Chapter 19 Kay’Lo Mensah
The Lotus Mind Center
One week later…
A nigga couldn’t lie… my life was goin’ smooth as fuck.
It wasn’t the money, not the cars, not the house, not even the marriage.
It was my mind. My thoughts wasn’t fightin’ each other.
I wasn’t wakin’ up mad for no reason or feelin’ like I needed to punch a hole through somethin’ just to feel normal.
I wasn’t hearin’ shit that wasn’t there or gettin’ stuck in my own head at three in the mornin’ starin’ at the ceilin’, convinced somebody was watchin’ my ass.
I was sleepin’. I mean, gettin’ real sleep. And Toni noticed it.
She noticed everything, though. From the way I laughed more, the way I ain’t snap when small shit happened and the way I listened instead of cuttin’ her off halfway through a sentence.
She noticed the way I touched her different and slower, like I wasn’t rushin’ through love ‘cause my head wasn’t on fire no more.
We had been good. It was the type of good that made you forget how bad shit used to get.
So when we pulled up to Dr. Ellington’s office, I wasn’t nervous, and I wasn’t on edge. I wasn’t even irritated about bein’ there. I actually felt proud of myself, like I was showin’ up for my life instead of runnin’ from it.
Toni squeezed my hand while we walked inside, her long nails pressin’ into my skin just enough to ground me. “I’m proud of you, baby,” she said low, lettin’ me know it was just for me.
I smirked a lil’. “I been doin’ my shit, huh.”
“Yes,” she said. “You really have.”
That shit meant everything to me ‘cause I really wanted to be a better man to her.
Dr. Ellington’s office looked the same as always. It was clean, calm, expensive but not flashy. I sat down like I always did, legs spread, arms crossed and relaxed in a way I never used to be. Toni sat next to me, close enough that our thighs touched.
But Dr. Ellington was different, and I clocked that shit the second she walked in.
Her smile ain’t hit her eyes like they usually did. Her shoulders looked tense, and she kept adjustin’ her blazer like it was too tight even though it fit her just fine. She wasn’t lookin’ at me when she spoke at first. She was lookin’ at her notes. Then at the floor. Then at the window.
I frowned a lil’ bit. “You good?”
She looked up quick like she got caught doin’ somethin’. “Yes. Yes, of course. I’m fine.”
Toni shifted next to me. I felt it, and she felt it too.
Dr. Ellington cleared her throat and sat down across from us, foldin’ her hands together like she needed to steady herself, even though she was the professional in the room. “Kay’Lo, Toni, thank you both for coming in today.”
“No problem,” Toni said, but her voice had that edge in it already. It was the one she used when she felt bullshit creepin’ up.
Dr. Ellington nodded. “I want to start by saying that I’m very pleased with the progress we’ve made over the last few weeks. Kay’Lo, you’ve been responding well to treatment, your mood has improved significantly, and your behaviors have stabilized.”
I nodded. “I told you. I been feelin’ good as hell.”
“Yes,” she said quickly. “That’s exactly why I wanted to talk today.”
Toni sat up straighter. “Talk about what.”
Dr. Ellington inhaled slow, then exhaled like she was ‘bout to step off a ledge. “After reviewing your case again, and reassessing some factors, I’ve come to the conclusion that your initial diagnosis may have been… premature.”
I blinked. “What you mean.”
She swallowed. “I believe I was mistaken in diagnosing you with schizophrenia.”
The room went quiet, but it wasn’t peaceful quiet. Nah... It was that heavy, what the fuck kind of quiet.
Toni was the first one to speak. “Are you serious right now?”
Dr. Ellington nodded. “Yes. I owe you both an apology.”
I felt somethin’ loosen in my chest immediately, like a chain just snapped. “So you sayin’ I ain’t schizophrenic.”
“That is correct,” she said. “Based on further evaluation, I believe your symptoms may align more with stress induced episodes rather than a chronic mental illness.”
Toni stood up so fast her chair scraped the floor. “You gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me.”
Dr. Ellington flinched. “Mrs. Mensah, I understand this is a lot to process.”
“A lot to process,” Toni repeated, her voice sharp now. “You told my husband he was schizophrenic. You put him on medication. You had us reorganize our whole life around this diagnosis, and now you just say oops my bad?”
I stayed seated, my heart poundin’ but my thoughts movin’ quick in a way that felt clear. “So I can stop takin’ the meds.”
Dr. Ellington hesitated just for a second.
“We can discuss tapering off,” she said carefully.
I laughed, a short sharp sound. “Nah. If I ain’t schizophrenic, I don’t need that shit. That’s what you sayin’, right.”
Toni turned to look at me. “Kay’Lo, slow down.”
