Forever Found (Lost #3)

CHAPTER 25

ADDY

“Okay, Addy. We need to leave it there for today. Thank you for coming into the office,” Laura, my therapist, said, wrapping up the one hour session I’d travelled into the city for. We had been back home for two days, and when I had my online session with Laura the day before, I’d been such a mess. My bubble of peace, calm, and contentment with Kane had broken as soon as I left my room to go downstairs. My anxiety had been right where I’d left it and just the challenge of eating the breakfast Adam had lovingly cooked for me, seemed too overwhelming to deal with. I had zero appetite and I had worked myself up even more by the fact I had so easily destroyed what Kane and I had in the shower, in just a matter of minutes. I hated myself and I was already regretting the promises I’d made to Kane to keep trying, to fight. I just couldn’t do it.

By the time of my scheduled video session with my therapist, I had found myself in Adam’s arms again, unable to let him go for fear of the darkness that was once again fighting to consume me and drown me in the terror of so many nightmare like flashbacks. As soon as I tried to explain things to Laura, I burst into tears and barely made a word of sense. In minutes I had pressed my face to Adam’s chest, and just fallen apart. In the end Adam had carried me back upstairs, Jordan, and Kane right behind us, and Asher had spoken with Laura.

I didn’t know what had been said, and I didn’t much care either. I’d begged for Ashe’s sleeping pills as soon as my guys got me to my room and I had slept for hours in the drug induced peace.

That morning, when I awoke feeling hung over once again, Asher and Eli had come into my room and pleaded with me to attend an actual session with my therapist at her offices in the city. It was the last thing I wanted to do – leave the relative safety of my home, my guys, and my brothers to go into the overcrowded, intimidating as hell city, but when Eli turned his glassy eyes on me and told me he was terrified for me, I had to give in. I couldn’t hurt my brothers any more than I could see I already was. And my guys too – they were stressed to breaking point. It was easy to see. I was letting them all down with my breakdown and I knew it.

So I’d forced myself not to grip on to one of my guys as I wanted to and instead found the energy and numbness I needed to shower and dress. Kane had driven me into the city, and wrapped himself around me as we walked the crowded streets to the office. I’d asked him to come into the session with me, on edge of crumbling again after dealing wit the bustle of the city, and he’d happily agreed.

Now I was clutching his hand in both of mine, so hard I had to be hurting him, but I hadn’t been able to let him go as I tried hard to hold myself together for the last hour. There had been tears and panic as I tried hard to explain to Laura the chaos going on within. She’d been patient and listened. We talked about the breathing techniques I had used successfully before to calm my anxiety and I told her how useless they were now in the face of such overwhelming and uncontrollable fear that was haunting me.

“I…I can’t come again. Not for now. I…it’s too much,” I panicked. I still wasn’t sure how Kane had managed to get me from the car to the office building, as freaked out and scared as I’d been. I was already dreading the walk back to the car and the idea of doing it all, everyday - as Laura insisted on our sessions being daily – was just unthinkable.

“It’s okay, angel. We already discussed it, remember? You’re going to do video sessions with Laura, and she’ll come out to our place once a week too until you’re feeling stronger,” Kane soothed as he leaned in to kiss the top of my head gently.

“That’s right. You have my number too, and I want you to use it if you need to, no matter the time of day or night,” Laura went on. “Here’s the prescription for the pills we discussed. I know you’re unsure, but it really would help if you could try them. The anti-anxiety meds will help you feel calmer, and the sleeping pills will meld better with your heart medications than you taking your brothers prescription, which you never should have done.”

“I’ll try,” I uttered shakily. I hated the idea of putting more drugs in my body. All I could picture was my mom, and all of the pills, injections, and many other daily medical rituals I had to pump her full of, all to no avail, because she was always still in pain anyway. I didn’t want to become her. I really would rather just end things now.

“I’ll collect them on the drive home and Addy can talk it over with the rest of our family,” Kane assured her.

“Good. I already have the signed consent to discuss things with your older brother, so I’ll be in contact about you testifying too, if you could just give him a heads up?” That was the best thing to come from the session. I had told Laura my terror about testifying in court against Max, and she had explained that she could file paperwork with the court stating that I wasn’t up to doing so. She had fears that me being forced to stand up in court would endanger my mental health, so she could work with the attorney Asher hired to try and get me out of the duty.

