Chapter 7 - Kay’lo Mensah
TRILL-LAND, ‘LOLUX ESTATE
I ain’t gon’ even lie… for a split second, I thought about straight wildin’ out on Toni, but I decided to chill.
Instead, I got up from the bed and walked over to her sneaky ass, slow enough that every step felt heavy, like my own thoughts was fightin’ me while I crossed the room.
She was standin’ there with that guilty ass look on her face, her eyes flickin’ everywhere but mine, and the way her shoulders was pulled in told me she already knew this shit was bad.
I held the packet up between my fingers, and just let it sit there between us like the truth always do when it finally come out.
“So what the fuck is this, Toni?” I asked, my voice low and tight, like I was holdin’ myself together with thread. “Don’t play with me. What the fuck is this?”
Her lips parted like she had a whole speech ready, but none of that shit could get out. She swallowed hard, then finally looked at me, and the fear in her eyes damn near pissed me off more than the pills did.
“I ain’t mean to hide it from you,” she said fast, her words tumblin’ over each other. “I wasn’t tryna play you or nothin’ like that, ‘Lo.”
I laughed, but there wasn’t shit funny in it. Just air and disbelief.
“You hid it though,” I said. “Every day. Every single fuckin’ day. That ain’t no accident.”
She took a step back like my words pushed her, and I caught that shit. I hated that I noticed it, but it was too late to stop. My chest was already burnin’.
“I just… I needed time,” she said, her voice droppin’. “I wasn’t even on ‘em a whole month.”
That shit slid right off me.
“A month. Two weeks. A day,” I snapped. “It don’t fuckin’ matter. You really standin’ here explainin’ how long you lied instead of why you lied?”
She reached for me then, grabbin’ my arm like she always did when shit got heavy, and for half a second my body reacted outta habit. Then my mind caught up and I yanked my arm away hard enough that her hand dropped midair.
“Chill the fuck out!” I barked.
The words came out sharp, meaner than I ever talked to her, and I watched them land dead center in her chest. She froze with her hand still lifted like she couldn’t believe I pulled away from her like that, and truth was, neither could I.
“Don’t touch me right now, bruh,” I said, colder. “I need space before I say or do some foul shit.”
Her eyes glassed immediately. “Kay’Lo—”
“Nah,” I cut in.
She nodded, wipin’ under her eyes even though the tears was already comin’, and that just pissed me off more cause now everything was spillin’ out.
“You know what fuck me up the most?” I said. “It ain’t even just the pills. It’s the story. The shit you had me believin’. You had me thinkin’ you couldn’t have kids. You had me thinkin’ yo’ body was fucked up ‘cause of what them niggas did to you.”
Her face cracked at that, and my stomach twisted, but I kept goin’ ‘cause it was too late to stop now.
“You know what that shit did to me?” I went on. “I was ready to kill behind you. And I fuckin’ did, girl. I was ready to tear this whole fuckin’ world apart ‘cause I thought you already survived hell. I was layin’ next to you at night swearin’ to myself I was gon’ protect you forever.”
Tears slid down her face, heavy, but she finally snapped.
“That ain’t fair!” she yelled. “That is not fuckin’ fair, Kay’Lo!”
“Oh now you wanna yell,” I shot back. “You ain’t have shit to say when you was sneakin’ around though.”
“You act like I wanted to do this!” she screamed. “You act like I woke up and said, fuck it, let me lie to my husband for fun! I was scared!”
“Scared of what?” I fired back.
“You!” she yelled. “I was scared of you!”
That one always hit, but I was too far gone to give a fuck.
“I was scared of how you was gon’ react,” she kept goin’, her voice crackin’. “I was scared you was gon’ tell me no. I was scared you wouldn’t listen. We both know you would’ve told me I didn’t need birth control and that we was havin’ a baby whether I was ready or not.”
I shook my head, still not tryna hear that shit.
“So instead of talkin’ to me, you moved in silence and made me look stupid.”
