Chapter 14
FOURTEEN
Nick didn’t know what he was doing. Relationships were supposed to bring peace and fulfillment to someone’s life. Raina had made his life infinitely better just by being a part of it. Bax made him extraordinarily happy, too, in so many ways. Thanks to Bax he was discovering an entirely different side of himself, a part that had always been there but had been dormant until now.
And it felt like everything was falling apart.
He’d only just managed to be a dad, a teacher, and an artist. Now he was trying to be a good boyfriend, too, and instead of making his life better, he felt like he was constantly a half-inch away from falling apart.
“You look tired, dear,” his mum told him two weeks after his disastrous night with Bax.
It hadn’t actually been disastrous. Yes, their plans had been forced to change and the kids had been sick, but in the end, he and Bax had spent a low-key evening cuddled up on the couch before going to bed, to sleep only, in Nick’s bed. Jordan had woken up once during the night, but he’d been able to handle it without waking Bax. Or, at least, if Bax had woken up, he’d rolled over and gone straight back to sleep.
What a wonderful thing it would be to get a full night’s sleep!
“I am tired, Mum,” Nick said as he hoisted the kids’ nappy bag over his shoulder and scooped Macy into one arm so he could carry her downstairs to his mum’s car. “I’m a single father of two kids with a full class schedule this session and a sculpture that’s just been officially entered in the competition that’s happening in less than two months. I’m exhausted.”
He didn’t add that he was also juggling a new relationship that he desperately wanted to work. His mum would only glare at him. She knew, of course, but she still didn’t fully accept that he was bi and in a relationship with a man.
She glared at him anyhow as she carried Jordan down to Hawthorne House’s family parking lot. One day soon, Nick knew he would have to sit his mum down and have the talk with her about how he and Bax were officially dating and how that wasn’t going to change anytime soon, so she needed to accept it and treat them both accordingly.
He wondered why he hadn’t talked to her about that already. Did that mean he wasn’t convinced that he and Bax would last?
“Darling, I know you think I’m beating a deceased equine, but whenever you’re ready for the children to come live with me, you know you need but say the word,” his mum said once they had the kids secure in their car seats.
“Yes, Mum, I know,” Nick sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I haven’t changed my mind. The answer is still no. They’re my kids, I’ll raise them.”
His mum pursed her lips and stared at him before relenting with an impatient breath. “Well, if you ever feel you need more time for your art,” she said, then narrowed her eyes slightly and added, “Or anything else.”
“Alright, enough. Have a good day, you two,” he said, leaning down to wave to his babies through the backseat car window.
“Goodbye, dear,” his mum said before kissing his cheek and slipping into the car.
Nick stepped back and waved as his mum backed up. He stayed where he was, watching her car retreat down the drive, a tight, painful pull forming in his chest. He loved his kids more than anything in the world. They were definitely the most important things in his life, more important than himself. But maybe he was being selfish keeping them with him. Bax wasn’t the only one not getting the attention he deserved. His kids needed more focus than he was able to give them.
He shook his head and turned, not to head back into the house, but to walk around the perimeter until he met the path heading down to the forge. The thought crossed his mind that he hadn’t had time to go for a morning walk with Bax in weeks. Back when the weather was brutal, the two of them had gone out nearly every morning. He understood now that that was their way of flirting and getting to know each other better. They’d been motivated to spend that time together. Now that they were actually dating and sleeping together, they were lucky if they had time for a kiss and a tickle in the morning before they each had to dash out to take care of work and kids.
What if he did let his mum take the kids? What would mornings look like then? He wouldn’t have to get up when Jordan and Macy got up and then focus on them to the exclusion of everything else. He could laze away in bed with Bax on the weekends, making love and getting to know him on a deeper level. They could take their morning walks in weather that was actually nice without him having to constantly check his phone in case Imogen needed him to handle something with the kids that she couldn’t.
As he entered the forge and started the process of feeding the fires for the day, his gaze kept shifting to his unicorn. It was mostly done now, but all the other things he’d planned to make for the upcoming metalwork and blacksmithing convention Hawthorne House was hosting in just a few weeks had fallen by the wayside. If the kids were taken care of somewhere else, he might have time for more art.
