CHAPTER 16
ADDY
“Did Jordan say what time he’d arrive?” I asked Asher, unable to hold back the question any longer. Asher had told me at breakfast that Jordan was coming to the cabin for the weekend and I had been delighted to hear it after the nightmare of what I’d done the night before.
I’d had my first online session back with my therapist, Laura, that morning. I still had no idea how Asher had convinced her to fit me in, but she had, and I’d tried to speak honestly with her, mindful not only of the promise I’d made to my brother to try, but also of the very clear fact something with me needed to change before I truly did break beyond repair.
I’d told her about the nightmare and my thoughts following it. I’d told her about me winding up in the snow, screaming my heart out just to try and release some of the pain and fear within me. We’d talked it all through and she’d gone over the breathing techniques she’d already taught me before everything with Max. She once against suggested some medication, at least to help me sleep, and I had very easily turned that down. I had spent enough time, from what I’d recalled of my kidnapping and captivity, drugged. I refused to take anything I didn’t need to ever again. I had a hard enough time taking my medications for my heart issues.
“He said he’d set off for work as usual, so Kane and Adam wouldn’t suspect anything, then head right up here,” Ash replied as he continued taking the rinsed dishes from Eli and stacking them in the dishwasher. It was after lunch and Eli had made the most delicious macaroni cheese, which I had eaten way more of than I had thought I could. I felt lighter after my session with Laura and knowing that Jordan would arrive soon, even if I was still exhausted from the events of the previous night.
“Kane is going to be really mad when he finds out I told Jordan where we are,” I worried as I leant back against the kitchen counter and folded my arms. I felt so much guilt inside for allowing Jordan to come, but not even talking to Kane and Adam, but the simple truth was, I didn’t even know if they really wanted to speak with me any longer. It had been almost a week that I had been away from home now, and the texts and calls from Kane had stopped a few days before. Adam had never even tried to contact me. I had no idea where I stood with them, and no strength to try and fix any of it. All I really knew was that I missed them all, and I just wanted everything to go back to the way it had been before Max took Eli and I.
“You let me deal with Kane and Adam,” Asher replied, and I looked up at him with confusion. “When Jordan gets here I’m going to head back home. I have some things I need to take care of, and I want to talk with Kane and Adam.”
“Asher…” I began to protest, but he held his hand up as he rose to his full height from where he’d been bent into the dishwasher.
“You don’t need to look so horrified, little dot,” he chuckled as he wiped his hands and came closer to me, leaning over the counter opposite where I stood so we were eye level. “I told them when you announced this relationship that I would never allow them to hurt you, and they are, so I have every right to confront them.”
“You can’t hurt them, Asher. It’s not their fault if they don’t want to be with me anymore, and I certainly don’t want you forcing them into anything they don’t want,” I argued.
“I won’t be forcing them into anything, but someone needs to talk to them, Addy. I won’t allow them to keep messing you around the way they have been. Either they clearly tell you things are over, or they sort themselves the fuck out and beg for your forgiveness. You haven’t done anything wrong, sweetheart. They pushed you to the point where you couldn’t be in your own home with them. They don’t have the right to be angry with you about a single damned thing,” he told me flatly.
“He’s right, Addy. All three of those guys let you down when you most needed them. Thankfully, Jordan has realized and is trying to make it right. It’s time the others did too if they ever hope to prove themselves worthy of our baby sister,” Eli added.
I thought about what they’d both said and I couldn’t completely agree that none of what had happened was on me. I hadn’t spoken up when I should have – when I needed them to be there and they weren’t. I hadn’t tried to talk rationally with Kane about his over bearing protective behavior, or confront Adam about the fact he had been avoiding me. Instead I had run away from them and refused to speak with them, which in hindsight seemed childish and weak.
But they had let me down too, and I did need to know what was going to happen next. The idea that neither of them wanted me any longer made me feel physically sick inside, but it was better for me to know now, either way. I was already in love with them all – Kane, Adam, and Jordan. They all had a piece of my heart that would always belong to them whether they wanted it or not. Losing any of them would hurt me in a way I would never truly recover from, but I was already half way resigned to that being the case, so I may as well just rip off the band aid and know now.
“You can’t hurt them, Asher. They haven’t done anything wrong really. We’ve all been through so much, and none of us have handled it very well,” I sighed.
“That we can agree on,” Eli sighed as he wiped dry his hands and appeared beside Asher against the counter.
