Chapter 21
twenty-one
Padraig
Nearly Two Years Later
The house smells like a childhood memory.
The table’s full of platters of food. Three roast chickens. Fresh brown bread. Mounds of mashed potatoes. Carrots and parsnips.
Ma barks at Brennan and Seamus to set the table faster. The air is thick with chatter and nostalgia.
It’s the first family dinner since Da’s accident where every chair at the dining table will be filled. Liam and I have seen Connor, Ma, and the boys in spurts over the last year, but we’ve not spent any time here.
Coming home makes the ache for Stevie worse.
Her parents still live next door and my memories of her are everywhere.
I try not to picture her smile or the way she used to curl up on the couch while Liam and I rehearsed.
Or how we’d ditch school early to sneak up to my bedroom and get lost in each other.
There’s not a goddamn room in this house where I don’t have a memory of the woman who smashed my heart to smithereens.
I try not to think about her in New York living the life we should have shared.
Ma’s best friends with Lucinda, so I know she married Cooper a year after we fucked each other raw.
Since then I’ve banned her from sharing anything Stevie-related.
If my brothers know anything, they respect me enough to STFU as well.
It’s too fucking painful.
But, I’m here. Doing my best to move on. Sitting shoulder to shoulder with my family, even if the closeness we once shared is fractured.
Once the table is set, Ma calls us all in. Connor takes the head of the table where Da used to sit, broad shoulders squared. Our oldest brother carries the quiet authority he’s earned with confidence. The rest of us join him as Cillian strolls in with a beer in hand.
Liam’s eyes flick to mine. Neither of us say anything, but we’re shocked. He and I stopped drinking after what happened with Da. Watching our twenty-year-old brother twist the cap off a Heineken like it’s nothing twists my gut.
Not my place, though. Tonight’s supposed to be a step toward reconciliation.
Despite the basic chatter, everything about this night feels off. It doesn’t help I feel completely out of place in my own family, as does Liam. Connor’s intentions of getting us the fuck away from Da may have come from a place of protectiveness, but it’s clear we don’t belong here anymore.
Looking over my shoulder at the shuffling noise behind me, I’m taken aback at the sight of Da.
He’s thinner and his face is hollow. Pain is carved into every line.
The man isn’t even fifty and he’s using a cane like he’s three decades older.
His eyes are clear, though, and they sweep the table, landing on us.
“Good to see you, lads,” he mumbles as he approaches.
I nod and force a small smile but Liam doesn’t look up from his plate. Defiant in the way only he can pull off. Da lingers for a beat, waiting for an acknowledgment —which doesn’t come—before he lowers himself into a chair with a sharp breath.
The atmosphere bristles until Ma waves her hands over the table.
“Now eat,” she demands, spooning potatoes onto Seamus’ plate. “You’ll waste away if you don’t.”
We obey because it’s what we’ve always done, and though Ma’s food is delicious, it takes every ounce of effort for me not to bound out of here to a place where the air isn’t so thick with sorrow.
Nothing about this family gathering feels normal. At least not for me. Connor, Brennan, Seamus, and Cillian have lived through it all. Every doctor’s visit. Every night Da slipped too far into the painkillers. The verbal abuse. All the rest.
Liam and I have been spared, protected. The repercussions are obvious. We’re visitors at our childhood home. Years and years of experiences we’ve never shared with our family and they’ve never shared with us.
They don’t know us anymore.
Connor makes an effort to keep us engaged in the conversation. “The Mission tomorrow,” he tilts his head toward me, “it’s a big room. Sold out. Can’t believe it.”
“Yeah, it’ll be a great show.” I hover a bite of chicken in front of my mouth. “We haven’t played Seattle since…”
He nods once. “You’ll crush it. Appreciate you boys opening for us when you could be headlining. At least we’ll have a crowd.”
“Happy to.” I shrug. Years ago, I predicted we’d shift slot positions and now it’s happened. I try not to be too bitter.
After dinner, Connor leaves for band practice and Ma and I clear the table. As we stack plates on the counter, she presses a hand to my arm. “It’s good you’re home. We all miss you both.”
“Yeah? It’s not easy for me to be here,” I admit as the sink fills with soapy water.
Ma dries her hands on a dish towel, hesitating like she’s bracing herself. “I know and Padraig, I’ve respected your wishes not to bring up Stevie.” She sighs. “There’s something I need to tell you. I can’t keep it from you anymore.”
I go rigid. Every muscle tenses. “Ma—”
She reaches for my arm. “You know Stevie’s married now, love. I don’t think you heard she and her husband have a little girl—about a year old.”
“Don’t say another word.” The air leaves my lungs in a sharp, unsteady rush.
Her eyes glisten, but her hand stays firm. “You deserve to move forward, my darling. I know how much you love her, I always thought the two of you would find your way back, but things moved quickly. Now there’s a baby involved.”
I look away, fighting the sting behind my eyes.
“Your first love is the hardest to let go.” Ma cups my face like I’m a boy. “I don’t want to see you stuck in the past while life passes you by. You and Liam both need more out of life than ghosts and heartache.”
