Chapter 51
“I’ll see you later, Princess,” Kai whispers to Amari, who is sleeping peacefully in her crib. Leaning down, he places a soft kiss on her forehead. Then, he turns to me and presses a quick kiss on my lips. “I’ll see you later,” he whispers before leaving the room.
“Okay.” The weight of exhaustion is pulling at my eyelids from being up all night with Amari, and I fall back asleep.
The sound of Amari’s babbling pulls me from my sleep, and I sit up in bed, rubbing my eyes and watching her kick her little legs and play with her toys that dangle above her. A smile tugs at my lips. “Hi, my baby,” I say.
Rolling out of bed, I watch Amari lie there, cooing softly to herself, her chubby cheeks flushed with warmth. I scoop her up into my arms, breathing in the scent of baby lotion that lingers on her skin.
Our morning routine has become second nature now.
I feed Amari before feeding myself. Once we’re both fed, I get us ready for the day.
It always helps me feel better when I get myself ready and don’t sit in pajamas all day like I used to.
It took me a few months to get a routine going and to get Amari in a routine, too.
That makes it easier for me to schedule what I have to do for the day; it’s usually not much other than my packets and taking care of her.
She is old enough to be content for a little while I work on my schooling, or I do them while she naps.
When she was a newborn, I was constantly taking care of her and trying to catch up on sleep.
I fell behind doing my packets during that time because it was so hard to concentrate and stay awake.
I try to keep the apartment as clean as I can, but it always looks so cluttered since we have no room for anything. Everything is out in the open.
My stomach rumbles. I look up at the clock on the oven and realize it is almost dinner time. I didn’t eat lunch again. Sometimes I get so focused on my homework that I forget to eat lunch. The time goes by so fast some days because I want to be done with high school.
As I pull the chicken out of the fridge, Amari cries. “Damn it, I have to feed her,” I say to myself with my stomach growling.
Before I get Amari out of her crib, I prepare a bottle for her and lie her on my lap while I feed her.
The front door opens, and Kai walks in with exhaustion on his face. Amari had a terrible night last night and kept us both up. “Hey, beautiful,” he says.
My grin widens bigger than I expected. I can’t remember the last time he called me that. “Hey.”
He kicks off his shoes and comes and sits down next to us.
He leans in and kisses Amari on the forehead while she sucks her bottle and then kisses me on the lips.
That warm feeling I used to get from being around him came back.
It made me sad knowing it was gone. Because it always felt like home with him.
I’m glad it’s back and building up again.
My stomach rumbles again, and Kai looks at me. “Are you hungry?”
“Starving. I forgot to eat lunch.”
“Again?”
I nod.
“Is dinner made or do you want me to go get something?”
“I have chicken and rice I was going to cook.” It’s been my go-to meal when I need something fast. Kai is such a foodie. He never cares what I make as long as he eats.
He pulls Amari from my hands. “I’ll finish feeding her.”
Since the day I left him on Halloween to take Amari out, he’s been a lot better at helping.
The anxiousness I used to feel every time the weekend hit hasn’t come back for a few weeks now.
It took a while for me to trust that he wasn’t going to leave us on the weekends, and that he was going to come home from work and be present with us.
Now that it’s actually happening, I cherish it so much because it helps with my stress and I’m sure he’s grateful he doesn’t have to hear me nagging him all the time.
“Are you ready for your bath?” Kai asks Amari as he picks her up.
We’ve been relaxing on the couch after dinner, watching Amari roll over in the living room.
As I enter the bathroom, towel in hand for Amari, I lean against the doorway, silently observing the tender scene unfolding before me.
Kai’s hands move from the water to Amari, squeezing the water out to wash the soap suds off.
This sight sends me into an overwhelming sense of love for the two of them.
He has such a gentleness for her; it’s as if she’s a porcelain doll.
Moments like these remind me of what our family is and can continue to be.
Kai brings so much to our family when he wants to. I wish he could see that for himself.
“All done,” he says.
I open up the towel while Kai places her against my chest. He drains the tub as I take her to the bedroom and get her ready for bed.
The bed sinks a little with Kai’s weight as he lies down next to us.
“Thanks for helping out more. It’s been nice having you more present with us.”
He tilts his face toward me. “I’m sorry I haven’t been there much for you two. I’ve been dealing with my own shit.”
“What’s been going on?” Is he finally going to open up about his dad and how he’s been taking it? Obviously, he hasn’t been taking it well, but I don’t know that for sure since he never wants to talk about it. He shuts down every time I’ve brought it up.
“I don’t know. A lot,” he mumbles.
“You know you can talk to me.”
“It’s hard. You know.”
I put Amari in my lap while she plays with my fingers. “Have you talked to anyone about how you’ve been feeling?”
“No.”
“It might be a good idea to talk to someone. Even if it’s not me, you can’t bottle stuff up. It’s not healthy.”
“I will. In my own time.”
I give a small nod, watching him quietly as he stares up at the ceiling.
This is more than I have ever got out of him before.
I can’t help but feel a pang in my heart for him, knowing how much he’s struggling.
I wonder if it’s the death of his dad or the thought of being a dad himself that’s bothering him.
Could it be both?
It’s hard to not feel like I’ve lost family too.
It’s been a year since I’ve spoken to or seen my mom and sister.
I know I can’t compare the lack of contact with my family to the death of his dad.
But it’s still a loss that makes my heart ache.
Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I didn’t have Amari.
She keeps my mind so busy, I don’t have time to dwell on anything.
It makes me happy knowing I at least have my own little family.