Chapter Forty-Six
Landon
“Raven. Shadow. My head is not a toy.”
“They love you,” Allie says, playing as both the kittens jump to the ground and start playing with the new toys she just dumped on the living room floor.
“Sure. If using my head as a giant cat toy is what love looks like, then yes, I’m smitten,”I say, not looking up from my laptop from my spot on the couch.
A toy mouse hits me directly in the face and I glance up to see Allie smirking. “Don’t be a sasshole. You know you love them. There is no way you’ve spent two weeks with them and haven’t fallen in love.”
“You’ve been hanging out with Noah too much,” I say, adjusting my glasses and going back to my computer.
This has been our routine for the last few weeks. Allie comes over after her therapy appointment and runs to spend the day with me and the kittens. After dinner, she goes back to Lo and Gray’s, the cycle repeating itself day after day.
Being back home has gone better than expected, and I know Allie has been a big part of that. Every day I see her strength and it drives me to keep going. Some days are better than others, but seeing how it feels to have my mind clear, I know this feeling is something I will fight like hell to never lose.
Shadow jumps in my lap and dances over the keys, causing Resilience to shut down.
Grabbing her by the tummy, I hold her to face me. “No dancing on my laptop, please.” I place a quick kiss to her head and set her on the ground.
The moment my eyes lock with Allie’s, I already know what her next words are going to be just by the little smirk on her face. So before she can even speak, I interrupt her. “Fine. They are cute. You got me. Now, can you tell me where you would like to go on our date today?”
“Hmm. I really want to go to Cannon Beach. It's nice out today and I think the drive will be nice. Your mom stopped by and dropped off some apple turnovers in case we didn’t want to go to a restaurant and just have a picnic.”
“That sounds good. We can stop somewhere along the way if you want?”
She shakes her head as she pets Raven, who is now sleeping in her lap. “I am not really up for large crowds today, if that’s okay.”
Shutting my laptop, I move to sit on the floor in front of her. “Whatever you want to do, sweetheart. Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I just feel tired today and a little off. I can’t really explain it.”
“We don’t have to go anywhere. We can stay here.”
“No. I think getting out in fresh air would be good. We haven’t gone on a drive in so long.”
I search her face to see if she is hiding how she really feels. The past two weeks we have spent rebuilding our friendship on a healthier foundation. Starting fresh and making sure we can both stand on our own as well as be there for each other is most important. But I would be lying if I said I haven’t been dying to kiss her.
We sit in silence for a moment before Allie climbs in my lap, resting her head on my shoulder. Wrapping my arms around her, I place a gentle kiss on the top of her head. We sit for what feels like hours until I realize Allie has fallen asleep and my heart fills with pride at the knowledge that she feels safe enough to do so.
As gently as I can, I stand with her in my arms and move to lay her on the couch, covering her with a blanket. I’m about to walk away when her eyes pop open slightly. She looks around, slightly confused for a moment, then moves over, lifts the covers and pats the couch.
I know I should ask if she is sure, but selfishly, I have missed just simply sleeping next to her. Every night I slept next to her was a silent night and although I haven’t been plagued with daily nightmares, I can’t remember the last time I slept soundly through the night.
Tossing my phone to the ground, I lay down next to her, and she moves to rest her head on my chest, my arms curling around her. And because I can’t resist, I place another kiss atop her head and drift off to sleep.
“Lan. Pizza is here,” Allie calls from downstairs.
Pulling on a pair of gray sweats and a white t-shirt and I head downstairs.
Our plans to go to the beach went out the window with the six-hour nap we just took. When we woke up, I could tell Allie was feeling lighter and so was I.
As I enter the kitchen, Allie is plating the pizza we ordered from the diner and I can’t help but take a moment to stare at her gorgeous ass in her skintight black leggings.
One that I’ve had the pleasure of holding my hands as I—Allie’s head whips around and I make no point to hide that I was obviously checking her out. Her cheeks heat as she notices my semi hard dick in my sweats.
“You make it really hard to take things slow when you look like that,” she says, before turning back around to the counter.
Before she can make her way to the stool, I step up behind her, pressing my body against her, and rest my chin on her shoulder. “You’re one to talk, miss I don’t own any pants other than these.” My hands pull at the fabric of her leggings, snapping it back in place.
“Landon.” Her voice is low and sexy as sin and I have to fight every ache and need in my body to not devour her on this counter.
“Soon sweetheart,” I mutter against her neck, and her hands grip the counter.
Taking a step back, I smack her ass and make my way around the counter to my stool and watch as she looks up to the ceiling to collect herself. I can’t help but smirk as I take a bite of pizza.
“You’re evil.” Her light blues glaring daggers at me.
Shrugging my shoulders, I wink and pull her stool out for her.
