Forever Found (Lost #3)

CHAPTER 12

ADDY

I woke up feeling warm and safe, and I pressed a little harder against the chest my head lay on. At first I thought it was Jordan and I sighed happily. Ever since the kidnapping, he was the only one who had stayed the man I knew him to be. He hadn’t changed in any way, and though I knew he worried about me, he didn’t get angry or annoyed with me. His attempts to encourage me to eat or sleep more, or to talk to him, were always gentle and playful and I needed that. I needed the familiarity of him being the guy I loved.

“Shortcake?” I looked up and pulled back a little when I realized it was Eli I was cuddled up to, not Jordan. “Hey sweetie. How are you feeling?” he asked gently.

As I looked out of the car window to my side I remembered what had happened – Kane yelling at me and me trying to run. Asher and Eli had gotten me out of there, just as I’d asked them to.

“Where are we?” I asked as I sat up more and looked all around me, worried Kane would already be there, having found or followed us. He had become almost crazy about knowing where I was and I knew he’d be losing his mind if he didn’t know my exact location at that moment.

“Our mother’s cabin. Her father used to bring her up here in summer when she was a kid. He left it to her when he died, and when Ash and I were kids, she’d sometimes bring us here. It’s peaceful and no one but me and Ash know about it,” Eli explained.

I looked out of the window again and really looked this time. We were parked before a huge wooded built cabin with two story’s. A solid wood staircase led up to a wraparound porch that seemed to span the entire perimeter of the house. There were pots filled with evergreen plants at the foot of the stairs, despite the snow that was all around us. The cabin sat beside a huge lake that seemed to span miles. It looked partially frozen and the sun was glinting off of the ice at it’s center. Trees surrounded the water and I couldn’t see another house or person for miles.

“It’s beautiful,” I gasped.

“We expected the cabin to be falling down by now. We haven’t been here for decades, but someone’s obviously been taking care of it,” Eli explained. “Ash has gone to see if we can get inside.”

“Did Kane call?” I asked reluctantly, knowing he would have.

“He did, but Ash didn’t tell him where we are. He just assured Kane that you’re safe. He’s shut his cell off now so Kane can’t track it.”

“You think he’d do that?” It was a stupid question really, considering how insanely protective Kane had been since we arrived back home weeks before. I doubted there was anything he wouldn’t do to know exactly where I was. Part of me was grateful to know he cared that much at first, but it had become almost an obsession for him and it had begun to feel suffocating. That last call I had with him had been the last straw. I couldn’t handle anymore. I loved him. I had no doubts about that, but I just needed him to back off and be the Kane I knew again. If he couldn’t do that, then I wasn’t sure I could handle the obsessive Kane he had become.

“I think the idea of losing you has sent him a little crazy right now, Addy,” Eli replied.

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“Come on. You don’t need to worry about him right now. How about you take a break from all of that stress going on in your head, and we just enjoy being here, okay?” Eli suggested.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” I agreed. I was pretty sure it would be impossible to shut down the thoughts and images constantly running through my exhausted mind, but I was definitely willing to try it, desperate for just a little stillness in the chaos.

“Good. Stay there a second. Asher stopped to get some supplies, and he bought you a new coat and some boots.” I looked down at my feet and winced a little when I realized I was wearing flip flops. Not exactly ideal for the bitter, snowy weather.

“Sorry. I wasn’t really thinking straight when I got dressed.” I tried to explain.

“It’s alright. Ash picked up some clothes for all of us too, and some food. He even managed to get us all new, prepaid cell phones. We should be good to stay here for a few days if that’s what you want.”

“I’m honestly not sure what I want right now, but thank you…for bringing me here. I just…I felt like I couldn’t breathe in the house any more. ”

“You have to know there’s nothing Ash and I wouldn’t do for you, Addy. We love you, shortcake.” He placed a kiss on the top of my head before he got out of the car, closing the door behind him.

Eli helped me pull on a brand new pair of thick, wool socks, along with the new pair of boots and a thick black puffer coat Asher had picked up for me, then I was out of the car and moving almost magnetically towards the beautiful lake.

Eli was right on my heels when I turned to glance at him, pulling on his own new coat, which Asher had been required to buy when I forced them to leave the house without giving them the time to grab a single thing.

