Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
CITI
I keep my hand wrapped around Star’s as we follow Havoc and Ambros into the gym.
My anger has dipped from a full blazing inferno to bubbling lava at this point.
The waves of defeat wafting from Star both fan the flame and douse it with regret.
I hate this for her. Hate that she’s treated differently because people don’t understand that different doesn’t mean bad.
The adults that I entrusted to help her transition are the ones I’m most pissed about, though.
I’m sick and tired of the lack of empathy in the world.
I had no idea that during all the years I wished and prayed to live outside the walls of my cage, the rainbows and sunshine I dreamed of were little more than a mirage.
Ambros leads us into a small, empty room before indicating that we move closer. Havoc walks to the side of the room and starts dragging some mats toward us.
Dropping to a crouch in front of Star, Ambros talks to her softly. “Hey, princess. I heard you had a crappy day at school.”
Star looks at him with wide eyes as he lifts his hand and slips a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Uncle Havoc and I are going to teach you how to fight back so the next time someone thinks about putting their hands on you, they’ll think twice.”
Okay, wow. I never thought about teaching Star to fight, only myself.
But after today, I can see that was an oversight on my part.
I had hoped to preserve some of her childhood after having the majority of it steeped in violence, but I guess that’s not possible.
And maybe a sign of my naivety to ever think it could be.
“You okay with that?” he asks her.
She looks up at me in question, so I drop down to her height. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but Ambros and Havoc are going to be teaching me too. I get scared, just like you do. I don’t want that fear to hold us back,” I tell her, not sure she’ll understand.
My girl is smart, though. She nods before looking at Ambros. When she fists both her hands and brings them up in a boxer’s stance, I can’t help the grin that slips over my face.
“There’s my little fighter.”
Ambros, dare I say it, looks a little choked up. He wraps his large, scarred hand around one of Star’s and turns it a little before adjusting the other. “No, don’t tuck your thumb. That’s it.”
I turn to Havoc when he steps up, his eyes on Star as he talks to me.
“Want me to work with you for a little while?”
I swallow before nodding, suddenly very much aware of the size difference between him and me. I follow him over to where he has some of the mats set up. I sit down and tug off my shoes and socks as he slips out of his cut and toes off his boots.
“I’m not going to teach you how to hit me today. I’m not going to teach you how to escape.”
“Okay. So what are you going to teach me?”
“How to survive.”
“I think I’ve got that part down, Havoc.”
He offers me a sad smile but nods. “True enough. But there may come a time when you need to think on your feet. A split-second reaction can make all the difference between your safety and Star’s safety.
If you’re thrown back into a PTSD episode every time you’re grabbed or pinned, it will steal away the precious moments you have to make an escape. ”
I feel the air rush from my lungs. He’s right, but I can’t just rewire my brain to not be scared. I tell him as much.
“And that’s why we’ll work on it. Maybe it will take ten attempts, maybe it will take fifty. But at some point, muscle memory will take over and your fear won’t be in the driver’s seat anymore. That’s what I want to work on.”
I wring my hands together, knowing it’s a good idea, but hating the thought of it too. “I don’t know, Havoc. You might hate yourself for this afterward.”
“Maybe. But it’s not about me. It’s about you.”
I blow out a shaky breath and nod. “Okay.”
“Alright, I’m going to do everything slowly and talk you through it all every step of the way so you know what to expect.” He moves closer to me, and though I trust him, my heart rate speeds up.
“The aim in this isn’t for you to try to get away from me. I will teach you those moves after. This is to adapt, use your fear instead of letting it use you. I’m going to wrap my arms around you now. Nothing too horrific,” he teases. “Think of it as an extreme hug.”
I snicker at that. He grins before he reaches for me, pulling me to his chest and wrapping me tightly in his arms. At first, I’m okay because I know it’s Havoc and he’s hugging me. But then he doesn’t pull back, and his hug starts to feel like it’s suffocating me instead of comforting me.
I struggle, but his strength outmatches mine. When my brain realizes that, panic really starts to set in. Vaguely, I’m aware that he’s talking to me in that deep, commanding voice of his, but my terror overrides my ability to hear his words. I can’t breathe. I’m going to die. I’m going to—
Suddenly, I’m torn from his arms and wrapped up in another’s. The fear is still there, but only for a moment when I recognize Ambros’s scent enveloping me. Instead of fighting it, I sink into it, letting it claim me. Only then does my heart rate return to normal and my hearing rush in.
“That is not the fucking way, Havoc. She’s come too fucking far for you to set her back like that.”
“I’m trying to help.”
“I know. That’s the only reason I haven’t ripped your head off.”
“I’m your president.”
“Not right now, you’re not. Right now, you’re just the asshole who made my girl cry.”
I shiver in his arms and look up at him. His girl? I should be terrified at the prospect. I spent years being someone else’s property and having my power stripped from me. So why does the thought of being Ambros’s girl fill me with anything but fear?
“Like that, is it?” Havoc questions.
“I’ve lost enough people to know when to hold on tight, Havoc. I love being a Raven Soul. I love the family you guys gave both me and my sister, but if you ask me to choose—”
“No. I’m not asking that. And the next time you say something so fucking stupid, I’ll remind you you’re not the only one who knows how to fight.”
I feel movement beside me and look down to see Star move in beside us, her arm wrapped around Ambros’s leg as she stares at Havoc.
“Citi?”
I turn in Ambros’s arms to face Havoc, feeling my face flush with embarrassment.