Her gaze shifts briefly toward the dining room where Liam’s voice carries above the others, brittle and too loud. “He needs healing too. Your da’s words and actions hang over this family like a shadow. It has to be faced someday.”
I nod stiffly, but the oppressive ache in my chest makes it hard to breathe.
After the dishes are done, we cram into the living room. The TV’s on but no one’s watching.
Side by side on the couch, Seamus is curled up with his hoodie pulled tight, Brennan is hunched over his laptop, now working on some sort of artificial intelligence app, or something. Cillian’s in the armchair with a second beer dangling loose between his fingers.
Once again, Liam and I clock it, but neither of us say anything. We’re the long-lost brothers with no right to an opinion.
Da’s cane taps against the hardwood. We all turn. He crosses the room, stopping in front of Liam. “Step out with me a minute, son. On the porch.”
Liam doesn’t move.
The impenetrable protective wall he’s built since the incident is on full display. His jaw’s set. Shoulders squared. Tension pools in the silence for so long I think he’s going to tell Rory to fuck off in front of everyone. Surprisingly, he finally stands, and follows Da outside.
The front door clicks shut.
“What do you think they’re talking about?” Seamus asks cautiously.
“Da’s probably trying to apologize, I know he feels bad,” Cillian reasons.
“Doesn’t erase what he did.” Brennan doesn’t look up from the laptop.
I lean forward. “I wonder if he even remembers how bad it was. He was so far gone. The pills. The drink.”
“We all remember.” Seamus pulls at the cuff of his sleeve.
My mind whirls back to the day. Of course we do.
The shouting. The reek of whiskey. Da snarling at Liam for being with a man, calling him a disgrace.
Saying he wasn’t his son. A slap so hard it sent me sideways.
Liam’s body tumbling down the stairs, limp and twisted, the sound of his head hitting each step.
None of us will ever be able to erase the memory.
“Yeah,” I manage. “We all remember.”
Brennan shuts his laptop with a sharp click.
“He’s ashamed. For weeks after, Da barely got out of bed.
He never touched any of us, but he did turn the self-destruction on himself.
Did Connor tell you he’d sneak out late at night to gamble in illegal poker games?
He had to track Da down and bring him home.
Lost so much money he nearly put the company out of business.
Ma gave him an ultimatum, get help or she’d move us all back to Ireland. It’s better now, but he’s a mess.”
“Da went cold turkey. He’s making an effort and works a bit more these days.
When I get my degree next year, I plan to take it over.
” Cillian hesitates, then shrugs. “Brennan’s a genius programmer.
He’s gonna revolutionize the world. Seamus is going to heal us all.
You and Liam are doing your thing. Don’t worry about us. We’re strong Irish stock.”
“I know you don’t feel like you’re part of this anymore. Not like before. But, you’re our brothers and you’ll always be family,” Seamus states matter-of-factly.
“Connor made us stay away. After what happened to Liam, he couldn’t risk—”
“Look, odds are he’s never going to forgive Da, and probably shouldn’t,” Brennan cuts in. “Liam didn’t deserve what happened.”
I don’t argue. Because my astute, brainiac brother isn’t wrong.
The violence goes without saying. His cruel slags can and will never be erased. It’s taken years for my twin to accept who he is, and I’m not sure he’s fully there yet.
Da made him feel like his desires were shameful. It’s left him broken. Damaged. The repercussions resonate to this day.
“I don’t blame him.” Seamus shakes his head.
“Look, Da knows he made a mistake. If he apologizes, I think Liam should try to meet him halfway.” Cillian sets his empty bottle down. “It’s not who he is, you know. Everyone can hit rock bottom without their entire family shunning them.”
“A mistake? The homophobia and misogyny came from somewhere.” My hands curl into fists. “I wish…” My voice falters. “I wish Da had been the man we thought he was. Liam is the victim here and I’ll take his side every fucking time.”
Silence settles heavy over us, broken only by muffled voices on the porch.
Seamus shifts on the couch. “Do you think we’ll ever feel like a family again?”
“Not if the two of youse stay away.” Cillian juts his chin out at me.
I glance toward the door where the porch light glows through the window. “He’s protecting himself. Always has. Hopefully Da’s remorseful enough and they can figure it out. It’s between them.”
“I hope so too. Otherwise we’ll end up being strangers who share blood.” Brennan has a way of cutting straight to the point.
The thought saddens me to the core.
Both Liam and I know what it’s like to lose someone you thought would always be there for you forever and the pain when it’s ripped away.
Stevie is a ghost I carry everywhere. No matter how much time passes, nothing will ever fill the void.
I rub a hand over my face and stare at the door, willing Da to make things right. Whatever it takes.
This family needs to heal. One thing I’ve learned over the past few years is, when you stop trying, fractures widen. The people you love don’t merely drift out of reach.
They leave.
Forever.
Looking around the living room at my brothers, all I feel is love.
My brothers are my lifeblood.
I’m going to do whatever it takes to make up for lost time.