Chapter Twenty-Five
Allie
“Landon! Wake up!”
Landon jerks awake as the pillow hits him directly in the face. He sits up and looks around, then squints his eyes at me. “Al. What the fuck?”
I try to hide the laugh behind my sleeve covered hand but I can’t. “Sorry not sorry Lan . Your damn snoring would wake up a damn bear during hibernation. Seriously, you need to get that checked out!”
Landon groans and flops back onto the couch, covering his face with his hand. “Whatever Miss Sleepy Chatty Cathy.”
I gasp. “Hey! I do not talk in my sleep, asshole!”
Landon shakes his head and laughs, his arm still covering his face. “Oh yeah, you do. And don’t worry. I won’t tell people you told all their secrets. Seriously Al, you are lucky it’s just me here because the shit you said was…interesting.”
I throw another pillow at him, this time hitting him right in the stomach. He pitches forward and lets out a huff.
“Dammit. Al! Where do you keep getting pillows?! Are you hoarding them next to your stash of secrets you keep underneath your blanket?”
Rolling my eyes, I shake my head and stare out at the snow coming down outside.
I didn’t expect to sleep at all last night and it wasn’t because of the pain in my hand. It was because I let a man sleep within a few feet of me. And the weird thing is, I didn’t think for a moment that he would try anything. I just closed my eyes, took a deep breath, cleared my head, and fell asleep.
Now where my dreams took me…I’m going to leave that to the dark part of my brain I refuse to go to right now.
Landon shocked me last night with his confession, and it showed a side of him I hadn’t seen before. We may have only been in each other’s lives for a few months, but every time we are together, I feel like he is slowly letting me see a piece of himself that I doubt he lets others see. And, I feel a weird sense of pride and comfort that I can not only be free to break down piece by piece in his company, but that he may be trying to do the same thing.
Movement catches my attention and I look over to see Landon standing and walking over to the kitchen. He goes to my medicine on the counter and awareness hits me right in the face and I glance down at my hand.
Flexing my fingers, pain radiates down my arm and I wince just as Landon walks up with medicine and a glass of water in hand.
His eyebrows raise and he nods at my hand with a questioning look.
“I’m fine. Thank you.” I say, taking the medicine and water.
Landon nods and moves to sit back on the couch, looking back out at the snow.
Silence blankets us like the snow is doing to the world outside and my mind drifts to images of yesterday. The knife hitting my skin in what I thought was an accident, but now that I’m thinking about it, I know in my gut it wasn’t. I wanted to feel something that wasn’t severe loneliness and guilt.
Looking down at my hand, tears well in my eyes as the gravity of how dark my mind went hits me.
Not wanting Landon to see, I try my hardest to not draw attention to myself as I wipe my tears, but it’s no use. That man has such a weird sensor in his brain that catches any hint of me being upset.
“Allie?”
Not wanting to see the concerned or pitying look on his face, I keep my eyes on the snow and say, “I’m fine.”
Silence fills the room once again until Landon speaks. “You’re not fine. But that’s okay.”
Goddammit Landon. His words bring the tears back full force, and I can’t contain them any longer. My vision blurs and my chest feels tight.
Fuck. I hate this so much.
Suddenly, Landon is kneeling in front of me, and his hand lightly touches my knee. For some reason, this movement makes me cry harder and I can’t stop the tears even if I wanted to. My chest constricts and I want it to all go away. I want the tears to stop. I want the pain to fade away, but it won’t. It never will.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I try desperately to stop the tears, but my attempts are futile. I attempt to wipe my face, but pain radiates down my hand and arm as my injured hand tries to brush the tears away angrily.
“Fuck!” I audibly let out a cry in frustration and utter hatred for the state of my life. My hands start to shake and it feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest.
Please make it stop.
The feeling of warmth on my face causes my eyes to fly open, and I am met with Landon, holding my face in his hands. His dark blues meet mine and I can see that concern and worry pooling in the depths of his storm filled eyes.
“Breathe Allie.”
I nod and his hands remain on my face, his thumb swiping away the tears as they fall.
