Chapter Twenty-Four
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Gem
I knew I’d been a grumpy bastard for a couple of days, but it wasn’t for the reason Finn thought. The roof repairs and rapidly approaching opening might have been stressful, but there wasn’t much I could do about them except keep going and throw as much time and energy at them as I could. They weren’t the problem.
The thing that was eating me up inside was the knowledge of Finn’s side hustle and the dawning realisation that I had to tell him I knew soon before I blurted his secret out at the worst moment possible. Like when he was inside me or had my cock halfway down his throat. I needed him to know that I knew and that I didn’t have a problem with it—that I had the very opposite of a problem with it, whatever the fuck that was.
The fact that we’d practically been on a date two days ago had solidified the fact in my mind because I was starting to have very real feelings for Finn. But every time I thought about bringing it up, I found myself at a total loss for words. I still had no idea how the fuck I’d even start the conversation.
“Gem? You okay?” Finn’s words cut through my thoughts, and I realised I was staring off into space while holding a paintbrush that was dripping onto the sheet under my feet. We’d been trying to repaint the upstairs back wall, but my brain had decided to wander off.
“Yeah, just thinking,” I said.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” I looked at the wall and my paintbrush, wondering whether I should lie. “Do you think the wall is dry enough to do this?”
“I think so.” Finn frowned, putting his hand out to touch it. “But we can leave the dehumidifiers on for another few days. You’ve got them until the weekend, right?”
I nodded. “They’re picking them up Friday. Cutting it a bit close, but it’ll be fine.” The shop was opening at nine thirty on Saturday morning come hell or high water, even if it meant I’d be there all night stocking shelves, tidying, and generally trying to make it look presentable. If I needed to exist purely on Iron-Bru, Monster, and Red Bull for a day or two, I’d survive. I was following Jay’s lead and closing on Monday, so I could crash then. “Besides,” I added, “this is going behind a load of shelves. Nobody is going to look too closely.”
“Are you moving things, then?” Finn asked as he looked at the mess of bookshelves and units abandoned in the middle of the room.
“I think so, just to make sure the worst bits are covered up.” I put the paintbrush down in the tray. “And I’ll get some of those mini moisture absorber pots to slide in around the shelves, just in case.” There was a bang from above us and an angry cry followed by some muffled arguing. I grinned. I was used to the noise Stefan and co made by now, and it was going to be odd when they finished up this afternoon. There hadn’t been any nasty surprises in the roof—like the whole thing needing to be replaced—but Stefan had been muttering darkly about old buildings and landlords last night. At least mine hadn’t put up any resistance to paying, but I got the feeling Stefan had left a note on the quote along the lines of “We do x , y , and z now, or you pay for a whole new roof in the next year.”
I really ought to learn something about building maintenance, just for my own benefit and so I had some fucking clue what people were talking about when they mentioned joists or insulation or tiling.
“That works,” said Finn, wincing at another hammering sound. “When do you want to move everything?”
“As soon as it’s all dry.” I shrugged. “It’ll probably be Thursday or Friday.”
Finn’s face pinched, and I could see his anxiety rearing its ugly head. I got the feeling Finn liked things to be done with plenty of time to spare, and this was not going to be one of those times. “Oh… that’s a little—”
“Late? Yeah, I know. I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“No, but I’m doing my best not to panic,” I said, hoping that if I said it out loud it would squash some of the fear rising inside me. “I promised I’d be positive. This is what I’ve got.”
“Okay.” Finn nodded. “I, er, I’ll try to help as much as I can, but…”
He trailed off, and I smiled. “It’s okay. I know you have your own job to do. You can’t do mine as well.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m just starting to fall a little behind, and it’s absolutely not your fault at all. It’s just I’ve slightly overbooked myself, and I also have—”
“A side hustle too?” Finn stared at me as the words fell out of my mouth. “Shit. I didn’t mean to say that. This wasn’t how I wanted this conversation to go.”
“Side hustle?” Finn’s voice had gone very quiet but with a noticeable tremble of panic. “Conversation?”
“Yeah.” I sighed and ran my hands over my hair as I tried to work out what the fuck to say. “I know about your… side project. Your audio blog on MyFans.” All the colour drained out of Finn’s face until he looked like an anaemic vampire. “At least, I’m pretty sure it’s you, and by the look on your face, I’m guessing I’m right?”
