Chapter Four
Landon
“What do you mean you missed your flight?”
Scrubbing my hand down my face, I lean back against the car, watching the gas station doors that Allie just walked through.
“Angel. Give him a chance to explain before you jump down his throat. I’m sure there is an explanation as to why my straight laced, by the book brother missed a flight that he booked,” Grayson says, not hiding his frustration.
“Grayson. Stop. Don’t be a dick. I just want to know what happened. Sorry Lan. I’m just so confused.” Logan says.
I let out a sigh and try to explain, but Noah starts up and so does Mom.
Damn. I love them, but I have never been happier to be thousands of miles away from them at this moment.
They go on for a few more moments and my eyes never leave the door. I see her walking around perusing the snack aisle. It took me a few minutes, but I finally convinced her to go inside and grab something. I felt like shit and knew she needed to eat. There is no telling how much that asshole let her eat. So the only thing I knew for certain I could do was try to give her life’s basic things, like food and drinks.
We had been on the road for hours after the decision to drive instead of fly and she had denied every food opportunity we passed.
This day has just been one mind fuck after another. Starting with meeting her, to her panic attack in the car, which led me to the bright idea of being in the same car as a person I have no business being with for days.
I can barely control my mind slipping into a dark place. How am I supposed to help Allie?
But I can’t discredit myself too much and it’s all because of Logan. I may not know much about panic attacks, but from spending time with her and hearing from Grayson how he helps Logan in her darkest moments, I knew the moment Allie started disappearing into herself, she was having one. A very, very bad one.
Grayson had brought up ways to help Logan in case Logan ever went through one when he wasn’t there, especially after the attack. My brothers and I took everything in that he would give us because Logan is our family and now that she is going on missions with us, I didn’t want to be thrown into the unknown in an already dangerous situation.
So when I saw Allie slipping into that dark space, I knew the basics. Take her out of the current situation, fresh air, and remind her she is here in the present and not whatever situation her mind trapped her in.
I watched the look on her face as she came out of her panic attack and realized she would have to be trapped in a metal tube for hours with nowhere to escape to. My mind raced with what to do to give her some semblance of peace while the fire burned in my veins, desperately trying to distract me.
I had no choice but to do the only thing I could and shut them up.
As much as I hate to give into the urges and let the voices screaming in my head have any power, I am not naive enough to discount the chokehold they have on my life.
I am at their mercy and if I do not give them what they want, I cannot function.
So here we are. My mind isn’t clear. It never truly is, but the fog has cleared enough for me to show Allie an ounce of safety and protection that she so rightfully deserves.
“Landon!” Noah’s voice breaks me out of my thoughts.
“What?” I say absentmindedly as I watch Allie exit the store and start walking toward me, her head on a swivel as she clutches her bag of food close to her chest.
“What do you mean what? I have said your name like fifty times. Get your head out of your ass and tell us what the fuck is going on, asshat!” Noah pauses and continues, this time talking to one of my brothers, “Since when am I the responsible, bossy one? Did we enter the matrix, or some fucked up dimension where I am in charge? Because if that’s the case, I want radio control on the next mission. I’m tired of Logan and Wes’s bullshit.”
“Hey! Sleep Token and Backstreet Boys are not bullshit! Watch it or I’m going to tell Wes what you said at dinner last night about his jeans that look girly or whatever it is you said.”
Allie walks up and stands a few feet away, keeping her distance, leaning against the car. I nod and she opens the bag, handing me a candy bar. I raise my eyebrows and she shrugs.
Moving to the trunk, still giving Allie space, I set the phone down and flip the phone on speaker. Allie rises slightly to see the name on the phone just as Mom speaks up.
“Noah! It is not nice to call a grown woman a tattletale!”
Noah and Mom go back and forth and I look over to see Allie just staring at the phone.
Muting the mic, I say, “This is what you have to look forward to. I don’t know if Logan told you about the family dynamic, but my youngest brother, Noah, is a fucking lunatic. He’s strong as hell, but he is also crazy as hell. He really loves fucking with my oldest brother, Wesley. And Logan has adopted the little sister role and eggs it on with Mom. It’s hilarious, but their timing sucks.”
She takes a moment to listen and as she hears Logan laugh, her face briefly morphs into anger before she hides it. That split second of anger only lasted a moment, but it was enough to convince me that this road trip was definitely needed.
“Alright. Everyone lets focus. Let’s get back to the reason why you are all in my house right now, interrupting my alone time with my fiancée.” Grayson says, sounding pissed off.
