#4
Bluebird,
Hi. That feels so simple for what this letter may be, but words are not my strong suit, as you know.
Becoming sober has been the most painful and mind-altering thing I have ever experienced. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I never expected it to be this difficult. Which sounds stupid, because of course, taking away the thing I have grown addicted to for years wouldn’t be easy.
I know I probably sound like an idiot, but I have been in therapy every day since I got here. My therapist and I have worked through so much and still have so much more to go.
Every time he and I speak, somehow you get brought into the equation and after weeks of asking, he finally has given me permission to reach out to you. His reasoning was irritating at first, but now I can see why.
This is what he said.
“Two individuals that are known to be fixers and are also in the beginning stages of healing should not be together, even in a friend's capacity, until they can confidently stand alone for a moment.
I do not want you to reach out to her until you can prove to me and yourself that you are not reaching out to cling onto a relationship that was built by two people using each other to cope with matters that are far bigger than any sane person could handle.
Allie needs to know that when you reach out, it is not the old you, it’s the new you. The sober you. The guy who wants to be a better man for himself, but also a man than can be the friend that she needs.
Until you can do those two things, you cannot reach out to her because just like you are on your path to healing, so is she.”
Here we are. Weeks later and even though it hurts like hell, I can see what life can be like being sober. I am far from healed, but Dr. AJ can see the progress, so he has finally allowed me to reach out.
There is truly no reason for this letter other than to tell you I miss you and I hope you are okay. Whatever that may look like.
Until I met you, I never understood the gravity of what the term I miss you means. I feel like it is an absentminded phrase that is said to someone that you haven’t seen in an undetermined amount of time. Scribble.
Wow. Reading that back, I can see where the Robot Landon comment comes from. What I was trying to say was that I never truly felt like I missed someone until I knew what life was like, not seeing your beautiful face and witnessing one of your infamous eye rolls. But most of all, I miss our silence and not for the reason you think.
I miss just simply existing next to you. No touching. No talking. Nothing but silence and comfort. That kind of silence is hard to come by in a place like this that you want to avoid it like the plague because it’s usually followed by withdrawal.
My heart wishes you were near, but my brain know we need this time apart. Only time can determine which is better for each of us.
This letter is long enough already and who knows if you will even want to hear from me after weeks of hopefully seeing clearly, so I will leave you with a promise from me and one for you.
In my heart and brain, I know you will make it to the light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.
My beautiful Bluebird, promise me that no matter how dark the days are, you will spread your wings and fly, even if it’s just a few feet.
To getting to the end of that string and pulling as hard as I can.
Storm
Overleve.