Forever is Now

EMERGENCY CALL AUDIO RECORDING

E mergency Call Handler : 999, which service do you require?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : Ambulance.

Emergency Call Handler : Connecting you.

Ambulance Call Handler : Ambulance Emergency, what’s the address of the emergency?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : [address redacted]

Ambulance Call Handler : Thank you. And is the patient breathing?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : Yes, she is.

Ambulance Call Handler : Is she conscious?

Summer Taylor-Braddon: No.

Ambulance Call Handler : Thank you, and what’s your name?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : Summer.

Ambulance Call Handler : Okay, Summer, tell us what’s happening.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : I... I’m with a woman, and she’s been stabbed in the stomach.

Ambulance Call Handler : Is the attacker still on the scene?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : No. We’re inside now. She was stabbed outside, but I dragged her in here, into the house. I don’t know if I should’ve moved her. But she’s bleeding a lot, and I don’t know what to do.

[ Shouts outside can be heard ]

Ambulance Call Handler : Hello, Summer? Are you safe?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : I’m safe. She’s bleeding a lot.

Ambulance Call Handler : Paramedics are on their way, but I need you to get a clean towel or cloth. Can you do that?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : Yes. I can... Uh, yeah, there’s a blanket here. It looks clean—it’s not my house so I’m not sure... But I think... Oh God.

[A loud hammering sound follows, followed by more shouts from a male]

Ambulance Call Handler : What’s happening, Summer? Hello?

Can you tell me what’s happening?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : They’re still outside, but... She’s... She’s been sick, and she’s still unconscious. Should I put her on her side? Oh fuck—she’s having a seizure. I don’t know what to do. And—and she’s pregnant! I forgot to say she’s pregnant!

Ambulance Call Handler : Just stay calm please and listen. I’m going to tell you exactly what to do.

##

S ummer Taylor-Braddon : I still just feel weird, hearing that call. Like it wasn’t me.

Dante Fiore : But it was.

Adelaide James : Wait—is that an unedited recording?

Dante Fiore : It is. But please refrain from interrupting, Ms. James. Now, Summer, would you like to tell us what happened?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : Yeah. I would. Because even though the police cleared me of any involvement, there are still so many people out there who think I did this. The joys of being a crime writer, eh?

Dante Fiore : But this project that we’re doing is to get the truth across. Your truth.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : It’s not just my truth. It’s the truth.

Dante Fiore : Sorry. Yes.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : So, I was kidnapped once.

I bet you didn’t expect me to tell you that?

Dante Fiore : Uh, no, I didn’t expect you to say that—not now, anyway.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : I feel it’s important for everyone to have this context. You included, Adelaide. Especially before we continue with the events of that day.

Dante Fiore : So, Kidnapped? What—I mean, how? When?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : I was five years old. I don’t really remember it. Well, I might but I’m not sure. You know when you’re little and you know something happened because you’ve been told it happened, and you sort of think you remember but the memory is mainly a construction, because you know?

Dante Fiore : Yeah, I think so.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : It’s like that. Mum told me about it when I was ten years old. It was because I’d been having these nightmares where a long hand reached out of a white van as I was walking past, and the hand would grab me. Pinch me really hard.

I’d wake up crying and everything. And after the third time it happened, Mum told me about it.

Dante Fiore : What happened?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : It wasn’t a white van or anything. It was at the shopping center. In London. We were there visiting Mum’s cousin’s nephew or something. I don’t know. Me and Mum and Matilda. And Mum said Matilda really wanted to go in this shopping center, but everything was so expensive and so Mum didn’t want her going in there because she’d feel guilt-tripped into buying something when Mattie found something that she absolutely adored and had to have. You know?

Dante Fiore : Yes.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : Well, it was when Mum and Mattie were arguing about it. Mum said we had to go back to the hotel, and Mattie was proper screaming about it. Fifteen-year-old girl having a sulk. That kind of thing. And Mum looked back down at where I’d been standing, and I wasn’t there. She’d only let go of my hand for a few seconds. But that had been enough.

Dante Fiore : Shit.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : Yeah, shit. I mean, I kind of remember a man with kind eyes. I mean, I think I do. Might just be filling it in. But Mum called the police and the security of the shopping center all came out, the whole place was in lockdown.

And I was found in Pizza Express, of all places. Just down the road. With a man and a woman. They were in their forties, that’s what Mum said.

And they told her they’d found me wandering on my own and so had decided to buy me a pizza. They told the staff at Pizza Express it was my birthday, and everyone in there was singing to me when the police came into the establishment.

Dante Fiore : Had you wandered off?

