Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chrissy
“ W hat the hell happened?” Gwen asks while trying to keep up with me.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say without looking over my shoulder.
“I told you this was a bad idea.” She uses her lecture voice and side-eyes me as she walks to the driver’s side door.
“You were right, okay? Is that what you want to hear?” My voice raises, and she sighs.
“No, it’s not what I want to hear. I just want to know that you’re okay.”
I’m far from okay. In fact, I’m the farthest from okay than I’ve ever been. Rome told me I was gorgeous and that he wanted to date me, sending a riot of frustrating feelings through me. Never, and I mean never, has anyone done anything like that to me, let alone in the span of ten minutes.
Miles was good with his words, but his actions infuriated me, or rather, his lack of actions. Sure, he would compliment me, but it never went beyond that. It never felt genuine because his words were never filled with passion. He never hugged me randomly, tilted my head upward when I glanced down at my shoes, offered me his coat, or pushed me against a wall to kiss me in a fit of desire.
Rome has done three out of those four things, and I feel like the fourth is inevitable, no matter how hard we try to fight it.
So, no, I’m not okay.
“Can you just take me home, please?” I murmur.
Gwen’s expression softens, and she offers me a sincere smile. “Your place or mine?”
“Mine.” There I know Rome won’t randomly appear. I’ll be safe and away from the temptation that plagues me when he’s around.
“And that is how I know you’re not okay.”
We’re silent the entire car ride back to Castle Brook. When she parks the car, I stare at my folded hands and squeeze my eyes shut, forcing the remaining tears to fall down my cheeks.
“Do you want me to stay?”
“No, thank you though.” I offer her the best smile I can muster.
I put my hand on the door handle and push it open.
When I put one foot outside, Gwen wraps her hand around mine and stops me. “I’m going to need two favors from you.”
I look back at her and nod.
“One, you’ll text me first thing in the morning.”
“I can do that,” I mumble.
“Two, you will work on acknowledging your feelings for Rome.”
I open my mouth, but she shushes me. “I don’t want to hear it. You give everyone advice on their mental health, but you won’t give yourself the time of day. Your feelings for him are growing, and there will be a point of no return if you continue to avoid them. I’m not saying jump his bones. All I want is for you to look at yourself in the mirror, say the words, and make a decision. Either follow those feelings or continue to avoid them and live to regret that choice.”
I observe her for a moment, trying to figure out when she became so headstrong. Gwen has always cared about me, but she never pushed me outside my comfort zone. This is new, and while I want to tell her she’s wrong, she’s not. I walk through life examining people and encouraging them to work on themselves. I’ll tell Gwen, Zack, and even Ash to practice self-care, even if it’s something as simple as a face mask and a cup of tea. When was the last time I did something like that? I can’t say because I don’t think it’s ever happened.
Gwen has grown up, and it wasn’t all Ash’s influence. She worked on herself because she knew that before she could love him, she had to learn to love herself. And while I’m proud of her progress, I can’t help but feel like she left me behind. Here I am denying my feelings, crying over a boy, and not allowing myself to be happy because I’m worried about my brother and what he may think.
And there she is, growing to love her skin, standing up for herself and her loved ones, and showing me that I’m in the wrong. Gwen was always taking pages out of my playbook, so perhaps it’s time I borrow some from hers.
“I think that’s something I can do,” I tell her with a weak smile.
“Promise?” She offers me her pinkie, just like she would back when we were kids.
And because I’m the adult I claim I am, I meet it because pinky promises are never to be broken. “I promise.”
I don’t wake up when the sun rises the next morning. If this were a regular day, I would be out of bed and jumping in the shower. When my eyes peel open, I immediately know today isn’t a regular day. I stretch my legs and smile to myself at the sensation of the cool sheets against my skin. I shove my arms under my pillow and flop onto my stomach, closing my eyes once again.
I don’t think I’ve ever slept in, not even in my angsty teen years. I was always up the second the sun rose, ready to start my day with a wide grin and a pep in my step.
So, when my eyes close again and my body sags from fatigue, I don’t fight it. If my body is telling me that I need more rest, it’s time I need to start listening to it. I don’t have any plans today anyway, and no one will miss me if I sleep in.
