Chapter 12
Duck
The desk clerk gave me an odd look when I checked into this hotel. Is it written all over my face that I’m a horrible wife and mother? Was that the reason for that look?
Even though it’s going to take a lot more than a little water to fix this, I cup my hand under the faucet and then cover my face in cool, refreshing water. It feels good, and for a second or two, I forget how terrible this night has been.
It all comes rushing back to me as soon as I stand up and see how bad I look. A minute and a couple tissues later, I don’t resemble a raccoon anymore, at least. That will do for tonight.
I walk out into the hotel room and one look at the two queen beds with the grey and black bedspreads makes me think of Marius.
He always chooses the one away from the window whenever we stay in a hotel.
He says it’s safer. Something about if someone crashes through the window then you won’t get hit by glass.
It has never failed to make me wonder what would happen after the person actually landed in the room, which makes me think being cut by glass would be the least of my problems.
Then again, as a man, he wouldn’t think like that, so flying shards of glass would be his biggest concern.
Sitting down on the bed near the hotel room door, I lie back and stare up at the ceiling. Thank God there are no water stains, or I’d have to request another room. I can’t stand seeing that above me when I’m in bed.
I try to think of anything but the fact that my husband and five month old daughter aren’t here with me, but it’s impossible. Everything in my daily life revolves around them. They’re as integral to my existence as air and food.
Then why am I here alone without them?
The answer to that question is simple yet complicated. Those are the worst kinds of answers. I hate them even more than I hate water stains on ceilings.
My phone vibrates in my purse, and even though I don’t know what to say to Marius, I can’t stop myself from checking if it’s him. What if something happened with Lily? I may not be there, but I’d want to know. I’m her mother.
All of that runs through my mind as I scurry over to where my luggage and purse are near the door. I quickly search for my cell phone, which of course has fallen to the very bottom of my purse, and finally lay my hand on it. I hurry to lift it out to see it’s Ava and answer it.
“Hey, Ava. What’s up?” I ask as casually as possible, knowing there’s a very good chance she already heard I’m not at my house tonight.
Few things stay a secret for long in the King family.
She doesn’t respond for a few seconds, so I have to fight the urge to fill in the dead space because I know if I do, I’ll just fall apart. I press my lips together to keep the words from tumbling out, but thankfully, she apologizes and says one of the boys needed something.
“Did Marius tell you about my idea to get together, all four of us, this week? He said he was going to talk to you about it when you got home. I meant to mention it to you, but I swear only half my brain is working lately.”
I try to remember if Marius said anything about what Ava’s talking about, but my brain seems to be acting like scrambled eggs. “Um, I’m not sure.”
“He forgot, didn’t he? I guess I can’t blame him. When I talked to him earlier, he sounded a little frazzled. Oh, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that! Please don’t tell him I said that. He’s trying so hard to be Father of the Year. I told him he’s doing fine with Lily.”
Hearing my best friend talk about how wonderful Marius is doing at fatherhood makes my emotions unravel, and I begin to cry. God, I didn’t want to break down into a sobbing mess again!
I try to hide the sound of my sadness, but I don’t do a very good job, and Ava asks, “What’s going on? Why are you crying?”
As much as I don’t want to dump my problems on another new mother, I can’t stop myself. “Because I’m doing terrible at it!”
“Terrible at what?” she asks, clearly not understanding my issue. Then again, why should she? I haven’t said a peep about how I feel about motherhood to a soul this whole time.
“Being a mother,” I sob before falling back onto the bed and covering my eyes, embarrassed I’m crying and hating how bad I am at the one thing I wanted to do well.
“What are you talking about? You’re a great mom. You love Lily, and you took to being a mom like a duck to water.”
“No, I didn’t. It’s all a lie. A complete act. That’s the reason why she still doesn’t sleep through the night. I’m terrible at being her mother.”
I don’t know why I single out Lily’s inability or unwillingness to sleep all night like it’s the biggest problem I have with being her mother. It’s one problem, but it’s nothing close to being the worst one.
“Oh, Eden. All babies are different. I don’t think I slept through the night until I was nearly a year old.
My kids do it early, but I’m guessing that comes from Matthias’s side since it obviously isn’t from me.