After our stomachs are full, we move to the couch to watch a movie. Allie sits opposite of me with her feet tucked in my lap.
“Hey Lan.”
“Yeah?”
“I know we said not to do this, but I feel like I need to say it.”
My spine straightens, and I click mute on the remote, nodding at her to continue.
“I want to apologize for that day at the cabin. I know how I felt in that moment and I can’t imagine what you felt watching it. I just want to say, in person, that it was never your fault. I was on a trajectory that only ended in destruction and if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have gotten a second chance. So thank you.”
Her face morphs into a hint of sadness, and I can’t have that. Grabbing her hand, I say, “Allie. I need you to really listen to me as I say this. Never apologize for breaking down. You went through something most would never come back from. You possess a strength inside of you that is rare. Our minds have a way of tricking us to believe that when we are at our lowest, that means we are weak. When it’s entirely the opposite. If I have learned anything while I was away, it’s that we are strongest when we are at our lowest, and the climb back from rock bottom proves that.
“I did not save you Allie. You saved yourself. My brother and I may have been the one that prevented you from driving that shard of glass into your neck, but you are the one that fought the long, hard battle to the end of that dark tunnel.”
Raven climbs into Allie’s lap, nudging her face as Allie’s glassy eyes stare back at me.
Allowing her to gather her thoughts, I run my hand back and forth over her feet as Shadow sleeps soundly in my lap.
“You still have the ability to leave me speechless and I don’t know if I should be mad at you or accept that this is my life from now on, but thank you. You didn’t have to say of that, but I have to admit it feels amazing to hear.”
I am about to interrupt her, but she stops me. “I want you to know that even though we were miles apart and had no idea what the future held for us, I knew you would make it to the other side and every letter that came proved exactly that. I want you to know how unbelievably proud I am of you. Six months ago, you were a shell of yourself. Now you are this man that isn’t shying away from the darkest parts of his mind. I can see it in the way you carry yourself day to day. You should be proud of yourself and who you are today, and if for a second you start to doubt yourself, tell me. Every day I will be here to remind you that even on days where you can’t see beyond the rain and clouds, I will be your shelter from the storm.”
Fuck. My head tilts up to the ceiling as my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest. I like to think all this time I knew she was my light, but this moment confirms it. Allison Paige Evans is my reminder that even on the hard days, the sun will come out and the voices will fade into the background. Most importantly, she is my light.
With that in mind, I focus back on my girl, just as she climbs into my lap.
“I need to tell you something, but I didn’t think I’d have the strength to say it out loud without a guideline, I wrote it down just in case.. Is that okay?”
Allie searches my face, nods, and I reach for my phone, pulling up the note I wrote to myself on my last day of rehab. The one I promised myself I would read to Allie one day when the time was right.
Before I begin, she kisses my cheek,“I’m proud of you, Storm.”
“Thank you Bluebird.” A faint smile spreads across her face before she turns, her back resting against my chest, and I begin reading a letter that I knew if fate was on our side. I would be reading to her as much more than a friend.
Dear Landon,
Today is your last day of rehab. Tomorrow you start your new life as a new man, one who is sober. One who is no longer allowing the voices inside his head to control him.
But before you leave, you need to make good on a promise that you made to yourself the day you walked in here. And that was, on the day that you left, you needed to admit why you were here and why you will never come back.
Write it down and when you feel confident in yourself and also the girl that refuses to leave your mind, read it out loud for you and her to hear.
I, Landon Parker Hayes, am an addict. I came here because I no longer could survive my mind without needing alcohol to make me forget. But I can say with confidence that although alcohol was the way I coped, it wasn’t the liquid that I was addicted to. It was the feeling of completely shutting off the voices inside my head that screamed every failure, every loss, every mistake all day.
Alcohol was never the addiction. It was the silence that I craved so deeply.
I still crave the silence, but I know now that alcohol is not the solution. Asking for help, talking to someone, or simply acknowledging that every failed mission is not my fault is the answer. I cannot save everyone and as sad as that may be, it is okay because I know I tried my hardest.
I know there will be hard days and ones where I will need to lean on others for support, but that doesn’t make me a failure. It makes me human.
I, Landon Hayes, am an alcoholic, but I am also so much more. I am a son that my parents can be proud of. I am someone that my brothers can count on. I am a friend that can be there for my friends on good days and bad ones too. I am a survivor. I am a protector. But most importantly, I am worthy of love and I will not let a failure take that away from me.
Overleve. Tilgi.
Landon Parker Hayes
Allie turns in my arms as the last words leave my mouth, tears streaming down her face. Her thumb brushes away tears I didn’t know were streaming down my face as she says, “Welcome to the end of the tunnel, Storm. I think it’s time we bask in the sunshine for a while.”
Her lips crash against mine and just like that, everything feels right.