Chapter Twenty-Five
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Finn
My self-pitying wallowing on the sofa later that evening was interrupted by the front door banging open. I was given less than two seconds to process everything before I heard Eli cry, “Where is my beautiful baby brother? What mortal has injured his soul thusly? I shall smite them!”
“Calm down, dickhead,” Jules added. “You’re not fucking Shakespeare.”
“This is true,” Eli said. I turned my head inside my blanket pile to see Eli, Jules, Lewis, and Oscar standing in my kitchen, and the sight of them made everything a million times worse. How had they found out I was a mess? And how much did they know about what had happened? Fear and shame and anxiety spun in my chest like they were on the world’s most dramatic spin cycle. I wanted them here, but I didn’t, and it was for the same reason: because they were my family.
The fact that Oscar, who I hadn’t seen since Christmas, was there intensified everything. He was the one who’d always looked out for me, even when I hadn’t needed it, and I hated the idea that he’d come home for a break and had to deal with my mess. Or even worse, disturbed his life and time off just to come and look after me.
It was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and from deep within my blanket fortress I started to wail. Which was completely the wrong move. The four of them saw me as if their vision was dependent on movement—or possibly distress—and they all piled into the living room and onto the sofa, engulfing me in a crushing pile of bodies. Jules grabbed me so tightly in her arms I wasn’t sure whether I could breathe while Lewis slid off the cushions and onto the floor, making soothing noises and telling me to breathe. Eli was muttering something about death and destruction while Oscar reached through a gap in the blanket to find my hand, stroking the back with his thumb.
It was overwhelming and adorable all at once, and they all just sat there while I sobbed. I knew crying was healthy, but I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed. This was a situation of my own making, and yet here I was crying as if I’d been the one who’d been wronged. I’d known from the start that things with Gem were going to end badly, but I’d still insisted on pursuing whatever we’d been doing.
“It’s okay,” I heard Lewis say softly, his hand reaching out to squeeze my knee. “Whatever it is, we can fix it.”
“We can,” Oscar said. “I promise.”
“Do you think Mimbles and Paul would let us bury a body under their vegetable garden?” Eli asked. There was a soft thump and an indignant yelp, so I guessed someone had hit him. “What? I’m just saying. It’s always worth asking! Unless you know someone with pigs.”
“You’re not helping,” Jules said.
“Neither are you. Let the poor man go. I doubt he can breathe with your biceps wrapped around his neck.” I let out a weak, snotty chuckle as Jules released me, and Eli gasped triumphantly. “He lives!”
“I’m fine,” I said, emerging from my blanket cocoon so I could look at them all properly. “You didn’t need to come.”
“Yes, we did. Don’t be silly,” Lewis said.
“And you don’t have to say you’re fine either,” said Oscar as he reached out to brush hair off my face. “You don’t have to lie to us.”
“I’m not…” They all glared at me. “Fine, but this is a mess of my own making, so it’s probably what I deserve.”
“Bollocks,” Eli said. He sat on the other side of Oscar but was leaning across him as far as possible. “Nobody deserves to be sad.”
“Exactly,” added Jules. “You wanna tell us what happened?”
“Not really.”
“Okay, let me rephrase,” said Eli. “Please tell us what happened. Or we’ll have to get it out of you in other ways.”
“Like?”
“I don’t know. Tickle you or something.” He shrugged and grinned. “Come on. We promise never to judge you. We love you, and if we can forgive Lewis for dating a smoking hot celebrity in secret”—Lewis made an indignant sound which Eli ignored—“or Richard for being straight, then we can forgive anything.”
“This is about Gem, right?” Lewis asked, looking up at me with a soft expression, his pink hair falling into his eyes. “He messaged me and asked me to check in on you, but he didn’t say why. You two were dating?”
“You had a boyfriend? And didn’t tell us?” Eli gasped.
“You didn’t tell us about your boyfriend either,” Jules pointed out. Eli waved a hand dismissively.
“That was different. Tristan is Dick’s best friend, and I knew it would cause trouble. And the fact that he punched me in the face is proof of that.”
I chuckled as I remembered that Sunday. It would be seared into the family memory forever. “I think that was even better than the pasta salad incident.”
“I’m almost sad I missed it,” Oscar said. “At least Lewis sent me the video.”
“Yeah, don’t tell Mum you saw it,” Lewis said. “She wanted me to delete it.”
“Where is it now?” Jules asked.
“On my Dropbox.” Lewis shrugged, wobbling slightly where he was crouched. “Just in case I ever need it.”
“All’s fair in love and war,” Eli said. “But we’re getting off topic.” I sighed, realising they weren’t going to stay distracted forever. “Come on. Tell us everything. Did you get dumped?”
“No, not really.”
“Good, because if so, I would have wanted to do illegal, exploratory brain surgery on Gem to find out what the fuck was wrong with him,” Eli said. “You’re perfect.”
“I’m really not,” I said. Oscar squeezed my hand tighter, and I knew I had to tell them everything, no matter how embarrassing it was. Mostly because I knew if I didn’t, at least one of them would be able to tell I was leaving something out. They could all smell a plot hole at two hundred feet, and they all knew me well enough to know when I was lying. “Just promise me you won’t judge me and that you won’t tell anyone else.”
“Promise,” Oscar said with an encouraging smile.
“And no murdering Gem. This isn’t his fault.”
“If you’re sure,” Eli said.
