CHAPTER 23
ADDY
“Home, sweet home,” Eli announced loudly, rousing me from where I was dozing in Adam’s lap. We hadn’t stopped again over the last few hours, which I was glad about, since leaving the car and the safety of Jordan’s arms earlier had been overwhelming for me, as messed up as I was.
I knew Adam had to be stiff and sore, since he had refused to let me go for the last several hours, but I had been relieved to be sat against him as I had. As messed up as my thoughts were – jumbled and going to some very dark places – my mind was also eased to know Adam still loved me and wanted to be with me. I’d felt safe and settled sleeping against him and I was actually a little disappointed to be home, knowing I’d have to leave that safety.
“We’re here, baby,” Adam told me gently as he leaned down and kissed the top of my head. I opened my eyes and looked up at him, unable to stop my lips from tipping up in a smile when I saw how relaxed and at ease he looked as he watched me.
“Now you get to do the pins and needles walk,” Jordan chuckled as he unfastened his seatbelt from where he sat right beside us.
I looked up at the house as everyone started to get out of the huge rental car, which Kane had leased from somewhere. It looked just the way we left it, even the snow still covering the drive before it. My eyes automatically moved to the step where Adam had been shot and tears filled my eyes as I looked to him once again.
“Looking forwards, remember?” he told me, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking.
“I’m not sure I’ll ever forget you lying there,” I rasped through my tight throat.
“I’m right here, Addy. I came through it and so did you. Forget me lying there and feel me holding you as we walk back into our home together.” I took a deep breath as his words sank in. He was right. He survived that bullet. I needed to try not to allow the darkness to drag me back, and instead try to look to now and the future. Yeah right. Like the future is going to be any brighter. I flinched as the dark thought invaded my calmness. I reached up to wrap my arms around Adam’s shoulders, plastering myself against his front once again. I truly was losing control of my mind and it terrified me.
“Let’s get inside, okay? I’ll run you a hot bath and you can take a soak before you get some real sleep.” Adam was talking in the way you might to a frightened child, or a wounded animal. It made me want to reassure him he didn’t need to – to tell him I was alright – but that would all have been a huge lie.
“W-will you stay with me?” I asked with a croak to my voice. “And Jord too? Please…I d-don’t want to be alone.” I lifted my head enough to look into his deep, dark eyes as I fought not to sob.
“We’ll both be with you, baby girl. Whatever you need,” Adam agreed easily. The back door opened and Kane bent enough to meet my eyes as I turned to him.
“Kane,” I squeaked as I seemed to magnetically reach a shaky hand out for him. I knew I should be grateful to have Jordan and that Adam as back too. But Kane meant just as much to me, and I needed him too. If that made me selfish or greedy, I didn’t even care right then. My heart was in three pieces – one for each of these men, and I needed them like I needed air to breathe. Especially in the midst of the breakdown I found myself in.
“I’m here, angel,” Kane gasped as he dropped to his haunches and leaned into the car. “Tell me what you need and I’ll get it. Anything,” he almost pleaded.
“You,” I admitted. “All of you,” I added as I glanced up to Adam again. “It’s b-bad this time Kane. I…I don’t feel like I c-can find my way out this time,” I whimpered.
“Yes you can. Adam, Jordan, and I are not going to let you go, you hear me? That darkness is never going to take you from us.”
“Fuck no, it’s not,” Adam agreed.
“I’m s-so s-sorry Kane. I…I shouldn’t have run away. I should have…have spoken to you. I don’t want to lose you,” I whimpered, my words garbled between my sobs.
“Hey!” Kane snapped as he grabbed my chin and lifted my head until I was looking into those captivating eyes. “You have never and will never lose me. I was the asshole, and I will make it up to you, but right now all you need to know is that I’m here and I fucking love you, Addy. I love you so fucking much.”
“I love you.” I uttered as I smiled shakily.
“Let’s get her inside. Grab Jordan. We’re all going up to her room and staying with her,” Adam directed and Kane nodded. He leaned in and kissed the center of my forehead, before he stood and disappeared as fast as he’d arrived.
