Chapter 47
“You’re the cutest ladybug in the whole world,” I say, holding Amari up in a standing position to check out her ladybug outfit. Her costume isn’t anything special, but she makes it look cute. I found a ladybug dress and paired it with black stockings and black dress shoes with a bow on top of them.
“Where are you going?” Kai leans against the bedroom door frame.
“To the mall,” I say in a low voice. Halloween falls on a Sunday this year.
Kai, Amari, and I didn’t do anything as a family for Halloween.
There is still so much tension between Kai and me, so I didn’t even bother asking him if we were going to do anything.
This is Amari’s first Halloween. Even though she’s not old enough to remember or go trick-or-treating, it would have been nice to at least do something with her as a family.
“With who?”
“Paige.” I asked Paige if she would go to the mall with me and Amari today. The stores always do trick-or-treating for the kids. Amari won’t remember any of this, but at least she’ll have pictures to look back on when she gets older.
“Why don’t we go as a family?” He sits right next to us on the bed. I get up and walk over to the living room.
“Because you apparently don’t like to be around your family,” I say.
Kai comes up next to me while I secure Amari in her car seat. “I never said that.”
“No, but your actions show it.”
“Come on, B. Let’s go as a family. This is her first Halloween.”
I squint my eyes, trying to hold back the tears. The tug in my heart wants to let him back in. But that’s what I always do. I let him back in, only for him to crush me again. I need to put my foot down so he knows I’m serious about how things are going, and I’m not going to put up with it.
I tuck Amari's blanket in with her to keep her warm from the cold. “There were a lot of firsts that you’ve missed. What is one more?” I walk out the door with Amari’s car seat on my arm. The sun is setting, and the weather is getting colder each day.
Kai grabs my arm as I shut the car door after putting Amari inside. “Come on. Let’s go as a family.”
I pull my arm out of his grasp and get into the driver's seat. Before I can shut the door, Kai gets in between me and the door. “You’re going to let me miss our daughter’s first Halloween?"
I get out of the car and shut the door. I’ve always tried to avoid arguing in front of Amari.
She may not remember any of our arguments being this young.
But I read that trauma sits in the subconscious mind and can affect someone’s behavior when they get older, with no recall of why their behavior is the way it is.
“Do not blame me. You put yourself in this position. I have fought for months for you to be present. You only want to be present on your own terms. I’m sick of being let down by you. So yes, I am going without you.”
His eyes widen in disbelief, and his mouth falls slightly open. He turns his back toward me and walks away.
Children wearing all sorts of costumes scramble around the mall with laughter and excitement as they go from store to store saying, “Trick-or-treat!”
“Hi, my baby. I missed you,” Paige says as she takes Amari out of her stroller and into her arms, kissing all around her face. Amari’s eyes spring open from all the kisses.
Paige is dressed in a red-and-black corset dress with black boots going up to her thighs. She’s wearing devil horns attached to a headband. It circles her head but is not too far down to her scalp; I’m sure she doesn’t want her poof to go flat.
“I’m thinking she’s your new best friend now.” I chuckle. “I rarely get a hi anymore.”
Paige's lips close tightly. “Hi, B. Sorry. I love her so much.”
It makes me happy how much Paige loves Amari. She loves being around her. I remember how worried it made me, thinking having a baby was going to end our friendship. It definitely has changed a lot, but she still comes around and loves Amari so much. It’s more than I could ever ask for.
We make our way through the mall. It’s so weird to be here now with a baby.
The mall used to be the place for me and Paige to hang out.
It’s the same mall where I first laid eyes on Kai.
I was too shy to approach him. Now look.
I’m pushing our daughter through the mall for Halloween.
It’s crazy to look back at how much has happened in such a short time.
“Why didn’t you dress up?” Paige asks.
I shrug my shoulders. “I didn’t even think about it. I was too worried about getting Amari an outfit.” Paige has always been all about dressing up and spending so much time on it. I would dress up but not spend so much time around it.
