Chapter Three
Allie
Landon Hayes is not what I expected. The only things I know about him were what he looked like from Logan’s picture and that he was sent to bring me back to Washington.
It’s not the looks that are causing me to sit here in this quiet car with my mind running a mile a minute.
It’s the fact that he has known me for all of a few hours, more like a few minutes, when he gave me an out. He made up some excuse so I didn’t have to speak to the girl who is supposed to be my best friend. I have no idea how he knew that I desperately needed it in that moment, but I am grateful he did.
Because the truth is, when she told me she loved me, I had no words. Which isn’t unusual because I’ve become accustomed to my words being used as punishment, so having freedom to say what I want feels wrong. I know Logan is a safe space and that she would never hurt me. I know she would do anything in her power to protect me. But it’s what she said that is stopping me.
I love you.
A phrase I’ve heard an infinite amount of times. A phrase I’ve said countless times. But now, like everything else, that phrase has no meaning.
Because, like everything else, he ruined it. He messed with my mind so much, I truly believed what he was doing was okay. Then, as if he didn’t already inflict enough damage to last a lifetime… he didn’t give me a chance to say them to the two people in this world that I would have died for.
Images start replaying in my mind, and I squeeze my eyes shut to try to turn them all off. My eyes fly open and suddenly the car feels like it is getting smaller. I look over at Landon, his eyes focused on the road. I can see the tension in his arm as he grips the wheel so hard that his knuckles are white.
My mind is screaming at me that I need to get out of the car now, but I can’t. We are on a busy highway surrounded by traffic as we enter the outskirts of the city. The sun shining off the high-rise buildings in the distance. And as we get closer, the feeling of suffocation grows stronger. Suddenly, the car is smaller. Landon is closer. And the idea of being stuck in a metal tube in the sky makes me want to vomit.
My eyes squeeze shut again and immediately fly open when images of the past few months come flying at me. I try to focus on the cars in front of us, but nothing is calming the hurricane inside of me.
“Allie.” Landon’s voice cuts through the panic, but I ignore him.
I feel my nails dig into my palms.
Get it together Allie. He isn’t here. He can’t hurt you. You are fine.
Leaning forward, I place my head between my legs to get my breathing under control, but my pleas are useless because my eyes grow blurry and my nails dig further into my palm. I try to open my eyes, but it feels like I am trapped in my own living nightmare that is at the mercy and control of a monster.
The car feels like it’s being crushed around me, leaving me inches of room to breathe.
Suddenly, the car jerks to the side, and my body hits the door. Is this finally the moment the voices and images will be silenced?
The rational part of my brain kicks in and I lift my head up from my lap so when the impact hits, I am not increasing the chances that I break my neck and am forced to live a life dependent on others helping me.
Sitting back in the chair, my eyes remain closed so I don’t have to watch the horror of Logan’s future brother-in-law dying in an accident he would have never been in if he didn’t have to come rescue me.
I can’t help the chuckle that leaves my mouth as the car makes another sudden jerk. My luck would allow me to finally escape a monster , only to die in a car accident.
Damn, fate must really fucking hate me.
The car stops abruptly, and I lean back against the seat. However, this is going to happen, I hope it’s quick. Not that I can feel anything, anyway. I’m already so numb.
A bright light shines and I chuckle once again. I would go and see a bright light as I fade away forever.
I wait for everything to fade away and I hate to admit it, but I feel a sense of happiness. I will no longer have to feel the pain anymore. Maybe if there is an afterlife, I can reunite with my parents?
A gust of wind hits me in the face.
“Allie!” a voice yells, sounding vaguely familiar.
“Allie! Open your eyes, please,” the voice says, this time sounding closer.
I feel a soft touch on my shoulder and jolt. What the hell?
My eyes fly open and I blink away the blurriness. Landon’s face comes into focus, a bright light shining behind his head.
Weird. I never thought the first face I would see as it all ends is the man that I just met.
