Chapter 21
Several weeks went by, and no one had seen or heard from Ellis.
Remy wondered where he was hiding, since he couldn’t vanish much anymore.
She felt stupid, not to mention disloyal to her dearest friends, for worrying about him.
Still, she found she couldn’t help it. He had seemed so agonized the last time she had seen him that day at Culp’s Hill when he told her how sorry he was.
Remy couldn’t imagine the bleakness, the endless midnight of his existence, from which he had no escape.
They had a quiet tour group today, so Remy was able to sit with Avery at Little Round Top while the tourists explored the hilltop. A grandfatherly type of man from her group grinned knowingly when he saw Remy sitting with her handsome soldier.
“Hey, now, I didn’t know Jennie Wade had a suitor!” the old man said with a friendly wink.
The man laughed, eyes twinkling, and seemed utterly charmed by her. He exchanged a warm smile with Avery as he went on his way to explore.
Remy smiled at Avery and said, “And what a handsome suitor you are, Avery.”
“Why, thank ye, miss,” Avery said.
Remy let out a sigh. He looked at her with concern, so she figured she might as well confess what was on her mind. “It’s so stupid of me, but I can’t help worrying about Ellis.”
Avery’s expression darkened. “He been botherin’ you?”
“No, no. I mean, I’m worried about him. I know I shouldn’t be. After what he did to Lucy, I shouldn’t give a damn what happens to him. But I do. He was such a mess the last time I saw him.”
Avery nodded. “That he was.”
Remy looked up to see Jesse standing nearby. He didn’t look happy. “I-I’m sorry, Jesse. I’m not defending what he did or anything,” Remy said.
“I know you’re not,” Jesse said wearily. “And I didn’t mean to listen in on what you were sayin’.”
“It’s okay,” Remy said. It wasn’t like she and Avery could have a personal conversation with so many tourists around anyway.
“Maybe he finally crossed over,” Avery offered hopefully, looking at Jesse and Remy.
“It’s possible, but I doubt it,” Remy said. “He was a wreck the last time I saw him.”
“Good,” Jesse said bitterly.
“I know I should hate him for what he did, Jesse,” Remy said, looking at him sorrowfully. “But I think he really is sorry for what he did. Not that it makes up for anything. Not even close. But he was watching that day, and he was horrified at what Lucy went through.”
“Why?” Jesse said, voice rising. “He’s the one who did it to her!”
“Yes, he did. And it was despicable of him,” Remy said, picturing Lucy lying on the ground, writhing in pain. “But I think he’d give anything to take it back.”
Jesse’s rage continued to rise. Remy could see his muscles tense and his fists clench, and she found herself wishing Jesse could punch Ellis right in the face. Truth was, it would have made both men feel better. Ellis wanted to do penance for his horrible deed, but he couldn’t.
“He’s always been terrified to cross over,” Remy said softly. “He’s afraid he’s going to hell.”
“I hope he does go to hell!” Jesse said menacingly, struggling not to lose his temper and make a public scene. “Christ, Remy. How can you possibly defend him?”
Remy had never seen Jesse so mad, and it hurt that he was angry at her. But she knew he had every right to be furious with her. She was crazy to defend Ellis, and both he and Lucy deserved so much better.
“Jesse, I can’t imagine how hard this is for you,” Avery said, his eyes full of empathy. “But please don’t yell at her.”
Jesse’s face softened just a bit as he looked at Avery.
“Remy understands Ellis on a level that none of us could ever do. Her family was terrible to her, so she knows what he went through in life and now in death. She understands what that kind of abusive home life does to a person.”
Jesse looked at Remy sorrowfully. He was such a gentle soul and didn’t want to see her suffer, no matter how angry he was.
Avery looked at Remy with love and affection. “Just like Lucy feels the physical pain of soldiers, I believe Remy can feel other’s emotional pain. She just…understands.”
Remy gazed into Avery’s eyes, amazed at how well he understood her. He knew her so well, and their connection ran so deep. They were soulmates in the most literal sense of the word. She didn’t even know how she would be able to breathe if he crossed over and left her behind.
Tearing her gaze from Avery, she turned to Jesse and said softly, “I’m so sorry, Jesse.”
“Hey,” Jesse said firmly. “It’s like Sean said, you didn’t do it. Ellis did. It’s okay, Remy.”
Jesse’s hard expression was back, and she knew it wasn’t really okay.
He was angry that Remy felt sorry for Ellis, but he didn’t hate her for it.
They were still friends. Remy knew she’d better quit talking about Ellis with Jesse around.
It was the least she could do to keep from traumatizing Jesse further. God knows he had suffered enough.
It wasn’t until many weeks later that she finally caught sight of Ellis.
