Chapter Thirty-Eight
Landon
“Is she breathing?”
Sirens blare around us as the heat of the fire radiating from the house makes me dizzy.
Allie tried to kill herself.
Her pain became so unbearable that the idea of leaving this planet was easier than existing. The most beautiful girl I have ever had the privilege of knowing was seconds from being gone forever.
Wes nods and moves to pick her up, but I stop him. “No. Let me take her.”
If I would have shown up milliseconds later, she would not be here. She would not be here if we would have taken an extra second at the stop sign. If Wes wouldn’t have tackled her and injected a sedative seconds before the glass hit her neck, she wouldn’t be here.
The rain comes down hard and I run towards my truck as police and firetrucks speed up the driveway. I need to get her out of here before we get stopped by the medics.
“I’ll drive Lan!” Grayson yells, running by me to open the back passenger door of my truck for me to slide in.
In the front seat, Grayson and Logan talk rapidly, but I ignore them.
Cradling Allie on my lap, I bury my face into her neck to try to hear a breath or some sign that she is still here. I know the sedative is strong. We have used it occasionally on victims that are a harm to themselves. Never in my life would I have thought it would be used on someone I care so deeply about, but here we are.
All day something had been eating at me and I couldn’t place it. A feeling deep inside of me was telling me something was really wrong. I called my parents and even Lachlan to see if everything was okay while waiting for Allie to text me back, but she never did. And now I know why.
This is all your fault.
I know.
You’re the reason she felt alone.
I know.
Fire burns hotter than ever in my veins and I let it. I let the voices consume me, because they are right. This is all my fault.
I feel the tears flow down my face and I don’t stop them.
“You are beautiful. You are strong. You will make it through this, but you cannot give up. Do not let him win.” My voice cracks as I mutter words that I have no right saying to my best friend. “I’m sorry I failed you, Bluebird.”
Before I know it, we are pulling up to Mount Rainier Medical Center and are walking inside.
Harper is the first face we see, and she runs up to us along with the charge nurse, Laura.
“What happened?” Harper asks, trying to look at a still unconscious Allie.
“She tried to kill herself. We only were able to stop her by injecting her with a sedative. She has a few minor cuts but her hand and wrist need to be checked out since she–” A lump in my throat stops me from saying what I need to and I shake my head to clear the emotion from my voice. “Since she cut there first.”
Harper nods, her eyes bouncing between Allie and Logan, who is standing quietly behind me.
“Lets get her back to a room, but no one can stay with her. She will never be alone, but at this time, she will be placed until a forty-eight hour watch. I–I’m sorry Landon.”
I nod, not allowing the tears to fall down my face.
Logan touches my arm before I start walking and steps in front of me.
She squeezes Allie’s hand and I expect her to say something, but she doesn’t. She just stares at her, her face void of emotions, then steps back.
Harper leads me back to a room that is only supplied with a bed and roll away computer. “You can lay her down. We will take care of the rest.”
Gently, I set her down and my arms refuse to let her go and tears threaten to fall.
NO. You don’t deserve to break. You did this. This is your fault.
My arms will not move. They refuse to let her go, but I know I need to. I can no longer give her the help she needs, and I was selfish to think I ever could be enough.
My face falls into her shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
Gently, I settle her on the bed, take one last glance at her before walking out of the room. As I am making my way back to the waiting room, I see Grayson standing outside a private room. His eyes meet mine and he waves me inside.
As soon as I step inside and Grayson closes the door, I slide down the furthest wall and my head falls into my arms.
“What the hell happened? Where is she?”
Mom’s voice echos as she and Dad enter the room.
I shrug and stare at the ground. We have been in here for hours and I haven’t moved from my spot on the wall. Police, counselors, social workers, friends of Logan, Noah, Lainey, Wes, and Harper have come in and all have gone ignored by me.
What do I say? What would she want me to say? Words fail me often and in this moment, they simply do not exist.
Yelling interrupts my thoughts, and I look up to see Logan and Grayson arguing.
“She isn’t okay. I told you she wasn’t.”
“I know, Angel, but you were respecting her boundaries. Don’t let yourself go down a path of what ifs.”
