Chapter 21 Kay’lo Mensah #2
I swallowed hard ‘cause she wasn’t lyin’, but she damn sure wasn’t clean in the shit either.
“And you not addressin’ the fact you was on birth control behind my back,” I said. “You did that shit and you still actin’ like I’m the only one who fucked up.”
Her eyes slid toward me slow, cold as hell. “I did what I had to do for myself.”
“And that’s the problem,” I said. “You selfish as fuck, Toni.”
She finally turned her whole head, her face sharp but tired. “And what the fuck that make you?”
Her voice cut the room in half.
I looked right back at her, lettin’ the truth sit between us. “It make me a nigga who love you too much to pretend I don’t.”
Her eyes drifted away like she ain’t know what to do with that.
“So I should be able to go fuck with who I want like you do?” she asked.
My whole body heated. “Ain’t no nigga touchin’ you. Whoever you decide to fuck with gon’ die. You give my pussy away and you gon’ be responsible for a toe tag.”
She laughed once, but it wasn’t happy. It was tired and sad. “Right. So you can do you, but I can’t do the same.”
“No, you can’t,” I said. “I’m not explainin’ that shit again.”
“That’s exactly why I closed up,” she said. “You think you own me.”
“I do own you,” I said. “I own your heart, your soul, your love. All that shit is mine. Same way my shit is yours.”
She ain’t respond. She just inhaled the blunt and let the smoke float up and disappear. The water rippled around her body and for a second the whole room felt too still, like everything between us was settlin’ heavy.
“We moved too fast,” she said after a long moment. “We was so in love, so passionate, so wrapped up in each other. We never stopped to learn how to love in the hard seasons. We never stopped to think about how bad shit could get.”
I leaned forward, my elbows on my knees. “I’m tryna work through it.”
“But we don’t even know how,” she whispered.
We ain’t yell or scream at each other. We just… sat in the truth, both of us lookin’ at the pieces we broke.
Finally she said, “Either you leave tonight or I will.”
My stomach dropped ‘cause the thought of her out there alone—I’d lose my fuckin’ mind. There wouldn’t be nowhere I could go where I wouldn’t need to know where she was.
So I nodded slow. “I’ll go,” I replied. “Even though I don’t want to.”
She ain’t respond. She just looked away again.
I stood and reached for her hands. She ain’t fight me this time.
I helped her out the tub and wrapped the towel around her body ‘cause she was already lookin’ like she ain’t have no strength left.
I dried her slow. I took my time rubbin’ the towel down her arms, feelin’ that warm chocolate skin under my hands, and I swear my chest got tight just touchin’ her.
I went over her shoulders and her back, lettin’ my palms follow the curves that I been missin’ for damn near a month.
When I slid the towel along her stomach and down her hips, she shivered. Hell, I think we both did.
Her skin was soft as hell. Her body smelled like cocoa butter and that honey soap she love.
Her titties was sittin’ full and perfect under the towel and every part of me wanted to kiss every inch of her.
It took everything inside me to keep my hands respectful ‘cause Toni wasn’t just some woman I fucked.
Toni was my heart, my home and even through all the bullshit, my body still knew her.
I knew what Toni been through. I knew what was taken from her before she even had a chance to be grown, and I swore I would never be the nigga who pushed up on her without consent.
Even on nights when we fight and she pull away from me, I still remember that lil’ girl she once told me about with tears in her eyes. The one who never had nobody stand up for her and the one who had to survive shit no child should ever see.
So I gave her a lot of grace. Even when I’m mad, even when she rip my heart out my chest and throw that divorce shit at me. Even when I want her so bad it feel like I’m losin’ my mind, I step back ‘cause I know she real guarded about certain shit.
And yeah, I know I was wrong for even questioning what she went through, but the truth was that I ain’t mean that shit.
But as I dried my wife’s legs and felt her skin warm under my hands, I wanted her in a way I couldn’t even say out loud.
I ain’t just want sex. I wanted all of her.
I wanted the woman who used to fall asleep on my chest. I wanted the woman who laugh in her sleep.
I wanted the woman who stole my peace and became my peace at the same time.
Losin’ her was the one thing I couldn’t handle.
Watchin’ her pull away from me, and not even flinch when I touched her, that shit was tearin’ through me slow like a knife.
Her chocolate skin glowed under the bathroom light and she was still the most beautiful woman I ever laid my eyes on. No bitch on the planet could come close to what she was to me. She looked tired and swollen and hurt and she still took my breath away.
In the bedroom, I sat her on the edge of the bed and put oil in my hands.
I warmed it up then ran my palms over her skin, her shoulders, her pretty ass titties and her stomach, down to her thighs.
I spent more time on her feet ‘cause I knew she loved that, and her breathin’ softened just a lil’ when my thumbs pressed into the arch.
She never looked at me.
She never said a word.
When I finished, I laid her in bed, pulled the covers up over her and tucked them around her hips. I sat on the bed beside her and stared ahead ‘cause if I looked at her too long, I wasn’t leavin’.
After a long moment, I leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Goodnight,” I whispered. “If you need me, you know I’ll stop the world for you.”
She ain’t reply.
I swallowed hard. “I love you, Toni.”
She still didn’t speak, so I kissed her forehead again, stood up slow, and walked out the mansion feelin’ like I left my whole heartbeat layin’ in that damn bed.