Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
CITI
It was hard not to feel small and insignificant standing next to this woman who looked like she could walk on water if she tried.
“So what kind of books do you like? I bet you like MC books. I tried reading them, but it’s weird with my dad being, you know…” She drifts off as she turns to look at me again, a frown marring her face. “Are you okay? I know I can be a lot.”
“No. I promise it’s nothing like that. You’re beautiful and nice. And now I sound like I’m hitting on you, which I’m not. Not that I wouldn’t if I liked girls. Which I don’t. But if I did….Okay, stop talking now, Citi.”
Six starts laughing, and honestly, it’s so infectious, I can’t help but join in.
“I’m sorry, I’m a mess.”
Six holds out her hand for me to shake. “Hi, mess, I’m catastrophe. Nice to meet you.”
I chuckle and shake her hand, blowing a strand of hair from my face. “You too. In answer to your question, I haven’t read an MC book yet. I mostly read urban fantasy or some paranormal romance. I find a make-believe world a little safer to navigate.”
“Even with all the monsters?”
“Those aren’t the monsters I’m afraid of.” I swallow, not sure why I said that.
“I was born in a cage. My mom died in one. I was sold when I turned eighteen, but in a twist of fate, I ended up with Will. I understand all about monsters, Citi.”
I let out a deep shuddering breath. “I know a lot of people now who have had shitty things happen to them, some really, truly awful, but…” I stumble over how to say the rest without sounding like I’m downplaying what they went through because I’m not. Not at all.
“But their torment was just a blink of time for us.”
“Yeah.” I feel my shoulders slump. She gets it.
I lean against one of the bookcases and feel myself slide down to the ground, pulling my knees to my chest. A moment later, Six joins me.
“Bad things happen to good people all the time. But most people get to go home afterward, or they have people who rally around them. They could seek out services like therapy, or heck, even the medicinal value of a bottle of whiskey.”
“But every day was Groundhog Day for us.”
She looks at me, confused. I explain about the movie I once saw, where a man was forced to relive the same day over and over.
“That was the worst. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. Just darkness as far as the eye could see.”
“Exactly. I don’t know how to explain it to anyone else.
As much as I hated the isolation, some days the alternative is too much too.
I get overly stimulated so easily. Yesterday, the washing machine was running, and the AC was on.
I could hear Star playing with her toys, and one of the neighbors’ dogs was barking.
All normal everyday things I longed for now made me feel like I was coming out of my skin. ”
She rests her head on my shoulder, making me jump.
“I get weird in large spaces. Not just ones filled with people, but like large open fields sometimes too. All I ever wanted was to go outside, but outside the cage can be scary, too. I knew what to expect when I was inside. Out here, everything is loud and new and really confusing most of the time. In my cage, I was not important. I was the same as everyone else. Just a number, mostly forgotten about, and I was okay with that. In a big open space, I’m the odd man out.
I feel unsafe, like someone might sneak up behind me and—”
I slide my hand over hers as she swallows. “And drag you back to hell.”
“Yeah.”
We sit quietly for a moment, our minds silent as our demons play with each other, giving us a much-needed reprieve.
“Does it get better?”
“Yes. I promise it gets better. It doesn’t disappear.
I still remember everything as if it happened only yesterday.
You can’t just wipe it away, you know. You have to learn to build your life around your trauma instead of trying to erase it altogether.
Because, right or wrong, everything that happened to you helped you become who you are. ”
She lifts her head to look at me. “I have friends. Tough friends and shy friends, friends who have traumatic stories of their own, and friends who have been nothing but blessed. But sometimes I can be surrounded by them and still feel alone. Somehow, sitting here with you, I don’t feel so alone anymore, Citi. ”
I smile, and though it’s shaky, it’s genuine. “I have a cell phone now. Do you want to…I don’t know, maybe keep in touch? Only if you want to, though—”
“I’d love that. I’ll have to get my number from Will, though, because I still can’t remember it. Ooh, I have a game he put on there for me. It’s a word game that you can play with friends. You should get that, and we can play together.”
“Okay, cool.” I grin, looking around. “We should find a book before Ambros gets worried and comes looking for us.”
“Is Ambros your boyfriend?”
“He’s my friend. I’m not sure I’m ready for a boyfriend or if I’ll ever be ready. The thought of—” I take a deep breath before continuing. “The thought of being intimate with anyone is terrifying.”
