Chapter 2 #2
I went upstairs, and when I got to our room, I set the flowers on her side of her bed first, ‘cause I wanted that to be the first thing she seen when she stepped out.
Then I followed that sound of water to the bathroom.
The door was cracked, steam rollin’ out, and when I pushed it open, I saw her.
Toni was in the tub with bubbles sittin’ high, a blunt between her fingers, smoke curlin’ up slow.
Her hair was pulled up in a bun, but a few strands had slipped loose and was stickin’ to the side of her face.
Her skin looked soft under the bathroom light, and her shoulders was relaxed in a way I hadn’t seen in a minute.
That sight hit me right in the chest.
Toni be fightin’ so hard all day, every day, and then when she finally let herself rest, she look like a whole different woman. She look like she deserved better than stress. She looked like she deserved a man that could keep her calm, not keep her on edge.
She glanced at me, her eyes low, and I saw love in them even before she spoke, and that made me feel worse and better at the same time.
“You been out in that rain?” she asked, her voice a lil’ raspy from the blunt.
“Yeah,” I said, walkin’ in. “I ain’t melt.”
Her mouth twitched like she wanted to laugh but didn’t fully give it to me. “What you got?”
She nodded at the bag in my hand like she already knew I was on somethin’. This damn woman always knew when I was up to somethin’. It was the problem and the blessing.
I grabbed the stool by the vanity and pulled it close to the tub, then sat down. I reached over and put my hand on her face, my thumb rubbin’ her cheek slow, and her eyes got softer.
“You look good,” I told her.
“You say that every time I’m naked,” she muttered.
“And I mean it every time,” I said back, ‘cause I did.
She took a pull off her blunt, then held it away from me like I was about to steal it, and I smirked.
“Relax,” I told her. “I ain’t come in here to argue with you. I came in here to love on you.”
Toni stared at me for a second like she was tryna decide if she believed me, and I ain’t blame her.
I reached in the bag and pulled out the black box first, the jewelry box, and I held it out to her.
“What’s this?” she asked, already suspicious.
“Open it,” I said.
She shifted in the tub, water sloshin’, then took the box and popped it open. Her eyes widened, and that hard look she been wearin’ lately cracked just a lil’.
“‘Lo…” she whispered, like she ain’t even know what to do with a soft moment.
“That’s for you,” I said. “Because you my wife, and you deserve shit that match you.”
She stared at it, then looked up at me with that look that always get me, that look that say she love me but she tired too.
“You ain’t have to do all that,” she said, but she was already holdin’ it like it mattered.
“I know I ain’t gotta,” I told her. “I wanted to.”
She set the box down on the edge of the tub, then held her arms out to me, and I leaned in without hesitation.
Her hands slid around my neck, and I kissed her. I kissed her like I was tryna remind her who I was when I wasn’t crashin’ out, and she kissed me back like she missed me.
When I pulled away, she was lookin’ at me with wet eyes she was tryna hide.
“What you doin’?” she asked, her voice shaky. “You gon’ make me cry in this tub and I’m already high.”
I chuckled low and brushed my thumb under her eye. “Cry if you need to. It ain’t gon’ kill you.”
She rolled her eyes but her lips was tremblin’, so I knew she was close.
I tapped the side of the tub. “I wrote you somethin’ too.”
Her brows lifted. “You wrote me a letter?”
“Yeah,” I said, noddin’. “‘Cause when I start talkin’ and I get emotional, I be soundin’ like I wanna fight and I don’t wanna fight you. I wanna love you.”
Toni looked at me like she ain’t know whether to tease me or hug me, so she just stared.
“You can read it whenever you want,” I told her. “Ain’t no pressure on it.”
She nodded slow, then wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand like she wasn’t cryin’ even though she was.
Then I reached back in the bag and pulled out the bigger box, and soon as Toni saw that, her whole body tensed like her spirit knew before her brain did.
“What is that?” she asked, her voice low.
I ain’t play with it. I set it in her hands.
“Open it,” I said.
She opened it, and the second she saw what it was, she froze.
It wasn’t more jewelry. It wasn’t perfume or flowers. It wasn’t no romantic extra shit.
It was my medication…
Toni stared at it like it might disappear if she blinked.
Then she looked up at me, and her eyes filled so fast with tears it made my chest ache.
“How you…” she started, then her voice cracked. “How you get this?”
I rubbed her cheek again, slower this time. “I had more supply at the pharmacy. I ain’t even know, but it was still on file. I went up there and asked what was up, and they had it.”
Toni swallowed hard, her eyes locked on me like she was scared to hope too much.
“You did that… for me?” she whispered.
I shook my head. “I did it for us. I did it ‘cause I’m tired of lookin’ at you like you gotta carry me. I’m your husband. You shouldn’t have to drag me to be right.”
Her lips started shakin’, and she tried to look away but I wouldn’t let her.
“Look at me,” I told her.
