Forever Found (Lost #3)

CHAPTER 14

ADDY

I gasp in pain - terror and agony the only emotions I can feel as I’m pinned to the bed by Hilton, his weight pressing me down. He has my hands held down so tightly that my attempts to fight him are rendered completely useless. He’s too strong. I can’t move, let alone struggle out from beneath him. The weight of his body is pinning my thighs down too, as he moves up and down on top of me, grunting in satisfaction as he tears me apart at my center, taking exactly what he wants from me and crushing my struggle with a sick satisfaction that is glaringly obvious in his cold eyes.

“Look at me!” he demands in that deep, terrifying voice. The pain has lessened my fight now - the agony as I’m ripped apart by his violent thrusts taking any fight I had remaining inside, from me completely. “I own you. Never forget that. I fucking own you!”

I look up through blurry tear filled eyes, but it’s no longer Hilton I see. A cold, wrinkled hand cups my cheek and I hear his voice.

“Don’t stop fighting, dear girl. You’re so cute when you get riled up.”

Max. He’s the one on top of me now – pinning me down. His eyes filled with glee as he grunts in satisfaction. “Now I have my own piece of the joy I saw on your father’s face when he was taking you that night,” he sneers, and I know the words are a reference to what Max said to me on the plane.

The realization that this can’t be real, that it has to be a nightmare, has me bucking my hips and fighting harder to get free. It’s not real , I keep telling myself. You have to wake up!

A hard slap to my face makes me stop and I can taste blood in my mouth as I glare up at the monster I had once trusted like the na?ve fool I have always been.

“Stupid girl!” he hisses angrily. “I told you what would happen if you didn’t behave, didn’t I? He turns to look to the right, and I follow, I see Eli laid on the floor, his face barely recognizable and blood pouring from cuts all over his body. His clothes are torn and he has obviously been beaten.

“No!” I cry as I fight to get any sound out of my rapidly tightening throat. “Eli!” At my second cry Eli groans and lifts his head, turning to me, his face so swollen he can hardly open his eyes. Blood is pouring down the side of his head and when he tries to talk, he can’t.

The sound of a click causes me to look up at Max with a knowing horror. I catch sight of the gun in his hand, pointed right at my brother’s head.

“NO!” I scream.

“This is all your fault, Addy,” Max laughs. “I told you what would happen if you didn’t behave for me. You’re the reason he has to die.”

The shot is deafening. I turn in time to see the bullet tear through Eli’s forehead, and instantly he slumps to the ground, his eye’s still looking up at me lifelessly.

“ELI!” I scream as my heart jolts, feeling as though it stops right along with his.

My own scream ripped me back to reality, and I sat up gasping for breath, covered with a sheen of sweat, and crying hard.

I looked around frantically, confused where I was for a moment, and filled with fear because of it, but the lamp beside the bed illuminated the room enough for me to see the gauzy curtains hanging at the window. That reminded me that I was at the cabin, with Asher and….

“Addy!” I looked up as Eli came hurtling through the door into my room, dressed in shorts and a t-shirt and looking sleep mussed. “I’m here. Shortcake. You’re okay. Everything’s alright,” he soothed as he landed on his knees on the bed beside me and instantly pulled me into his arms. I threw myself against him and gripped him with desperation, so relieved to see him alive after the horror of the terrifyingly real nightmare.

“Sorry,” I gasped breathlessly as I lay my forehead against his chest and accepted the comfort he was offering. I took deep breaths and just tried to calm everything down.

Eli just held me for a while allowing me the time I needed to come around and catch my breath. The nightmare had felt so real, even though I knew the things Max was saying were linked to the threats he made on the plane, when he abducted Eli and I. That meant it couldn’t be real, didn’t it?

The realization that I had no true way of knowing hurt and angered me in equal measure. Had Max hurt me too in the time I had been held by the traffickers, or Hilton? Just because I had embellished the nightmare, didn’t mean it’s foundations weren’t based in truth. Max certainly would have had the opportunity, as wrapped up in both the trafficking and sick parties as he was.