I was right.
When I wake for the second time, I sigh in relief as I check my phone and don’t see any messages or missed calls. A slight panic rises in my chest when I notice it’s 11:00 a.m., but I remind myself I don’t have anywhere to go and no one to see. Turning my head, I glance out the window and enjoy the silence. Birds are chirping, and the clouds are rolling in the endless baby-blue sky. I barely notice when my phone buzzes against my bed or when it starts to ring obnoxiously. I ignore it as best as I can, but when it doesn’t stop, I groan.
“What do you want?!” I ask the device like it has a network of working nerves and cells.
Pain in the Ass appears on the screen, and I instinctively toss my phone across the room. It hits the floor with a thud , but between the tempered-glass screen protector and a solid phone case, it should be fine.
I’m not in the mood to talk to Zack. To be honest, I don’t feel like talking to anyone, not even Gwen. As I stare at the ceiling, an idea pops into my head. It makes me sit straight up, hop out of bed, grab a change of clothes, and jump into the shower to prepare.
Gwen wants me to work on acknowledging my feelings for Rome, right? I just happen to know the best way to do that, and it starts with going to my favorite store.
After showering, I put on a pair of jean shorts and a simple white T-shirt. Since my hair is curly, I work in some leave-in conditioner and run a fine-tooth comb through my crinkled locks. When I put the brush down, I look at my notes on the mirror and meet my reflection.
“I am willful. I am kind. My hair is unique, and my body is strong. I love me for me, and I’m special because no one else is like me.” I have it memorized, but I rely on the notes for a reason.
Before I left for Castle Brook, my mom gave me a present. It was our mantra, handwritten on pink and purple sticky notes. When I miss her, I look at her handwriting, reminding myself that a little piece of her is always with me. Then I’ll call her, and we’ll talk for hours on end.
I was self-conscious growing up. In part because I was made fun of for my small boobs and my lack of ass. I’ve developed since then, but the words still haunt me.
Twig.
Flat-chested bitch.
No-ass Willows.
In the eyes of society, a woman’s body is never perfect. You’re either too skinny or too fat. Your breasts are either too small or too big. You’re belittled no matter what you look like simply because you’re a woman.
If I wasn’t being tormented because of my body, I was being teased about my hair. Neither of my parents has tight curls, so I’m unsure where the gene came from. Most likely a long-lost ancestor.
Curly Q.
The Frizz.
The girl with the crazy hair.
Mom had to teach me to love my body and my hair. She would place me in front of a mirror and make me recite words of affirmation to boost my confidence. It didn’t work right away, but I learned to love myself just as I am over time.
My hair is unique. Some people would kill to have the volume and curls I have, but that doesn’t mean my self-consciousness doesn’t rear its ugly head from time to time.
My phone rings again, and Zack’s nickname pops up again. I’ll never make my parents worry on purpose, but I don’t mind letting Zack stew uncomfortably. It’s his fault, anyway. He’s the reason Rome and I can’t explore our spark. I don’t often feel anger or irritation toward anyone. Today is a day of self-care, and I’m letting myself be annoyed by my brother.
Gwen doesn’t deserve my grumpiness, though, and I will never break a pinkie promise. I pick up my phone, ignore Zack’s call, and text Gwen before looking for my sneakers.
Hey, this is me texting you. I’m okay. Going to hang low and stay home.
Alone?! Since when do you hang out by yourself?
A giggle slips past my lips as I put my shoes on.
This is me trying something new. I’m going to be a self-care queen.
Yes! I stand by this. I do have a question though. Does being a self-care queen include ignoring your brother?
For now. I’m working on my promises, and the first step is allowing myself to be annoyed with him. If Rome and I weren’t worried about his feelings, who knows where we would be today.
I mean... I wouldn’t put all the blame on him. You two are adults, you can talk to him.
Don’t start, missy! I’m going to our favorite store to pick up a face mask, snacks, and a movie. Let me wallow in my feelings.
Okay, okay! I’ll tell Zack you’re on your period or something. Take all the time you need. Text me tomorrow :)
Thank you 3
After that, I silence my phone. With my purse over my shoulder, I step into the hall, lock my door, and start the trek toward my first stop for the day.