I knew I should feel bad. If I were the only witness they had against Max, my not testifying could allow him to go free, and I knew I shouldn’t let that happen. I knew I should want justice for what I survived and what so many others didn’t because of Max Kline. But my mental health was at risk and I knew it. I had been having discussions with my guys about wanting to end my life – a fact I had made Kane swear he would not mention to Laura. He hadn’t liked it, but when I broke down and told him my terror at the notion of ever being locked away again, he gave in.

No, I wasn’t strong enough to stand in court and face anyone right then, and I felt like I may never be again. The get out loophole Laura could give me was like a light in the ever growing shadows surrounding me, and I was grabbing it, however selfish that made me.

“Will do. Thanks for everything you’re doing for Addy,” Kane said. I had pressed my face against his bicep now. I was exhausted and just done holding it together – not that I’d done a stellar job of that anyway. I wanted to go home and see Adam and Jordan. I wanted to feel the safety and warmth of being home with my brothers.

“Of course,” Laura replied. “Get some rest and call me if you need anything, Addy.” I nodded, but didn’t lift my head. I was behaving like a child and I knew it, but I was in a bad place and Laura had told me it was okay to retreat into myself as I had.

“Goona pick you up now, pretty girl,” Kane whispered low, then I was in his arms, bridal style, as he got to his feet. I lay my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes as we left the office, not even offering Laura a simple ‘goodbye’ or even a stiff smile as I had on the way in.

Kane carried me all of the way back to the car, and as we started the drive home I found myself clutching him around his forearm as he worked to drive with just one hand, my face pressed to the soft wool of his coat, against his bicep again, my eyes closed. I was so scared of myself right then. I knew I was falling apart, if I hadn’t already. I knew I needed to try harder to pull myself together. I knew what was happening to me and my out of control reactions to it all, was terrifying and hurting everyone I loved, and yet I couldn’t make it stop. I could barely breathe if I wasn’t touching Kane, Jord, or Adam. I was on a precipice – looking down into that deep dark abyss I knew far more than I ever should, teetering right on the very edge of falling in. Holsing on to Kane, Jordan, and Adam was the only thing stopping me from dropping. Their love and that of my brothers was all that was stopping me from wanting to jump on in and end it all too. I wanted the strength to turn around and walk away from it, but I just didn’t have it, and no one could just drag me from that edge without me having the will to go. I just needed to find that strength and that will. Easy, right?

“I’m gonna take you right home, Addy. Some one can come back out for your meds, but you need to be home,” Kane told me. He was being so gentle with me, and I needed that, but I also missed the fire that we had between us before. I missed his grouchy face when he wasn’t happy with something I was doing, like when he’d come stomping up to me in the garden and tell me I was crazy to be out there, and that I should get back inside. I missed the real Kane – the Kane he seemed to think I could no longer handle. Maybe he was right though too.

“I’m g-going to try them,” I whispered as I opened my eyes and peered up to his face.

“The pills?” he questioned as he took his eyes from the road and glanced to me.

“I have to. I…I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to be stronger and braver.”

“You’re the strongest, bravest person I know, angel. You’re just struggling right now, and that’s to be expected after all that’s happened,” he sighed as he turned the hand of the arm I was clutching and rubbed it over the lycra of the legging’s I’d pulled on that morning. “But I think the meds Laura prescribed to you will help, and so you should try them,” he added.

“I will. I just…I don’t want to turn into my mom, you know? She was always so…so angry and bitter. She took so many drugs and treatments. She’d lash out and yell a-all the time. I don’t want to ever be like her,” I tried to explain.

“Addy, that’s never, ever going to happen. You are the complete opposite of your mom. You’re kind and caring. You take care of the people you care about. You’re everything that is sweet and good, despite what you suffered. No amount of pills could ever change the goodness that runs through your veins.”

“Will you…if I start to change…will you stop me taking the pills? Promise me, Kane. I don’t want to lose any more of wh-who I am. I can’t. If these pills make me different I c-can’t, won’t take them. Don’t let me, okay?” I whimpered.

“I promise, angel. I won’t let any drug, or anything else ever take a damned thing from you ever again,” he promised, and the conviction in those words settled some of the worry swimming within me.