“I do need answers though. I hope we can all find our way through this because…well because I love them,” I admitted. “But if they don’t want that anymore…don’t want me, then that’s their decision to make, and I’ll find a way to get over it if it comes to that, but I do need to know either way.”
“You’ll know. They won’t get away with giving me any bullshit, Addy. I’ll find out what the fuck is going on with them both, either way. I promise,” Asher said.
“It should be me talking to them,” I sighed. I knew how weak it made me to be sending my big brother to handle my problems. I should be braver than that, but I wasn’t. I was exhausted and confused and barely clinging to my sanity right then. If I didn’t have the feelings I had for my three guys, I’d just walk away from them all. It would be so much easier not to be handling these relationship issues on top of everything else.
“Just let Ash talk to them first. If they want to make things work, then at least you’ll know, and you can make steps to start repairing things when you feel ready,” Eli suggested.
“And if they don’t?” I asked shakily.
“Then you’ll know that too, and you can decide how to move forwards with Jordan,” Asher answered.
“There’s no use in worrying until you have something to worry about, shortcake. Jordan’s on his way. Be happy about that and we’ll handle what comes next, when it comes,” Eli added. He’d moved around the counter so he now stood at my side, wrapping his arm around my shoulders comfortingly. “No matter what happens, you will always have Ash and I. You’ll never be alone again, okay? We’re not going anywhere.”
“Okay,” I squeaked as I swiped tears from my cheeks. Eli pulled me into his side and held me as Asher sent me a soothing smile.
“Good.” Asher nodded once, then stood, facing Eli and I. “I need to go and pack a bag. When Jord gets here I’ll take his Jeep and leave you all with the big SUV. You’ll need it if the snow gets any worse.”
“We’ll be fine, Ash. I can order groceries from town if we need them, and there’s at least a year’s worth of logs in the outbuilding round back, not that we need them with the fancy heating system mom put in,” Eli reminded Asher.
“She really set this place up for us, didn’t she?” Asher mused as a small smile crossed his face.
“She did. I really think she planned to bring you both here, away from Joseph,” I replied. “Even if she struggled to show it sometimes, I think she must have loved you both very much.”
I turned and looked at the long sideboard that ran along the back wall beside the large dining table and smiled at the framed photos there. They had been placed carefully, each of them images of Eli and Asher when they were kids, most taken at the lake or in the cabin we now stood in. In every one of them my brothers were smiling and looked happy and carefree. Every time I had looked at them I got the feeling that those were the only images Asher and Eli’s mom had of them looking like the kids they should always have been allowed to be. That had to be why she had chosen them to be in that cabin – in her one sanctuary from the miserable life with her tyrant of a husband.
“Yeah, I think she did,” Eli agreed quietly.
“She did,” Asher nodded. “I think she was just too afraid of our father, and too busy trying not to drown in the misery he surrounded her with, to show us that love too often.”
“This place is a part of her love for the both of you. She created this sanctuary for the two of you, knowing one day she’d either get you out, or you’d get out yourselves. She wanted you to have somewhere safe and filled with light to come to when that happened. That’s why she worked so hard to make sure the place would be so well kept up for as many years as it would take for you to find it.”
“I think you’re right, sweetheart,” Asher told me. “And now here we are, in our sanctuary, right when we needed it the most.”
I looked around the place again, this time imagining what things would have been like for my brothers if their mother -Claire - had been able to get them away from Joseph when they were still kids. I could picture them all finding some peace and happiness there. Maybe without Joseph casting his dark shadow of horror and misery over her, Claire would have found a way to be happy too, and to be the mom Asher and Eli deserved.
She had created a home for them all – a place of safety and solace she had never gotten to experience herself. Joseph had very likely ended her life before she could escape. I had never known her, and never would, but a part of me felt a kinship with her after everything I had experienced myself. Married to Joseph at such a young age, she never stood a chance of the life she deserved. Now I just hoped she felt peace knowing her boys were both free of the control and power of Joseph Lyle, and living the life I felt sure she would have wanted them to live.
“She’s not buried with your father is she?” I gasped as the thought occurred to me.
“No. Our mom left instructions with her will. She wanted to be cremated and for her ashes to be spread in the ocean, in the small coastal town she grew up in, in California. Our father had to do it in order to get his hands on the money she left him. It wasn’t much. Our mother left most of her family money to Eli and I, tying it up with our trust funds until we were twenty-one, but our father still wanted to get his hands on every cent he could. So we went to California and our father allowed Eli and I to spread the ashes into the sea.”