I hated the state I found myself in right then. I hated the way things were between me and the men I loved, and I hated even more the fact that I didn’t feel strong enough to face them head on and find out what was truly going on. I hated that I was now dragging my brothers into the mess I had created because I was just too pathetic to handle any of it alone. I hated everything about myself and the person I had become over the last couple of years, not that I’d ever truly been happy with the person I was in the first place.

“I forgot how much I love this place,” Eli sighed as he came up to my side where I had paused at the edge of the lake. The water was moving in and out from the bank edge, and the sun was shining down and warming my face. It truly was the most beautiful and tranquil place I had ever been.

“You used to come here as kids, you said?”

“Yeah. Our mom, she suffered with crippling depression, but sometimes she’d have good days, or even a few of them in a row. When that happened, she’d usually want to get away from our father, and this is where she’d bring us. We used to swim in this lake in summer, and in winter we’d run through the woods, pelting snowballs at each other and just being kids for once. We loved it here,” Eli explained.

“It sounds magical.”

“It was, I suppose. It was definitely a haven from our father for Ash and I. My mom too, I guess,” he shrugged.

“Hey!” I turned and saw Asher jogging around the side of the house. He ran over to us and swept me up in a hug right away. “How are you feeling, sweetheart?”

“I’m okay. Better,” I replied as I hugged him back, so grateful as always to have him and Eli in my life.

“Did you find anything?” Eli asked.

“No, but I called the attorney who handled mom’s estate when she died. Apparently, when mom left this place to us in her will, she hired a company to take care of it until we were old enough to take over. I have the access code to get in.”

“Access code?” Eli questioned.

“Mom had a ton of security put in about a year before she died. There are cameras, a security system and code access locks on the doors,” Asher explained.

“Mom? Why would she do that? She never thought about anything as trivial as security.”

“I don’t know. It does seem odd, but I’m glad to see the place is still standing and solid.”

“Maybe she wanted a safe place to run to, if she needed it,” I suggested. “Maybe she was thinking about leaving your father?”

“That would make sense actually. The attorney said when he read mom’s will, that our father seemed surprised to learn about this place. Maybe he didn’t even know she owned it? He certainly never came here with us,” Asher mused.

“I always wondered why she didn’t just leave him. Maybe she was trying to,” Eli added.

“Maybe,” Ash nodded. “I guess we’ll never know now.”

“How did she die?” I asked tentatively, I didn’t want to upset them, but something was bothering me.

“Suicide. She hung herself. Eli found her,” Asher told me sadly.

“I’m sorry,” I sighed as I turned to Eli and grabbed his hand in mine. We were silent for several moments, but I couldn’t hold back what I was thinking. “You don’t…” I hesitated. Asher and Eli had already been through so much. Bringing up what I feared, could only add to that.

“Spit it out, sweetie,” Eli encouraged.

“Well, I just…what if Joseph found out she was planning to leave? Do you think…would he…?”

Asher and Eli looked to each other over my head and I saw them both pale as realization hit them.

“Fuck. I never even thought, but I wouldn’t put it past the old bastard. He needed me to take over his empire. He couldn’t have mom taking us away,” Asher ground out and I saw how tense he had become.

“He’d never allow her to leave him, would he? It wouldn’t have looked good, his own wife fleeing in the night with his kids? Jesus, Ash! Did he…did he kill our mother?” Eli gasped.

“He was capable of it, we know that now,” Asher said.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make things worse, but I just…it makes sense, doesn’t it? I looked between my brothers as I spoke and took in the shell shocked looks on their faces.

“She didn’t leave us, Eli,” Asher spoke first, after several moments of silence. “He took her from us. She didn’t leave us.”

“She didn’t leave us,” Eli uttered as tears filled his eyes. I turned and wrapped my arms around his waist, holding him as tight as I could. Asher followed, wrapping himself around the both of us. We all remained there, clutching each other as we took in the conclusion we’d come to – that our father had very likely killed Asher and Eli’s mother.