“I love you,” I said, plain. “And I’m tryin’. I know I ain’t perfect, and I know I done had you out here prayin’ and worryin’ and gettin’ tired, but I’m tryin’ in ways I ain’t never tried before. I’m doin’ what I gotta do so you can breathe.”
Tears slid down her face, and she ain’t even wipe them this time.
“I be so scared,” she whispered, like it hurt to admit it. “But…”
I leaned forward over the tub, close enough that my breath touched her face, and I kissed her tears away slow, one by one, like I could undo every moment I ever scared her if I kissed her enough.
“Baby,” I whispered against her cheek, “I don’t want you livin’ like that.”
She grabbed the back of my head, caressin’ it and holdin’ me like she needed somethin’ solid.
“I love you,” she said, her voice crackin’.
“I know,” I told her. “I love you too, and I ain’t stoppin’.”
I kissed her again, then rested my forehead against hers.
For a second, it was just the sound of rain outside, the water in the tub, and Toni breathin’ shaky while she tried to calm down.
Then I rubbed her cheek again and forced a smirk.
I reached down in the water and put my hand on her belly, just a gentle touch, not on no pushy shit, but just dreamin’.
Toni stared at me like she was tryin’ not to fall for what I was hintin’ at, but I saw it in her eyes anyway.
“You so slick,” she whispered.
“I’m just… sayin’,” I said.
She shook her head, but her mouth trembled like she was fightin’ a smile.
I kissed her nose. “I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl.”
Toni eyes got glossy again, and her voice came out small. “Kay’Lo…”
I squeezed her cheek gently. “I’m not rushin’ you. I’m just lettin’ you know what I want, and I want it with you, not with no one else.”
She looked down at the pills, then back at me.
“You really got this?” she asked, like she was confirmmin’ it was real.
“Yeah,” I said. “And you can put it up if you want to. You can hold it. You can watch me take it. Whatever make you feel better. I ain’t fightin’ you on it.”
She nodded slow, then reached for me again, arms out.
I leaned in, and she kissed me, long and deep, like she was thankful and hurt and in love all at once.
When she pulled back, she rested her forehead against mine again and whispered,
“Thank you.”
I kissed her again. “You ain’t gotta thank me for doin’ what I shoulda been doin’.”
She gave me a look. “Let me have my moment.”
“A’ight,” I said, smirkin’. “Have it.”
I sat back on the stool and watched her for a second. I watched the way her shoulders finally dropped, and the way her eyes softened like she could breathe a lil’.
Then I stood up.
“I’mma set your flowers up,” I told her. “And I’mma leave you to your bath. You be in this bitch all damn night.”
Toni laughed, real this time. “Boy, get out.”
I walked out the bathroom with a grin, but my chest still felt heavy in that good way, like I did somethin’ right.
I went to the room and set the flowers in a vase where she could see them, then I placed the envelope right beside them, simple and clean, like a promise.
Then I stepped back and looked at it all.
It was a lot, but it wasn’t enough to erase what I done, and I knew that.
Still, I needed Toni to feel me tryin’ in a way she could touch.
She finally came out the bathroom later, wrapped in her robe, hair still up, her eyes softer.
She walked to the dresser, picked up the envelope, felt the weight of it, then glanced at me like she was embarrassed to be emotional.
“I’mma read it in a minute,” she said.
“You ain’t gotta read it right now,” I told her.
“Kay’Lo,” she said, and my name came out like a warnin’ and love at the same time. “Let me do what I wanna do.”
I lifted my hands. “A’ight, baby.”
She shook her head, then walked over to me and pressed her face into my chest.
I wrapped my arms around her, and she held onto me like she had been needin’ me to be this version of me for a long time.
“I see you,” she whispered.
That sentence almost took me out, ‘cause Toni didn’t say soft shit like this unless she mean it.
“I’m right here,” I murmured, kissin’ the top of her head.
She nodded, still holdin’ me, then pulled back just enough to look up at me.
“You better keep showin’ up like this,” she said, her eyes serious.
“I am,” I told her. “I’m not playin’ with you. I’m not playin’ with us.”
Toni stared at me for a second, then nodded like she was acceptin’ it, not fully trustin’ it yet, but acceptin’ it, and I understood that.
‘Cause trust don’t come back just ‘cause a nigga bought flowers. Trust come back when a nigga keep doin’ the work even when it ain’t romantic, even when it’s hard, and even when it’s boring.
I watched Toni walk back to the bed with the letter still in her hand, and I stood there for a second, listenin’ to the rain outside like it was still talkin’ to me.
I ain’t know what tomorrow was gon’ look like, and I ain’t know how fast Toni heart was gon’ heal from the shit I put it through, but I knew one thing for sure…
Tonight, I did right by my wife…
And I was hungry to keep doin’ that, ‘cause I wanted a family, and I wanted it with Toni, and I wanted it the right way, not the chaotic way, not the painful way, but the way that made her feel safe enough to bring life into the world with me.
So, I stayed close, quiet, and present, ‘cause sometimes that was the loudest promise a nigga like me could make.