“I…I’ve made such a mess of everything,” I whispered, more to myself than anyone else. I had never felt like such a failure in my whole life as I did in that moment. I had Adam and Kane back. They loved me, just like Jordan did, and I loved all of them too, so very much. I loved my brothers too. They were all of the real family I had ever know and they meant more to me than I would ever be able to tell them.
But my head was a wreck and my body was giving up on me. It felt like it was too late for me. I’d been obliterated again and again – first by the men who took me, then the men who used me, bought me, and hurt me, then by the devastating repercussions that rattled through my head from it all, again and again, day and night, when I slept and while I was awake.
It never stopped and there was no end to it. My guys love, my brothers devotion, the hope, and happiness they had all given me in the last months – it should all be enough to get me through , but it was too late. I was sure of it. I wasn’t strong enough to hold on, and if I couldn’t hold on, how could any of them ever save me?
Adam was limping as he climbed from the car with me in his arms, but he barely showed it as he carried me right past that step that haunted my nightmares and inside our toasty warm home. I had been so happy there for a while, before Max took me and Eli. Before everything fell apart.
Images of Max from my nightmare flashed through my mind and I wrapped myself even tighter around Adam. The ghost like sensation of Max pushing his fingers violently inside of me haunted me in a way that felt so terrifyingly real.
“Addy? What happened, honey?” Adam asked as he readjusted me in his arms and allowed me to cling to him like a frightened kid.
“Tell us what you need, sweetheart, please,” Asher pleaded. “Do you want me to try and get Laura on a call? You could talk things through with her. Maybe she could help?”
“She’s exhausted, Ash. I don’t think anyone can get much out of her right now,” Jordan spoke up. “Let us take care of her for now. We can talk properly in the morning about what she needs.”
“He’s right, Ash,” Eli agreed. “She’s been more settled with Jordan and Adam. Let them be with her tonight.”
“Do you have your sleeping pills? I think she’d benefit from a peaceful, deep sleep tonight,” Kane spoke up next and I jolted a little at the idea of taking anything that would knock me out, terrified I’d be trapped in my nightmares and unable to wake myself up.
“It’s okay, baby. We’ll discuss it, but I think it might be a good idea for tonight. You’re so tired,” Adam told me.
“Yeah, I’ll get them, but she has to fully agree to taking them. I don’t want you forcing her. She doesn’t like drugs,” Asher almost growled, ever my faithful protector.
“Of course. We’d never force her to do anything. You know that, man,” Jordan told him firmly.
“I’ll make some food and bring it up with drinks and snacks. We all need to eat something other than junk,” Eli offered. I slammed my eyes closed and allowed myself to zone out to whatever else was said. They were right that I was exhausted, but it was so much more than that and I just couldn’t take anything else. I was just done. Done with the horror. Done with the cops and trying to make things right. Done with the not knowing and confusion. Done with absolutely everything. No more fighting. No more trying. All I wanted was the comfort of the men I loved around me as I finally let go of everything I had been fighting to hold on to and balance, for way too fucking long.
JORDAN
Addy had checked out on us all. It wasn’t the first time she had done it, but that didn’t make it any less terrifying. Ash and Eli had been freaking out when she wouldn’t respond to them when they tried to wish her a good night. I’d needed to persuade them we had her, as Adam carried her off upstairs away from all of the panic coming from her brothers. Kane was right behind them too, seeming terrified to be away from Addy for even a moment. I was too, but someone had to reassure her brothers. I knew Ash and Eli had seen her check out at the cabin once, but I doubted she’d been in the state she was right then.
It was hard not to freak out myself if I were honest. I knew she’d always come back to us when she’d zoned out before, but this time it felt different. She had been falling apart for hours and she was so filled with fear, terrified to let any of us go for even a second once she was clinging to us. I had no idea what her nightmare had been about as we set off on the drive home, but it had been bad – that much was obvious. Add that to the news she needed to testify in court against one of the monsters who tried to destroy her, and the new threat that had brought, and she was a mess. Who could blame her? With all of these threats against the woman I loved, I was a fucking mess too!