Eventually we pulled apart, Eli and I both swiftly swiping tears from our eyes. I was happy that they could now believe that their mother never took her own life without thinking of them, but I was also so devastated to be giving them more world-crushing news about their parents and the possibility that their father was even more of a cold blooded murderer than they already knew..

“Christ.” Eli let out a huge breath. “I honestly don’t know how many more of these bombshells I can take.”

“I’ll have someone look into mom’s suicide so we can know for sure, but it makes sense. I always struggled with the fact mom did what she did that way, knowing one of us could walk in and find her. She wasn’t the best mom in the world, but she loved us and cared about us. She’d never have wanted either of us to see her like that,” Asher said.

“We need to know, Ash. Either way I have to know the truth,” Eli almost pleaded.

“I’ll get to the bottom of it,” Asher promised. “Come on. Let’s go inside and see how things look. We could stay here if it’s in a suitable condition, if that’s what you want, Addy?”

“You guys…don’t you have to get back?”

“All we have to do right now is be wherever you need to be. We’ve stood back for long enough and let you pretend to be okay. It’s not happening anymore, sweetheart. We’re here for you.”

“Just like we always will be,” Eli added. They both wrapped an arm around my back and we turned from the lake, heading up the wooden steps to the cabin together.

***

“That feels better,” I announced as I arrived at the bottom of the beautiful, wide, sweeping staircase. The inside of the cabin – if you could call it that – was beautiful. Most of the walls had been boarded and painted warm tones of cream and Autumn colors. One large wall against which sat the imposing real log fireplace, had been left in it’s rustic log style and it fit perfectly with the rest of the space. There was a living room filled with welcoming and homey looking furniture, a huge television and shelves filled with books. Beyond that was a dining area with a long table to seat six, and behind that was the vast kitchen, filled with hand made oak cabinets, shiny countertops, and modern appliances that had obviously been updated some time in the last few years.

Ash had told us that the company employed to upkeep the entire property had been paid in advance to maintain and update inside and outside as often as needed for a considerable number of years, by Ash and Eli’s mother – Claire. She had obviously wanted this place to remain a sanctuary for her boys and she had the means to always ensure it remained a secure and comfortable place that they could go to, whenever they needed to. I

Of course, they hadn’t even known the place had been left to them after they lost their mother. They didn’t even know it was still here, just waiting for them until that old, sick bastard had passed. Now it felt right that they got to be there, finally – in a home their mother always wanted them to have, and possibly a safe place she had planned to bring them herself.

Upstairs there were five large bedrooms, three of which had en-suite facilities, a huge master bathroom and a second lounge area that had the most stunning view over the lake.

I had excused myself to clean up as soon as we walked in, feeling Eli and Asher needed some time to process being back in that place, and to take in what their mother had done for them both.

An hour later, I arrived back downstairs, having taken a soak in the huge claw foot tub in my room, and changed into the warmer clothes Asher had picked up for me. Now I was away from the crushing weight of everything going on with the guys at home, and the memories that place now haunted me with, I felt better. As I had left the room upstairs clean and changed, I had been able to take the deepest breath I had gotten in, in weeks.

“Enjoy your soak, shortcake?” Eli asked as he looked up at me from where he sat on one of the plush cream sofas.

“I did. That tub is awesome. How are you doing?” I asked as I rounded the sofa and flopped down beside him.

“Good, actually,” he answered. “It’s good being back here. Even though the décor has changed, it still feels as peaceful and safe as it did when we came here as kids. We should have come sooner.”

“You’re here now. It really is the most amazing place.” I lifted my head and glanced out of the huge picture window that overlooked the lake. It was a view in a million and I felt honored to be there.

“It is. Is it helping you? Can you breathe yet?” he asked, referring to the melt down I had back at the house earlier.

“Yes. I think so, anyway. My head feels clearer than it has for some time,” I replied honestly. “Where’s Ash?”

“I’m in here, sweetheart,” Ash appeared from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a dishtowel. “Thought I’d make us something to eat. Are you hungry?”

“Not really.”

“You need to eat, Addy. You’ve lost too much weight these last few weeks,” Eli scolded gently.

I looked down at myself, knowing Eli was right. In just a few weeks I had lost almost all of the weight I had put on since escaping Hilton, and any clothing I pulled on just seemed to hang from me, but with my anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares and everything with Adam and Kane, I had been unable to settle my stomach long enough to eat more than the bare minimum required to keep me moving.