Summer : No. I hadn’t. They got CCTV later that showed the couple had been standing behind Mum when Mattie was getting all upset about not being able to go shopping. They’d, like, crouched down behind me, and I guess said something to me. I’d turned around, and they’d held their hand out.

It looked like I’d just gone with them willingly. Held their hands, and they walked me away. Bought me pizza.

Mum told me that they’d said afterward in interviews that they couldn’t have kids. That they just wanted to know what it feels like. And this—this was something that I began thinking about a lot, as mine and Ruari’s wedding grew closer. We’d decided to have kids, and I kept thinking, what if it doesn’t work? What if the IVF fails?

What if we don’t get a baby? Will my desire to have a child warp me and make me take some other person’s kid? I mean, it’s ironic now, isn’t it?

Dante Fiore : I think everyone wonders if they have capabilities to do bad things. It’s human nature to wonder. To think about what might push you.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : I had been desperate to have a baby with Ruari. So desperate. But I always told myself that I’d never just take someone else’s child. I knew that was wrong.

Is it okay to just take a quick break now?

Dante Fiore : Sure.

##

S ummer Taylor-Braddon : So, you know that I’ve not got the best mental health, right? I’d say that’s probably been quite obvious. No, I’m not expecting you to answer, Dante. I’m just saying. Not that it’s an excuse for what happened—but I didn’t actually do anything. I didn’t act on those thoughts.

And everyone has these thoughts, right? The majority of us just ignore them. I mean, I’ve spoken to my therapist about them—they’re intrusive thoughts. People get them all the time. Everyone does.

And I did ignore them. Those thoughts.

So, uh, back to what happened, then, I guess.

Well, I’d already learned by this time that the two kids were called Alex and Summer, of course. Did I already say this? I can’t remember. But, anyway, I... I felt that the girl’s name had to be a sign. I’d had that dream again, where I was pregnant with Ruari’s baby, only this time, when I was giving birth, Mia was the midwife.

And she was so angry at me.

She shouted that I had stolen him from her, and then suddenly, she had hold of my baby. A little boy. And she was running away with him, screaming that it was her baby.

I knew I had to get my baby back. I was desperate to. Like, I had no choice. That was my baby she was taking, and my motherly instinct or whatever it was kicking in. I was still in my hospital gown, and like the placenta or umbilical cord—whatever it is—was hanging out of me, and I was running after her, down this corridor with these tiny fluorescent lights.

And all I could concentrate on was getting my baby back.

I woke, pretty panicked. I might’ve been screaming, because my mum was opening my door, all concerned, asking if I was okay. And I had this huge ache in my arms. Like, something was missing. My baby.

You have to understand that I hadn’t been sleeping at all. How could I? I’d had more death threats, and some journalists had got hold of my new phone number—did I tell you I’d had to change it so many times? And I was just having to have my phone turned off pretty much all the time, but I was always anxious I was missing calls. Important calls. Like from the lawyers, solicitors, police.

I still had my laptop on though—like, all the time. I don’t know why I did it, but I’d set up Google alerts for my name and Ruari’s name. And Mia’s too. And I was, like, addicted to reading all the toxic things people were writing about me. It was horrific. And it made me feel so much worse, but I just couldn’t stop. My eyes would be so blurry and I’d be exhausted, scrolling through page after page of hideous comments about me. Calling me all sorts of names. But doing that was better than sleeping—lying there, trying to get to sleep in the dark room, because that’s when the reality of it all would come crashing down. That Ruari was no longer mine. That he’d never been mine again. He was hers. My thoughts would just feel like knives. They’d stab, stab, stab me. I wouldn’t be able to breathe. It was that bad—it would keep me awake. It was like torture. Thinking of them, together.

I kept imagining them in bed. They’d obviously slept together, whereas Ruari and I never had. It made me wonder if he was no longer ace, if that was even possible. If maybe he’d just pretended he was to try and reassure me. If he’d been giving up sex the whole time we were together.

She could give him what I couldn’t, and I really, really hated her for it. I felt so threatened by it, all those nights when all I could do was think about her and him and them , but at times, I also didn’t hate her—like at the same time as hating her, and it was just so, so confusing. So, I was confused. I was sleep-deprived. Like, seriously. I couldn’t function. I was losing weight.

Mum got me some sleeping pills. Just over-the-counter ones. I didn’t want to take them because I didn’t want to be trapped in nightmares. Nightmares, where I was convinced I’d see them together. Maybe kissing, or actually doing it. And I didn’t want that.

But Mum persuaded me otherwise. She said you didn’t dream if you slept because you’d taken pills. That the medication interfered with something in your brain, stopped your dreams, nightmares.