“It was probably the only kind thing he ever gave us,” Eli added.
“Yeah, it was, and only because he felt the task was beneath him. Never liked to get his hands dirty, or at least so I thought,” Asher hissed.
“At least your mom is at peace now. And we’re all free of Joseph and all of the horror he left behind. You guys can move forward, just the way I’m sure your mom would have wanted for you.”
“You’re right, Addy. It’s time we all left the past where it belongs and looked to the future.” Eli held me even tighter as he spoke, pulling me into his side again and laying a kiss on top of my head.
“Speaking of, I’m meeting the architect at our place tomorrow morning to talk about the new house. I can’t wait to get started,” Asher said, changing the topic. I looked up and smiled to him with a shake of my head.
“You’re crazy,” I laughed. “You can’t just knock down a perfectly beautiful house to build a new one because I freaked out!”
“I can and I am,” Asher countered with a wink.
“I think he should. It’s hard to feel safe there after what happened, plus it can’t be good for Adam living in the home he almost bled to death outside of,” Eli told me.
“There’s a ton of new security features we can include in the new build nowadays too. The new house will be safer than Fort Knox when I’m done with it.”
“Like I said – crazy!” I laughed again. Pulling myself from Eli’s hold and rounding the counter to go to Asher. “But I’m not going to argue anymore, since your face lights up every time you talk about this new project. It’s really nice to see,” I added as I reached on tip toes and kissed Asher’s cheek.
“It’s a new focus, and I needed that,” he told me as he caught my hand in his and gave it a squeeze. “We all need a fresh start and I think a shiny new home will be a good start.”
“I agree, as long as I get a studio in this super new cyber home,” Eli chuckled. “And my pool needs to stay. I miss swimming. Running sucks.” I laughed as Eli mock pouted. He’d taken to jogging in the mornings, since we had no pool for him to use at the cabin, but with the snow and the bitter cold, he seemed to truly hate it.
“I told you, if you hate running then don’t do it!” I pointed out.
“ I have to have some way to burn off some energy, otherwise I’d be driving you both crazy by now,” Eli sighed.
“I’ll look into some options for us to lease while our place is being rebuilt, and I’ll look for pool access, even if we can’t have our own,” Asher assured Eli.
“Just buy him a treadmill,” I joked and Eli sent me a scowl, making me laugh more.
“What about you Addy? Anything you need or want in the lease place, or in our new home?” Asher offered.
“The gardens were my favorite thing. I already had everything I needed in your place,” I explained. “As for the lease place, maybe not anywhere in the city? I don’t know if I’d cope well with so much bustle around us every day.”
“I second that. I can’t paint a thing with all the noise of the city in the background,” Eli agreed.
“Okay,” Ash nodded. “Out of the city. Check,” he mimed making a big tick in the air and I loved to see him looking a little playful and so much more at ease. This was what he needed. It was what we all needed. Just the space and ability to breathe and see something other than the nightmare the last few months had been.
“Why don’t you head up and pack what you need, brother? Addy and I can find something to keep us busy until Jordan get’s here, I’m sure,” Eli suggested and Asher nodded. He gave my hand one last squeeze before he turned and headed for the stairs.
“Don’t worry about the new house. The money will be worth every cent if it makes Asher that happy to have something to concentrate on,” Eli told me as he headed into the kitchen, passing me as he went.
“He does seem excited about it,” I agreed.
“He is. Now, what shall we do? How are your baking skills?” he asked.
“Pretty nonexistent. I lived alone. There’s never any use in baking for one person.”
“I suppose not,” he shrugged. “I suppose it was a wise decision to buy the box cake mix then,” he added as he opened the cabinet beside him and pulled out a box of mix with a decadent looking chocolate cake on the front.
“Chocolate!” I cried happily. “You know me so well. Let’s do this!” I grabbed the box from his hand and read the instructions, calling out to Eli everything we would need, eager to make and eat the perfect looking creation on the image. All of my anxiety and darkness receded from my mind as a child like excitement filled me inside. I’d never baked as a kid, so maybe that was why, but truly I didn’t care why. It just felt good to feel happiness again.
***
“Eli, quick!” I cried happily. “It’s sliding right off the side.”
“What can I do?” Eli laughed while also looking alarmed that he may not be able to save the cake we had now been working on for two hours.