He didn’t like the direction his thoughts were headed and went about his morning prep with a frown. He was a dad, first and foremost. He was determined to be a good dad. But he was also a man. The number one thing Bax had taught him so far was that he had needs. That wasn’t just some corny thing that horny people said. Now that he knew how amazing sex could be, his libido was constantly screaming at him.
He deserved a chance to listen to it and to act on it without interference.
“That’s an awfully serious look for this early in the morning.”
Nick straightened from where he’d been prepping a few rods of iron in the fire so they’d be ready for the day’s project, creating S-hooks, to find Lauren just coming into the forge.
“Hello,” he said, somehow managing a smile for her. “I was just concentrating.”
Lauren hummed like she didn’t quite believe him as she shrugged out of her coat and hung it on one of the hooks around the perimeter of the forge. “You can tell me to bugger off if you still need thinking time. I’m early for class.”
“No, I’m fine,” Nick lied. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind lately.”
“Yeah, Joann was telling me the other day how stressed out you are between the kids being sick and everything else,” Lauren came over to lean against the table closest to where Nick was working.
“The kids are doing much better,” he said, still trying to be friendly. He was glad he was wearing his goggles. They gave him the illusion of distance between him and his sister’s attempt at a set-up.
Although that wasn’t entirely fair to Lauren. They were a few weeks into the class and she hadn’t pushed too hard or given him any reason to think she was there for any reason other than interest in metalworking.
That wasn’t the case for a certain other student.
“Oh, have we started already?” Callum asked as he bounced cheerily into the forge. “I’m not late, am I?”
“Nope,” Nick said, not trusting himself to actually look at Callum in case the sheer force of his jealousy knocked the man over. “I’m just prepping.”
“And I was just asking about his kids,” Lauren said. “I’m friends with Nick’s sister.”
Callum hung up his coat then came to join them, saying, “I’m friends with Nick’s boyfriend.”
Nick peeked up at Lauren, his face heating. He hadn’t stood up on a bench and made any great announcement to the class that he and Bax were dating, but word had gotten around. He was anxious about what Lauren thought of their relationship, but more because of what Joann and his mum thought.
Lauren didn’t bat an eyelash, though. “What a coincidence,” she said, smiling at Callum. “How do you know Bax?”
That right there was proof that Lauren knew everything.
“We used to belong to the same coven,” Callum answered, as smooth as you please, as if people walked around admitting to being Pagan every day.
Then again, Lauren didn’t so much as blink at that either, so maybe it was just his hang-up about alternative lifestyles.
Or rather, it was his mum’s opinion infecting his own way of viewing the world.
“Ooh, Pagan,” Lauren said, shifting on her stool to give her attention to Callum instead of Nick. “I had a college friend who was a practicing Pagan. Happy Ostara, right?”
Callum laughed charmingly. “Not quite yet,” he said. “In about two more weeks.”
“Oh, right,” Lauren said. “Ostara is the Spring Equinox, right?”
“Correct in one,” Callum said with a broad smile. “You folks stole quite a few of our springtime rituals to make your Easter,” he added, like he was scolding a disobedient child.
Lauren laughed. “Don’t go blaming me. I’m agnostic at best. But I do love a chocolate egg.”
“Eggs are signs of fertility,” Callum said sagely. “So are hares. They both started out as Pagan symbols and traditions.”
“Oh, same with hot cross buns,” Lauren said, lighting up. “I remember reading about this. Everyone thinks hot cross buns are a symbol of Christianity because of the cross, but the cross is actually an ancient Celtic symbol for the division of Heaven and Earth and the human and the divine.”
Callum looked absolutely delighted by Lauren’s explanation. “We’ll make a witch of you yet,” he said.
Nick’s heart sank to his feet and beyond as the two of them laughed together. He hadn’t known any of that, not a bit. He barely knew there even was a Pagan holiday that matched Easter, though now that he thought of it, he was sure he’d heard all about how all of the Christian holidays were originally Pagan holidays. Before Bax had explained things back at Imbolc.
His shoulders suddenly felt heavy and his steps leaden as he finished with the rods in the fire, then headed to the side to get the handouts the class would need for the day’s project. Here he was dating a Pagan and he didn’t know the first thing about some of the most important events of his spiritual calendar.