I was reluctant, but I agreed. I was desperate.

And so that’s when I took them. That’s when I slept, finally.

And that’s when I had that dream—me, having Ruari’s baby, and Mia taking it away from me. Stealing it.

When I woke up, I was disorientated. Very disorientated.

But I was thinking that the baby she was pregnant with was actually my baby, and somehow just knowing that their daughter had my name confirmed it—even though this was about the unborn baby, not Summer. I know it sounds ridiculous now. I know that.

I didn’t make the journey up there, to Bristol, straight away though.

I walked around like there was cotton wool in my head, for days. No, cotton wool’s not right—something warmer, fuzzier. You know that feeling when you skid on carpet, and it’s like a friction burn but not quite painful? But warm? Yeah, well I felt like that, on my skin. Only it was the inside of my skin. Like, everywhere.

I wanted to turn myself inside out, so I could scratch myself raw.

I wanted to bleed and feel something, let it all out. Just stop it all.

But I couldn’t.

And I... well, I wasn’t well. Really wasn’t well. No one could be, not in my situation.

I didn’t know what to do, other than to take more sleeping pills, because I thought that would mean I’d be back in that dream, where Mia was running away with my baby, and I could chase after her there. If we were in the same place. If I just dreamed again.

But when I took the sleeping pills the next night, I didn’t dream. There was nothing. I woke feeling numb.

I remember looking at the TV the next morning. There was some program on but there was a pregnant woman in it. I saw that as a sign. It was almost like the character was saying ‘Go and see Mia. Get your baby back.’

I deserved a baby. I deserved just a bit of their happiness. Because it wasn’t fair that Mia had taken Ruari from me.

And I guess, well, I also wanted to see Ruari again. So that’s what I did. I went to Bristol. I’d had their address for a while. It was written in the back of my notebook.

I didn’t go on my own though. Ashley came. It was weird, how that worked out. So, I don’t know if we’ve covered this—I can’t remember—but as soon as Ruari had been found, Ashley was, like, in contact with me all the time. Wanting updates. When I was back in Devon, he was suddenly round at my mum’s house every day. And James too sometimes. I mean, Hana was as well. And Julia—this was before she did the bad thing.

Ashley had gone to see Ruari once, but he didn’t remember him either. But Ash arrived at mine just as I was trying to find Mum’s car keys. [ Summer laughs ] I mean, I couldn’t even drive so I don’t know why I thought that I was going to literally drive to Bristol. To Ruari and Mia’s.

I guess I was a bit frantic, because Ashley was asking if I was okay. And I said something like, “I’m going to see Ruari.”

And then he thought that maybe if we both went, it might prompt something. I think he said something like “Just immerse him in his old life and he has to remember, right?”

So, Ashley was driving me up there. He had this gray Polo. And I was feeling really... well, not great. My head was pounding. We had a couple hours, because the traffic was bad. There’d been snow and ice, and some accidents. Ashley suggested I got some sleep. Said it would be better if I was refreshed when I got there. I guess I must’ve looked really awful.

I had my pack of sleeping pills in my pocket. I remember being surprised, finding them there. But I took them—maybe too many, I don’t know. I don’t think I was being careful, but there I was, napping in his car, and I had this dream where I found Mia. She was in a hospital. Pretty similar to the one where Ruari had had more tests done, where I spoke to his doctors and found out that he’d recognized his dad.

Mia had these really long arms in my dream though, and I realized at one point that I was suddenly holding a baby—the baby—but she wouldn’t let go. No matter how far I ran, she would still be holding onto the baby. Her arms would just elongate, stretch. A bit like that Doctor Who episode with David Tennant and Catherine Tate. You know the one, right?

Well, anyway, after that I just kind of woke up in a bit of a state. And I just had this voice in my head saying that I had to take the baby. Like, that dream just really cemented it for me, and I’m not sure why, when I guess the dream was kind of saying that Mia would never let one of her kids go. But at the time, in the back of Ashley’s Polo, where the heating was on too high, and I was stretched out on his back seats but had really bad cramp in my right leg, I just felt like I’d be restoring things to their natural order, if I took her baby. Making things right again.

Of course, I didn’t do that. I mean, for one, Mia was still pregnant with her third child. I don’t know how far along she actually was but to me, she looked like she must have been due any day. But even if she wasn’t pregnant, I’d never have actually done anything about this. I’m just being upfront about this all because everyone found out about my crazy nightmares and thoughts later. But I did not do anything to harm Mia or any of the children. I just want to make that clear now. It was only a thought—just for a moment. I wasn’t ever going to act on it.

But I did go up to Bristol.