Silence between us returned as I leant back into his arm and tried to find the calm I needed, but that was like trying to block out and ignore the blazing riot going on in my head – all of that noise and violence not easily drowned out.

We were about halfway home when Kane’s cell started to ring. He picked up the call on his hands free and the background noise from the other end of the call filled the car.

“Kane Chase,” Kane answered when no one spoke. I lifted my head and looked to his cell in the cup holder beside me, and the screen said ‘No caller ID’ so it wasn’t one of the guys or my brothers.

“It’s me, Kane,” A hushed, shaky, female voice rang out loudly through the car.

“Jen? What’s wrong?” Kane demanded instantly.

“Are you back in the city?” the timid voice asked.

“Yes. What’s going on? Are you okay? Why are you whispering?” Kane sat up straighter, so I sat up too, knowing something was obviously wrong. Kane had only mentioned his sister a few times to me, but I knew her name was Jenny. It had to be her, and she sounded upset.

“N-no. Not really. Can you…are you busy?” she asked, her words wobbly and I was sure she was crying.

Kane glanced to me and I didn’t know what to do or say, so I just reached across and put my hand on his thigh, hoping to comfort him.

“Tell me where you are. Are you safe?” Kane asked.

“I…I think so. He left, but I…I’m scared he’ll come back. I’m sorry Kane. I didn’t know who else to call.”

“Don’t you dare. Who is ‘he’ and where the hell are you?” Kane growled. I had no idea how worried he had to be, because I’d never met Jenny and I was terrified for her. She sounded terrified.

“My apartment. Can you come and pick me up? I m-might need to stay with you for a few days if I can?”

“Fuck!” Kane hissed as he glanced to me again. I could tell he was torn. It was just him and me, and he was obviously worried about taking me to this potentially volatile situation. But his sister needed him and I’d be damned if I got in the way of him getting to her.

“Kane, just get there, now!” I spoke up as I met his glance this time with some determination of my own. “And of course you can stay with him for as long as you need to, Jenny,” I added, talking louder so she’d hear me.

“Addy? Is that Addy?” Jenny asked between sniffles.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m Addy. Are you okay? Are you hurt?” I asked her as Kane got to a turning point and spun the car around with a squeal.

“I’m okay. I can’t believe this is the way I finally get to meet you. I’ve been begging Kane to introduce us for weeks.” Jenny was still whispering, which was worrying, Was she hiding in case whoever the threat was came back?

“This can wait, Jen. Tell me what happened?” Kane said as he sped back toward the city.

“I…I don’t know. Dean came home just as I was headed out to the salon. He was acting weird and I…I was pissed because he’d been out all night. He stank of beer and weed. I started yelling at him and he…he just lost it, Kane. I…I think he was on something. He hit me…I thought he was going to k-kill me,” she explained, her voice breaking throughout.

“Jesus Jenny!” Kane growled. “Has he put hands on you before?”

“No! Never. We argue a lot, but he’s never…it was like he was a different person. He had his hand on my throat and pinned me against the wall, I thought that was it, but….the neighbors must have heard me scream when he was hitting me. Luke from next door came to my door and started banging, and yelling for me. Dean let me go and he ran. Luke wanted to call the cops but I….I just want to get out of here,” Jenny explained further.

“Where’s Luke now? He couldn’t wait with you for me to come?” Kane was pissed. I could tell that by the hard set of his jaw and how tight he was white-knuckling the steering wheel.

“He wanted to, but I…I was so embarrassed, Kane. This…it isn’t me. I don’t do the damsel in distress shit. I don’t know wh-what happened,” she squeaked, obviously pushing through her tears.

“Have you locked the doors and windows?” Kane said, a little more calmly, not that he looked calmer.

“Obviously!” Jenny scoffed. “I’m not completely stupid, big brother.”

“Pack your shit. I’m about ten minutes away. I’ll call someone to come and change the locks on your place when I get there. We’ll change the alarm codes too, then you’re staying with me while I find this motherfucker. I’m gonna break his fucking neck with my bare hands!” Kane raged.

“Breathe. She doesn’t need you losing it,” I warned him in a gentle whisper I hoped Jenny wouldn’t hear. Kane glanced to me again, then put his hand over mine on his thigh as he took a deep breath in.