“I was protectin’ myself,” she snapped. “And let’s not act like you some innocent ass nigga in all this.”
My head snapped up. “What the fuck that mean?”
She pointed at me, her voice shakin’ but loud. “You! You the one pacing this house like a fuckin’ madman. You the one tearin’ shit up. This ain’t what the fuck I signed up for, nigga.”
That shit lit me up.
“Oh so now I’m the fuckin’ problem?” I asked. “You lied, but I’m the problem? I do every fuckin’ thing you ask me to do, but I’m the fuckin’ problem? Get the fuck outta here, bruh.”
“Yeah!” she yelled. “You are! You unstable as hell and you know it. And speakin’ of pills, let’s talk about how you don’t even take your shit like you supposed to.”
“I don’t give a fuck about them fuckin’ pills!” I snapped. “Matter fact, I ain’t never takin’ them bitches again.”
She laughed, bitter and wild. “See? This is exactly why I didn’t tell you. You don’t listen. You just explode and everybody else gotta deal with it.”
Somethin’ dark rose up in me then, somethin’ I should’ve swallowed.
“I don’t even know if I can trust you,” I said. “Fuck, at this point I don’t even know what’s real. I don’t even know if that shit you told me about bein’ molested is even true.”
The sound she made was sharp and broken, like the air got punched out her chest.
And before I could even process what I said…
SMACK!
Her hand connected with my face so hard my head snapped to the side.
The room went dead silent…
I turned back slow and looked at her, ready to grab her ass by her fuckin’ throat, my jaw flexin’ and my chest heavin’.
“Slap me again, girl.” I said low, starin’ right in her eyes. “I fuckin’ dare you.”
She ain’t hesitate.
SMACK!
“Or what, nigga?” she screamed. “Or fuckin’ what? You gon’ shoot or whoop on me like you do these niggas? Nigga, do somethin’! I fuckin’ dare you!”
I stood there with my fists clenched, my breath heavy, every muscle in my body tight as hell, but I ain’t touch her. I just couldn’t. loved her too much.
Her chest was risin’ and fallin’ fast, tears streamin’ down her face now, and that’s when it finally hit me how far I had gone.
I knew I hurt her, and I ain’t need nobody to tell me that.
Even though Toni had me fucked up, I instantly wanted to take the shit back. My body leaned forward without permission, my heart screamin’ at me to grab her, to pull her in, to kiss them tears away like I always did, but my pride locked me in place.
I had already said the shit, and there wasn’t no pullin’ that shit back. I just stood there, listenin’ to her cry hard and tell me how fucked up and wrong I was, and how her biggest regret was marryin’ me.
I stared at the tears that slid down her cheeks and dripped off her chin, her mouth tremblin’ like she was about to have a panic attack.
That hurt worse than her slappin’ me.
My chest ached so bad it felt like it was crackin’ open, and for a second I hated myself for even thinkin’ that shit, let alone sayin’ it out loud.
But the damage was already done, and my pride wouldn’t let me show how bad it fucked me up that I said that bullshit to her.
Shit, I was fucked up and hurt too so it was what the fuck it was.
She stared at me like she ain’t even recognize me, then shook her head.
“I can’t do this fuckin’ shit with yo’ ass no more. Fuck you!” she said, her voice wrecked.
Then she turned and walked out the room.
I stood there alone with the pills still in my hand, my face burnin’, and my heart fucked up beyond repair.
That wasn’t no argument.
That was a war.
And we both lost…
I let out a shaky breath and ran my hand over my face, feelin’ the sting behind my eyes but refusin’ to let that shit fall.
Nah…
I wasn’t finna sit here and drown in this shit.
I grabbed a duffel from the closet, threw clothes in it without even lookin’, my movements rough and automatic. I needed space. I needed air. I needed to get the fuck away before I did some real damage to somethin’.
By the time I zipped the bag and headed for the door, my chest was still hurtin’ and my head was still loud as hell, but one thing was clear.
Whatever the fuck me and Toni was about to become after today, it was what the fuck it was.