Chapter Twenty-Four
Allie
“I’ll set this on the counter if you want to go sit down and start a movie,” Landon says before heading to the kitchen island to set down the bags of food we picked up from the diner that was somehow open on Christmas Day.
The weight of today overcomes me, and I nod and head to the couch. Tapping the button on the remote, I watch as the curtains open on the floor to ceiling windows. Even though it’s dark, the heavy snow falls, and it almost feels like I’m inside a snow globe.
Today has been absolutely exhausting and the worst part is that my mind isn’t on the fact that I officially know what rock bottom feels like. It’s the fact that I finally pieced together what demons Landon has been fighting. And it hurts that I can’t do anything to stop his pain. Landon sits for hours while I try to silence the voices of my past screaming in my head, all while he fights the urge to not do the one thing that could kill him other than himself.
Now, I may be jumping to conclusions but as I sat in the doctors trying to think of anything other than the fact that I was sitting there with cuts so extensive that I had to have thirty stitches on a one and a half inch cut all I could think about was Landon and what may be going on inside his mind.
I had to think of anything other than me not doing it on purpose. I didn’t do it to feel something other than the gut wrenching pain that makes my mind spiral. Because that isn’t me. Allie Evans does not do that. Allie Evans is a nurse to little humans and patches up their booboos. She doesn’t fall so deep into her grief that she ends up in the chair of a doctor in a random mountain town while he looks at her with sympathy and tries to judge if she needs a psych evaluation.
No. I definitely didn’t think of that. I instead focused on placing all the puzzle pieces together from the last five months to see if my thoughts about Landon were true. And in my heart, I know I am right. The man fights day in and day out to save people from men and women that can’t take no for an answer. And it is up to him to find them.
He hasn’t explained much about what he does, but from the little I’ve gathered over the past few months, it seems like the weight of the world is resting on his shoulders. And anyone with that kind of pressure is going to have a breaking point or an Achilles heel. I really hope I’m wrong because alcoholism is something few people can survive, but even if I’m not, I feel like crap that I am not strong enough to help him through it.
I wish I could help him like a friend should, but I just can’t. And today proves exactly why I am not strong enough to do so. One bad trip down memory lane, and my mind wanders to places so dark I can’t see the road in front of me. And I hate myself for letting myself go down that path.
Glancing over my shoulder, I watch as Landon sorts through the array of food from the diner. I had told him I wasn’t that hungry, but he insisted that I have a nice home-cooked Christmas meal.
A gray Carhart beanie hides his trimmed hair, and he has tied his green and red flannel around his waist, leaving him in a long sleeve black shirt that he has pushed up his forearms.
I watch his hands shake slightly as he dishes the food onto plates and when his head suddenly pops up and catches me staring, his face isn’t full of concern like it normally is. He flashes me a smile and tilts his head towards me with an eyebrow slightly raised, and I immediately know what he is asking.
I nod, signaling that I am okay and go back to watching the heavy snow fall outside.
Jeez. The doc wasn’t kidding. This storm is absolutely no joking matter.
Movement at my side catches my attention and I turn to see Landon standing next to the chair, holding a plate of food full of the perfect Christmas dinner. The smell coming off the gravy flowing over the mashed potatoes onto the chicken fills my nose, and my stomach growls loudly.
A smile spreads across Landon’s face and he places a pillow in my lap, then hands me the plate. My stomach rumbles again as the steam from the collard greens and corn billows off the plate.
Looking back up at Landon, I flash him a smile. “Thank you. I guess I didn’t realize I was this hungry.”
Landon smiles and makes his way back to the kitchen, only to return a few moments later as I am taking a big bite of mashed potatoes. He has a Dr. Pepper in one hand and an ice pack in the other.
Walking around to the other side of the chair, he sets the Dr. Pepper into the cup holder then points to my hand, “Can I?”
I nod. My gaze is transfixed him as he raises the sleeve of my sweater slightly and places the ice pack against my bandaged hand and wrist. He then gently slides the sleeve of my sweater back down over the ice pack before resting it on the arm of the chair. Not meeting my eyes, he stands and walks over to the basket full of blankets and returns with one, again not meeting my gaze.
He lifts the pillow with my food and lays the blanket over my lap and places the pillow back down, again not meeting my gaze. My spine straightens and I can feel something is off. And it’s confirmed seconds later when he starts picking up the already clean house.
I sit in silence as he darts through the house, almost like he’s in fast forward mode. He darts to the kitchen, grabs a napkin, and is in front of me in seconds. His eyes are downcast as he says, “You have something on your mouth.” He sounds as if he isn’t even here, and a puppet inside his mind is controlling his actions.
