Chapter 29 Toni Roc
Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
It was Friday night and a bitch was feelin’ good.
Me and Sha’Nelle had been in my room damn near two hours gettin’ dressed, doin’ our makeup, fixin’ our hair, and hypin’ each other up like we didn’t both already know we looked fine as hell.
She had her playlist runnin’ on the speaker and every song felt like it was hittin’ my spirit a lil’ sweeter than usual.
Maybe it was the therapy, maybe it was the space I finally felt like I could breathe in, or maybe it was the fact that I was finally ready to celebrate myself without fallin’ apart inside.
Sha’Nelle was in the mirror applyin’ her lip gloss like she was about to walk out the house and find her future husband.
She looked over at me with that smirk she always had when she knew I was in a good mood and let out a loud, “Okay, bitch, this beat is eatin’ you the fuck up! You look good as hell, Toni!”
I laughed and smoothed my hands over my hips ‘cause she wasn’t lyin’ and I knew it. “It better be eatin’, I spent half my fuckin’ life puttin’ this makeup on. You see this highlight? I glowed up for real.”
We already had two empty shot glasses sittin’ on my dresser and another filled one waitin’ on us. The Patron bottle was open and callin’ our names, and Sha’Nelle grabbed it first, pourin’ us both another shot. She grinned, handed me mine, and held hers up.
“To new beginnings, bitch,” she said.
I clinked mine against hers ‘cause she meant that and I felt that. “To new beginnings.”
We threw the shots back at the same time, and the warmth slid through my chest. I tapped the corner of my mouth and let out a laugh ‘cause I ain’t felt this light since before everything with Kay’Lo blew up in my face.
And even with everything that happened, even with the divorce sittin’ in motion and us livin’ apart, tonight felt like a breath of fresh air.
I had been to therapy twice already, which was somethin’ I never thought I’d even try, and now I had another appointment scheduled that I wasn’t even dreadin’.
And the crazy shit was… I felt good. Of course, I ain’t feel perfect and healed, but good enough to smile without feelin’ like my heart was splittin’ open.
Sha’Nelle plopped down on my bed while I grabbed my purse and slid my phone inside. “You know Kay’Lo gon’ lose his whole damn mind when he realize you steppin’ out lookin’ like this.”
I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t hide the lil’ smirk that pulled at my mouth. “Bitch, please.”
But she wasn’t wrong. Kay’Lo had been on a whole new kind of time these past couple weeks.
Flowers showed up at the mansion every mornin’ like clockwork.
It was big ass luxury bouquets that damn near needed they own room.
I tried to play it cool, but it was hard not to feel somethin’ every time I walked past the kitchen and saw roses taller than my damn thigh sittin’ on the counter.
And then there were his texts.
Every mornin’ before I even opened my eyes, the notifications would be sittin’ there, his messages stacked on top of each other like he was scared to leave any part of what he felt unsaid.
Good mornin’, baby.
I love you.
I miss you.
I hope today feel lighter for you.
I’m right here if you need me.
Always.
And I’on know… maybe it was the therapy or maybe I was just tired of bein’ angry, but I started respondin’, but just with lil’ messages, nothin’ deep.
Sometimes I said, “thank you,” sometimes “you too,” or sometimes a heart when he said somethin’ that made my stomach warm up a lil’.
. It wasn’t much, but it was more than the silence we had been drownin’ in.
Sha’Nelle saw the way my expression softened when his name crossed my mind, and she smirked even wider. “Mhmm, I see that shy-ass smile. Bitch, don’t play with me.”
“I ain’t smilin’ about no nigga,” I lied.
“You a damn lie,” she said, laughin’, grabbin’ her shot glass again just to sip the leftover drops.
I sucked my teeth and tried to wave her off, but she was right.
I wouldn’t say it out loud, but havin’ him reach for me in a way he never did before made somethin’ in me loosen.
I wasn’t ready to run back. I wasn’t even sure what we was supposed to be right now.
But it felt nice to not feel like the whole world was fallin’ apart every time I thought about him.
I sat next to her and leaned back on my hands, feelin’ the alcohol hit my system.
“I’m just… takin’ shit slow. I’on know what me and ‘Lo gon’ be, and I’m not rushin’ nothin’ ‘cause I gotta get myself together first, but I’m not gon’ lie like his texts don’t make me feel a lil’ somethin’.
He not arguin’ or pushin’ me like he usually do. He just… lovin’ me from far away.”
Sha’Nelle nodded, her voice softenin’ just a touch. “And that’s what you deserve, Toni. A break. Some gentleness, and some love that don’t hurt.”