“I know,” I admitted with a stiff nod. “I just…my anxiety…it has my stomach in knots.”

“Have you spoken with your therapist about it? Told her you can’t eat?” Ash asked knowingly. He always seemed to know everything.

“Not exactly,” I hedged.

“Have you told her anything, Addy? I know you’ve been taking the video calls with her, but I haven’t heard much talking going on when I’ve passed?”

“I…I try, but…” I didn’t even know how to explain that there was just too much going on in my crazy mind to even know where to begin opening up with my therapist. She had started to help me before Eli and I were taken, but ever since, I had pretty much just shut down in a bid to protect myself.

I was terrified if I opened the floodgates and started talking through everything haunting my every thought, I’d never be able to stop and I’d fall apart for good. I looked up and met Asher’s eyes.

“I just…I need some time. I’m not ready to…to open those floodgates again,” I tried to explain.

“I understand, but you can’t go on like this. You’re slipping away from all of us, and I am not going to let that happen. We’re not,” Asher said as he looked to Eli, who nodded his agreement.

“Come on, let’s see if anything Ash made is actually edible,” Eli joked as he got to his feet and held out his hand. I took it and he pulled me up, then we headed through to the kitchen.

Asher had actually made a pretty good attempt at preparing us all a late lunch. He’d made sandwiches, heated up some tinned tomato soup, and laid out some pre-prepared fruit and cupcakes. Neither of them were complaining as they shoveled it all down anyway. I managed some soup and a chocolate cupcake, mainly in an attempt to redirect the worried glances both of my brothers were sending to me every few moments.

“Any idea what you want to do, sweetheart? We can stay here if you like, or I could arrange the jet to take us out of the country for a vacation if you’d prefer that. I want you to take the time and space you need,” Asher told me as we were finishing up at the dining table.

I looked straight ahead at the view from the sliding glass doors. They led out to the wraparound porch and below that was a huge deck with snow covered patio chairs, a grill, and a large table. Planters filled with evergreen plants marked each corner, and beyond a further small clearing were nothing but trees, leading into a dense woodland. I could see the lake off to the left, everything covered with the sparkle of ice or snow. It was beautiful and I was pretty sure I could happily spend the rest of my life there, given the chance. I was sure I could find some peace inside of myself there, hidden away from the world that terrified me, happy in the tranquility and solitude that seemed to surround me. Only I couldn’t. Something would be missing from that life. Three things actually.

“I’d love to stay here for tonight if we can,” I began. “But we’ll have to go back tomorrow. I have to face the guys. Kane is going to be pissed I left, and I don’t want him worrying about me. Jordan won’t even understand why I left.”

“And Adam?” Eli pushed.

“He won’t even notice I left,” I sighed. “Or maybe he will and he’ll be relieved.”

“Why would you think that?” Ash asked.

“I hardly think you need me to explain. Adam can barely even be in the same room with me since the kidnapping and his shooting. I think he’s been pretty clear that he’s done with me.”

“He’s not done with you, shortcake. He loves you. I have no idea why he’s avoiding you, but I have seen the way he watches over you and worries about you when he thinks you’re not looking,” Eli said as he reached out and covered my hand with his.

“Eli’s right. There is definitely something going on with Adam. He’s been avoiding me too. All of us, in fact. I don’t know why, but I can guess that he’s feeling guilt for not saving you and Eli the day you were taken, and he’s struggling to process it all. I’m worried about him, but I know he still loves you, Addy. I have never seen him as happy as he was being with you, before all of this happened.”

“It was my fault, not his. I was the reason those men came to your house. I was the reason he was shot and al…almost died,” I sniffled as tears filled my eyes.

“No, Addy. Don’t say that. Don’t even think it. None of what you have been through since the night you were taken from the side of the road, over two years ago, has been your fault. The only ones to blame for anything that has happened are the monsters who were a part of it, like Kline and our fucking father. No one blames you, sweetie, especially not Adam,” Eli tried to reassure me.