The baking had gone alright. Sure, the mixer Eli found in one of the cabinets had sent up a cloud of chocolate powder into the air every time we turned it on, and we’d used so many bowls and utensils the kitchen resembled a chocolate covered warzone, but the cake had come out of the oven looking like a cake, even though it was kind of wonky and slightly too brown on top. Now we were trying to make it look pretty with the pre made tub of chocolate frosting and colorful sprinkles Eli had also ordered with our groceries.
“Catch it and slide it back on top!” I told him, but I was laughing so hard the words barely came out between my gasps to breathe. The whole thing was not turning out like anything I’d seen on cooking shows on television, but Eli and I were having a ton of fun making a huge mess.
“I’m pretty sure you can’t frost a cake until it cools down. That’s why it’s all just melting and sliding off,” Asher told us from where he sat across the counter with his laptop open. He was smiling widely as he watched Eli and I cause chaos.
“And you tell us this now?” I turned a glare on him, but it was useless. I was smiling too much to maintain it.
“Just throw on some sprinkles and we’ll get it into the refrigerator as fast as we can,” Eli suggested as he grabbed the sprinkles and flipped off the top. He tipped a ton of them into my hand and we both started throwing them at our melting cake frantically. I was laughing so much my eyes were filled with tears and I couldn’t even tell if I was hitting the cake at all.
“We don’t actually have to eat that, do we?” Asher chuckled.
“What’s not to like? Chocolate and sprinkles? I’ll take a slice right now.” I looked up at the sound of that deep, joyful voice and gasped when I found Jordan stood behind Asher, smiling directly at me.
“Jordan!” I cried happily. “How did you get in?” The cabin was very secure and Asher had been almost obsessive about making sure everything was locked up repeatedly, so we were safe.
“I gave him the access code so he could come right on in,” Ash explained.
“Do I get a hug?” Jordan asked, his eyes remaining locked on mine as he opened his arms in invitation.
“I’m covered in chocolate,” I pointed out as I held up my hands which were literally brown with chocolate and now covered in sprinkles too. My clothes were a mess of the chocolate powder from the cake mix and smeared with frosting and I was sure there was some in both my hair and on my face.
“Even better,” he said with a grin. “Get over here, princess. Please. I’ve missed you so much.”
I nodded and started moving faster and faster until I was finally wrapped up tightly in his arms, burying my face into his soft sweater and breathing in his spicy cologne that felt so familiar and smelled amazing. I wrapped my arms around him but tried to keep my filthy hands held up so I didn’t completely ruin the sweater he wore.
“I missed you too,” I told him tearfully. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me too. Thank you for forgiving me…for letting me be here.”
“There was nothing to forgive, dummy!” I scolded playfully as I pulled back and swiped at my tears with my forearm. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I did, and I’m so fucking sorry for it. I promise I will never let you down like that again, Addy. I love you.”
“I love you too, Jordan,” I returned emotionally as I pushed my body against his again and reached up on my tiptoes to kiss him. It was just a chaste peck, conscious of the fact my brothers were in the room, and also because I couldn’t hold on to him the way I wanted to in the state I was, but it was enough for that moment. It was what I had needed for days now.
“Why don’t you show Jordan to one of the guest rooms and get cleaned up, shortcake. Ash and I can take care of the kitchen,” Eli spoke up as I pulled away from Jordan, reluctantly.
“I should help clean up. It’s a disaster in here,” I sniffled as I looked around at the carnage we’d created.
“Go and get cleaned up, babe. I’ll help in here, then I’ll grab the bags from my car. I brought you all clothes and anything else I could think of.” Jordan offered as he leaned in to kiss me once more, then tapped my ass to get me moving.
“Please tell me you picked up my laptop? I bought a new one, but it’s a piece of crap,” Asher groaned.
“I did. I also grabbed any art supplies I could fit in for you, bro,” Jordan replied as he nodded to Eli.
“I knew there was a reason I kept you around all these years,” Eli teased from where he was trying to cram our melted cake into the over filled refrigerator. Eli had gone way overboard when he ordered groceries the day before.
“Screw you. Like you could ever get a better best bud than me!” Jordan threw back jokingly.
I left them to banter between them as I hurried upstairs, being careful not to touch anything as I went. A part of me deep inside settled at having Jordan close, and at the sound of the three of them laughing and joking, just as they all had before everything happened with Max. It was a piece of the normal I had found before that I desperately needed back.