Chapter 17
“You all right?” Ellis asked the moment he saw Remy walking toward him at Culp’s Hill. Lately, Ellis was finally becoming more at ease with talking to her. And he’d also begun to know her well enough to notice when something was wrong.
“Yes, I’m all right,” Remy said with a smile.
It meant a lot to her that Ellis was worried about her. Getting someone like him to care was no easy feat. He had so much anger and hate inside him, but Remy had known all along that he had a softer side in there somewhere.
“It’s nothing new,” Remy said, taking her usual seat beside Ellis on the rock facing the huge tower.
She watched a couple of young, excited kids racing up the steps and marveled at their energy.
“Sometimes it just hits me hard knowing that Avery might actually cross over one of these days, you know?”
Ellis nodded. Remy was still careful with how much of her personal life she divulged to him, but it was no secret to him that she loved Avery.
“Most of the time I try not to think about it. I try to be happy with things the way they are.”
“Which isn’t so great,” Ellis said in his gruff voice. “No real dates, no sex, no nothin’.”
Remy suppressed a smile when she remembered the deliciously sensual experience she had recently shared with Avery.
There was no way in hell she would ever reveal something like that to Ellis.
He was fairly nice to her most of the time these days, but she knew someday she might piss him off, and he would have no problem in using her private confessions to humiliate her.
“Yeah, it can be tough. But the hardest thing is the uncertainty. It’s terrifying to think that he might just disappear one day. Cross over without me getting to say goodbye,” Remy said sadly, staring off in the distance.
After a moment or two of silence, Ellis said quietly, “Yeah, but he knows how you feel. Even if he has to leave without sayin’ goodbye, ’least he knows you love him.”
Remy smiled at Ellis, proud of his progress. A few months ago, he never would have said something so kind.
“Avery agreed to let Theresa and Lucy counsel him, help him work through all the stuff that’s kept him stuck here all this time.
We’re hoping that maybe he’ll be allowed to come back to life like Jesse did.
But there’s also a huge risk that he’ll cross over,” Remy said, and then added, “I’m scared. ”
Ellis looked up at her and nodded. “Yeah. I get it.”
“Have you thought any more about letting Theresa help you, too? You wouldn’t have to go to her group. Avery’s not. He’s just gonna talk with Theresa and Lucy and me. Maybe you could do that too, sometime.”
Remy waited for Ellis to start yelling that he never wanted to let Theresa help him and that she should shut up and mind her own business. That’s what he always said, no matter how many times she broached the subject. This time he stayed silent for a moment.
“I don’t want to cross over,” Ellis said.
“I know you don’t,” Remy said. Ellis had told her that many times. “But I don’t understand why. I really wish you would tell me. Don’t you trust me by now?”
Ellis studied her face. “I don’t know. Every single person I ever trusted in my entire life let me down. Every one. You seem different, but that don’t mean anything. How do I know you’re not laughin’ at me behind my back with all your friends?”
“I would never do that!” Remy said. Ellis looked so broken, so scared that it made her chest ache.
“They all hate me.”
“They don’t hate you,” Remy lied. Jesse hated him, that was for sure.
She’d gently told him the truth about befriending Ellis, and he was not happy.
He’d held his temper, but Remy could see it was a struggle.
Ellis had hurt Lucy, and that was unforgivable as far as he was concerned.
Remy avoided talking about Ellis around Jesse whenever possible.
“They’re just, you know, afraid of you.”
Ellis nodded. Lucy was afraid of him, that was for sure, and Avery was afraid on Remy’s behalf.
He didn’t like her hanging around Ellis because he was afraid he might hurt her.
And sometimes he did. Sometimes when he was feeling especially angry or bitter, he might say something awful to Remy like “no wonder your parents didn’t want you.
” Though she felt crushed inside, she always kept her expression neutral, refusing to give him the satisfaction of knowing he’d hurt her.
It was times like those that she wondered why she put up with the guy.
Days like today reminded her of why she still came to sit with him so often. He looked like a scared little boy. He needed her, and she couldn’t bear to abandon him like everyone else in his life had.
“I would never, ever laugh at you, Ellis. You really should know that by now.”
