Chapter 28 Toni Roc
Honey District
Days later…
I ain’t really wanna get out of bed but Sha’Nelle and Pluto pulled me out the bed and we went to lunch at Honey District anyway.
We sat on the patio under this big cream umbrella that kept the sun off our faces, and the whole place had that pretty vibe like rich people problems was the only thing floatin’ around in the air.
The food was already on the table for everybody.
Me and Sha’Nelle had us some grilled lemon herb chicken with truffle risotto and roasted broccolini, and Pluto had some honey glazed salmon with wild rice and shaved asparagus.
Everything looked good as hell but my stomach was too tight to care.
Honey District always felt classy. Velvet chairs neatly surrounded the tables, with gold accents and soft music playin’ in the background. People around us laughed and sipped wine like they ain’t have not one problem. Meanwhile my whole world felt like it was hangin’ on by a thread.
It had been four days since Kay’Lo came to the mansion and ripped them divorce papers up like he was losin’ his mind.
Four days since me and him cried so hard on that bedroom floor that we fell asleep in each other’s arms. I kept seein’ it and feelin’ it and hearin’ every word he said.
I couldn’t shake it no matter how hard I tried.
Pluto kept watchin’ me over her glass, her face soft like she was tryna read every thought I had. She ain’t say nothin’ at first but she ain’t have to. She was sittin’ close ‘cause she knew I was hangin’ on by whatever lil’ strength I had left.
“Toni,” Pluto said finally, settin’ her napkin on her lap all gentle like she always did. “You been quiet since we got here. Say what’s on your mind.”
I pushed my hair behind my ear and stared down at my plate. “I ain’t tryna drive y’all crazy with the same shit. I know I been talkin’ about it nonstop and it probably sound stupid now.”
Sha’Nelle rolled her eyes so hard the sun damn near bounced off ’em. “Girl, shut that shit up. Ain’t nobody tired of hearin’ you talk about what you goin’ through. You my cousin and Pluto yo’ girl, so we gon’ sit and listen every time you need us. So talk.”
Pluto nodded. “Exactly. We here for you. Say what you gotta say.”
I took a slow breath ‘cause even hearin’ that made somethin’ loosen in my chest. “I don’t know if I filed too fast,” I said low.
“I was mad and hurt and embarrassed. I felt like everything collapsed at once and I panicked. It felt right in the moment but now I’m sittin’ here thinkin’…
damn, did I mess up somethin’ I ain’t even ready to lose. ”
Sha’Nelle leaned her elbow on the table. “You filed ’cause you was hurt for real. Ain’t nobody judgin’ you for that.”
Pluto took a sip of her drink and nodded again. “And there ain’t nothing wrong with being conflicted. Kay’Lo is your husband. Y’all done been through so much together. Love don’t turn off just because somebody get hurt or file for divorce.”
Sha’Nelle stabbed a piece of risotto and pointed her fork at me. “I don’t give a fuck what hoe he done fucked. That nigga love you like a muthafucka, bitch. You know that.”
My throat tightened and I dropped my eyes before either of them could see it. I ain’t wanna fall apart in the middle of this classy-ass restaurant.
“I love him too,” I mumbled, barely loud enough for them to hear.
Pluto reached across the table and touched my hand. “And that’s okay. It don’t make you weak. It make you human.”
I nodded but the words still hit deep.
Pluto set her glass down and looked right at me. “Toni, I want you to think about talking to somebody. A therapist. Just for one session. See how it make you feel. You don’t gotta commit to anything right away but I really think it could help you untangle everything that’s weighing you down.”
I looked at her slow ‘cause I ain’t even know how to respond. But at the same time, I been holdin’ shit in since I was a kid, and maybe that’s why everything hit me harder than it should.
Sha’Nelle tapped my arm. “For real, bitch. Go talk to somebody. ’Cause you been carryin’ shit that ain’t even yours no more.”
Pluto nodded again. “When me and Pressure had issues, we went separately so we could talk freely. It helped us understand ourselves better. It helped us breathe and think without all the noise. And it helped us come back to each other in a better place.”
I lifted my glass and sipped my wine slow ‘cause I needed somethin’ to keep my hands from shakin’. The idea scared me but it didn’t feel wrong. It felt like the first thing that actually made sense since all this shit started.
Pluto leaned into me, her eyes soft but serious. “If you know deep down you don’t wanna lose Kay’Lo, then at least try. Not for him, but yourself. For the part of you that keeps disappearing when life get heavy.”