My stomach turned as I realized I would likely never get the answers that I needed. Whatever had happened to me in those two years that I was taken, was a convoluted mess of the memories I had recovered, things I had been told by the cops, and images of nightmares I couldn’t decipher as fact or fiction, made of the darkness within me.

Joseph was dead, not that I ever expected answers from that monster even if he weren’t. Max was in FBI custody and refusing to talk, pleading his innocence, and lawyering up, and the others that had been arrested were all doing much the same, or so Asher had been told.

It was highly likely I would never know for sure everything that had been done to me, and by whom in the years I was gone, and that fact ate away at me. The idea of living the entirety of the rest of my life with the threat of more soul crushing memories returning to me at any time, destroyed me. How could I learn to live that way?

“Addy, you need to try and breathe, sweetie. You’re gasping more now than when I came in here,” Eli prompted and he was right. I was freaking out again, my fingers and toes tingling with pins and needles as my anxiety took a grip on me.

I sat up releasing him, and tried to take a breath in, but all that came out was a sob. Things were so messed up. I knew now that it was so much harder to live with all I had been through when I had no way of ever knowing everything that had been done to me. If I could remember the whole thing, maybe I could deal with it and find a way forwards, but not knowing – having it all looming over me at every moment of every day – knowing I’d have to live with the threat of recalling past terrors hitting me like a MAC truck at any possible time. I wasn’t sure that was something I could ever live with.

Add to that the not knowing, and the wondering if every person I came into contact with could have been a part of my trauma, it was overwhelming and horrifying. I’d spend the rest of my life thinking every man I met could have been a customer who raped me at that damned club for the months I was there. Every time I met any one of any wealth, I’d wonder if they were ever at one of those sick, twisted sex parties I was dragged to. Every time I saw a cellar or an out building in someone’s home, I’d have to question if they had some hidden annex with a prisoner tied up down there.

“Just stay there. I’m going to get you some water,” Eli said as he rose from the bed and moved to the adjoining bathroom.

I didn’t even speak as I got to my feet and fled the room. I ran down the wooden staircase and straight for the front door. As I threw it open, cold air and heavy falling snow blasted at me, but I didn’t even slow down as I threw myself outside into the wild winter weather, slipping and stumbling down the steps.

As I stepped off of the last porch step and onto the driveway, I was almost up to my knees in snow. I faltered as I tried to run, falling to my ass, cushioned by the deep snow that had fallen in the last few days that we had been holed up there.

A scream ripped from me as I gave up, not even trying to get myself out of the snow that almost covered my entire body as I sat amongst it. I grabbed the sides if my head in my hands and I ripped at my hair as I screamed as loud as I could, all of my anger, confusion, and frustration needing an outlet before it blew me apart from the inside out. I was almost hoarse by the time Asher came barreling out of the door in only a pair of sweats, a gun held loosely in his hand.

I buried my face in my hands, knowing what a fuck up I was, and ashamed at the mess I knew my brothers were going to find me in once again.

“Addy!” I heard Eli yell, then they were both there, either side of me. I didn’t lift my head. I couldn’t. I knew all I would see on their faces was worry and stress, and knowing I put it there would only add to the turmoil inside of me.

What the hell had happened to me? I may never have been strong, but I kept myself together. I was alone, so I had to. I handled my own issues and I never crumbled when a challenge presented itself. Sure I may have handled everything as easily and peacefully as I could, always avoiding confrontation out of fear, but I wasn’t like this! I wasn’t falling apart at every single turn! I was sane, for Christ’s sake! Now I was losing my damned mind and even though I knew it, I couldn’t seem to stop it.

“Addy? I need to get you inside, sweetheart. It’s too cold out here. Can I pick you up?” Asher asked cautiously, and I felt his tentative touch on my quaking shoulder.