She’ll get the hang of it, and then you’ll see how it’s just something each baby has to find in their own time. ”
Why that makes me cry even harder I don’t know, but I can barely hear Ava through my sobs and sniffles. “That’s not it. It’s everything. Everything about being a mother feels wrong for me. I don’t think I’m ever going to be good at it.”
“Oh, that’s not true! Don’t say that. You’re already a great mom. And Marius is a great dad. You guys are both terrific parents. It’s just that this is all new to you. Trust me. You’ll get the hang of it. I know you will.”
I wipe my eyes, sure whatever mascara that was left on my lashes has again made it down onto my cheeks, and sit up. “No, you’re wrong. Marius is great at it. I’m not. I don’t think I’ll ever be. I feel like everyone knows I’m not good at it too.”
“Aww, honey. Nobody thinks that. I can say that for a fact. Nobody thinks you’re a bad mom. Not one single person.”
Sniffling, I let out a heavy sigh, exhausted from feeling bad all the time and then fighting with Marius tonight.
“That’s nice of you to say, but it’s not true.
I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anyone.
I couldn’t wait to go back to work. I didn’t want to stay home all day.
It made me practically go stir crazy. I’m not kidding.
If Marius had said he really wished I’d stay home instead of returning to my job, I think we would have had a horrible fight and he would have seen how I really felt about being a mother.
What kind of person doesn’t want to be with her child in the first months of her life? ”
She doesn’t need to answer that question. I already know what kind of mother doesn’t want to be around her child every day. A bad mother.
Ava doesn’t say anything for a long moment, probably because she’s horrified to know the person she calls her best friend is a goddamned monster. I don’t blame her. She loves being a mother. She’s given birth to three children and loved being pregnant every time.
“You know, not every woman wants to spend every hour of the day with their children. That doesn’t make you a bad person,” she says, trying so hard to make me feel better.
“Can I get something else off my chest? I need to tell someone who won’t think badly of me.”
“Oh, sure you can, honey. I’m all ears.”
For nearly a year and a half, the feelings inside me have stayed bottled up. Tonight, I have to let them out. I only hope Ava doesn’t hate me afterward.
“I hated being pregnant. It was the worst experience of my life. You saw me. I was sick for nearly the whole time. After the initial few weeks of being happy to be pregnant, every moment until Lily was born was awful. If I wasn’t throwing up after every meal, I was forced to be off my feet because my legs swelled up so I couldn’t even walk. ”
“Well, you did have a rough pregnancy. I’m not sure I’d have anything good to say about it if any of mine made me sick and puffy like you had.”
“Those weren’t even the worst parts of the nine months.
I felt ugly the entire time, especially after gaining nearly fifty pounds, and my emotions ran the gamut from sadder than I ever thought I could feel to so angry I could have chewed through steel.
I spent nearly a year trying to manage my emotional state so nobody knew that I thought I was going insane. ”
“It’s a very emotional time,” she says, as if she’s reaching for anything to be supportive.
Now I have to say the hardest words I’ve ever spoken.
“I’d hoped things would get better once I had the baby, but those maternal feelings everybody, including you, talk about never seemed to form.
I love Lily as much as I love Marius, but shouldn’t that love be different?
I thought mothers were supposed to feel a special kind of love for their children.
I don’t know why, but I just feel regular love. ”
I take a breath before telling her the worst of what’s been on my mind.
“And all this time, I’ve watched Marius take to fatherhood like it’s second nature for him.
Lily’s face lights up when she sees him.
She never looks like that with me, but how can I blame her?
She knows there’s something wrong with her mother. ”
“There is nothing wrong with you, Eden. Don’t let me ever hear you say that again. Nothing, and I mean it. You’re a kind person who would help someone with your last breath. So what if you’re not the kind of mom I am or anyone else is? You’re you, and that’s exactly who you need to be for Lily.”
Desperate for a drink since all this talking and crying has made my mouth feel like I’ve been chewing on cotton, I walk into the bathroom and fill the glass with tap water.
It tastes metallic, but I’d drink a gallon of the stuff to chase away how parched I am.
I glance at the mirror and see my face is just as I suspected.
I look a mess again.