Ellis looked at her curiously, but nodded. “You’re pretty goddamn patient with me, I’ll give you that.” He paused a long while, then said, “I don’t want to cross over because…”
Remy held her breath. She didn’t want to move for fear of scaring him off. Please tell me, Ellis. Then maybe I can help.
“Because…because I don’t know where I’m gonna go.”
Ellis’s expression of raw, primal fear stunned her. He looked at her with unadulterated terror. My God, he thinks he’s going to hell.
Remy nodded carefully, afraid to speak in case he wanted to share more.
“I wasn’t…I’m not a good man. Wasn’t in life, and I ain’t now.
Remy, I killed those two guys in the Railroad Cut.
I murdered ’em. I mean, sometimes in war you got to kill, but those men?
They were beggin’ for their lives, and I shot ’em both.
I shot ’em.” Ellis’s face was full of horror and regret.
So different from when he’d once bragged to her about the killings.
She realized now that his bragging about their deaths was just a front.
In reality, he was torn up, full of torturous guilt inside over killing them.
“That was right after you found out about Jane,” Remy said cautiously. “You were upset and in a rage, and that’s part of why you killed those guys.”
Ellis blinked as he looked at her. He seemed surprised that she understood.
“Yeah,” he said. “I know it ain’t no excuse, but I was really fucked up that day.
Wuz like one minute I had a whole future ahead of me—I was gonna get married to her and maybe finally have a real family, and then I found out it was all over.
Just like that. No reason to go back home.
No one to go back home to. I didn’t care who I killed or if I got killed.
I think I wanted to die, too. Didn’t give a shit if I caught a bullet.
’Cause I thought it would all be over.” He laughed a bitter, sarcastic laugh.
“Still ain’t over. After all this time.”
That poor man, she thought. His whole life had been filled with such pain, and so was his never-ending afterlife. That was why he’d vanished for so long, and why he was so terrified that he couldn’t vanish much anymore. He was petrified that Judgment Day was at hand for him.
“You’re afraid you’re going to hell for killing those men,” Remy said softly.
“Wouldn’t you be?” Ellis roared, looking at her with such ferocity that it actually frightened her. She couldn’t help but jump when he startled her, but she tried to keep her face and demeanor calm otherwise.
Remy nodded. “Maybe. I understand why you’re afraid. But Ellis, you know Jesse has been around forever. He didn’t vanish much while he was dead, and he’s seen a lot of guys cross over. He told me it’s always peaceful, wonderful. He’s never seen anybody go to hell.”
“They were good people. I’m not a good person.”
“You made mistakes, Ellis. You’re not evil.”
“But there ain’t no way to atone for what I done!” Ellis said.
“No, there never is. Not after all this time. But none of the other soldiers could do anything to fix what they’d done in the past, either. Anyone they’d ever hurt was dead, and they couldn’t touch anyone or do anything for anybody else to make up for their sins.”
Ellis considered her words. She couldn’t tell if he felt better or more hopeless.
“I think you just have to forgive yourself,” Remy said. “You have to find peace here before you can find peace in heaven.”
Ellis stared off in the distance.
“Will you at least consider letting us counsel you?”
He didn’t answer for a long time. Finally, almost imperceptibly, he nodded.
* * *
Avery’s first counseling session took place at Gettysburg College.
It was getting too cold to meet outside, so Theresa found an empty classroom they could use to meet.
They arranged the chairs in a circle so they could all face each other.
Remy sat between Avery and Lucy, and Theresa sat on the other side of Avery.
“Okay, so what we’re working on here is trying to figure out exactly what has kept Avery stuck here for all this time so we can get him to the point where he can cross over,” Theresa said in her best gentle yet authoritative psychologist voice.
She wasn’t officially a psychologist yet, but she was currently working toward her Ph.D.
in psychology. “Of course, we’re hoping once he gets to that point, he’ll be given a choice to stay.
But we all know that there’s no guarantee that will happen, right?
” Theresa looked directly at Remy with concern.
“I understand,” Remy said in a small voice. She was determined to help Avery find peace no matter what happened, but it was already harder than she had imagined. It was impossible to imagine her life without Avery. It would feel like a part of her was gone, leaving a black, empty hole in her soul.