I missed my guys, I thought all at once. I loved my brothers and I knew I was safe with them, and loved by them. They had been amazing over the days we had been there on our impromptu vacation, but I missed my guys and in that moment, I needed them all. I needed to feel them hold me and hear them tell me I could get through this, because they were the only ones who could truly make me reach into the small reserve of strength I had left to keep going – or at east keep trying to.

“Addy? Shortcake? Can you hear us?” Eli asked when I didn’t reply or even move. It was the fear in his voice, so evident and clear, tearing at me deeply, that made me lower my hands and look to where I knew Asher was at my right side. I was crying hard and trembling violently, so all I managed was a nod, but it was all Asher needed as he scooped me up and hurried inside the house with me in his arms.

The sound of the door slamming closed a moment later had me jumping badly, and I pressed my face against Ash’s bare shoulder as more tears came – this time of embarrassment at what a disaster I knew I was. I had jumped at a damned door closing!

“Sshh, Addy. We’re here. Everything’s okay. We’re safe here,” Asher soothed.

“I’ll stoke the fire,” I heard Eli say, but I didn’t look up. Even if I wanted to, I wasn’t sure I had the energy.

“I’ll do it. Here, sit with Addy and hold onto her. We have to get her warm. She’s like a block of ice,” Asher said, then I was handed between them. My head rested on Eli’s shoulder instead, as he sat on the sofa and resettled me on his lap. He pulled me tighter to his body and held me securely. A blanket was wrapped around my shivering body, and minutes later I felt the heat from the roaring log fire, which Asher must have gotten going. Slowly I warmed and the sobs stopped, though that was more through exhaustion than me pulling myself together. I could hear the murmurs of my brothers talking every now and then, but I was so exhausted I drifted in and out, relieved every time I came around again, to find myself still clinging to Eli, and him making me feel secure.

I didn’t know how long had passed the next time I jolted awake, but I knew I’d been asleep for longer than before. I was no longer in Eli’s arms, the feel of the sofa beneath me, and a blanket keeping me warm. I opened my eyes and the blazing fire came into focus before me. I was laid on my side, my head resting on a warm thigh. I turned enough to look up, and allowed myself to breathe when I saw Asher looking down at me. He had a t-shirt on now, and my head lay on the soft cotton of his sweats.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he whispered as he smiled gently.

“Hey,” I croaked, my throat obviously a state from the screaming. “Where’s Eli?” I asked. Asher nodded behind me, and when I sat up just a little I saw him in one of the armchairs, passed out with a blanket over him.

“He finally dropped off about thirty minutes ago,” Ash told me. “How are you feeling?”

“Embarrassed,” I sighed as I forced myself to sit up. I set my feet on the floor and rested my elbows on my knees. I felt shaky and achy, but at least I wasn’t screaming or crying like a crazy person. “I’m sorry, Ash,” I added as I lowered my head into my hands and pushed my hands into my wild hair. “I shouldn’t have lost it like that.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, Addy, but I am really worried about you right now,” Ash said as he shuffled forward so he was right beside me. I pushed my hair out of my face and sat up, turning to look at him with all of my own fear undisguised and plain for him to see.

“So am I,” I admitted. Tears filled my eyes as it all hit me again – all of the mess in my head and the terrifying inability I had to even begin tackling any of it. I blinked furiously to stop them from falling though, refusing to cry again.

“We need to do something, don’t we? You can’t go on this way.”

“I was okay for a while,” I sighed brokenly. “Before Max. I wasn’t magically fixed, but I thought I had a handle on it all, you know. Now…I d-don’t have a handle on anything, Asher.”

“Tell me what you need, and we’ll make it happen. I spoke with your therapist yesterday and she mentioned to me about some facilities she thought might benefit you for a while. They call then trauma treatment centers, and they have in house counsellors, and this whole program that…”

“No,” I squeaked, cutting him off. “Please Asher. I know I’m a mess, but I can’t…please don’t s-send me away. I couldn’t….” The words I needed failed me as tears spilled down my cheeks and I desperately clutched at his arm, clinging to him so hard it likely hurt him. “Please…I’ll do better Asher. Please don’t send me…I can’t do that,” I whimpered, the last words barely coming out as more than a strained sound.