“You’ve only known the horrible side of sex. I promise you, though, that sex and intimacy with the right person is amazing. It’s nothing like what I thought it would be.”
“It doesn’t hurt?” I whisper.
She blinks back tears and shakes her head. “Will would cut off his own hands before he hurt me.”
I think about what she’s saying. I know from books and movies that sex has to be pleasurable, for some people at least, otherwise they wouldn’t keep having it.
“Do you like him? Ambros, I mean?”
“Yeah. I like him a lot. But he deserves better than to have to deal with all this.” I indicate myself.
“You don’t think he deserves a strong, kind, and brave woman?”
“Well, yeah, but—”
“Good. Because that’s what you are, you know.”
“I don’t feel very brave,” I admit.
“That’s because the brave ones never do.” She gets to her feet and holds out her hand for me. I take it and let her help me up. “Okay, you choose for me, and I’ll choose a book for you, and once we’ve read them, we can discuss them. What do you think?”
“Like a mini book club?”
Her eyes widen before she claps. “I’ve never joined a club before. Yes. We’ll make our own book club. I’m so excited.”
And I can’t help but feel excited too, about the books, of course, but mostly because I made a friend.
* * *
We exchange numbers and books while talking over food and hot chocolate. I get to know Will and King a little more, too, but mostly my attention is focused on Six and hers on me.
By the time we pull up at the clubhouse later to collect Star, I’m wearing a huge smile and feel ten times lighter.
“Sorry, our date got hijacked,” Ambros says to me as he helps me off the bike and takes my helmet.
“I had a great time.”
“You did?”
“Yes. Thank you. I know we didn’t get to do date things, but we can have more dates, right?”
He leans closer, his hands moving to my hips. “Absofuckinglutely.”
I grin and lift on my tiptoes to peck his lips. It’s not enough, of course, the man is a giant compared to me. But he doesn’t make me work for it, dipping his head and grazing his lips over mine before pulling back.
“So fucking sweet.”
“It’s my lip gloss.”
“It’s you.”
I look up into his earnest eyes and blurt out what’s been on my mind since we left the bookstore. “Teach me.”
He frowns. “Teach you what?”
“How it’s supposed to be between a man and a woman.”
He blinks before swallowing hard. “Citi, you don’t know what you’re asking.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t treat me like I’m a child without a mind of my own. I know what happened to me, Ambros. I was there. I remember every fucking second of it. I’m asking you to help me reclaim what he stole from me.”
“Fuck, angel, I want you, you know I do, but are you sure you’re ready for this?”
“No. I’m not sure about anything, but I know I want to try. And I have to start somewhere. What I do know is it’s you, or it’s nobody.”
He pulls me into him, holding me so I can feel the evidence of how hard he is pressed against my stomach.
He kisses me, harder than before, allowing me a peek of what he’s feeling before he tears his mouth away and rests his forehead against mine.
“You control everything. You say stop, I stop. I don’t care if my dick is inside you. You tell me no, it stops. I swear it.”
“I know, Ambros. And that’s why it has to be you. I don’t trust anyone else to take care of me the way you do.”
He frowns. “I’ll help you anyway you need me to. But you’ve gotta know, angel, this is more than an experiment for me.”
I reach up and flick his forehead. “Don’t be an idiot.”
He huffs out a laugh. “Yes, ma’am.”
I roll my eyes, hoping it can always be as easy as this between us, though I know that will be impossible with what I’ve asked of him.
“Know if I freak out and cry, it’s not you. I’ve been around dozens of men since I got free, but you are the only one I’ve been attracted to. You are everything I want in a man. I just have to see, have to try, if I can be everything you need in a woman.”
Before he can refute that and tell me I’m already everything he needs, because he’s a good guy, and that’s precisely what he’ll say, I silence him with my hand across his mouth.
“For this to work, we have to be honest with each other always. Even when it hurts. Even when it might break us.”
He grits his teeth. “I won’t do anything to hurt you, Citi. Please don’t ask that of me.”
“Sometimes it’s gotta hurt first before it heals, but this works both ways. If you ask me to stop, if it all becomes too much, you have to tell me. I won’t make you do something you don’t want to do either. I promise.”
He shudders against me but relents. I feel it in the way his body relaxes against mine.
“You’re going to be the death of me. I just fucking know it.”
I grin but don’t dispute his words. Something tells me this will be one of the hardest things we’ve ever done.