“He’s not worth it, Kane. I just…I can’t be here right now.”

Kane stayed on the line with Jenny, the both of them worried this ‘Dean’ would return once again. While Kane listened to her pack her stuff up and spoke with her more gently, I called Asher as Kane had asked me to. I explained what was happening so he and the others wouldn’t worry when we didn’t arrive back home as planned. By the time I ended the call Asher and Adam were on their way to meet us at Jenny’s place. They said they were coming to help get her stuff moved, but I knew they were really coming because they were worried I was going to lose it and Kane would have to deal with me on top of the situation with his sister. Who could blame them for that?

But as Kane screeched to a halt outside a pretty small and cute looking apartment complex not long later, I was calm. Inside everything was as much of a disaster as before, but knowing Kane needed me to keep it together, and desperate not to add to his stress, I was doing everything I could to pull myself into what resembled a stable person, and my worry for Jenny was helping me keep focus.

“Fuck! I hate this, but I need you to come with me, angel. It’s not safe for me to leave you out here alone, and Ash and Adam are too far away for us to wait. Jenny…”

“We’re not waiting,” I interrupted. “This asshat could come back and there’s no way you’re letting him touch your sister again. I’ll be fine. Let’s just go.” Before he could even argue I had opened the door of his car and leapt down the great distance from the passenger seat. By the time I slammed the door closed Kane was at my back, looking up and down the quiet street for any danger.

“Stay right behind me and don’t move, okay?” he told me as he put me where he wanted me, leading my hand to grip the back of the jeans he wore. “Don’t let go unless something happens. I tell you to run, you run and call Ash right away, yeah?”

“Okay,” I agreed easily.

My heart was racing as Kane led us into the building. He’d entered a code to allow us access, and inside the building was clean, bright, and deadly silent. When Kane pulled the gun from the holster he wore under his coat, I gasped, not expecting it, but I didn’t freak out. I couldn’t.

“Breathe, Addy. It’s gonna be fine. I’ve got this,” Kane whispered to me as we started up the stairwell, Kane constantly checking all around us as we moved. I took in a deep breath, not even realizing I was holding my breath.

“We’re safe in here, right? I mean, the door…you needed a code. No one is in here,” I whispered as I hurried to keep up with his race up the three flights of stairs.

“It’s a secure building, but it sounds like Jenny’s asshole boyfriend was on something, and there’s no guarantee he actually left. I’m not taking any chances when you’re with me,” he explained hurriedly.

I didn’t question him further. I was too out of breath to, even if I had more questions. By the time we reached the top floor I could hardly breathe and I was sure it was that time in my life where I desperately needed to start working out. I had avoided it for as long as I could, but clearly I was extremely out of shape. Kane wasn’t even breathing hard as I stumbled behind him into a short hallway.

“Okay, Addy?”

“All good,” I gasped. “But I foresee exercise in my new routine.” I added, making Kane smile a little as he glanced round to me for just a second.

“Me too,” he told me with a wink, making me blush.

We moved down the hallway and stopped at the door at the very end. Kane tried the handle, but it was locked, so he pulled a set of keys from his pocket and let himself in, the whole time keeping a watch of our surroundings.

“Jen!” he yelled as he walked in, pulling me behind him, then turning to close the door and lock it.

I turned to check out my surroundings just as a tiny woman with a huge baseball bat held threateningly over her shoulder, popped up from behind the small breakfast counter in the kitchen.

“Kane?” she whimpered as she looked between us.

“He’s fucking dead!” Kane growled as he moved towards his sister in two huge strides. I released his jeans and watched on. Jenny dropped the bat behind her with a loud clang as Kane reached her and pulled her into his arms tightly. She was visibly shaking from where I stood, and there was bruising on her face and all of the way around her delicate throat. She was petite, which surprised me, likely only a couple inches taller than me. Her hair was a bright ash sort of blonde, that suited her perfectly with her fair skin tone. It was cut into a stylish bob that I was sure was usually immaculately styled, but right then it was wild and I could see a streak of blood near her hair line. She was slim and nothing like Kane at all. Her flared, short skater skirt was intact, but the halter top she had beneath a colorful patterned cardigan was torn, one of the straps hanging loose and her bra exposed slightly.

