6 The Tiny Dancer
Beau/Dash/Beau
Beau
October 2019
Saturday
“There’s no world in which they’re going to eat that,” Dash scoffed at the double pack of frozen veggie crumbles I tossed in the cart. But I was on a mission.
We had thirty minutes before Livie’s dance class let out. I continued to scan the frozen food behind the glass doors, looking for healthy alternatives to fill our freezers. Amelia and I worked in tandem to instill healthy eating habits in our children. Veggie crumbles presented as taco and spaghetti meat… Oh yeah, veggie burgers and hot dogs. I grabbed a large box of each.
“They’ve figured out those aren’t real hot dogs.”
“No, they haven’t,” I shot back, rolling my eyes, refusing to give him my attention. They loved ketchup and that masked everything. I glanced over my shoulder to say just that, but I was struck speechless. I turned to stare as my husband let our baby son, West, lick on his ice cream cone.
I shifted my hopefully accusatory gaze from West’s mouth to Dash’s grin.
“He likes it.”
Of course he liked it. The ice cream was pure sugar and tons of chemicals created with the sole purpose of making you like it. Just put his one foot in the grave. Luckily, the immense explosion happening in my head didn’t include me slapping the cone from his hand. Before the kids came on our scene, we studied every parenting 101 book and course we could find. Every one of the experts agreed on the importance of teaching children how to eat properly and exercise regularly from an early age. Then literally, since they had arrived, Dash had turned into a sloth. The only time he hurried was running to the freezer for whatever processed treat he wanted next.
“What’re you doin’?” I asked. Dash finally realized that we weren’t all having a grand time. His gaze lifted to mine. I could see the gears turning, connecting the dots.
“You’re mad.”
No shit.
“I know we agreed, but theory and practicality don’t always intermingle in the real world. Good food’s a joy. I want them to have a balanced life, Beau.”
The pads of my fingers smashed to my eyes as I wrestled for control. Those decisions weren’t his alone to make.
“Dash, we made a commitment to each other to do our best by them. That ice cream’s full of additives and chemicals. They want you to be addicted. At the very least, give them real food. Make homemade ice cream as a treat. Maybe we could do that tonight to celebrate Liv’s first class.”
“What time is it?” Dash asked, ignoring me. He and I both set alarms before entering HEB so we wouldn’t be late for Livie. We were on a tight schedule over the next two days until I left for the Himalayas. I was in full-on mission mode, determined to make life a little easier for Dash and Amelia while I was gone.
As I stared at him, he lifted the cone, taking a long lick in a circular motion to prevent a sticky meltdown on his fingers.
My dick turned hard in seconds.
“You just did that to try and avert my attention,” I accused irrationally. Wait. “Did you send me on this trip to get me out of town?” Anger and arousal created chaos in a person.
Dash let out a hearty burst of laughter that echoed down the aisle. If the previous argument hadn’t drawn all the stares, Dash’s eruption did the trick. He maneuvered the cart with his elbows. West’s mouth was wide open for another bite.
I hesitated for a moment but eventually followed as he wheeled the cart to the automatic sliding doors in the front of the store. He didn’t glance back at me or utter a single word while unhooking all the straps to West’s seat device and lifted it and him out of the cart. The cone flew to the trash, the groceries left in the cart, and he started toward the parking lot, signaling that he intended to finish the conversation in the privacy of our vehicle. His long stride ate up the parking lot.
Fuck it, I was ready for the fight. I wasn’t the one in the wrong. I spent the majority of my life following the instructions of all the experts, which included Dash. I mean a ridiculous amount of time trying to give my best to those I loved. Life would be a breeze if I plopped a Happy Meal on the table every night, but we chose a different way. We made a pact. He needed to do his share.
Dash
My quick hustle out of the store slowed on the approach to the Tahoe, taking plenty of time to buckle my little guy into his high-tech seat. Then I used several wipes to clean the muck off his face and hands as well as my own. The entire time I worked, I took deep centering breaths, holding them for several seconds, hoping my irritation dispelled on the exhale. It didn’t, even with Beau’s hard body looming by the passenger door, waiting for me to finish.