I feel pressure on my shoulder once more and Landon says, “Allie. Are you okay?”
Confusion hits me as I watch the distress on his face morph into pure panic. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a hand come close to my face and I turn my face on instinct.
“Shit. I’m so sorry. You weren’t responding. I won’t do it again. I promise.”
What is he talking about? I stare at him and try to figure out what is going on.
His hand scrubs down his face and he mutters, “Fucking everything up like always. Good job, Landon.”
I don’t think he is aware that he said that out loud as he crouches down outside the passenger door and his eyes lock on mine.
“Do you want to get out of the car and get some air?”
“What is going on?” I ask, finally finding my voice.
His head tilts slightly as one hand stabilizes him against the car and the other goes to scratch the back of his neck.
“We were on the highway and all of a sudden you started shaking. I asked if you were okay and you didn’t respond. Then I saw your hands starting to bleed. You didn’t respond again when I said your name. I didn’t know what to do, so I got off the highway and pulled into this gas station. I thought fresh air and not feeling trapped in the car would help. Do you want me to call someone?”
My mind spirals. I think back and can’t remember him saying my name.
“I thought we got into an accident. I—I thought we were dead.”
Landon’s eyebrows shoot up and he shakes his head.
Everything around me becomes more clear and I look past Landon to see the station and gas pumps. I glance around and see cars coming in and out of the parking lot, and in the distance, I can hear the cars speeding on the highway.
Then it all clicks and I lean my head back against the seat. I was so lost in my panic that I imagined myself meeting my end. And the worst part is that I felt a twinge of happiness about it.
I look down at my hands and see crescent moon shaped marks in my palms, and blood trailing from a few of the marks.
Shit.
Once more, I lean my head back and take a deep breath. I need to get my shit together. I cannot keep breaking all the damn time. Just because something bad happened to me, doesn’t give me an excuse to dissociate so much that I imagine my own damn death.
Landon is here helping me, and he is probably seconds from calling an ambulance and Logan.
I haven’t let myself feel in months. Not when I was free. Not when I finally took my first shower in so long. Or when I called Logan. I almost let it happen when I met Alec, but I blame that on the exhaustion.
Now here I am, with a man I barely know, and I’m letting my mind wander to the point where the pain I feel deep in my bones blinds me.
“Allie. I’m sorry. I want to give you as much time as you need, but if we are going to make our flight, we need to get back on the road.”
I turn to look at him and glance out at the parking lot, then back at him. He looks over his shoulder and stands. Before backing away for me to get out of the car, I watch as he scans the area, then backs up.
Getting out of the car, I walk a few feet before stopping. The sun beats down on my face and the wind whips through my hair. I take a deep breath, letting the fresh air fill my lungs. As the seconds tick by, I feel the remainder of the panic settle enough for me to think rationally.
I need to get back in the car. Get on a plane to a place I have never been. And face the girl that is the only person I have left in this world. But for some reason, I find myself dragging my feet. Something in me is telling me no. Maybe it’s the idea of being stuck in a metal tube for hours. Or the memories of the last time I was on a plane.
My parents’ faces flash through my mind and I am transported back to a time before everything turned black.
Mom sits next to Dad on the sofa in their living room. I am up in Alabama for the weekend visiting them. Work has been so crazy, but I try to come up every chance I get. There’s barely been time to call Logan. Not that I have spoken to her much in the past few months. She has been working crazy shifts in the ER. And with her being on days and me on nights, it makes it really easy for us to miss each other.
“I spoke to Logan yesterday.,” Mom says with a huge smile on her face.
Sitting back in the rocking chair, I smile and say, “Oh yeah? Did you tell her how much you miss your favorite daughter?”
Mom scrunches her nose at me. “Oh shush. You know you are always going to be my favorite. But I had to check on my other girl. You both are off doing such a good job. I just wish your big hearts didn’t take you so far from home.”
