Chapter 46
“Why did you do this again?” I scream softly. If this soft, screaming-whisper can even be called a scream. I’m trying not to wake Amari up. I’ve been awake all night waiting for Kai to get home.
“Do what again?” Kai asks in a harsh tone.
“Go out, party, and get drunk.”
It’s four in the morning. Kai came home from work and said he was going over to Kevin’s real quick. Real quick turned into hours. A whirlwind of emotions kept me up all night. My heart is torn between anger and sadness.
“I trusted you, Kai. You told me you were going to stop this.”
“What’s so bad about going out?”
“Are you kidding me? I’m left here all day with Amari. The least you can do is come home, stay home, and help me.” Right now, I’m wasting my time talking to him. I smell the alcohol on his breath. I see the drunkenness in his eyes.
“You act like I don’t do anything. I work all day, all week. I need a break, too.” He lies down next to me, fully-clothed.
He has quite the nerve lying down next to me right now.
He was helping me more after our anniversary. Being more involved. One night, he took Amari for the entire night so I could have a night for myself. I drew myself a bath, played R he keeps asking where I am.
It took him until late afternoon to figure out I was gone.
I missed his calls the first hour he was trying to get a hold of me.
Not on purpose. I gave up on him calling us once I had been gone all day and shoved my phone into the diaper bag.
Amari and I went to the park after breakfast. I walked her around in the stroller, and then we laid out on the grass while she slept. The mid-October sun and the soft breeze is making for the best day.
Now we’re sitting at the food court people-watching. Well, I’m the one people-watching. Amari is on my lap with her back to my chest as she floats in and out of sleep.
Me: I’m fine
I didn’t mean to ignore Kai, but then, right before I was going to answer his text, I put my phone away and thought he could worry for once. It’s only been two hours, and he’s already reached out to Paige. I wonder how he would react if we switched roles and I was out partying all night.
Paige: Where R U? Kai has been calling me worried.
I roll my eyes.
Me: I’m at the mall.
Paige: Is everything ok?
Paige: Do u want me to come down there?
Paige: Do I need to kick Kai’s ass?
I chuckle. She’s the best.
Me: I’m good. I’m heading home soon
Not long after, I pull into the driveway and Kai comes running toward me as I park the car. “Where have you been?” Kai asks.
Ignoring his stare. I walk right past him and go over and get Amari out of the car.
“Here. Let me take her.” He grabs Amari from me.
He places her on the floor once we’re in the apartment, reaches in, and gets her out of her seat. He raises Amari toward his face and rubs his nose against hers. “I miss you. Where did mommy take you all day?” he asks sweetly.
I’m not sure how he can miss her all day when he sleeps all day.
“Where did you go?” he asks, his mouth downturned.
“Out.”
He sits by me on the couch. I grab Amari’s hands, slightly shaking them. “Say, Mommy and I had a fun day out. Just us girls,” I say in a baby voice. Her eyes pop open wider, and she grins from the sound of my voice.
“You’re not going to tell me? I was worried sick. I wake up and the apartment is empty, and then you don’t answer any of my calls or texts. I even reached out to Paige in case you were with her.”
“How does it feel to be on the other side of things and worry?” I say, still avoiding his gaze.
“I’m sorry, Blakey—”
Before he can say anything else, I cut him off. “You’re always sorry. Sorry isn’t enough anymore.”
He reaches over and grabs my hand. “Are you thinking of leaving me?”
The thought of leaving him makes my heart play tug-of-war.
I love him and our family so much that I want to stay.
But the way our relationship and family dynamic has taken a drastic turn makes me want to leave.
I want a sense of relief. I don’t want to stay in this situation.
Then I think how much I’ll miss him, miss us, and miss our family.
Plus, where am I going to go? My mom doesn’t want me.
I don’t have a job to support myself and Amari.
Some days, I feel trapped, like there is nowhere to go.
Then we have our moments that make me want to stay.
It’s this tug-of-war cycle that feels like it will never end.
“I don’t know,” I mutter.
“I’ll be better. Okay? Watch.”
“You’ve said that before. And you’ve done it before and then you’re back to this again.” I wave my hands around.
“Then you’re just going to have to see.”
I grab Amari out of Kai’s arms. “I’m going to get us ready for bed. We had a long day, and some of us didn’t sleep well last night,” I say, trying to stifle a yawn.