35. BODI
35
L ast night, shots had been my salvation. Today they’ve become the worst hangover I’ve ever experienced, fucking with my head like they own the place.
My lack of sleep pushes thoughts in my head that are scaring me to death, and I don’t know how to stop them.
I’ve been staring out of the window in my office for an hour.
At least.
When I woke up this morning, Kayla was tucked against my chest, bringing me a sense of peace I can’t seem to live without anymore. But after a few seconds, my fear crippled me, making me jump out of the bed as I started freaking out.
The realization that my father will be gone soon, combined with the loss of my mother, all the drunk conversations with Jason last night about how love is fucking pain has my mind thinking about one thing and one thing only; nothing lasts forever.
Knowing I will lose my father feels unbearable, the agony torturing me every second of today. There is no escaping the death of my father. It’s something I have to deal with. But after this, I’m done. I can’t do it again. I refuse to do it again. I won’t survive, and I can’t lose my head like my father did.
I need a fucking break.
The minute I’m in the position to hitch a plane to some deserted island, I’m gone.
I need a couple weeks of sipping cocktails, reading books, and Kayla.
What? NO. Fuck. No, I can’t take Kayla.
This has to stop before we’re in too deep, and I’ll hurt her.
She doesn’t deserve that. Nor does she deserve my bullshit. She deserves someone who will fully commit to her with all they got. Not someone who will always have one foot out the door. I can’t be that guy.
I won’t be that guy.
A knock sounds on the chestnut wood of my door, and I twist my chair to face it, pretending to be working while glancing at the screen. “Come in.”
I’m such an asshole.
Kayla’s beaming smile walks in before she closes the door behind her. My heart jumps for joy, but it’s quickly knocked to the floor by the deafening thoughts in my mind. I can’t be that guy for her.
“Hey,” she says softly, sauntering toward me with a smile that still knocks me off my feet. A smile that lights up a room every time she walks in.
Nope, I can’t be that guy for her.
“Hey,” I grunt, excessively clicking the mouse in anger.
She moves closer, then rests her hand on my neck. “I was wondering what you’d want for dinner? I thought maybe we could go to that bistro around the corner?”
Without moving my head, I sigh, pulling her hand from my neck.
She needs to let me go.
“You’re at work, Kayla. We can discuss this when you’re off the clock.”
She instantly drops her hand from mine, and from the corner of my eyes, she cocks her head. Her entire stance grows tight, and I hate myself for making her feel uncomfortable, but the anger rising inside of me is taking over.
“Well, this is new,” she mutters. “What’s wrong?”
She deserves more than what I can give her.
“Nothing is wrong , Kayla. I’m merely pointing out that we are at work. You can’t come here wanting to discuss dinner with your hands on my neck. It’s not professional.”
What are you doing, Bodi?
She snorts, and her energy turns livid. I can feel it coming at me in waves, pissing myself off even more, but I can’t stop it. I don’t want to be sensible and responsible right now. I want her to fucking find out what I already know. I’m not that guy for her. So, I lash out, settling my emotions in the most toxic way possible, because fuck , the other option is pulling her to my lap and wrap her around me.
But I can’t be that guy for her.
I hear her suck in a deep breath next to me, clearly trying to keep her own annoyance in check, which is only adding more to mine.
“I know you’re worried about your dad. I can see it in your eyes, but you could just talk to me instead of treating me the way you are.”
“This has nothing to do with my dad, Kayla!” I snap, pointing my fire-blazing gaze at her. She’s looking composed and way more in control of her emotions than I am, but her blue eyes are filled with a fury that matches mine.
“There are a shit-ton of comments sitting on my tongue that would be a very childish way to tell you you’re being an asshole, but let’s try this the adult way before you throw my age at my face. What is wrong, Bodi ?”
“Nothing!” I slam my palm on the desk, and I watch how she flinches. She gasps, taking a step back with horror written all over her face. “I just need you to get the fuck out of my office and do your goddamn job for once!” I shout.
She stares, just blinking, her upper lip lifting into a snarl as she slowly takes another step back.
“What is wrong with you?” The disappointment is clear in her voice.
A lot, baby.
“What is wrong with me?” I counter, yelling.
She swallows hard, her eyes giving me some kind of distress I haven’t seen before as she straightens her back, her chin raised. For a split second, I wonder if it’s fear, but before I can give it too much thought, I snap again.
“What is wrong with you !” Viciously, I point my finger at her. “Since day one, you’ve been acting like you own this place, waltzing in whenever you want. It’s enough, Kayla. Stop being a fucking teenager who doesn’t give a damn, and do your fucking job!”
Round of applause for that one, lads. I’m so fucked up.
My throat swells up, but I push it away by inhaling loudly through my nose.
She holds still, her chest slowly moving up and down. Whatever I thought was fear in her eyes is now gone, the light blue now ice cold.
She nods in disbelief, and I feel sick, wishing I could take it all back, but something inside of me won’t let me stop the massacre I’m causing.
But I can’t be that guy for her.
“Have I made myself clear?” I add.
She snickers. It’s filled with contempt and sadness. I can feel it, even though I do my best to ignore it.
“Crystal.” Her mouth pinches before she offers me a smile that doesn’t match her eyes.
It hurts like hell having her standing in front of me like this.
“Great,” I mutter. “Now get back to work. You’ll understand when you’re older.”
I must have lost my mind.
She gives me a mock salute, and I watch her stomp out of my office before she slams the door behind her with a deafening thud, and I bury my head in my hands.
Because I can’t be that fucking guy for her.