My breath got stuck in my throat for a second ‘cause she was right. I didn’t shut down ‘cause I didn’t love Kay’Lo.
I shut down because I didn’t know how to stay present when the pain got too overwhelming, and I been doin’ that since I was a lil’ girl in that damn bathroom tryna hold myself together.
I ain’t say nothin’. I just stared at my wine and tried to make sense of everything rollin’ through my mind.
Sha’Nelle clinked her glass against mine. “To whatever the fuck you decide, bitch. We ridin’ with you either way.”
Pluto smiled warm. “Always.”
And for the first time since this whole mess started, the world around me didn’t feel like it was closin’ in.
I ain’t have answers yet, and I didn’t know what I was gonna do about the divorce or Kay’Lo or none of it.
But for the first time in a long time, I felt like maybe there was a way back to myself, even if I didn’t know what that path looked like yet.
THE HEALING HOUSE
While sittin’ in the lobby of the therapist’s office waitin’ on my name to be called, my leg had been bouncin’ so long I ain’t even realize I was doin’ it.
I booked this appointment damn near a week ago, tellin’ myself I was gon’ show up and handle it like it wasn’t nothin’, but the minute I walked through those glass doors and sat my ass down in that quiet lil’ lobby, it felt like my nerves jumped right into my throat.
The place didn’t look nothin’ like a regular doctor buildin’. The walls was a soft blush color, the lights wasn’t bright, and everything smelled like some expensive lavender candle.
A receptionist smiled at me when I walked in but I barely smiled back ‘cause I was too wrapped up in my thoughts, and now I was sittin’ here wonderin’ why the hell I signed up for this in the first place.
I done went to therapy with Kay’Lo before, but that was different.
We was doin’ that ‘cause I was tryna help him through his own shit, but me sittin’ here by myself felt completely different.
This was for me, about me, and centered on me, and that made it feel scary as hell.
I wasn’t used to talkin’ about myself unless I was forced into it, and I damn sure wasn’t used to nobody diggin’ into the shit I learned to bury.
The office door finally opened and this white woman stepped out with a soft smile on her face. She was white as cotton balls with blonde hair pulled back in a neat lil’ bun and eyes so blue they ain’t even look real.
“Toni?” she asked, lookin’ right at me. “I’m Dr. Lila Hartman. You can come on back whenever you’re ready.”
I stood up slow ‘cause I ain’t even know if I was ready. I followed her to the office, and the whole time my mind kept whisperin’, “What the hell this white woman gon’ know about my real nigga problems?”
But Dr. Hartman opened the door to her office and stepped aside so I could walk in first, and before I could roll my eyes or judge the situation any further, I looked around.
Her office was warm in a soft and quiet type of way. She had a cream-colored sofa against the wall with a brown throw blanket folded on the armrest. There was a tall plant beside the window and a small lamp sittin’ on the table next to her chair that gave the whole room a light gold glow.
“Have a seat wherever you’re comfortable, Toni,” she said.
I sat on the sofa ‘cause it looked like it would hold all my tired.
“So,” she began once she sat down across from me, foldin’ her hands in her lap, “is this your first time in therapy?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I mean… I’ve been to therapy with my husband before, but never by myself.”
“That’s a big step. Choosing to come on your own means you’re ready to explore things from your perspective, without trying to protect or manage someone else’s feelings at the same time.”
I swallowed ‘cause the truth of that hit me a lil’ harder than I expected.
“I’m not goin’ to lie,,” I said, pushin’ my hair behind my ear, “I’m nervous as hell right now. I’m not really used to talkin’ about myself like that.”
“That’s completely okay,” she smiled. “We’re not in a rush. You control the pace of everything here.”
Somethin’ about how calm she was made the seat under me feel a lil’ softer.
She started with general questions about where I lived, my job, if I had support and basic stuff that didn’t pull too hard. Then she eased into deeper territory without me even feelin’ the transition.
“Tell me a bit about your childhood,” she said gently.
I shifted on the couch and looked around the room again ‘cause I didn’t plan on cryin’ in front of no stranger today.
“My mama died when I was nine,” I said. My voice came out low. “She got hit by a car and died right there in the street. I ain’t really know what to do with none of that, so… I just kept goin’.”
She nodded. “That must have been incredibly painful.”
“It was,” I said, even though my throat felt tight. “After she died I had to stay with my grandma. She was good to me, but I still felt like a guest in my own life sometimes, if that makes sense.”
“It does,” she said softly. “Losing your mother so young can create a lifelong feeling of instability, even when the adults around you do their best.”