Call it undealt-with baggage from our past or maybe straight-up selfishness, but I lived on a tightrope of Beau’s expectations. I balanced his demands while trying to be a super-parent and provider.
I had never aspired to be a circus performer.
This time, I couldn’t shake it. About once a year, I allowed myself to have an emotion that Beau didn’t control. It generally started a disagreement, but this time, I wanted to stand up for myself. I stared at my little guy in the eyes.
“Wish me luck,” I murmured. I stuck his pacifier in his mouth, which made him ridiculously happy, and shut his door securely closed. The barrier between Beau and I was gone, and I barely acknowledged him.
“Get in the car. I don’t want to embarrass us anymore than you already have,” I said with petty disdain and rounded the back of the Tahoe toward the driver’s door.
“I don’t want to argue in front of West,” Beau called, causing my eyes to dramatically roll. When I lifted on the side step, I glanced at Beau and his defiant position.
“Then don’t.” That was good enough. I dropped down on the seat, shutting my door firmly, and started the engine. We had at least fifteen minutes left before we had to be across the street at Livie’s dance school.
Stubbornness, something Beau did exceptionally well, had him taking a few minutes before hoisting his body inside. His door wasn’t fully shut before I voiced my thoughts in a calm, reasonable tone. “Give me hell about anything. You’re ridiculously talented at that. But don’t ever say to me again that I’m trying to free myself of you. You’ve put me through too much over the years to say those words idly.”
Remarkably, all the bad language on the tip of my tongue, managed to stay unsaid, and I reached over to press the radio button with the children’s song to keep the conversation from West.
“That’s absurd,” I stated with finality. “I’m regularly on the wrong end of your decision making.” Beau waved his hand dismissively. “I’ve always prioritized you above everything else. You can’t say the same thing. I spent the majority of my twenties virtually alone, waiting for you to remember me and your commitments to me.”
“Am I destined to be reminded of my epic failures for the rest of my life?” I shot back, my voice not much higher than a low sizzle from my crushing anger. My grip tightened around the steering wheel, my heart thumped violently against my rib cage. He was pissing me off. “You’ve always been the one who tosses me aside without a second thought. You literally came to my office one time, jumped to crazy conclusions, and put me on notice. The very next thing you did was leave me. We never have a discussion on anything, that’s why I don’t try anymore. It’s only you jumping ahead and deciding what’s best for all of us. It’s not right, Beau. I’ve always wanted this to be a me and you thing. Something we accomplished together. I’m not perfect, I make mistakes, but I know you’re the love of my life...”
“This has nothing to do with that. We committed to a certain way of raisin’ our children.” His hand popped out, palm upward, suggesting something obvious, meaning what? Who knew? I was tired of trying to figure him out. “Why do you always go to the past instead of dealin’ with the life happenin’ right now?”
I dropped my forehead to the steering wheel, thumping it several times. He wasn’t wrong, but his callousness toward my feelings triggered me.
“Look, I spoke out of turn,” Beau continued, that hand still stuck out, now turned toward me. “I understand you didn’t buy me the climb to get rid of me. It was a thoughtful birthday gift, but this argument that we’re actually havin’ has been brewin’ for a while. We’re no longer aligned in the biggest responsibility of our lives. What we’re doin’ matters. We have to get it right because our fathers didn’t. Hell, we technically shouldn’t have even been able to have babies.”
In my peripheral vision, I caught the moment when he turned, facing forward again. That hand tucked back inside his crossed arms.
“And I didn’t know you were still twisted about the past,” Beau added. “I’m sorry I hurt you, but I did what I had to do because I became a borin’ afterthought for you. If I hadn’t had stood up for myself, we wouldn’t be right here, right now. I’ll be more careful with my words, but you know that you’re the only person I’ve ever been with either emotionally or physically. You can’t say the same thing. You detached from me for years before I finally left you.”