Avery gently brushed her cheek and said tenderly, “It’s all right, a chuisle.”
“Lucy and I have seen several people cross over. The way it usually works is the person feels an uncontrollable urge to return to where he died. So Avery, if you ever feel a compelling urge that you must go back to Little Round Top, it probably means it’s your time.”
Avery nodded.
“With Jesse and Joel, they both needed to go back to Devil’s Den right away,” Lucy gently explained.
“I went with them because I knew what was happening, and I needed to be there to say goodbye to Jesse.” Lucy was visibly struggling to keep her voice steady for Remy’s sake, but her voice quavered and there was a threat of tears in her eyes.
Remy could not begin to imagine how Lucy must have felt that day, heading to Devil’s Den and trying to prepare herself to let Jesse go.
“When we got there, we saw this amazing, beautiful portal. Oh, it’s so hard to explain, but it’s like it was filled with light and love, and oh, Remy,” Lucy grabbed her hand in both of hers and said, “Please understand that whatever happens, Avery will be happy. He’ll be surrounded by comfort and peace if he… ”
Remy drew in a shuddery breath and nodded, tears already spilling down her cheeks.
The idea of Avery disappearing into the portal without her was excruciating, but the knowledge that he would be all right brought a sense of peace and calm to her heart.
She would rather suffer the pain of grief than have him go through it.
“Joel went into the light to be with his wife and children, and when Jesse’s portal opened he, well, he disappeared at first,” Lucy choked back a sob. “I’m so sorry. I’m supposed to be trying to make this easier for you!”
Lucy let go of Remy’s hand so she could wipe her eyes.
“It’s okay, Lucy. It’s better that I know what I’m facing here.”
Lucy nodded. “Well, he-he disappeared, but then he said he heard a voice, and he was asked if he wanted to stay. And he stayed.” Relief washed over Lucy’s face at the memory. “One minute I’m crying my eyes out, and the next minute Jesse’s picking me up and holding me in his arms.”
Theresa smiled at Lucy, visibly touched by her story. Then she turned to Remy and said, “That’s the thing with Avery—he has loved ones on both sides of the divide. He has family, a daughter in heaven, and he has you here on earth, so it’s hard to know which way this is gonna go.”
Avery and Remy looked into each other's eyes, and Theresa fell silent to give them a moment.
“If I happen to be nearby when it happens, when Avery feels the call to go back to Little Round Top, I can go with you if you want,” Theresa told Remy, “but Lucy really shouldn’t. It’s much too dangerous for her to return to where Avery died.”
Remy nodded. “I agree. I don’t want her getting hurt.”
“But Remy,” Lucy said gently. “You know I’ll be here for you afterward. No matter what happens.”
“Thank you,” Remy said, first looking at Lucy and then at Theresa.
Avery put his head down.
“You all right, Avery?” Remy asked him.
“I just…I feel so torn,” Avery said, still staring down at the floor.
Then he glanced up at Remy. “I love you so much, Remy. But I love me daughter, too. I feel terrible about leaving her…again…if I stay. She’s waitin’ for her daddy, been waitin’ all this time, and I don’t know what to do.
” Avery looked at Theresa and told her, “I know that it’s guilt over my little girl, Charlotte, that’s kept me here all this while. ”
Remy was dimly aware of Lucy putting a gentle, comforting hand on her back as she listened to Avery speak.
“Oh, Remy, you’re the love of my life, and beyond…but I’m afraid I will end up leaving and I feel so awful about it. I-I-”
“Avery, don’t ever feel bad about wanting to be with your daughter.
You’re such a wonderful father,” Remy told him, her voice barely a whisper.
His devotion to his precious little girl only made Remy love him more.
“I have to do what’s best for you, whatever that might be.
With Theresa’s and Lucy’s help, we can help you work through your problems and help you reach your final destiny, whatever that is. ”
Avery looked deeply into her eyes, “I will always love you, a chuisle. Whatever happens.”
Remy smiled and said, “I’ll love you forever, darling. No matter what.” She took a deep breath, gathered every ounce of strength she could muster, and turned to Theresa and nodded.
“Okay, Avery. Tell me everything,” Theresa said, leaning forward.