Clearing my throat, “It’s about time. I’ve only been standing here for–” I check the time on the call and continue, “ten minutes while you all argue about Wes’s ass. Do you even remember why you called?”
“Sorry Lan. Can you please explain what is going on and if Allie is okay?”
I glance over at Allie and see her sighing and turning her back against the trunk, staring out at the empty parking lot.
“She is fine, Lo. I made the decision that it would be better to drive and not be stuck on an airplane. I–hang on a second.” Muting the mic, I turn to Allie. “What do you want me to tell her? I don’t want to be an ass and say something you don’t want her knowing.”
Allie is silent for a moment and her next move shocks me. She spins and hits the mic and says, “I’m fine. Being trapped in a tube with more people I don’t know doesn’t sound appealing to me right now. Landon offered up the idea of driving, so I figured that was the better alternative. And we are stopping at my parents’ so I can see if he left anything of theirs or if he destroyed everything like he destroyed them.”
Allie’s hands go to her mouth as soon as the last word leaves her mouth. The line goes silent and I have no idea what to do or say. I watch as she sets her drink on the truck and takes a step back from the car. Her arms cross over her chest and she stares down at her feet.
I know she didn’t intend for those words to come out, especially the last few that were filled with hurt and frustration.
Silence continues and just as I am about to break it and explain the plan to my brothers, Grayson’s voice filters through the phone. “Take as long as you need. Drive safe. Switch off and if you need help to find hotels along the way, just let us know. Text or call every few hours so we know you guys are safe.”
In the background, I can hear a shuffle and Grayson’s muffled voice cuts through the phone. “Bye guys, I’ll call you later.” Voices sound far away and Grayson says, “She will be fine. Let her be alone for a moment and I promise, as soon as I say goodbye to Landon, I will go sit with her.”
Glancing back at Allie, she holds her arms banded around herself and keeps her eyes locked on the ground.
“Sorry Lan. Mom, Noah, and Wes were leaving. Call if you need anything. I’ll keep you updated if I hear anything from Carter.”
“Thanks Gray. We will be stopping soon and I will let you know where.” Lowering my voice to a whisper and taking the phone off speaker, I bring the phone to my ear and say, “Is Logan okay?”
“She will be. My girl is strong. But don’t worry about her. Stay focused on getting Allie whatever she needs. Stay safe.”
“I will. Talk to you later.” With that, I hang up and lean against the car.
Allie’s head pops up, and she waits for me to speak first. When I don’t, I can see her shoulders sag in relief.
I’m the last person who would or should ever judge anyone for saying something out of anger to someone you love. I’ve done it countless times when the voices were screaming at me for a release in the moments where I couldn’t get them what they needed.
So no, she wasn’t wrong. And if that is the worst thing she snaps at Logan for on her endless road to whatever version of normal or healed she settles on, that will be a cakewalk.
“We have about two more hours until we reach the Pennsylvania border. I figure that is the best spot to rest for the night. I picked out a few hotels that are safe and was going to let you pick one out on the way.”
“I can sleep in the car so, can you pick now before we get on the road?”
What the hell? Sleep in the car? Why the hell would she do that?
Because she doesn’t feel safe with you, you incompetent idiot.
“There will be two separate rooms. I would like them to be on the same floor for safety reasons, but if they aren’t, that’s fine.”
She goes to protest, but I cut her off. “Sorry, not trying to be a controlling asshole, but I can’t let you sleep in the car. I know things are weird as hell right now. And I know you don’t trust me, but I promise I will not even step foot into your room unless it’s a life or death situation. Plus, you will need a good night's sleep if you are going to be my navigator. Can’t have us getting lost or my brother will really kick my ass.” I try to add some humor into the tense situation, but Allie’s hesitancy doesn’t waver.
My shoulders slump in defeat and I rack my brain, trying to think of another way to convince her to stay in a hotel room.
My chest constricts, and the fire races through my veins at the lack of ideas that I am begging to come to me.
Not now, I beg .
The fire grows stronger and I know any moment, I will be forced to placate it or we will have an entirely new problem to deal with.
Just as I am about to walk around the side of the car to quiet the voices and smother the fire racing through my veins, Allie breaks the silence.
“Fine. But I would prefer you not know my room number.”
Relief fills my body, and I nod.
Grabbing the bag of food, I walk around to the driver's side, Allie doing the same to her side, and we both slide into the car.
Just before I drive away, I hand her my phone with the list of hotels and watch as she meticulously looks through the choices.
This is going to be the longest road trip of my goddamn life. And I just hope I can keep my shit together long enough, but at this rate, I highly doubt I will be that lucky.