“No,” I said, standin’ up now. “This whole time you had me thinkin’ somethin’ was wrong with me. You had my wife scared. You had me second guessin’ my own mind, and now you tellin’ me I’m good?”
Dr. Ellington nodded again, her face tight like she was embarrassed or some shit. “Again, I apologize.”
Toni shook her head. “This don’t even make sense. He was doin’ better, like really doin’ better. That ain’t come from nowhere.”
I looked at her. “So what you sayin’. You want me to be crazy.”
Her eyes flashed. “Don’t do that shit, Kay’Lo!”
“You the one actin’ like you don’t believe her.”
“Because I don’t,” Toni snapped. “Somethin’ about this shit feel off.”
Dr. Ellington stood up, clearly ready for the session to be over. “I understand your concern, but my professional opinion has changed.”
I stood up and clapped my hands together. “Say less.”
Toni looked at me like she wanted to knock a nigga out right here, but she followed me out instead.
The car ride home was quiet at first, but then I broke it. “She said I ain’t schizophrenic. That’s supposed to be good news, Toni.”
She kept her eyes on the road. “It’s confusing news.”
“Nah,” I said. “It’s clear. I ain’t crazy.”
She sighed. “Kay’Lo, you was doin’ good. You was on the meds, in therapy… Everything was workin’.”
“And now I don’t need that shit.”
“Yes you do,” she said, finally lookin’ at me. “At least until we get a second opinion.”
I laughed, but the shit wasn’t funny. “Why you need a second opinion if she the one been treatin’ me?”
“‘Cause people make mistakes,” Toni said. “And somethin’ about today wasn’t right. How the fuck she just gon’ switch up on us like that?”
“So now the doctor wrong ‘cause she say somethin’ you don’t like.”
“That’s not what I’m sayin’.”
“That’s exactly what you sayin’,” I snapped. “You was cool when she told you I was schizophrenic. Now she say I’m not and all of a sudden we need more opinions.”
“Nigga, ‘cause the fuckin’ diagnosis explained things,” Toni shot back. “It explained why you was up at night talkin’ to nobody. Why you was angry all the time, and why you scared me sometimes.”
I gripped the wheel. “So now I scare you?”
“Yes!” She shouted, her voice crackin’. “You fuckin’ do!”
That shit hit me harder than anything else.
We drove through the gate, pulled into the driveway and got out without sayin’ another word.
When we walked inside the crib the shit felt bigger than it was all of a sudden. It was like the good moments we had just evaporated the second we stepped inside.
I tossed my keys on the counter. “I’m not takin’ the meds no more.”
Toni turned on me. “You can’t just decide that, Kay’Lo.”
“I just did.”
I could tell she was hurt ‘cause her eyes was fillin’ with tears. She shook her head. “This is exactly what the fuck I was afraid of.”
“What?” I asked. “Me not bein’ broken.”
“No,” she said. “You not listenin’.”
We stood there starin’ at each other, both of us hurt, both of us tired and both of us scared in different ways.
“I just want you safe,” she said as tears fell down her cheeks.
“I am safe,” I said. “I’m me.”
She looked at me like she ain’t recognize her man no more and deep down, I hated that shit.
Just like that, everything we built in the last few weeks started crackin’, but not ‘cause we stopped lovin’ each other, but ‘cause somebody else decided they knew better than the truth we was livin’ in.
I ain’t know it, but this moment was the beginnin’ of somethin’ unravelin’.
And the worst part was, I thought I was finally free.
I had just pulled up on my pops, and I could already tell by the way he was standin’ near the side of the house that he had been waitin’ on me.
He ain’t look nervous or uneasy, but just calm in that way he always was, like nothin’ ever really shook him even when the world was fucked up.
I parked, stepped out, and before I could even say somethin’, he reached for my shoulder and pulled me in for a hug that was firm and groundin’.
“Come here, son,” he said low. “I knew this would work itself out.”
I leaned back just enough to look at him. “It’s crazy. They really said I’m not schizophrenic.”
He nodded slowly like he had already known that answer before I ever opened my mouth. “I told you there wasn’t nothing wrong with you, son,” he said. “You always been intense. You always been sharp. That’s not sickness. That’s strength.”
I ain’t say nothin’ at first ‘cause a part of me wanted to believe him without question. Another part of me remembered how calm I had been feelin’ lately, how quiet my mind had finally got, and how Toni had been able to sleep next to me without fear.
But my pops was pattin’ my back now, proud and certain, and that confidence poured into me whether I wanted it to or not.
“You my blood,” he continued. “You my baby boy. Ain’t no label gon’ change that. You think I built all this by lettin’ people tell me who I was supposed to be?”
I nodded. “I feel good, Pops.”
“That’s because ou finally stopped lettin’ folks put doubt in your head,” he said. “Sometimes a man just need to be reminded who the hell he is.”