Chapter 52
It’s Christmas Eve, and I bought us matching pajamas to wear tonight.
I already dressed both myself and Amari.
The pants are white and have colorful Christmas lights on them.
Our tops are red, and they have presents and reindeer on the front.
It’s super cheesy. Even I couldn’t believe I was doing this when I picked them out in the store.
I want to start our own traditions as a family.
I didn’t know what to start with, and I know this one is common, so it seemed like a good idea.
This time last year, my mom kicked me out, and I was pretty much homeless. This year, I have my own little family, and we’re celebrating Christmas together. I can’t wait to watch Amari open up her gifts. Although, I guess we’ll be the ones who open them for her. Still, I’m excited.
The front door shuts, letting me know Kai is home. I grab Amari and go into the living room to show Kai our pajamas.
His brows raise when he sees both of us. “You bought matching pajamas for the both of you?”
“Yup. And you have a pair on the bed waiting for you,” I say with a cheesy grin, waiting for his reaction.
“Ugh, okay,” he says quietly. “I’m going to go shower.” He walks right past us.
My face falls. I guess he’s not as into it as I thought he would be.
While I wait for Kai to get out of the shower so we can eat dinner together, I put on How the Grinch Stole Christmas for Amari. Amari seems to enjoy the vibrant colors the movie has. Her eyes are wide open while watching the movie.
“You aren’t into wearing the pajamas?” I ask when Kai comes out fully-clothed. I guess it was a little too cheesy for him.
He sits down on the couch next to us, not answering my question. His face is emotionless as he stares blankly at the movie. I can tell something is on his mind from how distant he’s being. Did something happen at work?
I glance at him one more time. And then I see what’s going on.
My chest constricts with the heaviness of the feeling of being let down again.
He’s fully-clothed. He’s not in the sweats that he usually wears after the shower.
Not this again. My eyes burn in the back of my eyes.
I sit and wait for the uninviting words that I haven’t heard in months and I thought I would never hear again.
The sound of a ping comes through, making a shiver run down my whole body. He slides his phone out of his pocket and looks over at me. “I’ll be back.”
“Where are you going?”
“Out with a few friends. I won’t be long.”
“You’re going to do this on Christmas Eve?”
He looks down at his phone and starts texting. “I’m not doing anything.”
“Kai, it’s Christmas Eve, and you prefer to be with friends rather than family?”
He gets up from the couch. “I’ll be with you guys all day tomorrow. Stop making a big deal out of it. I haven’t gone out in months.”
“What are you talking about? I’m the one who hasn’t gone out in months. I sit here day in and day out, taking care of our daughter.”
“Yeah, and I work all day.”
That’s beside the point. “Kai, don’t do this.”
Another ping comes from his phone. He looks at it and steps closer to the front door.
“Kai,” I say with a broken voice.
“I’ll be back early. I promise.” He turns his back toward us and shuts the door.
I sit there, stunned by the betrayal. A deep sense of disappointment and hurt washes over me. I can’t believe we are here again. His actions cut deeper every time. He builds me up and cuts me right back down.
Every.
Single.
Time.
When am I going to learn? When is enough enough? He chose Christmas Eve out of all the days. The only thing I can hold him to now is that he’ll be home early.
I squeeze my eyes shut, fighting back the tears as I hold Amari a little tighter; I find a little comfort with her. Moments like these make me realize it’s just me and her. With my mom and sister out of the picture and Kai gone, she is the only constant in my life.
“What?” Kai says in a stern voice as I shake him to wake up.
He did not hold up his word that he would be home early. At four in the morning, he came stumbling in, reeking of alcohol. Once again, my nerves kept me tossing and turning all night. My mind raced with anxious thoughts and kept me from sleeping.
“Are you going to get up so you can watch Amari open presents?”
“Let’s do it later. It’s not like they’re going to go anywhere.”
“No!” I raise my voice. “I’m not going to watch you sleep the day while we wait around for you.
Do not ruin Christmas for us. Get up.” I shake him harder.
After I put Amari to sleep and Kai still wasn’t home, I started working on stuffing his stocking and putting Amari's gifts out. She’s not going to remember any of this, but it’s important to me. It should be important to him too.
“Get up.” I shake him vigorously.
He throws the covers off. “Okay. Fuck.”
Stunned by his actions, I get up from the bed and go into the living room.
I plug in our Christmas tree we bought at Wal-Mart.
The tree is four-feet tall, skinny, and bare.
The tree isn’t an actual tree to put presents under.
It’s a decorative tree you place somewhere in your house.
It’s all we could fit into this tiny apartment.
I take a few steps back, staring at the red, green, yellow, and blue lights that shine bright.
I remember last year when I went out back and found a small bush I used as a tree.
This may not be an actual Christmas tree, but it is a step up from the bush I found last year.
“Look what Santa got for you.” I carry Amari closer to the tree and set her in the pink walker Santa brought for her.
If only we had more space, she could move around more in this.
I remember Bryn always using one, and how fast she would go through the entire house.
It always made me laugh. I couldn’t wait to get Amari one, even though we hardly have any space.
Amari starts curiously looking at all the toys attached to the walker.
I hear a door close in the distance, thinking Kai shut the bedroom door so he could sleep.
But he walks in yawning and sits on the couch.
His eyes light up the second he sees Amari in her walker.
I'm confused about how he’s acting; he was pissed off a minute ago.
I guess he’s trying to be in a better mood for Christmas. Let’s hope.
“Here is your gift from me,” I say to Kai. Like last year, we didn’t have too much money to spend, and I wanted to put more towards Amari’s gifts.
He unwraps the gift, opens up the box it’s in, and sniffs the scent. I bought him the Cool Water cologne. “It smells good.” He sniffs it again. “Really good. Thank you.” He gets up and hands me the present he got for me.
I open up a gift set with Victoria’s Secret Amber Romance body spray, lotion, and body wash.
I inhale the sweet vanilla scent as I spritz myself with it.
“Thank you.” He must’ve remembered that I’ve been wanting this one for a while.
I always used my mom's. The smell reminds me of her, bringing a sting to my heart, knowing this is another Christmas not spent with her.