Logan throws her hands up in frustration. “Grayson. I love you, but no matter what you say, I will never forgive myself for bringing her into my life. None of this would have happened if I wasn’t desperate for love and attention. She almost died because that asshole took the two people she loved most in life away. He took them away from her to get back at me!”
“Lo, don’t go there.” Noah tries to chime in, but he is ignored.
“It’s true. If I wouldn’t have existed, she would be back in Alabama with her parents, celebrating her mom’s birthday on some trip to the coast. Instead, she is stuck in the middle of nowhere alone.”
“She wasn’t alone, my dear. She had Landon,” Mom says, slowly approaching her.
“She did, and he did great, but healing is a never-ending cycle. No matter how much time passes, the pain is still there and sometimes it suffocates you so badly that you have to remind yourself to take a breath.”
Tears fall rapidly down her face and I scan the room to see she isn’t the only one. Noah is holding Lainey as they both try to hide the fact that they are crying. Mom turns her back to Logan for a brief moment to wipe her face while Dad stands in the corner, his eyes filled with unshed tears.
Grayson stands in front of his fiancé, looking like he will kill anyone and anything to take the away pain that his other half is feeling.
Logan’s eyes lock on mine. “Landon, did she say anything? Did you guys get into a fight? Should one of us had stayed back from the mission to keep an eye on her?”
I shake my head, not wanting to tell anyone anything.
For the first time, I am not jumping to yell or put on a brave face. I just want to disappear into a handle and never come out.
You failed her. You are worthless.
“I don’t know.”
Everyone looks at me, and Logan steps forward. “Landon, I haven’t asked, but now I am. What is going on between you and Allie? We need to know what Allie needs so she can get help. You don’t have to tell us everything, but just give us a crumb.”
Tears fill my eyes and I lock eyes with Logan. Before I can understand what is happening, Logan is crouching down in front of me and bringing me into her arms. Against my will, sobs overtake my body and I fall into her, a completely shattered awful version of myself.
“I failed her. I knew she wasn’t okay, and I let her be selfish because it helped me. I should have gotten her help when Lachlan offered it. I shouldn’t have allowed her to enter this arrangement. I should have told her no, but she was determined, and I wanted to take the pain away. I promise I never meant to hurt her. I-I I just wanted the voices to stop-p.”
Logan holds my head against her chest and I wrap my arms around her, holding on tightly as if I am seconds from being swept away.
The room is silent besides the occasional sniffle, and this silence reminds me of how much I miss her and how close I came to losing her.
“Landon. You did so much for her. If she asked you to do something, despite it being selfish, she meant it. Allie may not be herself, but one thing will always be constant with her. She does not do anything that she doesn’t want to do. Ever. In a world of color, Allie is black and white when it comes to getting what she wants. She is strong and fiercely independent, so if she asked you to do something, even if you feel it was selfish on your part, I promise you, she wasn’t regretting it for a second.”
I try to speak but the words fail me.
I need to see her. I need to know she is okay. I need to apologize for our fight. I need to tell her I never meant the words I said. I just need her to be okay.
Logan says something, but I don’t hear it. I close my eyes, panic rising in my chest, the pain becoming unbearable.
A hand against my arm causes me to jump and my eyes fly open to see Mom sitting on the ground in front of Logan and I.
“Landon, honey, I want you to listen to what I’m about to say.”
I nod.
“There is no one here but Lo and I. I need you to tell us what is going on because this clearly goes beyond what happened with Allie tonight. Maybe what happened in your driveway a few months back?”
I shake my head rapidly. “Mom. No.”
They mutter something to each other over my head and I try to find the strength to say something, but words fail.
Panic rises in my chest and I try to untangle myself from Logan, but she holds me tighter and when I look up to her and meet her eyes, I break completely. “I’m sorry I failed your best friend. It’s all my fault.” Her eyes go wide and her arms go slack, allowing me to slip free and stand.
Mom and Logan stand and watch me pace around the room.
I need a fucking drink. I need to feel something other than pain. I need my Bluebird.
I bolt out the door, past my family sitting in the waiting room, and out to my truck. Peeling out of the hospital parking lot, I set my sights on one place and ignore my phone buzzing in my pocket.
This is all your fault.
“I know,” I say out loud to the voices in my head and punch the gas harder.