Fireworks suddenly erupted inside my head. “Jesus, Beau. Chandler—”
His dumb hand thrust between us again, halting my words. His voice rose to penetrate past the fury causing my cheeks to heat. “It wasn’t just Chandler. It was everything to do with your firm. Your boss, Lon, was your ally and best friend. Your assistant replaced me as the person you shot ideas past. In the end, we spent many days not havin’ any sort of contact. You looked at me like I was an embarrassment. I felt your censure to my core.” He took the wind out of my sails, and I fell back against the seat. He wasn’t wrong, but we’d dealt professionally with his feelings, and ultimately, I quit a job I loved to follow Beau here. “Forget it. I’m over it.”
“Yeah, right,” I shot back, delivering my own version of our past. “What you put me through to ensure I never removed you from the girls’ lives speaks a different story. Seeking third and fourth legal opinions on the very clear and contractual agreement between the two of us. We had to hire another attorney for you to adopt them. I didn’t put you through any of that when I adopted West. I trusted you when you promised you wouldn’t leave me ever again.”
Minutes passed in silence. My heart hurt. I suspected his did too.
“Clearly, we have unresolved issues with our past,” I started. “But I’m here. It’s not always easy with my father’s name on the biggest building in the city, but I ignore it, because I love our lives. I’m proud of what we have accomplished. It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve tried my very best for you.”
We sat in silence again. Beau didn’t speak so I continued.
“I know what we said before they arrived, but as we’ve raised our children, I’ve found that I want them to enjoy life. Being disciplined is important, but I also want to teach them spontaneity and guilt-free days have merit.”
“You should have told me you wanted to change things up. It’s essential that we’re on the same page. We need to improve our important conversations. When Livie expressed interest in joinin’ the dance club, it was reasonable to wait until next year when I had more time available. Now, Mia’s enrolled in a pottery class. Ava’s takin’ a karate class. It doesn’t matter that those are at the rec center. You’ll be pulled in too many directions while I’m far away. I’ll be worried the entire time I’m gone.”
“Beau,” I said and put the truck in drive. The last five minutes of the dance class allowed parents to watch through a special window. We needed to be there on time, Livie was sure to be watching for us. “I know you don’t see it, but you’re making decisions by yourself that I should be a part of. You hired Belle full-time. That should’ve been discussed. Did you check her driving record since you plan for her to take the girls to and from school?”
Beau didn’t answer as I parked in front of the dance school, and left the truck.
The emotional gap between us was palpable. We made it inside, Beau carrying West and his diaper bag. My anxiety double-timed while watching Livie’s effort to follow along with her more experienced classmates. She did her very best, and we’d practice at home to catch her up. The joy pumping through me had me reaching for Beau’s hand. He flicked it away, putting West and the diaper bag on that side of his body.
When class ended, Livie burst out with a giant smile, stealing my heart in her new pink leotard and tights. Her long hair was tied in a bun, black tap shoes on. She waved excitedly at us before running to her cubby, changing her shoes while chatting with her friends, and tucking everything in her bag. She came out with her duffle and sweater dragging the floor.
She darted for me, not Beau, and hugged my leg tight. “Thank you, Daddy. I loved it so much.”
If Beau noticed the singular appreciation, he didn’t say a word. His palm caressed over her shoulder. “You did really great, Livie. I need to change your brother’s diaper.” If the tension between us eased, I didn’t sense it. “I’ll meet you two in the truck. Remember your Powerade. We need to keep your muscles hydrated after all that hard work.”
She lifted a fist for him to bump. Another incredibly sweet moment.
Once Livie was in her car seat, chatting endlessly about the class, my guilt set in. “Hand me the buckle, babe.”
Both hands cupped my cheeks, turning me to face her. “Guess what? The teacher said she’s going to teach us how to create a dance on paper. On paper, Daddy.”
I had no idea what she was talking about, but I nodded my encouragement. “You like for things to be written down on paper.” We were forever writing her to-do list and schedule for the day. She watched closely as we wrote each letter then tried to mimic our handwriting. She nailed it every time.
“I do.” Her hands suddenly fisted, her body shook with sheer excitement.
