Chapter 18
Avery continued his counseling sessions over the next few months.
Remy was present most of the time, but she insisted that he go without her once in a while.
She wanted to give Avery enough space to express his thoughts and feelings to Theresa privately without always having to worry about Remy.
The therapy seemed to be working, as Avery seem calmer and more at peace now.
He was progressing well, which was alternately exhilarating and terrifying.
Remy lived in constant fear of losing Avery, and it was exhausting.
She still met with Ellis regularly, but he wasn’t making as nearly as much progress as Avery. Remy knew he needed professional help—Theresa’s help. He no longer yelled at her every time she mentioned the counseling idea, but instead kept saying he would think about it.
Then, at last, one day he said, “Maybe I’ll try it soon.”
Remy considered that to be a huge leap for him. She didn’t want to push him too much, so she’d said simply, “When you’re ready, you name the time and place, and I’ll make it happen.”
So far, he hadn’t made any concrete plans to meet with Theresa and Lucy, but Remy had the feeling he would soon.
Ellis was still having trouble vanishing.
In fact, it was getting worse. Many times, he couldn’t even make it through the night before being jolted back to consciousness.
It was like a horrible case of insomnia, and she knew it scared him.
He didn’t understand what was happening to him, and he was afraid he might be forced to cross over soon.
Ellis was still convinced he was going to hell, and it was horrible for Remy to see him so tormented.
Remy was suffering torment of her own. She’d spent the last few months in a constant state of panic that Avery could leave her at any moment.
Thank God for Lucy, who understood exactly how she felt.
She, too, had been working with Jesse to help him face his issues and find peace.
Remy was in awe of her courage. After all, Lucy had had absolutely no way of knowing that there was even a chance that Jesse could come back.
And yet she’d still done everything in her power to help him even though it had torn her up inside.
Lucy might be gentle and shy, but she wasn’t weak.
She’d loved Jesse enough to let him go, and Remy was doing her best to follow her example.
She would always put Avery’s happiness above her own.
It wasn’t easy. Remy was emotionally drained, utterly worn down by the constant worrying.
She was also physically exhausted, as the strain of working two jobs was starting to take its toll.
At least it was springtime now, and the weather was turning warm.
She was able to sit outside with Avery again, which made her happy.
During the winter, the tour bus didn’t stop at Little Round Top because it was too cold to let the tourists wander around.
She missed those daytime visits with Avery, and the thought of him being alone all day filled her with sorrow.
Though spring in Gettysburg was usually mild, the last few days had been unusually and ferociously hot.
The heat wave was supposed to last all week, and Remy was fairly uncomfortable in her long-sleeved Jennie Wade costume.
When the tour bus stopped at Little Round Top, the unusually active group had peppered her with questions, photo requests, and the like.
At first, all she could do was wearily wave at Avery while she and Jesse tried to take care of their guests’ needs.
Finally, she had a moment to breathe, and she eagerly walked toward Avery.
On the way over, a sudden wave of dizziness came over her. She put her hand on a nearby tree to steady herself. Avery rushed over to her.
“What’s the matter?” he asked when he reached her side.
“I’m okay, Avery. Just a little dizzy. It’s so hot,” Remy said, fanning herself with a map of Gettysburg.
“Darling, you don’t look well. Why don’t you sit down?”
“I’m fine, Avery,” Remy said, even as another wave of dizziness struck her. She realized she needed to quit being stubborn and sit down before she passed out. She slid down to the base of the tree and drew in a few deep breaths.
“Are you sick?” Avery asked, eyes full of concern.
“No, no. I’m fine. Really.”
Remy looked up at him and was slightly alarmed at his expression. Do I look that bad?
“Jesse!” Avery called out. Jesse turned around and saw Remy sitting on the ground with Avery crouched beside her. Avery sounded urgent, so Jesse jogged right over after a quick apology to the tourist he’d been helping.
“Have you got any water?” Avery asked him.
“Yeah, yeah. I got some on the bus,” Jesse said. He looked down at Remy. “Are you all right?”
Remy waved him off. “I’m fine. Quit worrying.”
“That damned outfit is too hot in this weather. It’s not healthy,” Avery said.
“I know,” Jesse said, looking worried. “I’ll be right back with some water.”
Jesse ran up the hill toward the bus.