“I know you’re a mom now, but you still need to have fun, too.”
“Priorities change once you’re a mom.”
Paige’s eyes go wide. “That’s the mom-est thing you have ever said.”
We both chuckle.
“Are we going to have Amari trick-or-treat at the stores?”
“I don’t know. It’s not like she can eat the candy.”
“Yeah, but we can,” Paige says in between her laughs. She thinks she’s so funny. “Let’s try it.”
We walk passed a group of kids and go over to the lady dressed as a witch standing in front of Wet Seal.
Good thing Paige is dressed up, or else I would think they would assume we were using Amari to get free candy—which is Paige’s plan.
I stand to the side and snap pictures of Paige and Amari as they walk over to the lady.
“Say trick-or-treat,” Paige says to Amari.
“Oh, my gosh. Who is this cute little ladybug?” the lady asks and grabs Amari's hand and gives it a little shake. Amari’s mouth opens wide in a huge grin as the lady talks to her.
“You want to pick a candy?” She lifts her candy bucket to Amari’s hand.
Paige grabs Amari’s hand, guides it into the bucket, and grabs a couple of fun-sized Snickers.
“Thank you.” Paige walks back over to me. Seeing how happy Amari is fills my heart with so much happiness. It makes me regret not having Kai with us.
Paige’s face drops when she sees me wipe a tear from my eye. “What’s wrong?”
I let out a sigh. “I wish Kai were here.”
“Did he want to come?” she asks as we make our way to another store.
“He did and I told him no.”
“Oh.”
“We haven’t talked much since that day he reached out to you looking for me.”
Her eyes grow wide in surprise. “What! Why?”
“There is not much more I can say to him I haven’t already said.”
“I thought he wasn’t going out anymore.” We walk over to Charlotte Russe next, to a girl dressed as Minnie Mouse and another girl next to her as Mickey Mouse.
Paige walks Amari over to them so they can say trick or treat.
She hands me a bag of Skittles as we continue to the next store.
“Is he back on his same bullshit again?”
“Yes,” I say.
“B, that’s not healthy.”
“What isn’t?”
“Not talking. It’s been two weeks since that day he reached out to me.”
“I know it isn’t. Nothing we’ve done is healthy.”
"Oh, she is adorable.” An older lady stops and says to us, “Is this your sister?”
“No. She’s my daughter,” I say with a big grin.
“Oh.” The lady’s face drops. “Now I know where she gets her looks from. Her beautiful mother,” she says with a smirk, as if she’s trying to apologize for assuming she’s my sister.
“Thank you.”
“Wow, some people,” Paige says.
“I’m used to it now.”
After walking around the mall for an hour, we stopped and got a couple of smoothies at the food court. I laugh at all the candy Paige got from taking Amari trick or treating. This is obviously for her.
“Hey, you don’t deserve any of that candy after laughing at me for getting it.” She says as I reach out and grab a Reese’s cup.
“It was my daughter you used to get the candy.”
She gives me a side-eye. “Touché. Enjoy.”
I shake my head.
“What do you think you’ll do with Kai?”
“I feel stuck. I have nowhere to go, and I have no job or money. I’m trying to finish up my packets as fast as I can so I can get my diploma sooner than later. There is a medical assistant program I want to apply for, but I have to get my diploma first.”
I’ve never been one to think ahead. Last year, around this time, I was thinking about becoming a nurse after high school.
But still didn’t know for sure if that’s what I wanted to do.
With the way things are going, I don’t know if me and Kai are going to last and I don’t want to sit around with nothing for myself if something were to happen.
I started looking into jobs that pay more than the minimum wage.
I think those wages and child support could help me make ends meet if I had to do it on my own.
“Wait, so are you thinking about leaving Kai? I didn’t think that’s what you were thinking.”
“I’m trying to plan ahead in case we don’t work out. I won’t be able to afford anything if I work a minimum wage job. This program will help me get a better job.”
“That’s good, then. Hopefully, he stops his bullshit and things get better.”
That’s all I can hope for.