Chapter 7 KAY’LO MENSAH
Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
It was ‘bout eight in the mornin’ and I was out back coolin’, smokin’ and watchin’ the waves hit the rocks.
The wind felt cold against my face even though the sun was out, and I guess that’s how I felt inside too.
Everything looked calm, but my mind was somewhere else entirely.
I ain’t even know how long I had been sittin’ in this same damn chair, hunched forward with my elbows on my knees and my blunt burnin’ slow between my fingers.
My whole body felt heavy, like I had ran a marathon in my sleep.
My chest felt tight, and my fuckin’ head was poundin’.
I wasn’t mad, but I wasn’t okay either, and that shit frustrated me ‘cause I ain’t even know what the fuck to call it.
All I knew was that somethin’ inside me felt off, and I ain’t have the words or the energy to explain what the fuck was goin’ on.
The crazy part was that I remembered last night and I didn’t remember it at the same time.
It felt like somethin’ I had watched from the outside, not somethin’ I did.
I remembered the feelin’, not the details, and that shit scared me in a way I wasn’t ever gon’ admit out loud.
I knew Toni saw me, and that alone made my stomach twist ‘cause she wasn’t supposed to see me like that.
She wasn’t supposed to see the parts of me I didn’t l even understand myself.
I dragged on my blunt again, leaned back in the chair and blew the smoke out slow while the ocean sprayed up against the rocks.
This was supposed to be my peaceful spot, the place where I could breathe and get my shit together, but today it wasn’t helpin’ at all.
My hands wouldn’t stop shakin’, my foot kept tappin’ the deck and my mind kept jumpin’ from thought to thought like it wasn’t even connected to me.
I ain’t hear the patio door open, but I felt her before I saw her.
Toni walked out quiet, wearin’ one of my big shirts with her natural hair tied up messy on top of her head.
She had two cups in her hands, steam floatin’ from both.
When she got closer, I could smell the mint in the tea.
She always made mint tea when she was worried.
She never said that out loud, but I learned her patterns. She learned mine too.
“Here,” she said soft, settin’ one of the cups on the gold table next to me before handin’ me the other.
I grabbed it even though my hands didn’t feel steady enough for it, and when her fingers brushed mine, I felt my whole chest get tight again.
She leaned down and kissed me on the side of my face, right where my jaw met my ear.
It was soft and warm and gentle in that way she do when she tryna love me through some shit she couldn’t name.
She sat in the chair next to me and tucked her leg up under her other one while she sipped her tea, not sayin’ nothin’ at first. She didn’t force conversation.
She didn’t ask questions. She just sat there like she was lettin’ me take my time.
That’s the shit that made lovin’ her feel both easy and damn near painful.
After a minute she reached over and grabbed my free hand. She lifted it to her lips and kissed the back of it slow, then rested it on her thigh while her thumb brushed across my knuckles. That soft lil’ motion damn near broke a nigga open.
“‘Lo,” she said finally, her voice soft but full. “I love you.”
My eyes closed on their own. I felt that shit in my whole body. It scared me how much that simple sentence affected me. It scared me ‘cause a part of me didn’t feel like I deserved that kind of softness from her after last night.
I nodded a lil’, but I still couldn’t look at her.
She squeezed my hand. “Baby… I’m here for you. I got you. Whatever this is… whatever you feelin’… you don’t gotta hold it by yourself.”
My throat felt tight like I wanted to speak but ain’t know how. I finally forced out, “I’m straight, baby. I’m good.”
She looked at me with hurt flickerin’ across her face even though she tried to hide it. “Kay’Lo, I saw you pacin’ and talkin’ to yourself last night. I ain’t know who you was talkin’ to. I ain’t know if somebody was outside or if you was scared or mad or—”
“I said I’m fuckin’ good, bro. Damn. You keep tryna talk and I’m tellin’ you to chill. My voice snapped sharper than I meant for it to. “I told you I’m good, let the shit go.”
She blinked, caught off guard at how fast my tone cut. The pain in her eyes hit me like a punch to the ribs. She pulled her hand back slow, like she wasn’t tryna make a scene but her feelin’s was hurt, and I watched her swallow hard as she stared out at the water instead of at me.
And in that instant, guilt ripped through me so fast my stomach knotted up.