A blast of cool air envelopes me when I stroll through the automatic doors. There are many reasons why I chose to attend Castle Brook. One is that it has the best psychology department in the country. The second is that it’s less than ten blocks from my favorite store.
The white floors glisten as if they were recently polished, and I breathe in the aroma of fresh coffee as I grab a cart, even though I don’t need one. I grab the plastic bar and push the cart in the direction of facial care. When I reach the aisle I’m looking for “Sparks Fly” by Taylor Swift blares overhead, and I can’t help but grin and hum along.
I ignore the lyrics when she mentions green eyes, my mind trying to summon a memory of Rome’s beautiful irises. My body sways to the music, and I pick up a face mask before moving to the next aisle. I continue this motion and keep this headspace until I have everything I need, including some.
With my head in the clouds, I stand in line. My eyes wander nowhere in particular, but when I see a familiar figure, they stop and zone in. I want to curl in on myself. Today is definitely not the day I want to deal with him, but he sees me before I can turn around and book it farther into the store. At least he has a chaperone, and I know she’ll rein him in if necessary.
“What’s up, blondie?” Malik smiles at me.
From afar, it may seem like a kind gesture. However, this isn’t a sweet expression or greeting. His grin makes me purse my lips in disgust.
“What did I say about having good intentions?” Raina lectures him like a toddler.
“All I did was say hi?—”
“With that sly smile. Don’t act like I didn’t see it. Not every girl wants to fuck you, Malik. Get that out of your head.” Raina massages her temples. “It’s like I’m babysitting a child,” she groans.
“I’m surprised to see you two here. You’re not using the weekends as a break? The evaluations don’t have to run seven days a week,” I remark.
“This one needs extra lessons. Especially in the ‘how to treat a woman’ department.”
“I didn’t know that was a part of the program,” I tease Raina before leaning toward her. “But you are doing God’s work.”
“Tell me about it,” she sighs while rolling her eyes.
“You know I can hear you two, right? Women...” Malik grunts.
“What did I just say? Get it through your thick, jock skull. Women are equal, if not superior, to men.”
Malik’s lips turn upward, giving me a lopsided smirk. “I’m fine with that. If that means blondie here will take the charge. Tell me... are you a giver or a receiver?”
My face heats up, and rage simmers in my chest. Raina’s complexion matches mine, but when she opens her mouth, I hold a finger up to stop her.
“You know, Malik. For an all-star quarterback, you really know how to pass off your responsibilities and claim the glory for work you didn’t do.” I smirk before looking toward the cashier. “Man, I’d give anything to sit in on your evaluations. Raina, you’ll earn an award in excellence by the time we graduate.” I glance at Malik and smile at him, trying my best to look as disgusting as he did five minutes prior. “Have a good day.”
I walk away and start to put my stuff on the conveyor belt.
Raina looks over her shoulder and mouths “Damn, girl!” —amazed that Malik has shut his mouth.
I’m quick to defend my friends, and I try to do the same for myself, but I’m not perfect. It takes a lot to get under my skin. Malik is gross, and I don’t trust his intentions. I’m glad Raina seems to have him under control. But if he does anything to upset her, I’ll be sure he pays for it twofold.
I’m proud that I did that for myself. I don’t aim to insult people on purpose, but Malik needed to be put in his place. Hopefully by the time Raina is done with him, he’ll be more self-aware and not a menace.
I smile to myself when I get home. I don’t care that I’m sweaty and sore from carrying four bags filled with things I don’t need. These things will make me happy, and today is all about happiness. Spilling the items onto my bed, I grab my new pajamas and face mask. I haven’t checked my phone in two hours, and honestly, it’s freeing.
My feet lead me to the bathroom, where I remove my sweaty clothes, change into my new set of comfy clothes, and rinse my face. I apply the facemask and dance to the music in my head. Once I’ve coated on my face, I head back into my bedroom and plop on my bed. The jostle disturbs my phone, and it catches my attention. My heart skips a beat when I see his name, and when I read the message, any attempt at relaxation flies out the window.
Hey, bubbles, can you meet me at the football field tomorrow around 4:00 p.m.? There’s something I want to show you.