Chapter Thirty-Seven
Allie
I lay on my back in the open field next to the place I call home and stare up at the stars slowly fading away behind the clouds. The grass is soft below me and I can feel the wetness from the ground slowly seeping into my clothes.
One year. They have been gone for one year and here I am lost and broken beyond repair.
I search my mind for an ounce of salvation. An ounce of peace or light at the end of the tunnel, but I find nothing.
I may be saved from the monster that haunts my nightmares. I may be in this small world that is Cliff Haven. I may have a group of people waiting for me to give them the okay to surround me with love and care. But none of that means anything right now.
I know it should. I know I should see the positives and try to accept the help that they are wanting to give me. I know I should lean on the person who started as a stranger but is now a fellow lost and lonely dark soul. Or try to face the girl who I know wants to right the wrongs that she didn’t commit. But I can’t.
I can’t because no matter what I do. No matter how hard I try. No matter how much time has passed, the images and voices are still there. Whether I am sleeping or awake, they play in my head like a horror movie on repeat.
It’s not your average horror movie where the monster lurks in the shadows. Or one where the girl hears a bump in the night while she is alone and she runs toward the sound to check it out.
It’s a different kind of horror. It’s one that shows all the happy moments of the life I once had. The memories of my parents and I on vacations. The nights where we stayed up until two am watching cheesy rom-coms and trashing them the entire time. The days where Lo and I would come home from school and Mom would sit at the table and beg us for all the juicy gossip while Dad made us dinner and pretended not to listen.
I can still hear the laughter. And almost like life is playing one big prank on me, when my eyes are closed, I can smell the fresh ocean air or the smell of the many beach bonfires we all shared countless times. My eyes fly open because for a millisecond I thought I was stuck in some dream and fell asleep while listening to them. When in cruel reality, they were the dream and this hell I am living in is the reality.
I try to recover from the horrible movie but there is a part two. A part that leaves me more damaged than the first.
I can see myself laughing. I see myself singing at the top of my lungs on the way to help the babies that brought me so much joy even on their bad days. I see myself loving life with my friends and family.
I always brace for the moment where things shift and replay the moments in that basement. The moments when I watched him take my parents’ lives and left me empty and hollow. The moments where I gave up because Logan was his true objective. She had more to live for than I did, so what was the damage if I lost the battle?
Fate is evil and the deck of cards I was dealt isn’t kind. But they never place those pieces in the movie or the ones that made me numb to life.
Instead fate replaces the pieces where I had to sit for hours to try to force my mind to not believe the lies he was saying because there was no way that Logan was part of this elaborate plan to kill me and my parents.
There was no way she was behind all the mental hell and abuse I experienced for weeks.
But the truth is, I did believe him . I allowed his words to seep into my brain and alter the way that my life played out. I allowed him to become a puppeteer of my own mind and do his dirty work, which ended in giving him exactly what he wanted.
Her.
I am the reason my parents are dead. I am the reason Logan was almost killed when all she did was try to protect me.
It’s all my fault.
A raindrop hits my face and I open my eyes to see the clouds have completely covered the stars above me and are ready to open up. The only light comes from the headlights of my car parked in the driveway.
I should be tucked safely inside the cabin, so when Landon returns from his mission, I am sitting, waiting to hear what he has been wanting to say. But the silence is too deafening.
So instead, I lay here with the rain falling on me, completely soaking me to the bone and for the first time, I let myself feel the pain.
I let myself remember all the moments I blocked out. For the first time, I let myself feel all the touches that were never wanted. The thousands of words he screamed inches from my face of how I failed as a person and would never be anything but his pawn. I let myself remember the moment I gave in and stopped fighting.
My eyes close tightly and I allow myself to hear the screams of my mom as he made her watch as he took the love of her life inches from death’s door. Followed by my father’s small cry as he did the same thing to her. I watch as the monster turns his back and my father uses his last ounce of strength to reach out and link his pinky with the love of his life.
I let myself see and hear the moment their glassy eyes met mine and their whispered I love you’s as the light faded from their eyes.
My chest constricts as all the pain I have been pushing away crushes me. The tears streaming from my eyes mix with the rain falling on my face.
I lay there and wait for it to pass because maybe now that I am finally letting myself feel everything I have been avoiding, I can start moving on and stop living in the darkness. But as the minutes tick by, the pain grows worse.
Sobs take over my body and I roll to my side, clutching my knees to my chest. My throat closes and my vision dances with black dots.
Memory after memory. Blow after blow. Hurt and more hurt, pile on top of me and I beg it to stop.
I beg for it to all go away because even though I let it all in, I cannot take this. I cannot handle this suffocating pain that is never ending. I am not strong enough to brave the storm. The constant waves of pain that keep crushing me are too strong. No matter how much I want to prove him wrong, my legs are tired from keeping my head above water.
I open my eyes and beg the skies above to take it all away. To take away an ounce so I can feel a tiny reprieve and find the strength to fight another day.
I lay there waiting for a sign, an omen, a break in the rain to tell me it will get better. I wait and wait as the rain continues to pour.
