Chapter 8 - Toni Roc
I could barely see the fuckin’ road as I pulled out the gate, tears blurring everything in front of me and my chest hurtin’ so bad it felt like somebody had reached in and squeezed my heart with they bare hands.
My eyes was swollen, my throat felt raw, and no matter how many times I wiped my face with the back of my hand, more tears just kept comin’ like my body ain’t get the memo that I needed to drive.
I was late as hell pickin’ Sha’Nelle up, and any other day that alone would’ve had me rushin’ and apologizin’ in my head, already plannin’ how I was gon’ make it up to her, but today I couldn’t even focus on that.
All I could see was Kay’Lo’s face, the way his eyes looked when he said that shit to me, and the way it felt like somethin’ cracked open in my chest right after.
I gripped the wheel tighter and sniffed hard, tryna pull myself together long enough to not crash this damn car.
I had cried before, but this was different.
This was the kind of cry that came from a place you don’t ever wanna revisit, the kind that make your stomach hurt and your head spin and your thoughts get loud as hell.
I kept hearin’ his voice in my head, replayin’ it over and over, and the fucked up part was that it wasn’t even loud. He ain’t yell it or scream it. He just said it flat, like it was a real thought that crossed his mind and that made it worse... way worse.
Questionin’ whether I was really molested. Like, what!?
I swallowed hard and felt my chest tighten all over again.
That wasn’t some shit you throw out there in an argument.
That wasn’t some heat of the moment slip up.
That was somethin’ that told me how he really saw me when he was hurt and angry, and that realization cut deeper than anything else he said today.
I had never lied about that shit. I never exaggerated it or twisted it to make him feel sorry for me.
Why the fuck would I? That pain was real, and it shaped who I was long before Kay’Lo ever came into my life.
For him to even let that thought cross his mind made me feel small, exposed, and stupid for ever thinkin’ he would always be my safe place.
My vision blurred again and I had to slow down, takin’ a deep breath through my nose and lettin’ it out slow through my mouth, remindin’ myself that I still had to get to the airport. I could not break down completely behind this wheel.
Halfway there, my phone lit up on the seat next to me, and I glanced down, already annoyed and emotional, thinkin’ it was Sha’Nelle callin’ to see where the hell I was. When I saw Kay’Lo’s name flashin’ across the screen, my whole body tensed.
I rolled my eyes hard and wiped my face again, my hand shakin’ as I picked the phone up and tossed it face down. I wasn’t talkin’ to him. Not right now, and after what he said. I ain’t have the strength to hear his voice and I damn sure wasn’t ready to hear him double down on not apologizin’.
The phone stopped ringin’ and I exhaled, only for it to light back up again a few seconds later.
Then again…
I clenched my jaw and muttered under my breath, cussin’ as my chest tightened all over again. I knew him well enough to know he wasn’t gon’ stop callin’, and the truth was, part of me wanted to hear his voice even though I hated myself for that shit.
On the fourth call, I snatched the phone up and answered it without even checkin’ myself.
“What?” I snapped into the phone, my voice hoarse and shaky, my words sharp even though my heart was breakin’.
There was a pause on the other end, and for a split second I wondered if he was gon’ hang up, but then I heard him breathe.
“You drivin’?” He asked, calm as hell, like we ain’t just tore each other apart in the bedroom.
That calmness pissed me off more than if he would’ve yelled back.
“What the fuck you callin’ me for, Kay’Lo?” I shot back. “I told you I’m done talkin’.”
He went quiet again, and that silence stretched long enough for me to feel it. I could hear the road under my tires, my own sniffles, and my heart beatin’ too fast in my chest.
“I don’t want you on the road like this,” he finally said.
That was it…
There wasn’t no apology, no takin’ back what he said or no acknowledgin’ how deep he cut me.
It was just lowkey concern, wrapped up in pride.
“Stop callin’ me,” I said, my voice crackin’ even though I tried to keep it firm. “You don’t get to care now like you ain’t just said some fucked up shit to me.”
Another pause.
“I’m just sayin’…” he said low.
My grip on the wheel tightened and a sob slipped out before I could stop it. “Stop actin’ like you give a fuck. You already showed me how you really feel.”
He ain’t answer right away, and that silence spoke louder than any words he could’ve said. I could feel it through the phone, the weight of everything he wasn’t sayin’, and it made my heart ache in a way I couldn’t explain.
“Bab… Toni,” he corrected himself, and my heart twisted so hard I had to blink fast to keep the tears from spillin’ over again.
That slip told me everything he wasn’t man enough to say out loud.
That almost…
That almost baby…
“I can go get Sha’Nelle,” he said, his voice low and rough now. “You don’t need to be drivin’ like this.”
I shook my head even though he couldn’t see me the bitterness risin’ up in me.
“I don’t need you,” I snapped. “I been good without you before and I’ll be good again.”
The words tasted bitter comin’ out my mouth, but I said them anyway ‘cause I was hurt and I needed to hurt him back just a lil’.
He went quiet again, and this time it felt heavier.
“Just get there safe,” he said finally.
I ain’t respond. I ended the call and tossed my phone back on the seat, my hands shakin’ so bad I had to pull over for a second just to breathe.
I leaned my head back against the seat and let myself cry for a moment, silent and ugly, my chest hurtin’ like I was mournin’ somethin’ that wasn’t even dead yet but felt like it was slippin’ through my fingers anyway.
After a minute, I wiped my face, took a few shaky breaths, and pulled back onto the road.
A few minutes later, my phone rang again, and this time it was Sha’Nelle. I answered quick, already tryna adjust my voice.
“Hey,” I said, forcin’ it light even though my throat was still tight.
“Where you at?” she asked. “I’m outside.”
“I’m almost there,” I replied, but my voice cracked halfway through the sentence.
There was a pause. “Bitch,” she said slowly. “You good?”
“Yeah,” I lied, even though the word came out rough and weak. “I’m straight.”
She ain’t believe me. I could hear it in the way she went quiet.
“A’ight,” she said. “I’ll see you in a minute.”
By the time I pulled up to the airport, my face felt tight and sore from cryin’, and my eyes was puffy as hell.
I parked quick and hopped out the car, my heart sinkin’ when I saw Sha’Nelle standin’ there with her luggage, lookin’ around like she was expectin’ me to pull up smilin’ and loud like I always did.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.
I walked toward her, my steps slow and heavy, already feelin’ ashamed that this was the version of me she was gettin’ after months apart. I had pictured this moment so different. I wanted hugs, jokes, laughter and music blarin’ on the ride back to the mansion.
The second Sha’Nelle looked at my face, her expression changed.
She ain’t say nothin’. She ain’t even reach for her bag.
She just let the handle go and stepped into me, wrappin’ her arms around me tight like she already knew.
That was all it took.
I broke.
I buried my face in her shoulder and cried right there in front of the airport, my body shakin’ even though I tried to hold it together. Sha’Nelle held me tighter, rubbin’ my back slow, lettin’ me fall apart without askin’ questions or rushin’ me to explain.
“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I got you.”
Those words hit me harder than anything else had all day, and I cried harder, clingin’ to her like I had been waitin’ for this moment without even realizin’ it.
This was my cousin. My sister. My safe place.
And right now, I needed her more than ever.