Chapter 2
Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
It was rainin’ hard as hell outside but I sat in my whip writin’ a letter to my wife.
The rain was beatin’ on my roof and the windshield wipers was movin’ back and forth fast as hell. The windows on the mansion was glowin’ warm in the distance, but I wasn’t ready to walk back in yet.
I stayed in the car with the heat on, my hoodie tossed in the passenger seat, my blunt burnin’ low, and my pen in my hand like a nigga was really about to do some grown man shit.
Toni done heard me talk a million times. She done heard me say sorry. She done heard me say I’m tryin’. She done heard me say I love you. She done heard all that shit, and still she looked at me like she ain’t know what version of me she was gon’ get next.
That fertility appointment had my head twistin’ up in ways I ain’t expect, ‘cause I thought we was finna go in there and hear some sad shit, and instead we walked out with the doctor basically sayin’ my wife body was fine and my swimmers was doin’ what they was supposed to do.
The lady said it in that calm voice like she was talkin’ about the weather, and Toni sat there quiet like she was tryna swallow a whole storm without lettin’ nobody see it on her face.
I had been watchin’ Toni long enough to know when she felt somethin’ deep.
Toni acted tough like she was never scared, and she cussed like she could fight the world, but my girl had been holdin’ a lot inside.
Lately, she been holdin’ it so tight it made me feel like I was losin’ her inch by inch. I hated that.
I also couldn’t stop thinkin’ about what that doctor visit meant for us, and why it hit me so hard that it made me want a baby right now, not later, not one day, not when everything was perfect, but right now, while we still in the middle of our mess.
A lot of niggas my age be runnin’ from kids.
They be sayin’ they want freedom and fun, and I get it, but I wasn’t raised like that.
I grew up watchin’ Mensah men moved like family was a flex, like marriage was a luxury, like havin’ a wife that love you was a badge and havin’ kids was legacy, and not the corny shit either, but the real shit where you leave a piece of yourself in the world after you dead and gone.
I watched my pops carry hisself like he was born to lead, and even when I ain’t agree with him, I still saw the way he stood on family like it was law.
I watched my uncles move the same way, built solid, thinkin’ long term, protectin’ what’s theirs.
I watched Pressure too. That nigga had a whole different kind of life now.
Yeah, he was wild as hell in his own ways, but when it came to his wife and babies, he softened up without even tryin’ to, and it did somethin’ to me.
I never told nobody that either, but it’s true.
Watchin’ Pressure be a father made me look at myself different, ‘cause for a long time, I had been runnin’ around actin’ like I was too hard to be gentle, actin’ like I was too dangerous to be soft, and then I see that nigga holdin’ his kids and talkin’ to them like they the most important thing on Earth, and I’m like…
damn. That’s what I want. I want somethin’ that make me slow down.
I want somethin’ that remind me I can’t keep crashin’ out and thinkin’ love gon’ always save me.
And if I’m bein’ real, I wanted a baby with Toni ‘cause my wife deserved somethin’ pure in the middle of all this chaos.
Toni deserved to look at somethin’ we made and feel proud, not stressed.
She deserved to feel like her body wasn’t just a place where pain lived, but a place where love could grow too.
That was the part I could never say right without my voice actin’ up, so I wrote it.
I stared at the blank paper again, took one more pull off the blunt, then tapped the ash out the window and started writin’ for real.
Toni,
I ain’t good at talkin’ when I’m emotional, so I’m writing you a letter.
I been sittin’ with that doctor visit in my head ever since we left, and I keep thinkin’ about the way you looked when she said you was good. You tried to play it off like it ain’t hit you, but I know you, baby. I know your face. I know when you holdin’ somethin’ in.
I’m relieved, and I ain’t even gon’ lie about that.
I’m relieved because I hate that you ever thought you couldn’t have what you wanted.
I hate that you ever thought your body wasn’t enough or that you was too hurt to be whole.
You might not see yourself the way I see you, but you been strong as hell, and you been carryin’ shit you never shoulda had to carry.
I also know my love ain’t always been peaceful for you. I know I can be a lot. I know my moods be switchin’ and my pride be loud, and I know I done made you feel like you gotta watch me instead of restin’ in me. I don’t like that about myself, and I don’t like that I did that to you.
I’m tryin’, Toni. Not just sayin’ it. I’m really tryin’. I been thinkin’ about the type of husband I wanna be for you and the type of man I gotta be if I ever get blessed enough to be a father too.
