Chapter Twenty-Two
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Oscar
“Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why, Mario, why?” The blue Nintendo Switch controller vibrated in my hand as I watched Mario plummet to his death off the side of the platform for the third time in as many minutes. Next to me, Finn chuckled as his Princess Peach avatar twirled her parasol in satisfaction.
“You are really not good at this game,” Finn said as the clock ran out and the screen once again declared him the winner. We were sitting on one of the plush sofas in Lewis’s living room, playing Super Smash Bros. on his Switch.
It was mid-morning on Monday, and Finn had come round to hang out for a couple of hours before Ilias and I had to get back in the car. I appreciated getting to spend time with him, just chilling out and playing video games like we had as kids.
What I didn’t appreciate was getting my ass handed to me over and over again by my baby brother.
“I’m really not,” I conceded. “But one day, I’ll beat you.”
Finn grinned and raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“I could just let you win if you really need your ego stroked that much.”
“Ha, ha. Don’t be a dick,” I said. “And who put extra spark in your coffee this morning?”
Finn shrugged. “I don’t know.”
I hummed but didn’t say anything. I knew Finn had stayed at Gem’s last night, and I knew his relationship with the Scotsman was starting to bring my brother out of his shell a little.
Although, considering what I’d found out about my brother a couple of months ago, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know where the more confident side of Finn came from.
Finding out my quiet, shy baby brother, who’d never say boo to a goose, was secretly running an anonymous audio porn blog had been more than a little eye opening. He’d sworn us all to secrecy, which I’d stuck by, but I hadn’t been able to look at him the same way since. Not that I was horrified, more that I’d realized Finn really was all grown up.
It had reminded me that everyone had secrets. And they weren’t always ones people wanted to share.
“Ilias seems nice,” Finn said, leaving the screen on set-up rather than starting another match.
“He is.” I glanced around. Ilias was in the kitchen with Jason, chatting about work.
For a moment, I wondered if I should tell Finn about the worry that had started bubbling away in my stomach last night. I’d spent hours staring up at the ceiling of Lewis’s spare room, wondering if I was imagining things or if my fears were justified.
“But?” Finn asked. He turned to me, scrutinising my expression. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“There is.” He pointed at my face. “Your nose is twitching. It’s your tell.”
I grabbed my nose. “I don’t have a tell.”
“You do, but maybe I only notice because I know you so well. You hide yours better than Jules.” He gave me a small smile. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but if there is something bothering you, I’ll always be here to listen. You know I won’t judge you.”
“Okay.” I craned my neck to check that Ilias was still in the kitchen. “You have to promise not to say anything.”
“I won’t,” Finn said. “Why don’t we go and grab a coffee so you don’t have to whisper?”
“Er, sure.”
“Come on.” Finn stood up. “We can get pastries for everyone else too. Ilias will be fine here for a few minutes.”
I nodded and flicked off the Switch.
Ten minutes later, Finn and I were walking along Lincoln’s cobbled streets towards a little bakery at the top of the hill. There was hardly a cloud in the sky, making it the perfect late-spring day. Since it was a Monday, there weren’t many people around. Finn was companionably silent, waiting for me to start speaking.
I didn’t know where to begin, and eventually the first words out of my mouth were, “I think he’s going to run.”
Finn gave me a quizzical glance but said nothing.
“I don’t mean he’s going to physically run away, but I’m worried he’s going to withdraw.” I sighed, pausing for a second to turn and look out over the city laid out before us. “Ilias lost someone… his fiancé, when he was quite young. And he says he’s gotten over it, but I don’t think that is something you ever really get over. I know he hasn’t been in a serious relationship since, and I think it scares him. He said he’d talk to me if he was worried, but…”
“But you’re afraid he won’t, that his fear will take over and he’ll break away before you even get the chance to talk about it,” Finn said.
“Yeah, something like that. I know I’ve lost people too, but nothing in the same category as that. And I’m scared I’m going to lose Ilias.”
“You really like him, don’t you?”
“I do. I don’t know if this is love or something else, but I can’t imagine my life without him in it.”
“Then talk to him,” Finn said, putting his hand on my arm. “Like you said, the pain of losing someone never really goes away. It’s still there, even if we wish it wasn’t. You know that relationship, that loss, is always going to be a part of who Ilias is. You just have to let him know you’ll be there for him and that you know your relationship with him doesn’t replace the one he lost. I’m going to assume you’re not going to make Ilias pretend the other man never existed?”
