Chapter 28 Toni Roc #2
I stared at a spot on the wall ‘cause that felt too real.
“Do you feel like that sense of instability followed you into adulthood?” she asked.
“I think it did,” I said after a second. “I learned to shut down when things got too heavy. I learned to just disappear inside myself until things stopped hurtin’.”
She nodded slowly, listenin’.
Then her voice got even softer. “You mentioned in your intake form that you’ve dealt with some significant trauma growing up. Would you like to share anything about that today?”
My stomach twisted ‘cause I knew what she was talkin’ about.
“My uncles,” I finally whispered. “When I was younger. They did stuff to me they had no business doin’. And I didn’t even know how wrong it was until I got older.”
She didn’t rush me. She didn’t look shocked, and she ain’t make no face that made me feel like I was dirty or broken.
“I’m so sorry that happened to you,” she said. “Children often respond to trauma by freezing or shutting down. When that becomes a pattern, it can follow them into adult relationships, especially when they encounter conflict or intensity.”
I swallowed because somethin’ about that explanation sat a lil’ too close to home.
She continued, “When you say you shut down with your husband, it’s not because you don’t care. It’s because your body learned early on that shutting down is how you stay safe.”
I blinked slow.
“And you mentioned your husband’s struggles,” she said carefully. “It sounds like you’ve been carrying the weight of his emotional world while ignoring your own.”
“I love him,” I whispered. “I’m not gon’ lie. I just… I don’t know.”
“It’s not wrong to love your husband,” she said. “The issue is that you’ve been trying to survive your marriage instead of living in it.”
I let out a breath ‘cause that was exactly how it felt.
“When someone spends their childhood surviving other people’s moods, they learn to measure their worth by how quiet and easy they can be.
They learn to love in a way that costs them their voice.
You were not protected as a child, so you trained yourself to take up as little space as possible.
You learned that if you needed nothing, no one could punish you. ”
My chest warmed with somethin’ heavy because she was not sayin’ anything I would have ever said out loud, but it felt true in a way that scared me.
“And when someone you love becomes intense or emotional,” she continued gently, “you do not shut down because you stop caring. You shut down because your mind believes that your body is in danger of being too much. You disappear so you will not be blamed or abandoned.”
I stared at the rug ‘cause lookin’ at her felt too real.
“Toni,” she said softly, “you love your husband. That is obvious, but you also love him from a place that has been conditioned to fear needin’ him.
You do not ask for comfort because you do not believe comfort belongs to you.
You do not tell him what hurts you because you feel like you are not allowed to need reassurance.
And when things go wrong, you disappear because you learned that disappearing keeps the peace. ”
Somethin’ inside me shifted slow, almost like somethin’ in my spirit was wakin’ up.
She leaned forward a lil’.
“And when you feel overwhelmed with love for him, or overwhelmed with fear of losing him, your mind goes straight back to nine-year-old Toni who never had the chance to feel safe. That little girl takes over. Not because you are weak, but because no one ever taught her that she deserves to be loved without disappearing.”
My eyes burned but I ain’t not cry.
“So I’m the problem? Am I bad with men ‘cause of what happened to me?” I asked, even though I didn’t want the answer.
“No,” she said immediately. “Toni, you don’t respond to men well because the men who should have protected you were the ones who hurt you.
Your nervous system doesn’t know the difference between past danger and current stress.
Your husband’s intensity isn’t always danger, but your body doesn’t know that yet. ”
Her words sank into me slow, like warm water finally hittin’ a cold spot.
I took a long breath and wiped under my eyes.
“So what I’m supposed to do?”
“You’re supposed to heal,” she said gently. “You’re supposed to learn who Toni is when she isn’t shut down. Once you do that, you’ll be able to see your marriage more clearly. You’ll know whether to fight for it or walk away from it. Not from fear or hurt, but from clarity.”
I nodded slow ‘cause for the first time in my life, clarity actually felt possible.
“And Toni,” she said, lookin’ me in my eyes, “loving your husband isn’t the problem. Not understanding your own wounds is. But now that you’re here, you’ve already taken the first step to fix that.”
I ain’t say nothin’ for a long moment ‘cause the truth was sittin’ too heavy on my shoulders to even speak on yet.
When the session ended, I walked out the office feelin’ drained but lighter at the same time. I ain’t magically have all the answers, but I had somethin’ I never had before. I had the language for my pain.
And just maybe, I finally had a way to figure out whether me and Kay’Lo could make it… or if I had to learn how to move on without him.