“H-how? How did you find me? I’m so careful.” There was an audible note of panic in his voice now, and I could practically hear his heart pounding. A wave of cold fear washed over me. “I’ve never told anyone… I don’t. I always…”
“Hey, it’s okay,” I said, reaching out for him. Finn recoiled and took a step back, his face contorted in terror. My heart sank. This was an utter shitshow and everything I’d wanted to avoid. “Nobody else knows. It’s just me. And I didn’t set out to find something on you for nefarious purposes or some shit like that. I, er, I’ve actually had a subscription for a while.” I put my hands up, trying desperately to defuse the tension. But I’d never been good in situations like this. “I didn’t know it was you. I just thought it was really fucking sexy. But then we started hanging out more and having sex, and I heard your Q&A, and I saw a note in your diary, and it fit with something you’d posted… It was just tiny puzzle pieces really. That, and the fact that I really wanted it to be you because… I… because…”
The last words wouldn’t come. They were stuck in my mouth like they’d attached themselves with Gorilla Glue. Finn was still staring at me with horror like I’d morphed into some sort of gribbly eldritch being before his very eyes.
“How long?”
“Not long, I promise,” I said. “I had an inkling for a couple of months, but I thought that was just me being desperate. But only in the last week or so. When I, er, when I came back to yours after the roof leaked.”
“Oh.” It was such a small, defeated sound, and it wrenched my heart in two with the force of an exploding star. “I’m sorry.”
“What? Why are you apologising?” I stepped towards him again and this time Finn stayed still, but when I reached out to touch him, he was stiff, frozen in place by fear. “You have nothing to apologise for.”
“I do. I didn’t mean to keep it a secret, but nobody was ever supposed to know.”
“Why not?”
“Because they weren’t,” Finn snapped. “It was private. For me. And I know what most people think about any form of sex work. I’m un-datable enough as it is without throwing that into the mix.”
“What the fuck do you mean by that? You’re fucking amazing, Finn. Why the fuck would you think that?”
“Just look at me.” Finn gestured to himself, and I frowned.
“I am looking at you,” I said. “You’re fucking gorgeous.”
Finn rolled his eyes. “You only think that because we’re fucking. You’d never have even noticed me if I hadn’t offered.”
“That’s not true.” But it wasn’t a point I could prove. I couldn’t pull my memories out of my head and show them to him. All I could do was put my thoughts into words and hope he believed me, but at this point I wasn’t sure he did. Finn’s fear had taken over, and it was an emotion that was hard to argue with.
“Right, of course you would have.” I’d never heard Finn sound so angry and upset, but I could see the desperation in his eyes. I didn’t know if he wanted me to leave or stay, and I didn’t think he knew what he wanted either. “Look at me, Gem. I’m a nerd’s nerd. I’m tall and lanky and quiet and so shy I can’t even talk to most people. I like anime and old video games, and that’s fine. I’m not ashamed of that. But you can’t look at me and tell me I’m some walking wet dream because I own a fucking mirror, and I know you’d be lying.”
“So? I love all that stuff. I love you, you bloody idiot.”
Silence.
Finn’s mouth opened, then closed again. Mine stayed hanging open like some weird fucking fish. Of all the moments for those words to come out, now had to be one of the worst. And I’d called him a bloody idiot on top of it. If there was a bloody idiot here, it was definitely me.
“You don’t mean that,” Finn said, taking another step back towards the stairs. “You don’t. You don’t love me. You can’t.”
“I can, and I do.”
“No… Why?”
“Do you want me to list the reasons? Because I will. Or do you not want me to be in love with you?” I forced myself to say the second part out loud, even if it nearly broke me. I’d never thought Finn would reject me like this. Nothing that had happened in the past few months had made me think it was a possibility.
“No… I… I want that. But I can’t let you love me. Because I’m not right for you, and I’m so scared you’ll wake up one day and wonder what the hell you’ve done with your life. You say you love me, and you say that you don’t mind about the audio, but that’s now. One day, you’ll feel different, and I can’t take that pain. Because I… I…” Finn looked like he was about to vomit. He clapped his hand to his mouth. Then he turned and ran for the stairs, his feet thudding on the wood.
It took me a second to work out what he was doing. As soon as I did, I followed him, thundering down the stairs like I was leading a full battle charge. “Finn, wait!”
He was already at the door. “I’m sorry,” he said. He looked so dejected, and all I wanted was a way to make him stop. To stay here, with me, so we could talk this shit out. But Finn was overwhelmed and drowning in emotion, and I couldn’t do anything but let him walk out the door.
It closed with a bang, leaving me staring out into the street and wishing I could have made him stay.
All I could do was hope he’d come back to me or that I could find a way to reach him.