“I am.” I took a deep breath. “I guess this started in January. Or maybe before that. I’m not sure. I’ve had a crush on Gem since we met, but in January, he got dumped by the guy he was seeing—well, ghosted really—and then his ex turned up at The Lost World’s birthday party with his new fling. Anyway, I guess I thought I might have a chance, and then, when I was helping Gem with the whole new shop thing, we started… we started hooking up.”
“Oh?” Lewis had a wry smile on his face.
“Yes,” I said, ignoring the undertone in his voice that suggested trouble. “We’re… compatible.”
“Sounds sexy,” Eli said. I ignored him but couldn’t help smiling when Lewis shot him a withering look and Oscar kicked him in the shin.
“Anyway,” I continued. “Everything was fine, but—”
“You caught feelings?” Oscar asked. “Or you couldn’t ignore the feelings you had and then you told Gem, and he was a dick about it?”
“No, it wasn’t that. Well, I did—do—have feelings for him. And I think… I know now that Gem feels the same…”
“What’s the problem, then?” Jules asked, her brow furrowing in confusion. “If you both like each other and the sex was good—I’m assuming it was—what went wrong?”
“It’s not him at all. It’s me.” I sighed. “He found… He…” I felt my skin heating like I was face to face with the sun. I’d never been so embarrassed in all my life. There had to be some way for me to get around this without telling my siblings what was really going on.
“Oooh, secret sex tape? Collection of naughty things under your bed? Tentacle porn? Oooh, furry porn?” Eli asked, a gleeful smile on his face. “It has to be something salacious. It’s always the quiet ones.”
“Don’t be a bellend,” Lewis said and smacked Eli’s leg. “Whatever Finn does or doesn’t like has absolutely nothing to do with you. And as long as it’s all safe and consensual, then there’s nothing wrong with any of it.”
“I know that.” Eli huffed. “I’m not an idiot.”
“Then stop acting like one,” Jules said.
“I’m not!”
“Yeah, you were.”
Eli said nothing but stuck his tongue out. Oscar groaned, and I chuckled weakly. “Look, I’ll tell you, but it doesn’t go any further. Ever. Do you promise?” I held out my little finger, and they all shook it solemnly with their own. We’d been pinky swearing since we were kids, and I’d never expected to do it as adults. Beside me, Oscar was starting to look nervous.
“Is it something we should be worried about? You’re starting to scare me.”
“No, it’s not. I, er… Fuck… For the last three years, I’ve been recording audio porn as a side job, and I have a fansite, which none of you are ever allowed to go looking for. Anyway, Gem found out about it and told me he knew, and I freaked the fuck out, even though he told me it wasn’t a big deal and that he actually liked it and thought it was cool, and I think he said something about membership, but I wasn’t really listening at that point, and…”
“Finn. Breathe,” Lewis said, patting my knee. I inhaled. Then looked around. They were all staring at me with a range of expressions on their faces. Lewis was grinning and didn’t seem surprised, Jules looked oddly impressed, Oscar’s brain seemed to have melted like his impression of me had utterly inverted, and Eli was staring at me slack-jawed, his eyebrows so high they looked like they might disappear into his hairline.
“So, yes… the reason things fell apart is because I panicked and ran away.”
“Had you ever planned on telling him?” Jules asked. Her voice was surprisingly calm.
“Maybe? I don’t know. I’d never gotten that far in my plans. Chantelle was encouraging me to tell him, because she’s always known about my… side hustle, but I wasn’t sure.”
“Well, he knows now. And you said he doesn’t mind, so what’s the problem?”
“I… I don’t know,” I said. “I just… I was so afraid he wouldn’t want me anymore and that I’d lose not only one of my best friends but the man I’m in love with. I’m not the sort of person who gets many chances, and I didn’t want to ruin it, and even though he thinks its fine, what if he decides it’s not? What if he hates it? And hates me for doing it?”
“You said he had a membership,” Lewis said. “Or at least implied it. I don’t think he’s going to have a problem with it. In fact, he probably thinks it’s really sexy, and you can do all sorts of filthy things to each other. Although, I’m guessing you’ve been doing that already, so you can keep doing all sorts of deliciously filthy things together.” He winked, and I chuckled.
Oscar sighed. “This family doesn’t really do boundaries, do we?”
“Oh, come on. We’d be boring if we did. Besides, it’s not like Finn’s giving us the details,” Lewis said, rolling his eyes. “And it’s kinda cool our baby brother is a sexual entrepreneur.”
“Please don’t say it like that,” I said.
“I still think it’s cool though,” Lewis said. “And I think you need to talk to Gem.”
“Agreed,” Jules said. Oscar nodded. The four of us turned to Eli, who was still staring. Silent for once in his life.
“Holy shit,” whispered Lewis. “I think you broke Eli.”
“I’m not broken,” Eli said, his voice deathly quiet and slightly high-pitched like he was trying to keep himself from exploding and making everything worse. I appreciated his restraint. “I’m just processing that our beloved baby brother, who we’ve all snuggled since we met him and who is an adorable, soft, cinnamon bun of a human being is apparently some sort of verbal incubus. I mean…”
“Aww, he’s just jealous he’s not the most interesting one anymore,” Jules said with a laugh.
“Am not!”
“No, Eli is definitely the most interesting,” I said quickly. “Especially because this secret is never to leave this room.”
“We promise,” Oscar said. “Right?”
The others nodded, and Eli sighed dramatically. “Like I said, it’s always the quiet ones.”