazes, the anxiety rises to a peak.
I can take it. I can take whatever punch he throws at me, but I won’t concede.
I will not give him that power over me.
The anticipation makes it hard for me to breathe, making me believe I’m about to pass out, until all of a sudden, his touch disappears from my face. Time acts in slow motion for a moment as I see how someone crashes Trent against the wall in front of me, a large hand wrapped around his neck.
Confused, I stare at the back of a brown head of hair, then recognize his tensed muscles etching through his army green shirt.
“Bodi!” I shriek in both horror and relief.
My body stays pressed against the wall, my hands covering my mouth as I watch how Bodi tightens his grip on Trent’s neck.
“You got some nerve, boy .” Trent’s eyes look like they are about to pop out of his head, fear dripping from them. It shows even more what I saw the moment I opened the door. He’s nothing more than a boy. Nothing more than a privileged college boy, thinking the world owes him everything he wants.
Bodi grabs Trent’s arm, twisting it in a weird angle while Trent keeps squirming under his grip.
“Was this the arm you just touched my girl with?” He cocks his head, making it able for me to catch the side of his face. He’s livid.
“No, please. Not my arm,” Trent begs like a baby.
“Why’s that, mate ?” His Australian accent becomes thicker as his anger maintains. “Is this your tennis arm? The one that is supposed to give you victory and eternal fame?” Bodi twists his arm a little farther, and Trent cries out in pain.
“No! Please! No!”
“Don’t you know hitting women just gives you an eternal ticket to jail?” He pauses, lifting Trent a little by his neck. “Something tells me you wouldn’t survive jail. Do you want to see how far you’ll get?”
Trent shakes his head, tears streaming down his cheek as he shuts his eyes.
“Let me get one thing clear. If I ever see you within a five-hundred-yard radius of her, I’ll shove your racket up your ass, prepping you for a few years in jail. You got me?”
He frantically nods.
“You never get to touch her ever again. Do you understand?”
Another nod.
“Do you understand?” Bodi roars in his face, making me wince.
“Yes!” Trent’s eyes shoot open, with desperation etching in through his voice.
“Good. Now, look at her.” Bodi uses his thumb to twist Trent’s face a little toward mine and he meets my glassy gaze. “Give yourself one last look, because it’s the last time you’re ever going to see her again.”
I narrow my eyes, giving him a silent fuck you with just a gaze before Bodi throws him away from us and into the hallway.
“Get the fuck out of here before I really lose my temper and decide to break your arm in ten pieces.”
Not wasting another second, Trent scrambles up from the floor, stumbling over his own feet as he runs, yes runs, away. When he’s no longer in sight, I suck in a deep breath and Bodi turns his head to me. His eyes are laced with worry and he takes a big step closer, pulling me against him by the back of my neck. I press my cheek against the warmth of his chest, letting my tears stream down my face.
“He hit you?” Bodi hums against my hair with a stunned tone in his voice. He holds me tightly against him as if I’m fragile, but for the first time in forever, I feel strong.
When I don’t reply, he takes my face in his hands, locking our gazes.
“He did, didn’t he?” There is a sadness in his eyes, but his green irises are also dancing with a fierce form of protection. They sparkle with determination, and it makes my heart gratefully jump for him. He’s in my corner, I just know it. It’s a feeling I’ve been missing for so long.
I nod, and he closes his eyes. The despair is embedded in his features, and he presses his lips to mine softly, as if my touch will be able to rub them away.
“He’s the reason I left Stanford,” I admit with a cracking voice.
At first, regret filled me every time I let that thought alone sink in, but now, the sadness isn’t as overwhelming as before. I did what I had to do to protect myself, and for that, I’m proud. At least I didn’t let it cost me anything more than my dream, and I can always make new ones.
“No one will ever hurt you again. Do you hear me?” His forehead rests against mine. “Do you hear me? I will hunt down every single guy who hurts you.”
I sniff, my tears reaching my neck.
“Do you hear me, baby?” His voice is demanding, but in a good way.
“Yes,” I concede. “I hear you.”
With a big grunt, he lifts his chin to rest it on top of my head, squeezing me tightly against him, and even though I can still feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins, there is a calmness settling in my heart. A calmness that makes me want to stay like this forever.
Even though deep down, I know we never will.