“Eli’s right again. He usually is,” Asher chuckled as he and Eli looked to one another with a smirk. “But right now I don’t want you to worry about Adam, Kane, or Jordan. They’re adults and they need to deal with their own shit. Right now I want you to…actually, we need you to focus on yourself. I know you care deeply for the guys, and they care about you too, but right now they are failing you. You’re having a hard time, and that’s to be expected, but they’re leaving you to handle it alone and it’s not working, is it?” Asher questioned as he focused his intense gaze on me.

More tears filled my eyes as I knew he was right, and I needed to admit it. I had tried so hard to be strong, or at least to hide it all from the people who had already spent way too much time worrying about me, and I had failed. I was losing the men I loved, and my brothers were clearly stressed and worried about me. Once again I felt like a failure as I shook my head in defeat.

“Not really,” I admitted. “I know it’s stupid, but being taken and seeing Bull again….Max threatening to h-hurt me and Eli…it seems to have made everything worse and I…I can’t stop the mess that’s trapped in my head. I’m trying, but the darkness…it f-feels like it’s winning this time.”

“It’s not winning, sweetheart.” Asher wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into his side for a half hug. “You would never allow that to happen, and nor would we. You’re strong enough to fight this darkness. You know that because you were holding it back before, weren’t you?”

“I guess…most of the time,” I uttered. Before Eli and I were taken I was beginning to learn to fight back the demons in my head and keep the darkness to a minimum. I didn’t always win, but I had been getting stronger and feeling better.

“You were, Addy. What happened, us being taken as we were, it was bound to bring everything right back up again. Add to that the fact you’re barely sleeping or eating, and the stress you have going on with the guys and their own messed up reaction to it all, and it’s no wonder you’re finding it hard to keep going. It amazes me how well you’re doing,” Eli told me as he squeezed the hand he held supportively.

“Can I tell you what I think we should do?” Asher requested and I looked up at him and nodded. I’d happily take his advice if it meant I didn’t have to make any more decisions right then. “I think we should order some groceries and stay here for a few days at least. You seem more relaxed and settled here, and I think it’s a good place for us all to just regroup. You can catch up on sleep without the stress of everything back home and we can just spend some time together. What do you think?”

“I think it sounds perfect, but the guys…” I argued.

“You let me deal with them. Maybe you being away will be the kick up the ass they need to get it together. Kane and Adam have been assholes to you, little dot. They’re the ones who need to make this right, not you.”

“I agree. You haven’t done anything wrong. They’re the ones who messed up,” Eli added.

“I love them,” I admitted.

“I’m sure they love you too, Addy, but it’s time they pull themselves together and prove it. If they can’t do that, then they don’t deserve you.” Asher sounded pissed as he said that, and I knew he was being protective, which was sweet.

“I should at least call them. Jordan hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s just been so busy with the center is all,” I sighed.

“Then call him, sweetheart. We’re not going to stop you from doing anything you need or want to do, but don’t let any of them pressure you into telling them where you are. You came here for some space. It’s okay to allow yourself to have that,” Asher advised and I knew he was right. Maybe I’d be happy to see Jordan, but I simply wasn’t ready to face Kane or Adam after everything. Not yet anyway.

“You’re right,” I nodded. “I want to call Jordan so he knows I’m not upset with him, and to explain why I left, but I…I do need space. I’ll tell him that too, and hopefully he’ll understand.”

“He will, Addy. He’ll just want you to be safe, which you are,” Eli assured me.

“Why don’t you go and call him now? I already added all the numbers to the new phone I picked up for you. Jordan’s number is in there. Put his mind at ease that you’re alright. We’ll clean up, and after maybe we can take a walk outside, or watch a movie?” Asher suggested.

“That sounds good,” I agreed.

“Take as long as you need. We’re here if you need us,” he told me as he released me from his hold and started gathering up plates.

“Thank you,” I began as I looked between my brothers. “for bringing me here, and for understanding me, even if I am crazy.”

“You’re not crazy, shortcake,” Eli told me with a gentle smile. “And you never have to thank us for being here for you. We’ll always do that for you, no matter what.”

“I’m always here for you guys too. I hope you know that?”

“We do sweetheart,” Asher replied with a smile ana look that told me he meant it.