“I’m sorry. I just…I can’t think straight and I was so scared. I know I should have…”

“Enough.” Kane cut off her shaky words as he placed his finger under her chin and lifted her face so he could take in her injuries. “Don’t you ever apologise for calling me when you need me. I’d be pissed if you didn’t.”

“I p-packed a bag, but I…I should change,” Jenny said as she pulled back from Kane’s arms and looked herself over. She seemed to panic when she realized her top was ripped and hurried to wrap her cardigan around herself. “I have to change,” she repeated with a tremor.

“You’re bleeding,” Kane commented as he tipped her head back a little and looked at the cut along the edge of her hair line.

“It’s nothing. It already stopped bleeding,” she assured him.

“We should get you to a hospital.”

“No, Kane. I’m fine, just bruised and shaken. The last thing I want is some asshole doctor poking at me,” Jenny groaned.

“Your clothes are ripped,” Kane growled and I looked down at his hands, which were clenched into fists at his sides. I knew what he was thinking, because I’d thought it too.

“He didn’t…he was too busy throwing me around and hitting me. My shirt got ripped in the scuffle, that’s all. I tried to fight, but he was crazy. Like I said, I th-think he was on something.”

“Sounds like it,” Kane agreed with a nod. “Go and change. I’ll call someone in to change the locks right away. That fucker’s not getting back in here.”

Jenny looked a little unsure as she glanced from Kane and down the hallway I was sure her bedroom must be down.

“Hey,” I said as I stepped forward. “I’m Addy. You want me to help you change and clean up?” I offered. I knew exactly how it felt to be too scared to be alone after going through something like the attack Jenny had just faced.

“Addy. Fuck! I didn’t even realize you were there. I’m so sorry. This is not how I wanted to meet the first real girlfriend my brother has ever had,” Jenny cried as she seemed to rally and stand straighter.

“Ever?” I cried as I turned to look at Kane with shock. He’d never had a girlfriend?

“I was in the military. It didn’t make sense to try and have a relationship,” he shrugged as he looked to me with the cutest blush on his cheeks.

“He’s a total commitment-phobe. Always has been, even in high school and college. That’s why I was so desperate to meet you – the woman who got my brother to finally grow up,” Jenny smiled a little, then winced and grabbed her cheek.

“That’s not accurate. Don’t listen to her bullshit, angel,” Kane told me as he pointed an accusing finger at his sister.

“It is,” Jenny whispered animatedly, making me smile. Their eyes, I realized as I looked between them. Their eyes were identical and the only tell that they were related in anyway. The same color, the same shape, and the same sparkle in them as they playfully argued.

“Get out of here, and don’t be telling Addy any crappy stories from when I was a young, dumb kid,” Kane warned with a playful wink my way.

Jenny leaned in to hug her brother with one arm again as she seemed to drop the levity she had momentarily found. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she told him emotionally.

“Come on. Let me help you,” I said as she pulled back and looked to me hesitantly. I rounded the counter and grabbed her hand, which was a bold move for me, then we walked together towards her bedroom.

Something within me had come alive, a need to help and be there for this woman who had been through something I knew all too well. I wanted to be there for her the way no one had been there for me when I was left bloodied, beaten and in pain during those two years I was held. I wanted to help her get through this so the darkness that abuse would have created within her, never got the chance to grow as big, wild, and overwhelming as it had within me.

“He’s overprotective, but I guess you know that already, huh?” Jenny said as we walked into the bedroom together. Her room was painted in shades of white and teal, dominated by a huge bed, covered in soft looking blankets and fluffy pillows.

“I definitely do,” I agreed with a smile. The bed was flanked by a pair of nightstands, and the only other item of furniture was a huge dressing table, the top of which was absolutely covered with hundreds of items of makeup. I owned one tiny bag with about four items in, and I barely used those. I wondered how she could possibly need everything laid out before me.

“Sorry about the mess. I was a little crazed when I was trying to pack,” she said as I looked around again. Behind me was a door to a large closet, and the entire floor of it was filled with clothes in messy piles and thrown out onto the carpet outside.

“It’s fine. Do you have first aid supplies?” I asked.

“Under the sink in the bathroom. It’s the room right next door,” she told me as she nodded to the door back out into the hallway.