“Sshh. I would never send you away, little dot. I just wanted to give you the option. I’m trying to give you everything you need. All I want is for you to feel safe and loved so you can find your feet again, but I’m failing you, and it’s killing me.”

“I need to be with you and Eli,” I panted. I…I need you both. I can’t be…..be away….I can’t!”

“Then you’re going nowhere. Breathe for me now. I would never send you anywhere against your will, Addy. Whatever happens, you will have control. I swear I will never allow anyone to take your free will away from you ever again,” he promised as he pulled me into his side and sat back on the sofa, pulling me against him and holding me.

For a while we just sat in silence. I managed to calm my emotions and breathe more calmly, Asher keeping his arm around me and allowing me the time I needed.

“I just…” I began when I felt calm enough. “I just wish things could go back to normal…like they were before, I mean. Before Max took Eli and I. Before Adam got shot and our home was ruined. I was doing better then, wasn’t I?”

“You seemed happy with the center to focus on, and Adam, Kane, and Jordan making you smile all of the time, but it’s okay that you’re not okay now, Addy. A fucking psycho kidnapped you, and you went through a lot with Eli. It brought everything back for you, and that’s to be expected. It hasn’t helped the way Adam and Kane have been with you, and I know Eli and I weren’t there for you like we should have been either. We all failed you when you needed us most, and I’m sorrier than I can say for that.”

“You and Eli have never failed me once, Asher. Since the second you came into my life, all you’ve done is make me feel protected and cared for. I thank whatever powers will listen, every single day, for bringing you both into my life,” I told him firmly. I would never allow either of them to believe they had done anything but hold me up since I met them.

“Please, sweetheart, just tell me what I can do to make things better for you. Do you want to go home?” he asked, sounding pained.

“No,” I shook my head. “Not yet. I…I can’t go there right now. I tried, but it….it doesn’t feel safe like it did before. All I see in the kitchen is Bull attacking me. In the living room, I see Eli laid unconscious, blood pooling around him, and the front step…..God, I can’t even step on that step,” I confessed. “It’s going to take time for me to get rid of those images.”

“Well, that’s something I can fix. I’ll call the architect that I worked with last time, in the morning,” he declared with relief, like he could finally breathe again.

“What do you mean?”

“We’ll knock the house down and build a new one. Are you happy to stay in the same location, or would you like to start over completely?” he asked way too easily.

“Ash, don’t be insane. You can’t knock the house down and build another just because I’m messed up,” I groaned as it sank in that he was deadly serious.

“It’s not just you. We all saw Adam bleeding out on that step. It must haunt Adam too, having to pass the spot he almost bled to death each day. Eli isn’t comfortable there either, and I’d feel much happier of we could rebuild something more secure. It’s a good idea, and I’m going to get the ball moving first thing. What else can we do? Do you feel up to sessions with your therapist again?” he asked, dismissing the subject of him destroying one enormous house, just to build another.

“No,” I groaned. “But I know I need to. What happened tonight…I can’t go on this way. Something has to change, and I have to be the one to change it. I think Laura’s the only one who can help me do that.”

“I can schedule online sessions again, or we could have her come to you if you need face to face sessions?” he offered. “I know how hard it is to talk to a virtual stranger, Addy, but she was helping you before, and I know personally, that therapy can be affective in the end,” he added.

“You saw a therapist?”

“A counsellor,” he nodded. “I was a mess after I got out of the military. I had to hide the sessions from my father. He’d have told me it made me weak to seek out help as I was, but he was wrong. That counsellor is the only reason I got to where I am right now. He helped me to find ways to cope with the PTSD I was suffering pretty badly with, and he got me back on my feet when I wasn’t sure I had the strength left to actually do it.”

“Thank heavens for him then, whoever he is, because we need you Asher. We all need you. Who knows where we’d be now without you holding everything together?”