You cannot give up Allie. You have come so far. Don’t give up now, I whisper to myself.
And just as the words leave my mouth, thunder ripples so loud I cover my ears as the sky opens up, and the rain grows heavier.
Is this the sign I was hoping for?
I turn and freeze. The cabin erupts in flames and I stand back and watch as my home, for the last few months, lights up the night and starts to crumble.
My mind races and I don’t beg for the voices and the memories to silence. I let them consume me. I close my eyes and let everything finally seep deep into my bones and when I open them again, I look down and see the fire reflecting off a sharp piece of glass lying inches from my feet.
I bend down and pick it up before my mind catches up. It fits in my palm with a sharp end hanging over the edge and as I flip it over, my reflection shines back at me.
I see a broken girl with dark circles under her eyes from months of not sleeping. Quickly, I close my eyes because seeing this version of myself is almost as bad as seeing the former me. And when I open my eyes, I see his eyes for a brief second before they morph back into mine.
Then it hits me.
No matter what I do, he will always be with me. Even if years pass, he will always be there. He will always haunt every moment of my life, even if I try to push his memory away.
A wave of acknowledgement and acceptance hits me all at once and the tears stop and so does the pain.
I look to the sky, and the rain slows. My parents’ smiles flash through my mind and it almost feels like I can feel them wrapping me in their arms.
“It will be okay.” Mom’s angelic voice fills my ears and I wait for the pain to encompass me, but it doesn’t.
Glancing down at the piece of glass in my hand again, I hear another voice. My father’s.
“We will always love you, honey.”
A smile spreads across my face, but quickly fades away when the next voice filters in.
“Good Job, Baby Doll. It’s all your fault they are gone.” His voice sends shivers up my spine and my grip tightens on the glass, cutting into my hand.
I glance down at the blood and then at the growing fire. I watch in awe as the fire dances throughout the air despite the rain picking up again.
The world falls silent as I watch embers fly through the sky in slow motion.
BOOM!
Something inside the house explodes, and I don’t move an inch.
“Baby Dolllll.” Mike’s sing-song voice echoes in my head.
My eyes fill with tears as I clutch the glass tighter and raise my arm.
I just want the voices and the pain to stop. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t want to live like this.
I don’t want to live anymore.
Raising my arm higher, I take one last glance at the sky above. “See you soon, Mom and Dad.”
With all the strength I have left, I swing my arm as hard as I can, but just as I am about to make contact with my body, I am hit from the side and the glass goes flying.
It takes me a moment to understand what is happening and for my eyes to focus on the person lying on top of me.
“Landon, what the hell?” I scream, pushing him off of me and getting to my feet.
He quickly stands and brushes the dirt and water off his face. “What are you doing Allie?” he asks, his voice sounding strained.
I shake my head and turn to see his truck in the driveway and a group of people standing near it. I squint and see Logan, Grayson, Lainey, and Noah.
Grayson is holding Logan tightly in his arms and I will myself not to care. Turning away from them, I find Landon slowly making his way to me.
I put my hands up, telling him to stop, and he pauses but shakes his head.
The rain picks up and the voices of my parents and Mike filter through my head again.
No. I need this to stop. I need this to end now.
Subtly, I search the ground for the chunk of metal while I keep my eye on Landon, whose eyes are locked on me.
I catch a glimpse of it a few feet from Landon and I.
I can see the moment he catches on and we move at the same time.
Landon catches me around the waist and buries his face in my neck. “Allie, stop. Please.”
Thrashing in his arms, I try to break free. “No! Let me go!”
He shakes his head against my back and he turns me in his arms. My heart stops as I catch a glimpse of his face as tears cascade rapidly down his cheeks.
My heart breaks and I let out a scream that takes all the air out of me and I feel Landon shake against me. Tears cascade down my face and I let the words that have never been more true escape me.
“Please let me go. Let me stop this pain. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to. It hurts too much and I c-can’t do it anymore.”
Landon’s body shakes against mine and rests his forehead against mine. “I can’t Bluebird. I know it hurts, but life is better with you here, and I refuse to let you suffer the same fate as that monster.”
Trying to break free again, “STORM PLEASE!” I beg.
He shakes his head once more and his grip tightens around my waist.
I thrash, claw, bite, anything to get me away from him, but he won’t let me.
“LOGAN NO!”
“LAINEY STOP!”
Grayson and Noah’s voices echo across the field and Landon and I turn to see Lainey and Logan running full speed at us. I use this moment to go slack, surprising Landon enough I can slip from his grip.
It all happens in a flash. I dive for the glass and get a grip on it and make the first cut on my wrist.
A mix of relief and pain fills every sense of my body.
Using the last ounce of strength, I close my eyes so I don’t see the pain and helplessness on their faces and say, “I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough to weather the storm. I love you both.”
Raising my arm high, I swing downward towards my neck.
This is where it all ends. I can finally be free.
The glass hits my skin. I hear Logan and Landon scream.
“ALLIE NO!”
“BLUEBIRD, NO!”
Pain radiates across my body, but it slowly fades into the numbness I’m used to. I take a breath and wait for the world to fade to black.
And to my surprise, it does.