I let out a breath and nodded ‘cause she was right. Therapy had been openin’ my eyes to shit I ain’t even know I needed to look at, and now that I was lookin’, I couldn’t unsee any of it.
I was learnin’ how heavy my own heart had been, and how many things I had been holdin’ inside without even knowin’ it.
I was learnin’ how to take shit one day at a time, even when the day hurt, but tonight wasn’t about pain.
Tonight was about gettin’ cute, gettin’ drunk, and gettin’ out the house before I fell back into my old habits of layin’ in bed scrollin’ through my thoughts until they swallowed me whole.
Sha’Nelle grabbed her clutch purse and bounced up from the bed, her heels clickin’ against the floor as we headed downstairs and toward the door.
As we walked, our perfumes trailed behind us with our spirits sittin’ high enough to touch the ceilin’.
When we stepped out the door, I looked up at the sky and smiled ‘cause my life was still a damn mess, but I was startin’ to see a version of myself that wasn’t terrified of tryin’ again.
And maybe, I could see a version of me that wasn’t terrified of lovin’ Kay’Lo again either.
But tonight wasn’t about him.
Tonight was about me.
“A’ight, bitch,” I said, linkin’ arms with Sha’Nelle as we headed to the car. “Let’s go turn the fuck up.”
And just like that, the night opened up its arms and let us in.
DRAHMA TOWN
I already had two mixed drinks in my system and I was feelin’ good as fuck.
The bass was runnin’ through my chest, the lights was flashin’ in every color, and Sha’Nelle had me screamin’ lyrics in her ear while she threw her hair around like she was on somebody stage.
I wasn’t thinkin’ about no stress. I was just tryna breathe for once without feelin’ like the world was beatin’ my ass.
Sha’Nelle grabbed my hand and spun me like we was in a damn music video and I laughed so hard I had to hold on to her shoulder. Every time the hook dropped we hit it louder, cups in the air and hips movin’ with the beat while the whole club turned into one loud blur of perfume, liquor and sweat.
I bent over a lil’ when the DJ switched the song and put my hands on my thighs as the beat came in. I let my hips move slow, rollin’ into the music just ‘cause it felt good to feel good. That’s when I felt eyes on me. It was some heavy ass stare that made my skin warm up without nobody touchin’ me.
I looked up and saw a dark skinned nigga with a low cut and a clean face. He ain’t have on heavy jewelry or a loud outfit. He just rocked a nice ass watch, a simple chain and a smile that said he knew he looked good without tryin’ hard.
I stood up straight and sipped my drink while watchin’ him watch me. Sha’Nelle followed my line of sight and grinned before elbowin’ me.
“Uh oh, bitch,” she said with her eyebrows raised.
I rolled my eyes but I was smilin’ anyway.
He walked over real cool like he wasn’t rushin’ a damn thing, and when he got close enough for me to smell his cologne he said, “How you doin’?”
I nodded at him. “I’m good. You?”
“Better now,” he said with that same slow smile.
Sha’Nelle turned her back to give us a moment but she was still listenin’ like the messy cousin she was.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
“Toni. What’s yours?”
“New,” he said.
I blinked ‘cause that was definitely different, but I nodded. “A’ight then, New.”
“You mind if I get y’all two a drink?” he asked while glancin’ at Sha’Nelle.
I hesitated ‘cause I wasn’t here to catch nobody. I was here to breathe, but he seemed harmless, and hell, I was tipsy, happy and tired of lettin’ fear make decisions for me.
“Yeah, that’s cool,” I finally said.
He signaled the bartender and ordered two more drinks for us and somethin’ dark for himself.
While he waited he leaned against the bar with his arms crossed, talkin’ to me like we had met before.
We fell into small talk real easy. He told me he was from some damn city I never heard of and came to Trill-Land for his people’s birthday, and I told him I lived here for a while now.
He complimented my hair, then my smile, and it wasn’t thirsty, but just smooth and confident in a way that made me smirk.
Sha’Nelle kept throwin’ glances at me like she wanted to scream “bitch alright now,” but she behaved.
When we got our drinks, we stayed at the bar awhile longer talkin’ and flirtin’ without me even realizin’ how fast time was movin’. Eventually the lights flickered, lettin’ everybody know the night was windin’ down.
New looked at me and nodded toward the door. “I’ll walk you out.”
I shouldn’t have let him. I knew that. But he smelled good as hell, his voice was nice, and his presence was calm in a way I hadn’t felt in months.
Sha’Nelle walked with us while his homeboys followed behind him, laughin’ and mindin’ their business. The air outside was cool, and the second we stepped out I felt the night hit my skin.