Landon repeats himself a few times until my breathing returns to normal and my body fills with an unexpected wave of exhaustion.
Landon searches my eyes as the last tear falls and says, “What do you need? What can I do?”
Words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them and Landon’s hands drop from my face and moves to hold my injured hand. “What do I need? I need my life to be back to fucking normal. I need my parents to be alive. I need to feel like I can talk to my best friend again because I miss her so much it hurts. I need to live in a world where bad people who hurt others just for the hell of it or to gain power over those that they see as weak don’t fucking win. I need…I need…”
Landon’s eyes remain locked on mine. “What sweetheart? Whatever it is, I will do everything in my power to get it for you.”
He searches my face for any hint and I let the words fly out of my mouth. “I need a fucking hug.”
Without hesitation, Landon leans back to sit fully on the ground and opens his arms. I hesitate for a brief second, but I need this so desperately I cannot think about everything that is possibly wrong with this situation. Instead, I lean forward and Landon brings me into his arms and situates me on his lap.
His arms wind around me and hide my face in his neck, the smell of cinnamon filling my nose. Hands move up and down my back and for the first time in months, I start to feel some of the tension leave my body.
Not allowing my mind to wander, I close my eyes and focus on Landon. His hands running up and down my back, the warm and comforting smell of his cologne, and the sense of complete and total safety.
We sit for seconds, minutes, hours, who knows how long before a chill rackets my body. Landon notices and taps my leg. “You okay if I set you down and go grab some more wood for the fireplace? It’s getting pretty cold in here.”
Nodding, I climb off of him and back into my chair. I know I should feel awkward that I just sat in the lap of my only friend at the moment for who knows how long, but I don’t. I needed that and I know for certain, if I didn’t get it, my mind would be in a place that is far darker than I wish to be.
A few minutes later, Landon comes inside, his beanie covered in snow and his arms filled with wood. His nose is red, and he is shivering.
“Hey, there is this thing called a jacket. Maybe you should try one?” I say, trying to lighten the mood in the room.
“Yeah yeah, Miss southern belle. This is nothing but a little snow.”
Rolling my eyes, I watch as he gets the fire going again and places a stack of logs in a rack next to the fireplace.
After dusting himself off, he turns to me. I notice his hands shaking and I think he catches me looking because he shoves his hands in his pocket. “I’m gonna get going if you are okay. Doc said you should be okay from now on. I don’t want to overwhelm you by sticking around, plus I need to get home and.. uh—check on the house. If you need anything, just call me and I’ll come back. There’s enough wood to get you to the morning. I’ll come back and check on things before I head out of town.”
Head out of town? I wrack my brain and try to remember if he mentioned needing to go on a mission and cannot, for the life of me, remember him saying anything.
“Okay. When do you leave?”
“I was supposed to leave last night but the storm and I wanted to be here with you, so I am leaving tomorrow morning after I check on you.”
Nodding, I feel an odd sense of disappointment that he is leaving and could be gone for a few days. The idea of being alone again after just feeling that overwhelming sense of safety hits me hard and I turn my head so he doesn’t get the idea that something is wrong.
But of course, he did, and he says, “Al? I’m sorry. I want to stay. I promise you I would rather sit here and kick your ass at Uno again, but my brothers and the team need me. But if you need someone to talk to, I am just a phone call away. I will try to be back as soon as possible, but you know how these things can take time.”
“I understand. Take your time and be safe.” I can feel my mask slipping back into place and it’s to no fault of his own. I just need to find ways to survive my mind and not be so dependent on the company of someone else.
I am about to say stay safe when my mind catches on to one key detail as he starts to walk out the door. “Hey!”
Landon spins around and, by the smirk on his face, I can tell he knows I finally caught on. “You did not kick my ass at Uno. You fucking cheated!”
Landon shakes his head and laughs. “Mhmm. Be sure to tell that version to your friends you spill all your secrets to in your dreams. Because I can promise you, sweetheart, that is the only way that version will ring true.”
My mouth drops open and his head falls back in laughter as he walks out the door.
I sit back in my chair and shake my head with a smile on my face. “Freaking asshole.”