I nod. “I know Mom. We both miss you guys. Lo seems to be loving it up there. I heard she was moving soon to get out of the city. She’s just looking for a place.”
Dad pats Mom’s knee. “She said something about that. I’m glad. I hated her living there. There’s a crap ton of missing persons cases and crime in that city. She needs to get somewhere safer.”
I nod in agreement.
“Oh! But guess what! We’re planning to make a trip up to see her. She said she’s been meaning to take a trip to California soon, so she invited us to come explore with her. She said she texted you about it. Told me to give you my best mom look to get you to come, too.”
I laugh. Brat. That girl would sick my own mother on me to get me to take time off.
“You don’t have to do much convincing, Mom. I need a break and would love to see that little shit.”
We all fall into a fit of laughter and start making plans.
I feel a lone tear slip down my face as the memory fades away. That was the last time I saw my parents happy in the place I used to call home. Which I don’t even know if it exists anymore. There’s no telling what he did to it.
An idea hits me and I want to ask Landon, but I’m sure he needs to get back to Washington.
I wonder how much Logan would freak out if I sent Landon on the plane alone and drove instead.
Disappointment hits when I start thinking over my plan and realize how unrealistic it is. I have no money. No clothes. No means to protect myself. I can’t ask Landon because I barely know the guy and can’t just outright ask him to lend me money.
I shake my head and turn to walk back to the car.
I can do this. Logan texted me saying that she gave Landon some motion sickness medicine for the plane, so maybe that will knock me out and I won’t even remember the plane ride.
As that thought settles, it makes me sick. I can’t do that. Logan wouldn’t put her trust in someone that would hurt me. But who’s to say that some random won’t while Landon isn’t paying attention?
My mind starts racing again, and my eyes lock on Landon.
He is leaning against the car, sipping on a fountain drink, one foot crossed over each other. I didn’t even notice he walked into the gas station. I must have been too lost in my own world.
He is wearing sunglasses, but I can tell the moment his eyes lock with mine behind the lenses. He motions beside him to the drink sitting on the trunk of the car.
I walk over and hesitantly pick it up. He watches me and shakes his head. “It’s Dr. Pepper. Logan said that was your favorite. Figured we will need it before we hit the road.”
I nod and bring the straw to my mouth. It waters, making me realize how thirsty I am. Taking a sip, the carbonated drink hits the back of my throat with a tingle and I sigh.
It may not be a big deal to anyone else, but being stuck in a basement, the drink and food options weren’t the best. So this being the first time I’ve had anything other than water in months, I take a moment to soak it in.
I walk towards the passenger door and Landon goes around to the driver’s side. He turns on the car and I wait for him to make his way towards the airport.
“I’m not going to ask you what happened back there. But I need you to answer one thing.”
I brace for whatever he is going to ask.
“Would being on a plane cause that to happen again?” He says and I’m shocked. How the hell did he pick up on that when I have barely uttered a word?
I don’t know what to say, so I nod.
He nods and takes a sip of his drink. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. But Logan cannot fly. My mom can, but she told me she isn’t the best option for what you need. So these are our options.”
He pauses for a moment, and I can’t help but notice how much his mood has shifted. He is more robotic. Like he is making a business proposal or setting a plan in action to a group of coworkers. He isn’t being an asshole, but he is definitely not entirely the same person who was just freaking out after I thought we got into a car accident. Or the man that offered me an out from speaking to Logan.
Continuing, “The other option we have is to drive back. It’s a long drive and we will have to stop multiple times to sleep so we don’t wreck, but I will get us separate rooms every time.”
With his words, an ounce of tension leaves my body at the idea of not being stuck on a plane. And as much as the idea of sitting in the car for hours with a man I can’t fully grasp or understand scares me, I need more time before I face Logan.
And most of all, I need to make a very important stop before facing her.
I turn my body towards Landon, who is typing on his phone.
“Okay.” His head snaps up at my response and I continue before he speaks. “Umm…can we make a stop on the way?”