“A chuisle,” Avery said somberly. “Love, you’re working too much. You have to get yourself some rest.”
“I can’t,” Remy said. “You know that. I have to work all the hours I can get.”
“I wish so much there was something I could do,” Avery said miserably. “I can’t bear seein’ you like this, and there isn’t a goddamn thing I can do about it.”
“Please don’t worry, Avery. I’ll be okay,” Remy said, looking into his eyes. She hated making him worry, because she could imagine how helpless he felt.
Jesse came running up with a water bottle. He twisted off the top and gave the bottle to her.
“Thank ye, Jesse,” Avery said, looking relieved. “Drink, love. Please.”
Remy nodded and drank half the bottle with one swig. “Thank you, Jesse. That helps.” Remy fanned herself again with the map. “I just feel a little dizzy, that’s all. I’ll be fine in a few minutes.”
Both men looked at her with concern.
“Remy,” Jesse said sternly. “Have you eaten anything today?”
Her silence was all the answer Avery and Jesse needed.
“Remy!” Avery cried, horrified.
“I’m fine, goddammit!” Remy yelled, glaring at both of them. “I’ve taken care of myself this long, and I don’t need a man to take care of me!”
Avery blinked and moved back a little to give her some space. He didn’t look hurt by her outburst. He just looked worried. Worried and weary.
Remy closed her eyes and leaned back against the tree.
“I’m tired. I’m just so tired.” Tears escaped down her cheeks, but she was too exhausted to wipe them away.
It was all too much. Working so much tired her out, but it was her heartache over Avery that was killing her inside.
She loved him so much that it scared her.
Being with him made her feel like she finally had a family, but what would she do if he had to leave?
It was like loving someone with a terminal disease, knowing they could die at any moment.
Remy opened her eyes to see Jesse and Avery sitting on either side of her, gazing at her with such tender concern that it made her want to weep harder.
Avery looked helplessly at Jesse and said quietly, “I just don’t know what to do.”
“Remy,” Jesse said, taking her hand in his.
“Everybody knows what a strong woman you are. Fillis was right when she said you should be so proud of everything you’ve accomplished all on your own, but nobody can make it by themselves.
It’s not about needing a man to take care of you.
” Jesse thought for a moment then went on.
“Look at me. When I came back, I had nothing. Lucy had to buy me clothes, socks, and I didn’t even have underwear! ”
Remy laughed softly at Jesse’s wide-eyed look. Avery looked relieved to see her smile.
“Theresa gave me food and a roof over my head. Sean helped me get a social security card and taught me how to drive. And you took a chance on an idiot cowboy who had no prior work experience.”
“You’re not an idiot, Jesse,” Remy said, calming down a little as she looked into his eyes.
“Point is, I never could have made it on my own. And the great thing is, I didn’t have to.
And neither do you. Remy, we all love you so much and you got to let us help you!
Darlin’, please don’t go hungry anymore.
You’re breakin’ my heart. And you’re killin’ him,” he said, gesturing at Avery. “You know, so to speak.”
Remy nodded, tearing up again. She turned to Avery and spoke, her voice breaking. “Oh, Avery, I’m so sorry for yelling at you.”
“Don’t you worry ’bout that,” Avery said, moving closer to her again. “I know you’re upset. I just want so much to help you.”
“I just…I can’t let myself need you, Avery,” she said, choking back a sob. “B-b-because I can’t have you.”
Remy covered her mouth to stifle the noise of her crying while the tears streamed down her face.
“Jesse,” Avery said, his voice anguished. “Hold her. Please.”
Jesse looked into her eyes, imploring her to let him comfort her but unwilling to do so without her permission. Remy nodded and opened her arms.
“This is from Avery, Remy,” Jesse said as he gently took her into his arms.
Remy wrapped her arms around Jesse, taking in a few deep breaths as she tried to calm herself.
Of course, it wasn’t the same as being held by Avery himself, but it was still a tremendous comfort.
Jesse’s words and his tender touch were reminders that she really wasn’t alone and never would be, even if Avery had to leave her.
Jesse took a few moments, gently stroking her back to soothe her.
He did a wonderful job of navigating the fine line of what was appropriate and what was not when it came to holding a woman who was not his girlfriend.
His touch was more intimate than when he hugged her as himself, yet still distant enough so as not to make either one of them uncomfortable.