Fuck. I snapped on my baby.
This was the woman who loved me through everything. The woman who held me last night like she was holdin’ my mind and a scared ass lil’ boy together. The woman who never judged me even when she was scared of the shit I did.
I dropped the blunt in the ashtray and crushed it out before I stood up. My heart was poundin’ for a whole different reason now, and I walked over to her slowly, feelin’ like I was carryin’ a thousand pounds of regret in my chest.
“Toni,” I said low.
She didn’t even look up.
I kneeled down between her legs and rested my hands on her thighs. Her eyes was shiny with tears she kept blinkin’ back ‘cause she ain’t wanna make me feel worse. That only made the guilt burn deeper.
“Baby…” I whispered. “Look at me.”
She looked down, just enough for her eyes to meet mine, and that was all it took. The dam in my chest cracked. I slid my hands up her thighs, wrapped my fingers around her hips and laid my forehead on her lap.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured against her skin, my voice low. “I ain’t had no business snappin’ on you like that. You don’t deserve that shit. I’m sorry, baby.”
She exhaled slow, her fingers findin’ the back of my head and slidin’ through my hair while her other hand rested on my back. The second she touched me like that, I felt myself unravel in a way I hated and needed at the same time.
“I love you,” she whispered. “You think I’m gon’ leave you just ‘cause you go through somethin’? I’m your wife. I’m here.”
Her tears hit the back of my neck, warm and soft, and I kissed her thighs slow, lettin’ her know I felt every tear. She rubbed my back in slow circles like she was tryna calm somethin’ wild inside me, and it was workin’ little by little.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I said into her lap. “I don’t want to scare you.”
“You didn’t scare me,” she whispered. “You made me worried. That’s all.”
I nodded against her, breathin’ her in, lettin’ her strength fill the parts of me that felt empty. I wrapped my arms around her waist and held her tighter, lettin’ myself lean into her ‘cause I ain’t trust myself to stand up right now.
We ain’t say nothin’ else.
Her fingers kept movin’ across my back, slow and warm.
My head stayed in her lap while I tried to breathe through the storm in my chest.
The ocean kept crashin’ behind us like it was echoin’ everything inside my mind.
And finally, I let somebody hold me while I broke.
Because Toni wasn’t just my wife…
She was the only person in this world who could touch my darkness and not run from it.
Shit was startin’ to get rocky between me and Toni and I knew I had to get back on my good foot, ‘cause the last thing I ever wanted was for my baby to feel like she couldn’t trust me to love her right.
All that tension from last night and this mornin’ was sittin’ between us like a weight, and even though she ain’t say it out loud, I felt it every time she looked at me for a lil’ too long.
She had that soft worried look in her eyes, the one she tried to hide ‘cause she ain’t wanna make me feel worse.
I hated that look. I hated that I was the reason she had to wear it.
So today, I told myself I was gon’ do whatever I had to do to make her feel good again.
Not just sexually, ‘cause that wasn’t what this day was about.
I wanted her heart relaxed. I wanted her laugh back.
I wanted her to feel like her husband knew how to love her even through the shit he couldn’t name yet.
By afternoon, the sun was warm across the backyard and the air felt lighter than it did this mornin’, and when I saw Toni walk past me in that lil’ fitted romper, twistin’ her natural hair into a puff and lookin’ at me with that soft smile she only gave me when she wanted peace, it made my chest loosen up in a way I wasn’t expectin’.
“Aye,” I said, reachin’ for her waist and pullin’ her in close. “Let’s ride out for a minute. I feel like gettin’ some air with my girl.”
She looked up at me with brows raised like she was checkin’ my vibe before she answered. “Where we goin’?”
“Don’t know. Don’t care. Long as you in the passenger seat.”
She smirked a lil’ and shook her head like she couldn’t help bein’ charmed. “Boy, go get the keys.”
We hopped in the convertible, top down, sunlight hittin’ her thighs and her hair blowin’ wild in the wind while she leaned back like she finally felt some peace.
I cut on some D’Angelo, let that smooth shit wrap around us while I pulled off, and it felt like the whole world slowed down just so we could breathe.
She lit the blunt first, took that slow pull and passed it to me while givin’ me that side-eye smirk that always made me wanna kiss her.