I want a baby with you, and I don’t want it because I’m tryin’ to trap you or rush you or prove somethin’ to nobody. I want it because I love you like that. I want it because I wanna build a life with you that feel bigger than our problems.
I keep imaginin’ you pregnant. I keep imaginin’ you walkin’ around the house talkin’ shit with your belly out, still fine, still you, still snappy, and I keep imaginin’ me comin’ home and rubbin’ on you like I’m proud of what we made.
I want a girl. I ain’t even gon’ act like I don’t.
I want a lil’ princess that look like you, with your eyes and your attitude, and I want her to soften me up in ways I don’t know how to do on my own.
I know the men in my family love they sons, and they do that legacy shit, but I want an extension of you.
I want somethin’ that remind me every day that I got a wife that was worth it, even when I was hard to deal with.
But I also want you to feel safe with me, and I know I gotta earn that.
So I’m not writin’ this to pressure you. I’m writin’ this so you know what’s in my heart without me messin’ it up with the wrong tone or the wrong moment. Take your time if you need it. I’m not goin’ nowhere.
You my wife, and I love you crazy.
-Kay’Lo
I read that shit back to myself twice, and the second time my throat got tight, ‘cause it felt too honest. I folded the paper neat as I could, slid it into the envelope, licked it, sealed it, then sat there holdin’ it like it was fragile.
Then I looked at the rain again and shook my head, ‘cause of course it was rainin’ on the night a nigga decided to be vulnerable. Life always got jokes.
I put the letter in my inside pocket, grabbed my phone, and checked the time.
It was 7:03 p.m. and that was perfect.
I had told myself I was gon’ come in tonight with somethin’ that made Toni feel loved, not smothered. I was gon’ come in with somethin’ that showed her I heard her, and I wasn’t just talkin’.
So I started the car back up and pulled off.
I busted a few moves, not on no long mission, but enough to get what I needed.
I slid through one spot for flowers, and I ain’t grab no basic bouquet either, ‘cause Toni ain’t basic.
I grabbed a big arrangement of white roses mixed with deep red ones and them soft blush ones that look expensive just by existin’, and the lady asked me if I wanted baby’s breath in it, and I told her nah, ‘cause Toni don’t like all that extra filler.
I told her to make it full off real flowers.
Then I slid to the jewelry spot, ‘cause I wanted her to have somethin’ she could keep. I wanted it to be somethin’ she could put on and feel like she was bein’ celebrated. I ain’t have to look at no price tags, ‘cause money ain’t never been the problem for me.
I picked a piece that felt like Toni, not too dainty, not too loud, but still grown and still fine. I picked a tennis bracelet with the diamonds sittin’ clean and classy, and it was the type of piece you could wear with a dress or wear with a bonnet on and still look like you was somebody.
Then I did the last stop, the stop I wasn’t even sure was gon’ work.
I headed to the pharmacy…
I pulled up, rain still comin’ down, and I sat in the car for a second, my fingers tappin’ the steerin’ wheel, ‘cause I knew what this meant if they had it ready.
I walked inside, hood up, chain tucked, and went to the counter like I was just checkin’ on somethin’ regular.
“Yeah,” I told the lady, keepin’ my voice low. “I’m tryna see if I got anything left on file.”
She asked for my name and my date of birth, typed for a minute, then looked up at me like she was studying me, but I wasn’t surprised. Niggas like me don’t blend in even when we try.
“Oh, you do have a refill available,” she said.
My stomach flipped a ‘cause I wasn’t expectin’ it to be that easy, but I ain’t question it out loud. I just nodded like I knew it was comin’, paid, and waited.
I stood by the chairs while rainwater dripped off my sleeve, and I kept thinkin’ about Toni in that clinic, tryna breathe through disappointment and relief at the same time.
When the lady handed me the bag, I stared
at it for a second like it was heavier than it was.
Then I left…
By the time I pulled back up to the mansion, it was dark as hell outside, makin’ the trees look like shadows, and the rain made the driveway shine like glass.
I parked next to my other whips, grabbed the flowers, the jewelry bag, tucked the pharmacy bag in another box, and walked up to the front door with water runnin’ down my head and shoulders like I ain’t even have sense to wait for the rain to slow down.
Soon as I stepped inside, the air felt warm, and even from downstairs it smelled like Toni bath stuff. It was that sweet, clean smell she always keep around her.