Chapter Fifty-One
Landon
We are all back outside after the best meal of my life. Having Allie here for Thanksgiving this year has made it better than any year before because, let’s face it, having Allie anywhere makes everything better.
I am not ashamed to admit that I am completely in love with this girl and maybe a little obsessed. She is my quiet amongst the chaos and on days like today, I definitely lean on her for support. Especially since holidays were always the time I could hide my addiction the easiest.
At that thought, I curl my arms tighter around Allie, who is sitting on my lap, snuggled under a blanket. She glances back at me and searches my eyes to see if I’m okay and I nod, but she furrows her brows, questioning my answer.
A smile spreads across my face and I kiss the tip of her nose while looping my pinky through hers beneath the blanket we are sharing.
“Promise,” I whisper so only we can hear, followed by a quick kiss to her lips.
Allie turns back to face the group and Leo leans forward from his spot next to Noah. “Hey Allie?”
“Yeah?”
“Noah usually plans these kinds of things, but it is a no Hayes brother zone, so I am taking it upon myself to host. There is no date set yet because of Lo, Harper, and I’s hospital schedule, but I was wondering if you would want to do a night out at The Handle, drinks on the house, and I will be the responsible one of the evening.”
“Ooo! Yes! You should come! We try to do one night every month or every other month! It’s so much fun! We sing and dance and forget all responsibilities for the night!” Lainey chimes in.
“Yeah Allie. You really should. The Handle is safe and if you feel uncomfortable, don’t worry. I’m not afraid to punch some asshole in the dick if they even look at you wrong.”
“H! You are on one tonight! You have been hanging out with Noah too much,” Logan exclaims.
I watch as Allie just sits back against me, laughing and shaking her head. I knew once she had Logan back in her life, it would make a difference, but it’s amazing to see the rest of the group bringing her into the fold, just like Logan and Harper were.
Allie looks back to me before answering and I give her the go ahead. Anytime anything involves her drinking, she has been very persistent to make sure it is okay with me before partaking in any sort of alcohol.
She is about to answer when Noah interrupts. “Shit. Sorry Lan. I didn’t think to bring it up beforehand. Leo mentioned it and it didn’t even cross my mind that you may be the one picking her up if she drank. I’m so, so sorry.”
I am caught off guard by his apology. Why is he apologizing? Why does it matter if Allie goes out with her friends?
“Landon. I think you may need to share your boundaries regarding alcohol. I know Al knows and so do your father and I, but I think, especially with Noah owning the bar, it would be helpful for everyone to hear,” Mom says, flashing me a knowing, but sympathetic look.
My mind finally catches up and I kick myself for not thinking about doing this before. My family has always been my number one, but the moment I figured out what was truly at the root of everything, it never crossed my mind.
Allie tightens her grip on my pinky and I take my little ounce of encouragement and say, “Sorry Noah, I should have sat you down and told you. I probably should have talked to all of you, but life has been a little insane lately. And I’ve been a little…distracted.” I poke Allie in the side, and she jumps and shakes her head.
“It’s okay Lan. I just don’t want to cross a line, but I’m a little stuck when it comes to the bar.”
“You have the right to be. I should have said something instead of leaving you feeling like you were walking on eggshells or that no one could drink in front of me. Sorry, guys.”
Everyone nods and I take a deep breath, summoning all the strength to say the words that I have only said to my Bluebird, my parents, and therapist.
“I am an addict, but not in the stereotypical way that everyone thinks. My addiction came from placing an enormous amount of pressure on myself that was so heavy I couldn’t breathe. The only way I could forget it was to drink. Every second of the day that I spent here was a second that someone else was living at the hands of their captor. Whiskey made me forget for a moment.
“I didn’t know how to let myself off the hook or how to not blame myself for every death or unsolved case, so I did the only thing I knew how to do. Drink. I knew the entire time I had a problem and that I should stop, but then the next failure happened and it was just easier to drink than talk it out. Because if I broke down, who would be there to pick up the pieces in my absence?”
I pause and swallow the lump in my throat and focus on Allie’s pinky gripped in mine.
“I never needed the whiskey to begin with. I just needed to learn a better way to cope and understand how to not internalize everything. I was so focused on helping others that I never realized I was killing myself. Now I know I cannot help others if my mind isn’t clear.
“A very wise woman along with a very good therapist explained to me that the insecurities and those who are afraid to be vulnerable, create the stigma surrounding mental health in men. And once my mind was clear of the alcohol and I learned how to cope without it, I found I never truly needed it in the first place. I just needed to hit rock bottom to see it never was the whiskey. It was me not knowing how to ask for help and talk through things instead of internalizing every missed step.
“Sometimes people aren’t able to be saved, but that doesn’t mean I did something wrong. I built a team that knows how to stand on their own and now I need to trust them to do so. I know I got short or what Allie calls Robotic, and for that I’m sorry. I appreciate all of you and will continue every day to work on myself to be a better brother, son, and partner.”
Allie kisses the side of my cheek and swipes away a tear I didn’t know had fallen.
Turning my focus to Noah, I see tears streaming down his face. “So no. You will never trigger me. The safe space you’ve built will never be a place I will avoid. I may not drink most of what you serve, but that doesn’t mean I can’t come inside and be with the people I love.” Pausing, I look around at everyone else. Leo is subtly trying to swipe a tear away, Lainey is avoiding my gaze, Logan is swiping a tear off Grayson’s face, Harper is looking up to the sky, her cheeks red, Wes is staring at me with a smile on his face, and Mom and Dad are staring at me with proud smiles on their faces.
“Don’t hide your drinks. Don’t be afraid to drink in front of me. If I am having an off day, I will tell you, take a day trip with my girl, ask for help, or call my therapist. Don’t stop doing things you enjoy because it was once my silent killer. My demons are not yours.”
Allie turns around and wraps her arms around my neck and whispers in my ear, “I am so proud of you, Storm.”
She leans back and swipes her thumb across my face. Allie’s light blues shine with unshed tears. She stares into my soul as a smile slowly spreads across her face. The words I desperately want to say are right there, but I refuse to say them right now.
“Thank you, Bluebird.”
I don’t realize how loud I say the words until Noah’s voice breaks the silence amongst the crowd.
“Why does everyone get a cute ass nickname and I don’t? C’mon, first Angel and Bear, now Bluebird! That is the cutest freaking thing ever!”
Everyone laughs, and chatter fills the air.
No one needs to say anything back right now because words don’t always convey true meaning. It’s the actions that follow a promise that will leave a lasting impact and I know without a shadow of a doubt, this group of people will be my rock on the days I can barely stand. Especially this girl in my arms.