Chapter Eighteen
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Gem
Leading Kelsey around Natureland turned out to be the most fun I’d had in weeks, excluding the nights I’d had with Finn. Kelsey was funny and sweet and at the age where all she wanted to do was ask questions. She patiently listened while I read some of the information to her about what we were looking at before launching into a thousand questions from “Do these meerkats have names? Like Aleksandr from the TV?”—thanks Compare the Market for that one—to “Why is the sea blue?” and “Why don’t I have a tail?” It reminded me of spending time with my nephew, who was nearly eight now but had asked similar things in the past.
I knew some people found kids annoying because of it, but it always just made me laugh. There was something adorable about the way kids just said whatever popped into their heads. Kelsey had already asked me why I was wearing such an old person jacket, but then told me it was okay because I was pretty old anyway.
Chantelle had been slightly horrified and tried to remind Kelsey that she had to say nice things to people. Kelsey’s response had been to tell me she liked my beard because it was orange, which I’d taken as a compliment. I hadn’t intended to grow any kind of beard or stubble, but my desire to shave had nosedived over the past few weeks due to exhaustion. I’d shave it later when the shop opened. For now, I was just going to embrace the ginger beard.
“Are you okay?” Finn asked me as we stood by the main seal pool watching the keeper feed them. Kelsey stood near the pool wall with Chantelle, watching with rapt fascination. “Sorry Kelsey kidnapped you.”
“It’s fine,” I said. “She’s cute. And it gave you a chance to chat with Chantelle.”
“Thanks.” Finn smiled at me, and my fucking heart melted. God fucking dammit, there was no way I was getting out of whatever we were doing alive. I’d told myself I didn’t want another relationship and that getting involved with Finn was just meant to be fun, but now I was starting to see how much of a lie that was. “You’re really good with her.”
“She makes me think of my nephew. He’s got the same kind of energy.”
“That’s sweet,” Finn said. “Do you… Would you… ever want kids? I know it’s not for everyone, and I know a lot of queer people who think it’s quite… heteronormative? Plus, kids are expensive, and parenting is hard, so—”
He was rambling now like he always did when he was nervous, and it was adorable. Without thinking, I reached out and let my hand brush against his. “Maybe. I mean, if I was in the right relationship. Could be fun.” I grinned. “I mean that in a kinda this is an Indiana-Jones-style adventure complete with a ton of booby traps and people screaming , but y’know, could be interesting.”
Finn chuckled. “That’s one way to put it.”
“What about you?” I had no idea why I was suddenly so fucking nervous about Finn’s answer. It wasn’t like we were planning on having kids together. But now that I’d asked, my whole body was tighter than a stubborn shoelace knot.
“I think so too. I know it’s hard, and Chantelle has never been afraid to tell me about the realities of parenting, but it hasn’t put me off yet. I think I’m just more aware of how tough it really is and in awe of the fact that she does it by herself,” Finn said. The knot in my chest loosened, and it felt like a door had opened somewhere, but it was somewhere I hadn’t reached yet.
“Kelsey’s dad’s not around?”
“He is.” Finn’s face pinched. “And she still sees him, but I wouldn’t really call him a parent. He’s more interested in his new girlfriends and knocking them up than parenting the children he’s already got.” He shook his head. “Sorry, that was very rude of me. I just… have opinions.”
“It’s fine,” I said. “I won’t tell.”
“I mean, Chantelle already knows how I feel because she feels the same. It just sucks for Kelsey because I think she already knows her dad is losing interest in her, and she’s only five.”
“That’s bollocks.” Guys like that pissed me the fuck off, and a lance of anger pierced my heart. I’d only known Kelsey for a few hours, but I already knew she was a fucking sweetheart who deserved the world. And Chantelle was a fucking goddess for everything she did. “Men suck.”
“They do.” Finn nodded. “And not in a good way.”
“What are you two talking about?” Chantelle asked, and I realised feeding time had finished.