I just thanked anyone that was listening on high, for making Kane and Adam pull themselves together. I needed them as much as Addy did. If they weren’t there I’d have done everything she needed or asked for to take care of her, but I wasn’t enough. I didn’t understand what she was suffering enough, and I couldn’t give her the dominance she sometimes needed when things got this bad. That was what Kane and Adam brought, along with so much more, and Addy needed all of us. I wasn’t jealous. It had been nice to have her to myself for a while, sure, but I felt so much better about my ability to be there for Addy with Kane and Adam in it with me equally. I never wanted to fail her again, and together I felt sure we wouldn’t.
“Addy, look at me now, angel,” Kane was saying as I slipped into Addy’s room, closing the door behind me.
Adam was sat on the end of the bed with Addy in his lap sideways. She was curled into him, her head resting against his shoulder.
Kane was sat beside them, bent down, studying her as he spoke. Adam glanced up to me and I saw the worry on his face.
“Let Jordan try. He’s been a lot closer to her than us for a while now. Maybe she’ll respond to him,” Ad suggested.
“She loves you guys too, just the way she always has,” I sighed, hating the way I could see they were both beating themselves up.
“He’s right. You need to try, Jordan. She’s not responding at all right now,” Kane agreed, though he didn’t seem pleased about it.
Adam handed Addy off to me and I moved to the top of the bed, pulling back the comforter and sitting against the head board with her in my arms. Adam tucked the comforter over the both of us as I moved to get Addy so she was straddling my thighs, just the way I knew she liked to be held. The sense of relief that rushed over me when she actually moved her legs a little to help me, was overwhelming.
“Let’s get more comfortable, okay princess?” I said, hoping she’d respond to me. She didn’t, but she did move her head until her ear lay over my heart. I knew she liked that too. The sound of my heart beat seemed to calm her when she woke from nightmares, or felt anxious. She pulled her arms against her chest, then grabbed a handful of my sweater in each as she finally seemed to settle against me. She let out a deep breath, which I took as a good sign.
“I’m here, Addy. We all are. You’re alright. You’re safe. We’re never letting go,” I whispered as I ran my hand over her wild hair over and over, wanting her to feel my touch, praying it would bring her back to us.
“Where are the others?” she whispered after a few silent moments. I barely heard her, but Adam and Kane did. They both dropped to the empty side of the bed in an instant and Kane rubbed a hand over her trembling back as Adam placed his hand on her denim covered thigh.
“We’re right here too, angel,” Kane told her.
“Talk to us, baby. Please. Tell us what we can do,” Adam begged.
“I…I don’t know,” she uttered shakily. “I don’t know how to make it stop. Can y-you make it stop?”
“You’re exhausted, Addy, and you’ve barely eaten for two days. It’s making you weak, and that’s allowing all of that darkness to get a hold of you. You have to eat for us, and get some sleep, crazy girl,” Kane told her gently, but with a definite note of sternness.
“I have Ash’s sleeping pills,” I spoke up. “They’re not that strong, but they will make you sleep deep. If you can eat something and take one, I’m sure you’ll feel a lot better when you wake up.”
“He’s right, Addy. Please honey, just do that for us, and for you. You can’t go on like this,” Adam pleaded. “You’re hurting yourself and it’s killing all of us. Ash and Eli are worried sick downstairs too.”
“I don’t know,” she moaned tearfully as she finally opened her eyes and looked between us, her gaze landing on Kane.
“What don’t you know?” he asked, moving his hand to her cheek and cupping it in his hand.
“If I even w-want to feel better. If it stops then it…it just starts again soon after. I can’t d-do it anymore, Kane. I can’t keep holding on. I d-don’t have anything left to hold on with!” She cried.
I couldn’t stop myself from jolting as the meaning behind those words slapped me in the face as hard as any fist could. She couldn’t be saying what I thought she was, right? She wouldn’t leave us. She couldn’t!
“You know what I’m gonna ask you, angel,” Kane said calmly, doing a way better job at masking his panic than Adam and I. Adam had actually sat up and reared back a little like he too had been punched by her words.
“I don’t know the answer, Kane,” she whimpered.
“To what? What were you gonna ask?” I demanded.
“If she actually wants to die? It’s what I asked her when she was first here, when she was in a bad place and she came to me,” Kane admitted.
“Baby, no. Don’t you dare even say you don’t know the answer to that question. Of course you don’t want to die!” Adam said with desperation.