“God no, I’m not a complete dickhead.” I was shocked he’d even suggest it.
“Then tell him that. Tell him all this. Let him know you care about him, that you want to be with him, and that you understand if he sometimes gets sad or if he wants to talk about his fiancé. He might not want to, but I think if you give him the option, it’ll help. It’s just being open with him. Don’t make the mistake of trying to find the best time or hoping it’ll all work out for the best without actually doing anything. That… that leads to problems,” Finn said as he looked down at the floor. “If you want this relationship, you have to plant your feet and let him know where you stand.”
I nodded. Finn had always had great insight, more than people often gave him credit for. He didn’t always apply that insight to his own life, but nobody was perfect. There was just one tiny nagging thought left, burrowing into my mind.
“And what if I say all that, and he runs anyway?”
“Then you know he wasn’t right for you, and he’s not ready. But I think you’ll be surprised. It might be painful for him, but I think you’ll get there. When I was watching him yesterday…” He trailed off and gave me an encouraging smile. “Don’t give up on this too easily, and don’t give up on him.”
We turned and continued walking up the street, and all I could do was hope Finn was right.
When we got back to Lewis’s house forty minutes later, Ilias was still at the kitchen table chatting to Jason. They’d been joined by Lewis, who was looking at something on his laptop screen and marking something in the large diary spread out next to him. It was a riot of colours, stickers, and Post-it notes, but I assumed it made sense to him.
“We’re back,” I said. “And we brought pastries.”
Finn and I had stopped at a little bakery and coffee shop at the top of Steep Hill and enjoyed a quick drink before grabbing a large selection box of freshly made pastries to bring back. I put the box on the table and pulled it open.
Ilias hummed appreciatively as he reached for a large Nordic knott filled with custard and blueberries.
“I knew there was a reason I liked you,” he said with a grin before taking an enormous bite. I chuckled and took another of the knotts, leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek.
“Ilias was just giving us some ideas for places to explore,” Lewis said, “and telling us more about the series you pitched to The Traveller . I knew your Hawaii trip was part of a whole LGBTQ+ holiday feature, but I didn’t realise it was the first series like this they’d done. That’s awesome. Why didn’t you tell us?”
“I don’t know,” I said with a shrug. “It didn’t seem like a big deal. They’d have done one eventually.”
“Nope, I don’t buy that,” Lewis said. He gave me one of his patented Lewis stares, the one that made his clients reconsider their life choices. “You knew it was important, and you knew it needed to happen, so you made it so. Don’t be so modest. You should learn to celebrate your achievements.”
I gave him a mock salute, still holding half my pastry. “Yes, sir.” Beside me, Finn snorted. I turned to him and grinned. “Anything to add?”
“No. But Lewis does make a good point. You’ve told me in the past that you only pitch things you’re interested in, and I know Eli’s asked you for recommendations for him and Tristan, so I think you know it’s a big deal. You just don’t want us to make a fuss.”
“Why is it,” I grumbled, “that you always manage to hit the nail on the head?”
“I’m good at reading people,” Finn said.
“You just need to learn to take your own advice,” I said.
“Yes, well, this conversation isn’t about me.” Finn’s face flushed, and he reached across me to retrieve a chocolate babka from the box.
“Where will you be off to next?” Jason asked. “Do you get to choose, or do they just send you?”
“Depends. I had to submit some suggestions and my reasoning behind the destinations, but it’ll be up to the magazine where I go. It’ll depend on what they think fits the brand, where we can get press trips, what other features they’ve got coming up. Stuff like that.”
“Wherever it is,” Ilias said, having finished demolishing his pastry, “I hope it’s warm. And doesn’t rain.”
“Noted. I’ll ask Marcus to send us to Thailand during monsoon season or to some Scandinavian ice hotel.”
“See, you say that, but you’d have to suffer through them with me, and we’d both end up miserable.”
“I’d ask for separate rooms,” I said. “And lock the door.”
“That’s not going to stop me,” Ilias laughed. “You’d have to fly out and back with me. And this is a couple’s article, so we’re supposed to spend time together.”
“No monsoon season, then.” I chuckled. My heart swelled in my chest as I looked down at him—the beautiful man with custard on his lip and an enormous heart that seemed so full of life.
Finn had asked me if I loved Ilias, and I’d said I wasn’t sure, that it was too early to tell. But looking at him now, I knew that was a lie. Early or not, I loved him.
Now all I had to do was show him that and hope it was enough.