Reaching out, I take it and our fingers brush. His head pops up and his gaze finally meets mine. Beneath his eyes, the skin is turning a deep shade of purple and his normally blue eyes are almost gray. It’s like his face is trying to tell the story of what is happening inside, which can only be compared to a raging storm causing waves of destruction and pain.
“Landon?” My voice is low, almost a whisper.
His eyes remain on where our hands just were and I know he’s lost deeply inside his mind. So I do the only thing that I can think to do, even though I still feel a slight hesitation ever since… him . Reaching out, I brush my pinky against his. Landon’s head snaps up and I feel his hands shaking.
“Lan. Please go sit down,” I ask softly.
Landon ignores me as his hands shake more. Not knowing any other way, I loop my pinky with his and squeeze. His chest starts to rise and fall rapidly, and I squeeze tighter.
“Landon.” This time my voice is louder and more stern. His heads snaps to me and I can see tears welling in his eyes.
Fuck.
My heart breaks and I don’t know what to do. My mind is so fucking numb from everything and seems to have forgotten how to give someone a meaningful and emotional response. But I want to. I feel like I need to.
I try to dig deep within myself and find the words to make his pain go away, but I can’t and I hate it. His breathing rapidly increases and I know if he doesn’t calm down, he will pass out. And with my current mindset and hand, this six-foot man passing out on my living room floor is the last thing we need at this moment.
Taking a deep breath, I channel what is left inside of me from my former self. “Landon. You need to sit down and take slower breaths or you are going to pass out. The weather is terrible outside right now and it would take help a long time to get here. So please go take a seat on the couch or the floor.”
He doesn’t move.
“You can do this. Just move slowly and I will be right here the entire time. I promise,” I say gently with another squeeze of his pinky.
Slowly, he nods and unwraps his pinky from mine. Moving as if he is floating, he goes to sit on the couch and immediately his head falls into his hands that are resting upwards on his knees.
We sit in silence as I watch his breathing begin to slow and when he is finally back to normal, he sits up and leans his back against the couch.
His gaze doesn’t meet mine, and he stares out at the snow falling more rapidly by the second. The sound of the crackling fire mixes with the smell of the food from the diner creating an almost picture perfect Christmas night. In any movie, this would look like the perfect scene. But like life itself, everything isn’t always what it seems.
Landon’s voice interrupts my thoughts. “Al?”
“Yeah?” I say, turning my attention to him. He looks completely disheveled. His shirt sleeves are rolled up to his elbows and his usually neatly trimmed beard is longer and messed up from him running his hands through it. I can tell he is exhausted and I can’t blame him.
“I’m sorry.”
“For?”
His gaze meets mine, and he says, “For you having to baby me. You just got home from the hospital and I was trying to take care of you and prove him wrong. But my mind went places, and it was like I couldn’t stop it. I should have said something or left as soon as you had food. But I can’t leave because Doc said you needed someone here, so I didn’t. I just—” His words come out at a rapid pace and I try to catch everything, but one thing stands out.
“Landon,” I say, cutting off his rambling.
“Sorry. I–”
“Landon. I mean this in the most respectful way, but shut up.”
He is clearly taken aback by my demand, with the way his body jerks and his brows furrow in confusion.
“Sorry. That was rude. It was the only thing I could think of to get you to stop apologizing and slow down.”
Landon understands my cues and crosses his arms against his chest, his tattoos on full display.
“Don’t be mad.”
He huffs in laughter. “Not mad. Just wasn’t expecting you to tell me to shut up. I am usually the one telling my brothers to, so it’s weird being on this side. But I get it. I was acting like a rambling lunatic.”
Sighing, I move the plate to the table and readjust my ice pack. “First. You aren’t a lunatic. You rarely speak, so a rambling moment here and there is the least of your worries. Second, you said something, and I wanted to ask you about it. But if you rather us go back to our norm of sitting in silence, we can. Just a heads up though, I’m exhausted, so if I don’t make it long before falling asleep, don’t take it personally.”
Landon nods and snags a blanket off the back of the couch and drapes it over his legs. Through the blanket, I can see his knee bouncing. “You know you can always ask me anything. But don’t get mad. I am sorry for my behavior earlier today and I am sorry for rambling.”
I nod and take a deep breath. “Who are you trying to prove wrong? And why?”
Landon scrubs a hand down his face and thinks for a moment before he speaks. “There is no right or wrong way to say this, so I am just going to rip off the bandaid. I was referring to Lainey’s cousin Lachlan. You heard me speak to him a few times on the drive here. But long story short, he is almost like a business partner. He runs his own set of missions up in his area. A year after we started, he joined and created his own sector of Resilience. He is also my best friend and knows when something isn’t right in my head…even if I don’t tell him.”