“I’ve been pestering Bax for weeks about joining us, but you should come, too,” Callum was in the middle of saying, to Lauren, definitely not him, when Nick walked back that way with his stack of papers.
He paused for a second as his heart lurched. Callum had been pestering Bax for weeks about joining him for Ostara?
But of course he had. Bax had been open and honest about Callum wanting him to join his coven. Bax wasn’t lying or hiding anything from him. Maybe Callum had contacted him more than once or twice, but that was fine. He didn’t tell Bax about every phone call or invitation out that he got from his friends. Not that he had many outside of the Hawthorne family.
Those were all easy things to think, but they had a hard time truly sinking in.
“You should come, too, Nick,” Callum added, drawing Nick into the conversation as he walked past, putting the handouts on everyone’s workstations. As soon as the invitation was made, Callum slumped and said, “Then again, the way we celebrate Ostara isn’t exactly family-friendly.”
“Ooh!” Lauren said, brightening even more. “Tell me more.”
“It is a holiday celebrating fertility, after all,” Callum said with a cheeky wink.
Lauren laughed. Nick pretended to, but his mood was turning sour in a hurry.
“It’s not really as naughty as all that,” Callum went on, speaking mostly to Lauren as the rest of the class arrived. “My particular coven just includes, shall we say, fertility symbolism in our otherwise very tame rituals. But you should have seen us, me and Bax, back in the day when we still belonged to our original coven. Damien, Bax’s ex, too. There was one time when our coven leader decided we should really go all in with the fertility aspect of the whole thing. I think I had a sore bum for a week after. But Bax was absolutely spectacular.”
Lauren burst with laughter. Nick’s gut twisted.
“Alright, if you’re all ready to get class started,” Nick said, pretending he wasn’t painfully aware of the conversation as he raised his voice to bring it to a sharp end. “Today’s lesson is about making S-hooks, so if you all want to get your anvil set up, find a pair of tongs, a hammer, and a twisting spanner, we’ll get right to it.”
Lauren and Callum continued to laugh and chat about Ostara, complete with innuendo, as they headed off together to collect their tools. Nick rubbed his forehead in an attempt to dispel the headache that was forming behind his eyes and tried to swallow away the nausea that was creeping up on him. Maybe he’d caught germs from the babies. Or maybe he just couldn’t stomach being slapped in the face with the fact that he was the worst possible person Bax could be dating.
At least the lesson went well. Part of the reason for that was because Nick was so frustrated that he put all of his effort into making not one demonstration S-hook but four as his students looked on. They were damn good S-hooks, too, even if he didn’t have the slightest idea what he would use them for. At least he was good at something.
He managed to push his writhing emotions to the back of his mind, but they were definitely there as he walked around, helping his students with their task and stepping in to guide them where they needed it. Callum made a perfect S-hook on the first try, of course, but his second and third weren’t nearly as good.
Nick felt a wicked amount of satisfaction in that.
He wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or an absolutely terrible one when Bax wandered down to the forge just as the class was finishing up and putting away tools.
“Now that’s a sight I like to see,” Bax greeted him with a heated look, sweeping Nick’s dirty, sweaty body with an appreciative look.
“Is it though?” Nick asked, knowing damn well he was being too impatient and standoffish with the one person, the one adult person, he cared about more than anyone else.
Bax flinched then frowned. “Something wrong?” he asked.
Before Nick could answer, Callum came bounding over.
“Bax! I’m so glad I caught you in person today,” he said. “I’ve just been having a grand time telling Lauren and Nick about Ostara and all the preparations we’ve been making to celebrate this year. You know I’d love to have you come and join the fun, even though it won’t be quite as much fun as it was back in the heyday.” He wiggled his eyebrows.
Bax clearly knew exactly what Callum was talking about. He let out a breathy laugh, lowered his head slightly as a blush painted his face, then peeked at Nick. “Those days are long gone,” he said.
Nick stiffened. Had Bax said that because he missed those days? Because he regretted tying himself to a single father who had no idea what he was doing?
He shook his head slightly and used a bit of clean-up at the forge as an excuse to turn away.
“Perhaps,” Callum said. “But there’s going to be a picnic, weather permitting, egg decorating, a plant exchange, and, of course, a fertility ritual. Not that kind of fertility ritual, though.” Nick looked up in time to see him wink at Bax.