I hit it a few times, held the smoke, passed it back, and she took another slow drag while her eyes stayed on me. Every now and then she tapped my thigh with her nails like she was doin’ it without thinkin’, like her body just wanted to touch me.
When the blunt was half gone, I reached across the console and grabbed her hand.
She ain’t hesitate. She slid her fingers between mine like that’s where they belonged.
I brought her hand up and kissed the back of it slow, then kissed her fingers, then her wrist, lettin’ her know without no big speeches that her husband was right here with her, present, solid, and locked in.
She smiled a lil’ at the way I kept her hand close, and that smile damn near knocked the wind outta me. That was the smile I woke up for, the smile I killed for, the smile I damn near lost this mornin’ when I snapped.
So I kept holdin’ her hand as I drove, lettin’ the breeze hit my face while D’Angelo hummed through the speakers and Toni laughed every time her hair smacked her in the lip.
After a while we pulled up to a lil’ spot on the water and grabbed some food to go. She ordered her usual. I ordered my usual. We talked shit in the car while waitin’ and laughin’ over dumb shit.
By the time we got home, the sun was settin’ and the sky looked like it had been painted just for us.
We went upstairs with our food, throwin’ it on the bed like two big ass kids who ain’t care about crumbs or nothin’.
I cut the TV on, scrollin’ through funny movies ‘til we found somethin’ stupid as hell but perfect for the mood.
We ate, joked around, paused the movie to smoke again, and she got the giggles so bad I had to kiss her to shut her up. She tasted like fruit and smoke and somethin’ sweet I could never get enough of.
After we ate and the movie kept playin’, I laid my head in her lap. The second I felt her hands in my hair, somethin’ inside a nigga softened. Her nails grazed the back of my head slow, then slid to the side of my face, caressin’ me like she was touchin’ somethin’ fragile but still strong.
Every few minutes she bent down and kissed my lips, soft and quick, then leaned back up like she just needed to touch me again.
“‘Lo,” she whispered, runnin’ her fingers across my jaw.
I looked up at her, my hand liftin’ to grab the back of her neck. “Yeah, baby?”
“I love you.”
I pulled her down a lil’ more and kissed her slow, lettin’ her feel how much I meant it when I whispered, “I love you too, girl.”
The movie kept playin’ in the background, but we wasn’t watchin’ it no more.
We was just in our own lil’ world, me with my head in her lap, her playin’ with my fade and kissin’ me whenever she felt like it.
The whole room felt warm and calm like the world finally decided to leave us alone for a moment.
When the movie ended and the moon came through the curtains, Toni stretched out on the bed and I crawled over her, landin’ beside her before pullin’ her into me.
Her body fit against mine like she had been molded just for me.
My arm wrapped around her waist and her leg slid over mine like she wanted to be as close as possible.
Our skin touched everywhere, warm and soft and naked under the covers.
She pressed her face into my chest.
I kissed the top of her forehead.
She kissed the center of my chest.
I slid my hand slow up and down her bare back, feelin’ every curve, every breath and every piece of her that belonged to me.
The music was soft behind us, somethin’ slow and old and warm that made the whole room feel like love lived in the walls.
“Baby,” she whispered.
“Yeah,” I said against her forehead.
“You feel good.”
“So do you,” I murmured, pullin’ her closer ‘til there wasn’t no space between us at all.
She tightened her arms around me like she didn’t want no distance, and I held her the same way, both of us breathin’ slow and deep against each other’s skin.
This wasn’t sex. This wasn’t no damn lust. This wasn’t drama or tension or fear. This was home.
This was two people who had seen each other in every form love could show up in, good and bad, soft and violent, crazy and calm, and still chose each other every time.
This was the kind of hold that said, “I ain’t goin’ nowhere.”
Her breath moved across my chest, and when she kissed me there again, somethin’ inside me unlocked. I kissed her forehead again, slid my fingers through her hair, and whispered against her skin,
“I’m right here, baby.”
She whispered back, “I know.”
And for the first time all day, the world felt right ‘cause Toni was my peace.
And I was her protector.
And even with the crazy shit we had goin’ on, tonight showed me somethin’ important.
We still had us…
And as long as we had that, we could face whatever storm was comin’ next.