Dante Fiore : And now we’ve got Ashley Kincade coming into the studio. Hello, mate. You’re right on time. And just to confirm, Summer is still here.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : Yes, hello. [ She pauses ] I don’t know why I felt the need to say that. I’ve just been talking for, like, ages.

Dante Fiore : Adelaide James is also still here, too, though she’s purely a listener for this part.

So, Summer and Ash, go ahead, you guys. Whenever you’re ready.

[Silence for five seconds]

Summer Taylor-Braddon : Well, we’d better get started.

Ashley Kincade : It was almost dark when we arrived in Bristol. Ruari’s address was only about twenty minutes from the train station. Temple Meads, that is.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : And I was awake by then. Properly awake. And though I’d had those thoughts, those dreams, I knew I wasn’t actually going to do anything. In fact, I didn’t really know what I was doing up there.

Ashley Kincade : You said to me that we should go back.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : And you said that we could if that’s what I really wanted but that it seemed a shame when we’d just driven through the worst traffic ever to get there.

We didn’t go back though. We just got to the address—or rather, the road. Their house was at the end of a cul-de-sac, but there was nowhere to park down there, so we’d turned around.

Ashley Kincade : There were cars everywhere, parked. And I ended up driving back, quite a way, before we realized that I’d just have to drop you off.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : So, you dropped me off.

Ashley Kincade : Well, actually, I really cocked things up first, didn’t I?

[Silence for three seconds]

Summer Taylor-Braddon : I wouldn’t use that phrase, but, well...

Ashley Kincade : God, I can’t even believe I did that. Like, still. But yeah. Just before Summer got out the car, well... I made a pass at you, didn’t I?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : You... you decided that then was the best time to tell me you’d been in love with me all this time.

Ashley Kincade : [ He laughs ] I am still just so embarrassed by it all. But yeah, I’d been so nervous the whole way up to Bristol. And I was just thinking that you and him were going to get back together. That you’d... just fall in love again, and I’d have to watch you two be together all over again.

But I thought if I told you first, then it might change things. Change the pattern in the cosmos or whatever it is. That maybe you’d realize that Ruari could be with Mia and then you’d be with me. That there’d be a person for everyone.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : I can’t remember what I said.

Ashley Kincade : You said, “Uh, okay.” And then you got out the car, and you walked away.

Like, I’m still really sorry about that.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : It’s okay. So, yeah, you were going off to find somewhere to park, and then you were going to meet me at Ruari and Mia’s house. It was really cold too. It wasn’t snowing, but there had been snow. It had sort of turned to this gray slush at the sides of the pavement, but everywhere felt really slippery. I had to walk really carefully. And... well, as I walked, I realized someone was following me.

A woman. She was pretty small. Petite build. Immediately, I was just so annoyed. And so fed up. I wanted to scream at her. I assumed she was a reporter. A journalist. That she was going to hurl abuse at me.

But she didn’t. She didn’t say anything, until I was a few hundred yards from the address I had for Ruari and Mia.

And then she came right up to me, and I got a little worried. But my head was also hazy still, so I didn’t really register what she was saying to me at first.

But she was saying, “I’ll sort this for you.” Saying it over and over again.

Under a street light, I got a good look at her face. She was blond. Kind of beautiful, really. And she had these really earnest eyes. And she was still saying to me, “I’ll sort this for you.”

I sort of shook her off. I don’t know if I actually said anything back to her, but then she was just gone. Just like that. Vanished.

I began to wonder if I’d imagined it. If there’d been no one around at all. Like, I wouldn’t have been surprised if I’d been hallucinating.

There was a big icy patch outside the garden gate for number 11. That was their house. A frozen puddle, I think. And I tried to step around it, while reaching to open the gate, but I ended up sort of slipping on it anyway. I had Crocs on. Mum’s Crocs. I don’t know why. But I grabbed the gate to steady myself, and there was a sharp bit on the gate. It cut my hand.

Anyway, I was halfway down the path through the little garden when the front door opened. And I was sure that that was going to be it: the moment that I’d dreamed of. Where Ruari would look at me and he’d remember.

He’d remember everything.

But he didn’t.

Because it wasn’t.

It wasn’t him.

It was Mia.

She looked tired. That was the first thing I saw, and I don’t know how I saw her face so clearly when my vision was still a bit blurry. I had this pain in the back of my eyes, but the pain felt a bit like a comforting blanket by then. Reassurance.

She looked at me and her mouth dropped open. She said, “What are you doing?”

And I said, “Hello,” and then I didn’t know what to say. She looked about ready to drop—and I remember thinking how even though she was so obviously tired, she had this glow to her.

And then I was about to ask whether Ruari was in, when... It all happened so quickly.