It was at Culp’s Hill in the middle of the day during one of the tours.
Jesse was preoccupied, racing one of the kids from the tour up those millions of stairs to get to the top of the huge metal lookout tower. Remy’s legs hurt just watching them.
She turned and saw Ellis, quietly standing among the rocks and looking at her. God knows how many times he’d been there during her tours lately, but she couldn’t see him if he chose to be invisible.
Remy walked over to Ellis and stood in front of him. He looked haunted, sorrowful, but there was also a glint of hope in his eye.
“How’s Avery?” Ellis asked. “Is he making any progress with his counseling?”
Remy sighed wearily. The fear of losing Avery seemed to crush her more and more each day.
“Not really. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m holding him back.
” Even as she spoke the words, she had no idea why she was confiding in Ellis of all people.
It was strange, but for some reason she felt he would understand.
“Maybe he really just wants to be with his daughter and his worrying about me is keeping him stuck here. It’s probably me and my selfishness. ”
Ellis laughed so loudly that it made Remy jump.
He looked at her fondly. “You don’t even know how to be selfish.
You can trust me—I’m an expert on the subject.
” He fell silent for a moment, and then said, “That day I hurt Lucy…Jesse kept sayin’ over and over, ‘I wish it was me, why can’t this happen to me instead of her.
’ You’d do that for Avery. If you had to let go of ’im, let him cross over, I think it’d hurt you just as bad as havin’ your leg torn off your body.
But you’d do it anyway. You’d do it for him. ”
Remy’s eyes welled up with tears. “I would. If it would make him happy, I would let him go.”
Ellis nodded sadly. “I wish I could bring him back to you, Remy. I’d give up my own soul if I could make that happen.”
Remy stared at him, feeling the truth behind his words. He would really do it, too.
“Why can’t you just stay the hell away from her?” Jesse snarled angrily as he charged toward them.
“Jesse!” Ellis said, looking strangely relieved to see him. “Jesse, I want to tell you I’m so sorry for hurting that sweet girl of yours. Lucy didn’t deserve that. She’s an angel and—”
“Yes! She is!” Jesse snapped, eyes blazing.
He leaned in close to Ellis’s face and said in a low, threatening voice, “And you better pray to God you don’t need my forgiveness to get into heaven, ’cause you ain’t never gonna get it.
You can burn in hell for all I care.” Jesse stared at him coldly, then walked away.
“You’re right. Lucy didn’t deserve to suffer like that,” Remy said softly to Ellis. “But neither did you.”
That tiny sliver of hope was back in Ellis’s eyes.
Remy gathered her skirt and rushed over to calm Jesse.
* * *
Remy had dinner with Lucy and Jesse that night at Jesse’s insistence. She was afraid he would be furious with her, but he seemed more worried than anything else. He didn’t like Remy being anywhere near Ellis, fearing that his sorrow was just an act to set some kind of trap for her.
As always, the dinner Lucy had prepared was delicious. Spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread. Remy probably ate more in one meal at their place than she would in a week of small frozen dinners in her apartment. It was such a relief to have a full stomach for once!
Remy and Jesse had explained their encounter with Ellis as best they could, trying not to upset Lucy. She did her best to stay calm, but it was clear that Lucy was nearly as angry as Jesse was.
“I’m not ready to forgive him, that’s for damn sure!” Lucy said, and Jesse nodded his approval. “It was just so awful…and he went through the same thing, so he knew what he was doing to me. I mean, God…the pain…you just can’t imagine how horrible it was.”
“No, I can’t,” Remy said in a small voice, feeling like a wretched, ungrateful person for feeling sorry for Ellis when he had viciously harmed her best friend.
Lucy glanced over at Jesse, who looked devastated just thinking about what happened.
Lucy clenched her teeth. “And I hate him for putting Jesse through that. He still blames himself for what happened to me at Devil’s Den.
He shouldn’t, but he does. And it’s like he had to go through it all over again. ”
Lucy looked into his eyes and squeezed his hand.
“I know,” Remy said. “I don’t know what I would do if I had to stand back and watch Avery suffer like that.” The mere thought of someone torturing Avery made her sick to her stomach. “I’m so sorry, Lucy.”
Lucy gave her a reassuring smile. “It’s not your fault, Remy. And I’m not mad at you. I won’t say I understand why you feel sorry for him, because I don’t. But I’ll be damned if I let that awful man mess up our friendship, so don’t stress about it, okay?”
“Exactly,” Jesse said, nodding. “I don’t know why you care what happens to him, but you do. I’m mad at him, not you, got it?”
Remy nodded gratefully at him.
“Well, one thing’s for sure,” Lucy said, looking at Remy. “If you don’t help him, nobody will.”
Exactly right, thought Remy.