“I’m sorry!” she cried. “I know I sh-should be stronger, but I’m not! I’m broken and I hurt so…so much. I can’t keep fighting. It’s too hard!”
“Breathe beautiful. Everything’s okay. We’re gonna fix this,” I tried to soothe her as she started to gasp for breaths once her desperate confession ended. I had no idea how to fix any of it, but I damn well knew I would. No one, and nothing was taking her from me, I wouldn’t allow it.
“We shouldn’t talk about this right now,” Kane spoke up. His voice was calm but his face showed real strain and worry. “You’re too tired to even think straight. I’m taking over for now, you hear me Addy? I’m in charge. You’re going to do what I think is best and get some sleep.” Addy nodded, but she didn’t lift her head from where she had buried it against my chest again, and didn’t speak.
We worked together to make sure she ate a sandwich, which Eli brought for her, and she drank some water too. Kane was being really firm with her, and telling her that he thought she could try to eat more, or drink more when she continually tried to push away the offerings, and it would have pissed me off, except Addy was responding to him, and doing what he asked of her without looking worried or getting upset.
When he talked her through Ash’s sleeping pills, and told her she’d only need to take one, he was able to reassure her enough that she’d sleep soundly, that she easily gave in and took the pill he pressed to her lips.
As unsure as I was about being strict with her, the way Kane was, when he started, by the time I felt her finally relax completely in my arms and fall deep into sleep, I was grateful he was able to do it.
Adam had stayed close the whole time, and helped where he could, grabbing things and reassuring Addy when she looked for him, but he’d been quiet too. I knew he was reeling from what Addy had admitted to us. We all were, but Adam seemed even more terrified than I was, lost in his thoughts and his face filled with panic.
“She’s out. Let’s get her in the bed and take off her jeans. I’m hoping she’ll actually sleep through to morning at least,” Kane sighed after ten minutes of us all just silently watching her sleep, where she had remained in my arms, still clutching my shirt tightly in her fists.
“Help me get my sweater off. I want her to be able to keep hold of it. It makes her feel safe,” I whispered as I started trying to get my arm from the sleeve. Kane and I worked together to get it over my head while Addy kept a firm hold on it, then I slid out from beneath her as Kane settled her in the very center of the bed. I pulled off her sneakers and jeans, then we tucked her under the thick comforter. I felt reassured by the fact she didn’t even stir as we moved her, and hoped like hell the sleeping pill would do as Kane had said – allow her to sleep too deeply for any nightmares or horror to touch her.
“We’re gonna lose her,” Adam whispered as Kane and I moved quietly towards him. “She doesn’t even want to fight anymore.”
“She does, Ad. Don’t give up on her so easily. Think what she’s been through the last two days. Think about how little she’s eaten and slept, and how much has happened. She’s terrified and running on empty. She barely even knew what she was saying,” I reasoned as I held my hand over his shoulder, hoping to soothe his raw emotions.
“Listen to your brother. We have to wait to see how she is in the morning, but even if she feels the same, we’re sure as shit not gonna lose her. I’m not going to let her do a damned thing to end her life. She’s going to come through this and let us give her the happy fucking life she deserves, isn’t she?” Kane hissed somewhat angrily.
“I’m not giving up on her. It just…I guess it scared me, thinking we could lose her. I’ve never felt the way I do for her,” Ad sighed.
“We all love her, Adam. We’re going to be here to give her everything she needs to end this mess and get over it however she needs to. She didn’t say she wanted to die. She said she didn’t know, and that’s because she’s exhausted and scared. We just have to show her she doesn’t need to be scared anymore because she has us, and her brothers. We have to prove to her that she will never have to face anything alone, ever again.” I slapped my hand on his shoulder and moved to press my forehead to his when he glanced at me. It was something we had done since we were kids. We weren’t big huggers, not with each other anyway, but pressing our foreheads together was our thing. “We will fix this for her, and everything else that comes in our life together. We got her and we got each other, right?”
“Right,” Kane agreed easily and I felt him pat me on the shoulder.
“Right,” Adam agreed too. We had to believe that. We had to be sure we could save our girl from the darkness trying to take her from us, because there was no other alternative. She was ours and we refused to let her go. We needed her so damned much.