“Watch a show for me,” I said, handing her a tablet. “I’m gonna talk to Paw in front of the truck for a minute.”
“Okay.” She began navigating the iPad like a little professional. I shut her door and went to the front of the vehicle to wait for Beau. The warm sun worked its magic. I’d deal with whatever I was going through privately. I leaned my ass against the hood and slid my shades on as a gaggle of moms and their mini-mes strolled by. I detected interest, at least by one. They’d figure it out soon enough.
Beau
I was always so damned rule-oriented, holding myself and everyone around us accountable for what? So I could defeat myself in the end? He wasn’t wrong, but I wasn’t either. We might have created a momentary truce of unresolved issues, but we needed somewhere quiet to talk this out and solve our problems before it began to fester.
But who wanted to talk? Look where talking brought us to.
I pushed through the dance studio’s door and saw Dash standing in front of the Tahoe. His extraordinary appearance never faded or aged. He’d moved past always having to look perfect… Well, sort of. Now, he wore his hair in such a way that it didn’t take a lot of effort. His clothes were all handmade from his days and salary in Chicago. He had a classic style, not trendy. I did a lot of laundry each week, yet I wasn’t allowed to touch his clothes. Only Amelia, who had handled Dash’s idiosyncrasies since birth, was given that authority. And I felt sure he had actually guided her since his birth. The modern, trendy sunglasses and bracelets made him look wealthy and runway ready.
Like normal, he drew every eye around us. The dance moms stared too. Before his pretty charm affected me, I glanced away. Dash was too astute at reading people. In not too much longer, he’d have me apologizing, and I wasn’t ready to do that. Kind of shitty, but still true.
Four steps later, I felt his gaze riveted on me, and I had no other option than to look at him. Neither of us said anything as I passed him, until he pushed off the grill and followed me to West’s side of the car.
When I locked my little guy in the car, Dash was standing in front of me. Arms crossed. Immoveable. “It’s my fault. I broke the agreement. I’m sorry. I was way off base with the other things I said.”
And there I stood, ready to sabotage the things I held dear because Dash showed me a small amount of favor.
“You said what you meant. It’s not a new argument. You’ve used some variation of it several times before.” My words had nothing to do with the real reason we began to fight this afternoon. “We’ll have to deal with that when I get back. We probably need to call our therapist. You definitely need to. Until then, if you wanna change somethin’, tell me. It’s fine.”
Dash’s smile said lots of things, the biggest was he didn’t believe a word I said.
I rolled my eyes then my shoulders. The tension there made the muscles ache. “We need to get home before West wants a bottle.”
“I don’t have resentment about our past.” Dash reached for my forearm, taking hold to keep me in my spot. The touch helped soothe the ache in my heart. So much of my healthy mental well-being centered in my guy. “I love you. The disagreement hit differently for me in the store. I was pretty proud of your birthday gift. Whether you know it or not, I put a lot of thought into gifts for you. You do so much for all of us. You do more than your fair share, and you work two jobs. I want you happy.”
I stared at him, silently. He didn’t understand where I was coming from. We tackled life together, nothing was a burden if we did it with one another. The concept had changed the fiber of my entire world. Dash and I were a team. It felt incredible when it was performed correctly.
“My immigration case is messing with my head. If it hadn’t dropped in my lap…”
I cut him off before we slid into another tendril of diversion that didn’t hold weight in our actual argument. “No, the case matters. That family needs you,” I said, and shook my head. “We need to find a better balance and figure out why you keep going back to when I left Chicago, but not now. I leave in a couple of days. I’ll be gone and I don’t want to worry about home.” I let that be enough and gently twisted out of his hold. I meant the words, but I lied when I said I wouldn’t carry the problem with me. I’d think about it until I came home from the trip and then concede my side.
“All right. If it’s what you want,” Dash said, defeat in his tone.
I didn’t respond, not to be petty, I just didn’t know what to say that hadn’t already been said. I took my seat and concentrated on the kids. Livie was good with West, she kept showing him the screen, and talking him through the game she played.
It was still a long ride home.