“Nothing much,” Finn said. “Just wondering what to do next. Shall we walk down the beach a little? Maybe see if we can get some fish and chips? It would be a bit early for dinner, but…”
“That sounds amazing,” Chantelle said. She looked at Kelsey who had started to eye up the gift shop and the display of stuffed animals. “She’s starting to get tired, so we don’t have to stay out long, but she loves the sea.”
“Mummy…” Kelsey called, and I knew exactly what was coming next. Chantelle sighed but smiled.
“I’m not getting out of here without getting her a toy, am I?”
“Probably not,” said Finn.
“I’ll get it,” I said. “As a thanks for letting me tag along today. It’s been fun.”
“Y’know, I feel like I should be thanking you for looking after her.”
“It’s fine. I don’t mind.” I turned and walked towards the little gift shop, fully expecting to find Kelsey knee-deep in a display of toy seals. As I walked away, I heard Chantelle mutter, “I like this one, Finn. You need to keep him.”
We didn’t spend long on the beach because there was an evil wind blowing off the sea that froze everything it touched. Kelsey was starting to fade, and one bout of tears was enough to convince us it was time to go back to Finn’s.
Kelsey fell asleep as soon as the car started, and Finn promised Chantelle and me that he’d get us fish and chips from a place near his house since we hadn’t wanted to disturb Kelsey. Chantelle hopped into the back seat, telling us she was tired too and would probably doze, so I sat in the front next to Finn, and we chatted quietly all the way home.
I was exhausted but in a different way than usual. Less of a soul-sucking, what the fuck am I doing sort of exhaustion and more the fun day out, running around kind. I still had to drive back to Lincoln tonight, and even though it was only a thirty- minute drive, the thought made me wince. Maybe I’d just ask Finn if I could crash on his sofa instead.
When we got back to Finn’s, Chantelle planted Kelsey on the sofa under a blanket with Encanto on the TV. She was still clutching her new seal toy and staring happily at the lush, musical fantasy. I hadn’t seen it for ages, and I kept trying to watch bits of it out of the corner of my eye as we put together a quick list for the chippy. I already knew I was going to have “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” stuck in my head for days.
“I’ll go,” said Finn, scooping up the list and patting the back pocket of his jeans to make sure his wallet was there.
“Are you sure?” I asked. I was suddenly nervous about being left with Chantelle, even though we’d been chatting amicably throughout the day, because I had the growing feeling I was going to be ambushed.
“I’m sure. I won’t be long.” Finn headed for the door. “Help yourselves to drinks.”
The door shut behind him, leaving Chantelle and me alone in the kitchen while the musical stylings of Lin-Manuel Miranda filled the silence.
“So,” I said, searching for something to say. I wasn’t sure why I was so worried, but maybe it was because she was Finn’s best friend. She knew him inside out, and I doubted they had any secrets from each other. If Finn hadn’t told her we were fucking, I was sure she’d have guessed. “Did you want a drink? Cup of tea maybe? Or a glass of wine? I know Finn bought a bottle of rosé.”
“He’s a sweetie,” she said with a smile. “I know he hates it, so he only bought it for me. I can’t drink a whole bottle though. Well, I shouldn’t, not with Kelsey here. My tolerance is shot these days. Only takes a couple of glasses and I’ll be asleep.” She laughed.
“I’ll have one with you. Can’t let it go to waste,” I said as I opened the fridge and pulled out the very nice bottle of wine Finn had bought. Then I tried to remember where he kept the glasses.
“I tell you eighteen-year-old me would think I was boring as… something.” Chantelle glanced at the living room where Kelsey was still mesmerised and lowered her voice. “I’m trying to swear less. Her dad does it all the time, and she’s started repeating it at school. So we’re cutting down on bad words.”