“I love you. I love Star. The thought of anything else happening to either of you kills me, and not just because it will wreck my old lady,” Havoc says.
“I know. We can try again. I—”
“No. I don’t think I’m the right guy. How about I work with Star instead, and you work with Ambros? Something tells me he’ll be able to break down your barriers far easier than I ever could.”
I bite my lip and tip my head back to look up at Ambros. “Okay. I want to do this, but once that panic rolls in, everything else disappears.”
“We’ll work on that, angel, you and me. We’re a team, okay?” Ambros murmurs down at me before kissing the tip of my nose.
“What about you, Princess? You think you might want a chance to kick Uncle Havoc’s butt?” Ambros teases Star. She takes on a determined look before she marches over to Havoc, pulls back her little fist, and punches him straight in the nuts.
We all freeze for a second. Well, all of us but Havoc, who falls to his knees with a gasp. I cover my mouth with my hand, unsure how to react, but Ambros has no such convictions. He swoops in and lifts Star, tugging her fist into the air as he jogs around the room with her.
“And the winner by knockout is the sensational, the spectacular, the sassy, Miss Star,” he yells, making Star laugh.
I hurry over to Havoc, who is now sprawled on his back, moaning. “Are you okay?”
“Never better,” he moans, cupping himself. “Though I think I need to bring in reinforcements.”
“For a little girl?”
“That kid had one hell of a right hook. I want to see her try it out on Toot.”
* * *
True to his word, Havoc took over training Star. In doing so, he roped in half of the club, turning it into a fun event that all the guys wanted in on. Slowly but surely, I watch as Star comes out of her shell. Watching her bloom under their attention becomes my new favorite thing.
I’d love to say my journey was as easy, but that would have been a lie.
I could handle Ambros’s hands on me, far more than anyone else’s.
Having him hold me tight like Havoc did that day proved easy enough for me to adapt to.
Once he saw I was in control, he went on to show me the basic moves to break his hold.
My problem came when we moved on to me being pinned to the ground, chest to the mat with his body over mine.
It’s as if my brain shuts down. I stop fighting, stop moving.
Ambros says my heart rate slows down, which scared the shit out of him.
Apparently, I go into a trance-like state and have no memory of it once I come around.
And since I can’t remember it, it’s making it that much harder to navigate it.
When I come to this time, instead of waking up on the ground with a worried Ambros hovering over me, I find myself in his lap as he rocks me, gently humming to me.
“Ambros?”
All the air rushes out of him, and his grip on me tightens for a second. “Thank fucking Christ.”
“I’m sorry,” I hiccup, feeling myself get emotional.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.”
“For how long, Ambros? How long until my crazy stops being cute and becomes an inconvenience?”
“I hate to break it to you, Citi, but your crazy was never cute. It just reminds me of what happened to you. If I could go back in time, I’d rip that motherfucker apart with my bare hands before he could ever touch you. But then…”
“But then I wouldn’t have Star. I get it, trust me.
To undo what he did to me, I have to undo Star’s existence, and I can’t.
She’s the best thing that ever happened to me.
But then I look at the life she has lived and wonder if I’m being selfish for thinking that way, too.
So many conflicting emotions make my head feel like it’s going to explode.
Throw in friends, family, therapists, and a million keyboard warriors telling me how I should be feeling, and I don’t know if I’m coming or going. ”
“Let’s call it a day, okay?”
I nod before pressing my face against his neck, soaking in the comfort he gives me. “I think I need to find another therapist.”
“I thought you already had one?”
“I’ve had a couple, but the current one is back home. Zoom and phone calls aren’t enough. I need in-person meetings because I feel too disconnected. It’s hard to share any intimate details of my life with a stranger as it is, but…”
“No, I get it, and I think it’s a good idea.”
I lift my head and give him a shaky smile. “I should have done it sooner. I got Star into one as soon as we moved here. Not that Star talks, of course, but she draws pictures and interacts with her therapist in her own way. I thought I’d be okay doing my own therapy remotely, but I was wrong.”
“There’s no shame in that, angel. You tried something and it didn’t work out, so now you try something else.”
“Thanks for not judging me.”
“Why the fuck would I judge you? If you had cancer, you’d get treatment. If you broke your leg, you’d get X-rays. Now your brain needs a little help, so why the stigma? You have an issue, and you’re going to an expert to help make you feel better. Simple.”
And it really is in his eyes. I relax into him, not wanting to move, but I can’t stay in his lap forever.
“You always know just what to say to me.”
He snorts. “Fuck, I wish that were true.”
I lift my head and stare at him, my breath catching in my throat at our proximity.
“If you knew what I really wanted to say, you’d run for the hills.”
“I don’t know about that, Ambros. It seems the only running I’ve done lately has been to you.”
He reaches up and slides his hand under my jaw, tipping it back as his eyes drop to my mouth. “You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now.”
I let my eyes flutter closed at the thought before I whisper a truth I’ve never told anyone. “I’ve never been kissed before.”
He freezes under me. I open my eyes, worried I’ll see disgust. But there is nothing but unbridled heat in his gaze. “How is that possible? No, don’t answer that. I’m glad he never got that. No, you get to choose when, where, and who you give your first kiss to—”
Before he can finish, I press my lips to his. He freezes a second time, shock rendering him immobile. Not sure what I’m supposed to do next, I start to pull away. But he slides his hands into my hair, anchoring me in place and shows me what it truly means to be kissed.