There was just this blur of movement—like, really quick. And that woman—the blond one from a few moments earlier—she was here. I didn’t realize she was holding a knife at first. It was only when she was right in front of Mia, and when Mia made this strange noise, and then when Mia sort of fell in slow motion, reaching out to the doorframe, trying to catch herself on that—her fingers, just stretching out, but missing anything, grasping at empty air...

Mia fell, and the blond woman turned back to me, and she said, “I told you I’d sort it.”

Ashley Kincade : I heard the screams.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : It was me screaming. Mia didn’t make a sound. She just...

She didn’t make a sound.

Ashley Kincade : It was... Man, I don’t know.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : I had never seen that woman in my life before that day. I didn’t know who she was, or anything.

She just ran off.

And I was left with Mia, bleeding at my feet.

Of course, I tried to help her. And I had my phone in my pocket, so I was calling an ambulance. Had to wait for it to turn on though, because it was off. It was off in my pocket.

And I kept looking around. I thought the woman was still nearby. I could hear other shouts now—some sounded like her, but there were men’s voices too. I was so scared.

[Silence for six seconds]

Summer Taylor-Braddon : I called the ambulance.

Dante Fiore : And you’d already got Mia into the house then, hadn’t you?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : Yes. I don’t remember doing that, but I guess I did. I told the ambulance person on the phone that we were inside.

Ashley Kincade : When I arrived, you were scared to let me in at first—you thought it was someone else, didn’t you?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : I was so scared.

Ashley Kincade : But you let me in. Mia was still breathing, but it was erratic. And she was unconscious. I took over. On the phone to the emergency services, but also doing CPR. You’d started it by then, hadn’t you?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : I... I was so scared.

Dante Fiore : Are you okay, Summer?

Summer Taylor-Braddon : Yes. Sorry. Thank you.

Ashley Kincade : People were congregating outside, before the ambulance arrived. Neighbors, mainly. I think, anyway. But we didn’t open the door until it was the paramedics shouting.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : I... I think I knew then, that Mia was going to die. I... I felt so helpless.

Dante Fiore : I can’t imagine how traumatic it must have been for you.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : I’m glad Ruari wasn’t there. That he didn’t see.

But she wasn’t alone. When she...

Her breaths got all raspy. Right before the paramedics did arrive.

I held her hand.

She whispered my name, and she pointed up. At the ceiling.

Ashley Kincade : The paramedics arrived then. I let them in. They needed space, to work on Mia. They asked though if anyone else was in the house.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : That’s when I realized. Their daughter. She was upstairs.

I went upstairs. Sat with her. Made sure she didn’t come down.

Summer must’ve been two or three. I... She kept speaking, asking me where her mama was.

I’d thought the first time I met Ruari’s kids would be magical.

Instead it was... It was that. Then.

It was... [ She clears her throat ] There are no words for it, you know?

Ashley Kincade : Mia was pronounced dead at the scene. We didn’t know where Ruari was then, but there was concern. The police arrived. They were trying to locate him.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : Of course, people thought I’d done it. It didn’t matter that the Ring doorbell footage proved otherwise. People thought it was me—like, even weeks after the police had cleared me, there were so many people online who said it was me. Yet another trial by media.

That one was bad, too.

Really bad.

And they... they found out about my nightmares. About how I’d had these thoughts of taking back ‘my’ baby—those thoughts that I only had for a brief time. It was shortly after this all happened, that I just mentioned to a few people about them.

Ashely Kincade : We were at your house. Me and Dante, Hana and Julia. You.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : I just mentioned it in an offhand way.

Ashley Kincade : We’d opened a couple bottles of wine. We were... We were trying to decompress, I guess. And I was talking about the nightmares I’d had since. And you started talking about all the nightmares you’d had, since this whole thing started.

Summer Taylor-Braddon : And then a couple days later, suddenly the press all knew about my nightmares. No guesses, eh, who wrote that first new article?

Apparently ‘a source close to me’ had told Adelaide James. And then she said I’d been planning to abduct Mia’s children and cut the unborn baby out of her once she was dead.

I was pissed off. Only four people knew about my nightmare, and I asked them all—but each of them assured me they’d not said a word. I believed them. I really did. I didn’t think they’d betray me. So, I assumed that the room had been bugged again. Like at the hotel in Australia.

Bricks were thrown at our windows. There was this rag soaked with petrol pushed through our letter box.

Mum and I were moved into witness protection. We’re currently still there. Well, we’re in the process of getting new identities. But of course for this project, I’m using my old name. The name I can never use again.

Not even for writing. I don’t know which name I’ll publish under next, but that’s not the point.

##