As I walked into the small bathroom, with a shower over the tub, a small vanity and toilet, I found an equal amount of mess, the doors of the vanity thrown open and things abandoned on the floor. She had been terrified, I realized. She had been throwing things, just to get to what she needed, so desperate to get out of there and scared to be alone after what that drugged up asshole did to her. I saw a green first aid box amongst the mess, grabbed it and returned to her room, where she was in the process of awkwardly pulling off the cardigan she wore.

“Let me help,” I offered as I rushed forward and pulled the item of clothing off, gasping aloud when I saw the very clear hand print bruises on the top of both of her arms. Bruises were appearing on her chest too and she was favoring her left side as she sat tentatively at the foot of the bed. “That fucking asshole got me good, huh?” she laughed dryly.

“God help him if your brother gets his hands on him,” I uttered as I lay her expensive looking cardigan on the bed beside her.

“Yeah,” she sniffled. “I can’t believe I let this happen. I know how to defend myself. Kane made me take martial arts classes since I was eighteen, especially when he knew he was going into the military and leaving me. I’m not this person…I’m not weak,” she said, her words still little more than a rough whisper, obviously because of the state of her throat.

“It’s not about you. It’s about him. It doesn’t matter how strong you are, or how prepared you may be, if a man wants to hurt you, and he has that evil spark within him, he’ll always find a way,” I said sadly. God, how well I knew that to be true. Even if I had been stronger when I was taken – the way Jenny seemed to be – it wouldn’t have helped me much in the situations I had been in. Evil had won over me, no matter how resilient I tried to be. It had won over Jenny that morning too.

“I don’t believe that, Addy. Yeah, I wasn’t strong enough to get away from Dean this morning. I think part of that was that I never thought I needed to be with him. We’ve been together for months and I liked him. Sure, he could be an ass sometimes, but most of the time he was sweet and fun to be with. He caught me off guard and he’d already hit me a few times by the time I realized I had to fight back. So, yeah, he won today, but that doesn’t mean I’m just going to except he’ll always win, or that he is inherently evil, so I have no chance anyway. Maybe we can’t always escape the evil in this world, but that thought will never stop me from training and working to be as prepared as I can be to face something like this if it ever happens again. Nothing will stop me from fighting against the fucked up people in this world, as hard and as dirty as I need to, in my fight to come out on top. This world is so fucking good at breaking people down and swallowing them up. That’s what it did to our mom. She was just a cog in the machine, working her ass off day after day, fighting to pay bills and put food on the table for Kane and I. In the end she worked herself to death and died alone. She never lived. She never saw any of the world, or even got to enjoy the money she slaved for, day in, day out. She just survived until her body gave out on her. I’m not going out that way, and no asshole, man, or woman, is going to make me afraid to live the way I want to either.”

“You make it sound so easy,” I sighed as I sat on the bed beside her and busied myself opening the first aid box and pulling out antiseptic and gauze.

“Fuck no, it’s not easy, but life isn’t fucking easy. It’s crappy and miserable, always trying to pull you down, but I refuse to let it. I decided the day I found my mom dead on the floor of our kitchen that I wanted so much more from my life than she ever got, and I fight for that. Some days, like today, I don’t accomplish it, but I’m not giving up. I’m fucking scared and shaken to shit right now, but tomorrow I’ll get my shit together again and I’ll hold my fucking head high, because Dean, and all of the assholes in life just like him, do not get to bring me down. Fuck them!,” she rasped loudly. I could see the fire in her eyes, determined and so sure she would not be broken by what had happened to her that morning. She was strong, just like her brother, and I envied her that. I wished I could have just one ounce of the strength she was filled with.

I was silent as I worked to clean up the cut on her head and cover it with some gauze and tape. I couldn’t get her words out of my head. She didn’t want to let life break her down the way it had her mother. I should feel that way too, right? I should want to fight to be better and strong again so all of the bad things that had happened to me and all of the monsters who did them, didn’t get to win either.

But I was already broken down, and so, so very tired. Just being as calm and ‘normal’ as I was in that moment was taking everything in me. The mess in my head still raged on inside, making my head hurt to the point I feared it would split. I wasn’t Jenny, and I never would be. I had never held the strength and determination she did, even before I was taken. My mom and my lonely existence growing up had already started to break me down long before those thugs kidnapped me on the side of the road that night.