“My nephew’s the same,” I said, opening various cupboards until I found what I wanted. “My sister had to explain to him that just because she and his dad said some things that didn’t mean he could too. I don’t know how well it worked since I got told off for swearing when I went up for Christmas.” I poured two large glasses of wine and handed one to Chantelle. She thanked me and took a slow sip.
“Oh, that’s nice. Finn always did have good taste.”
I sipped my own glass. Chantelle was right; the wine was good—sweet and fruity and incredibly drinkable. I could see us getting through the bottle very quickly if we weren’t careful.
“How long have you two been together, then?” Chantelle asked, giving me a wry smile over the rim of her glass. I nearly fucking choked.
“What?”
“Come on. I’m not a total idiot. It’s obvious you two are waaay into each other.”
“Er… I mean…” My brain ran through my entire list of swear words and then some. Finally, I just asked a question. “Really? That obvious?”
“Of course. I mean, maybe not to everyone, but it is to me. I’ve known Finn for years, though, so maybe not everyone would notice. Why? Did you think you were being subtle?”
“Kind of.”
Chantelle hummed at me like she didn’t believe a word of what I was saying. I decided just to tell her the truth. “We’re not dating, though… We’re just friends.”
“With added extras?” She grinned and sipped her wine. “Don’t worry. I already knew that.”
“I thought so.”
“Don’t be mad at Finn. I guessed.”
“I’m not… I wouldn’t.” I couldn’t ever be mad at Finn for telling her, even if she hadn’t guessed. It was nice for him to have someone to talk to about whatever this was. I didn’t even know what it was anymore. It was getting messier by the day, and my growing feelings weren’t helping. I’d been so sure I could keep them separate, but that had been a lie. Today had shown me what my life could be like if Finn and I were together, and the picture had etched itself onto my heart, one painful stroke at a time. I was starting to want things I’d told myself it was pointless to dream about—love, a home, and a family.
“Oh my God,” Chantelle said, interrupting my thoughts and sounding practically giddy. “You like Finn. Like proper like him.” She grabbed my arm, beaming at me from ear to ear. “You do, right? Like not just as friends!”
“Maybe,” I said, trying to stop the warning sirens in my brain from screaming mayday. I’d only just started to admit it to myself, so I had no fucking clue how to admit it to someone else. Chantelle raised her eyebrows and gave me a pointed look. “I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it all out. And I have no idea if he feels the same.”
“If you really can’t tell, then you don’t know Finn at all. Do you really think he’d start something with you if he thought you were just a friend? I’ve known him for ten years, and he’s never been one for casual shi—stuff.” Chantelle frowned and sipped her wine. “I’m not going to say more because this is something you two have got to figure out for yourselves. Even if I want to knock your freakin’ heads together. Just… think about what you’re doing, okay? And if you hurt him, then there’s nowhere you can hide from me.”
I chuckled, but it was a weak one. “I don’t doubt it.” I opened my mouth to ask her a question about Finn and whether she really thought he felt the same, but the door clattered open, and the man in question appeared clutching a large plastic bag. His hair was ruffled from the wind and his cheeks flushed from the cold, but he looked so fucking gorgeous I thought my heart had fucking stopped.
“Oh, good, I see you found the wine,” he said as he shut the door. “How is it?”
“It’s perfect,” Chantelle said, pouring herself another glass and topping mine up.
“Good. I wasn’t sure what to get, so I got some recommendations from Oscar. He’s good with rosé.” He put the bag—which had already started filling the room with the smell of fish and chips—on the side and got some plates out. “Shall we finish watching the film with Kelsey or eat in here?”
“We’ll eat in here,” Chantelle said, transferring things to the small dining table wedged into the corner. “I don’t want her getting ketchup on your sofa.”
“Okay, we can do that.” Finn bustled around the kitchen, dishing things up while Chantelle went to fetch Kelsey. I heard her promise she could finish the film after she’d eaten. Meanwhile, I watched Finn with the growing feeling in my heart that I was never going to be able to walk away from him.
Not without one or both of us getting hurt.