“We need you too, and that’s why you have to fight through what’s hurting you. We need you to stick around for a long time to come,” he told me as he ran his hand down over my frizzy curls. I wasn’t so sure they needed me the way Ash said, but I was sure I had no intention of leaving them all any time soon.

“Video sessions,” I said on a deep exhale. “It might take me some time to open up with her again, but I promise I’ll try.”

“Good,” he nodded again. “I need you to promise me something.”

“What?”

“I have no idea what’s going on between you and your men, but until it’s resolved, I need you to promise me that you’ll come to Eli or I when you’re struggling. Adam and Kane have their heads stuck up their asses right now, and as much as I hate to say it, I can’t trust them to be there for you right now. Jordan is busy getting the center running, and again, I worry he won’t be around when you need someone. I can’t let you down again, so I need you to promise you’ll come to Eli and I when you’re having hard times, okay? Just for now? We need to be there for you, sweetheart. Neither of us can stand to think of you being alone when things get dark.”

“Okay,” I agreed easily. He wasn’t wrong about the guys. I had no idea where I even stood with Adam and Kane, since I hadn’t spoken with either of them since we fled the house four days ago. Jordan was still with me, and we had spoken via video call every night since I left, but he was also busy, and far away from us while I was there in the middle of nowhere. I couldn’t count on any of them when I needed someone, and as much as I hated to admit it, I needed someone with me a lot just lately. Ever since we were taken, I was struggling to be alone if I were honest.

“Thank you,” Ash whispered with relief. He leaned in to kiss the top of my head and I sighed as a small measure of peace settled over me. That knowledge, that, no matter what, I would never lose Ash and Eli, washed over me, and made me feel safer. “Any idea what’s going on with your relationship?” he asked carefully.

“No. Jordan says he loves me and is all in, no matter what happens, but I haven’t spoken to Adam or Kane, and Jordan said they’re sulking right now. I miss them all, but I just can’t face dealing with the drama of Kane and Adam at the same time. I’m tired, Ash, tired to my core, and I can’t face their anger or any arguments right now,” I admitted.

“You don’t have to see any of them until you’re ready. I’ll make sure of that,” he soothed. “If you want to go home, then I will ask them to move out and find some place else to stay for now.”

“No. I don’t want that. To be honest, I’m not ready to go back to the house either right now,” I countered. “I’m happy here for now, Ash. It’s peaceful and I like spending time with the both of you.”

“Jordan could come here too, if you’re missing him? I’d talk to him, make sure he knows neither Adam or Kane are to know where we are,” he offered and I perked up a little.

“I do miss him, but he has so much going on back home. He said he’d come if I asked him to, but he only has a few weeks until the grand opening of the center,” I explained, reminding myself also why I couldn’t selfishly bring Jordan to where I wanted him most – with me.

“Let me talk to him. Maybe he could come for the weekend at least?” Asher suggested.

“I do miss him a lot,” I confessed. I missed them all, but I wasn’t strong enough to face Kane or Adam, especially when they clearly weren’t quite so eager to see and speak to me.

“I’ll talk to him in the morning. I’m going to work on finding us somewhere else to live too. If the house is being demolished, there’s little point us returning there.”

“Asher, you really don’t have to do any of that. I’ll get over my issues in time. You and Eli love that house,” I pleaded.

“We did. It was our escape from the miserable world we were raised in, but we’ve lived there a long time now, and so much has happened there. Maybe it’s time we all had a fresh start,” he explained. “I don’t want you worrying about it, okay? I’ll handle it all. I’m excited about it, Addy, and I think Eli will be too,” he promised as he kissed the top of my head again. “Everything will work out, sweetheart. I’ll make fucking sure of it, for all of us,” he added determinedly, and I didn’t argue, since he looked more at peace at the prospect of a project to focus on, than he had looked for weeks and weeks. It was a relief to see him centered and calmer, and I would never take any of that from him. Now I just needed to find some for myself too.