The sick feeling in the pit of Nick’s stomach returned. He couldn’t give Bax any of that. He wasn’t cheery and carefree. He had a ton of cares. Two in particular.
Although a picnic and egg hunt for the kids would be a lot of fun. They could do something like that at Hawthorne House. Robert and Janice had talked about hosting an Easter Egg hunt for kids for years. Macy wasn’t old enough, but Jordan might be. He might love it.
But it wouldn’t be anything close to what Bax was used to.
“I’m pretty sure we have plans here,” Bax replied to Callum, moving closer to Nick. “But I appreciate the invite.”
“The invitation remains open,” Callum said as he packed up his things. “For you, too,” he told Lauren.
Nick glanced up briefly as the two new friends headed out of the forge together, then threw his attention back into tidying up from the morning class and beginning preparations for his afternoon class.
“I’ve been thinking about you all morning,” Bax said, sidling up close to him and slipping his arms around Nick as soon as all the students were gone.
Nick smiled tightly and hugged Bax back briefly, then wiggled out of his embrace so he could continue setting the forge to rights.
Bax’s smile dropped. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing,” Nick lied.
He immediately kicked himself for hiding things from Bax. They were supposed to be dating. Raina had never let him hide anything when they’d been together.
He blew out a breath then turned to Bax and said, “If you want to go spend Ostara with Callum and his lot, then you can go.”
A whole flurry of emotions passed through Bax’s expression before he settled on concerned. “I do miss having a coven,” he said with a nod. “But if you’re worried, even for a second, that there could even be a hint of a possibility of anything between me and Callum, don’t.”
“I’m not worried,” Nick said, uncertain if it was a lie.
He put down the tongs he’d just collected and gave Bax his full attention.
“Bax, you know I care about you,” he began.
“Yes,” Bax said with deep, deep concern in his voice.
“I just worry that I’m not enough for you, that I’ll never be able to give you what you need,” Nick said in a rush.
Bax held absolutely still for a moment. He glanced at Nick, holding his gaze, but took forever to say something.
“I’d be lying if I said everything between us has been smooth sailing from the start,” he said, sending a spike of terror through Nick’s already roiling gut. He then stepped right up to Nick, slipping his arms around him, and holding their bodies together as he said, “But I love you.”
Nick caught his breath so fast and hard he nearly coughed. “You do?”
“Yes,” Bax said, his usual, impish smile returning. “I love how good and diligent you are in everything you do. I love how you care about everything and everyone, from the Hawthornes to your students to your wonderful, sweet children.”
“They’re not always sweet,” Nick said, his heart fluttering and banging against his ribs. “And I care about you, too. That’s why I worry so much.”
“Why are you worried?” Bax asked bluntly.
He deserved a blunt answer. “Because I don’t think I’m good enough for you. I have too many things going on and I’m not great at sex.”
Bax laughed. “You’re perfectly fine at sex,” he said.
“Since when has ‘perfectly fine’ ever been a compliment?” Nick asked, feeling better by the second. This was the way he wanted things to be between the two of them. This was the lightness and banter that he dreamed of when he thought about himself and Baxter as a couple.
“‘Fine’ is a stepping-stone to ‘stellar’,” Bax said, his voice taking on a sexy purr. “I know we’ll get there someday.”
“I’m just worried we won’t get there soon enough for you,” he said. “I…I love you, too, Bax, but I don’t think I’m enough for you.”
“Silly,” Bax said, making the single word into the sexiest thing Nick had ever heard.
That could also have had something to do with the way Bax kissed him once it was spoken. The kiss was so powerful that Nick leaned back against the nearest table and widened his stance so Bax could plaster himself against him and so their mouths were closer to the same level. He kissed Bax in return, letting all his worries go and just enjoying the moment.
“You are enough for me,” Bax said breathlessly when their kiss ended. “Everything else is just stuff that needs to be worked out.”
“Are you sure?” Nick asked.
“Yes, love, I am,” Bax said, then kissed him again.
Nick wrapped his arms around him and gave him the best kiss he could manage. It wasn’t time or attention, but it was the best he could do in the moment.
Strangely, it felt like enough. It was a tiny seed that made him confident that he could give Bax more. He wanted to give Bax more…somehow. There had to be a way to make that happen.