“So he called and wanted to discuss his sister, who was recently rescued by Lo and Gray. He asked me to come up and help out up there so he could focus on his sister, but I said I couldn’t leave here. And he didn’t mean it in a bad way, but he told me that what I am doing with you isn’t my norm and that he can find resources to help you.”
His gaze avoids mine, and I truly have no idea what to say. So many questions are hitting me at once. Lachlan believes that I need help? Landon is needed somewhere outside of Cliff Haven? Why do I feel like the knife that was in my hand earlier today is now in my gut at the idea of no longer having Landon to silence the voices in my head?
I go to speak, but I can feel the anxiety that I have no right to feel bubbling in my chest.
“Allie?”
My head snaps up. “I can see your mind spinning. Let me continue. Please?”
I nod and readjust my ice pack.
“I got very defensive, and I didn’t know why. But after hearing what the doc said and then coming back here, the realization hit me and it caused me to spiral.
“Today scared the shit out of me. I can’t even imagine what level of pain is going through your mind and what today felt like. But I thought I lost you. I will tell you why someday, but right now, just trust me and believe that it was like a nightmare coming true and it hit some part inside me. We have built this odd definition of a friendship based on being in silence in a world full of chaos, trying to take us down without knowing exactly what each other’s demons are. And the idea of losing that made me spiral. Just the knowledge that I can be there for you and somehow you know to be there for me, even without words, has meant more than you will ever know.
“These last few months have given me a purpose I didn’t realize I was missing. And even if it’s sitting in the shed on a rainy day or sitting around the fire, those days have given me a chance to escape my mind. But then hearing Lachlan say that I may not be the exact person you need caused my mind to spin and make me believe that I really am not. And that I have made up this entire arrangement for selfish reasons and that you are just wishing I would get the hint and go away.”
Words fail me once again. This is the most Landon has ever spoken in the months that we have known each other, and every word felt like he was speaking directly from my soul. Because I have felt the same way on so many days that Landon was on a mission. That maybe he didn’t need the shared silence as much as I did. And it hurts like hell that he felt the same way, but one comment from his friend made him think otherwise.
I go to speak and start and stop a few times, unable to find the right words to convey what is going on inside my head. Finally, after a few tries, I meet his gaze and see him sitting there patiently waiting for me to find the right words. He doesn’t look angry, upset, or regretful that he just spelled everything out and I am here, unable to find a single word.
“Words fail me most days. And not because there aren’t words in the dictionary to describe how I feel. It’s because for months, he used words as a weapon against me. I became so used to not saying anything at all to have an ounce of relief. When I met you, I feared you would want to talk. But you didn’t. And quickly I learned that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Silence once meant something bad was coming as a consequence of words that were spoken. And now, with you, silence is a safe space for my mind not to wander.
“Sitting in silence with you while you battle your mind has allowed me to rediscover that silence isn’t always a form of punishment. It can be a break in the storm, even if it’s just a small patch of sunshine on a rainy day. From day one, you have made me feel safe, and that I didn’t need to rush getting back to whatever normal is. And is that an odd definition of a friendship? Yes. But it is the right thing for me right now and I do not want to lose that. So if Lachlan needs you. I get it. I will figure it out. But he is very wrong. People have different definitions of helping others, but what you are doing for me is right, and no one needs to understand that but you and I.”
I stare at my hand, giving him space to think and force my mind to stay in the moment and not let it run wild.
“I have no words other than thank you.”
My head pops back up. “Not sure what you are saying thank you for, but you’re welcome.”
Landon looks back to the window. “Damn, that weather report wasn’t lying. It’s really coming down out there.”
I nod.
“Uh–do you want help getting up to bed? And do you mind if I borrow a blanket so I don’t freeze my ass off while I sleep in the truck?”
My brows furrow, “Why the hell—Nevermind. You aren’t sleeping in your truck, crazy man. You can sleep on the couch. And no, I won’t need help upstairs, because I will sleep right here. It’s going to get freaking cold up there and my Alabama self isn’t used to these conditions.”
Landon takes a moment, then nods. We both go back to looking out the window and I start drifting off to sleep. But as I do, Landon clears his throat and I look over to see him lying on the couch, the blanket covering him, his focus on the snow falling outside.
“Words may fail us day in and day out, but just know, on the days where we don’t say a single word, my mind is still silent and I have no idea why…That’s why I said thank you.”
And with that little thought nestled in my mind, I drift off to sleep knowing that I still have so many questions, but know one thing is for certain. Pain may linger, words may cease to exist, but a true friend can make the difference of your world being total darkness or having a tiny beacon of light in the sea of total blackness.