Chapter Fifty-Three
Landon
My body shakes as the tears cascade down my face and they won’t stop, no matter how much I beg.
Allie shifts and I cling to her, not wanting to let her go. Her hand pushes against my shoulder so I sit up and I watch, confused, as she climbs onto my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. My head falls to her shoulder and the tears come faster. My arms wrap around her waist, pulling her tightly against my chest.
I need her. I need my lifeline.
I have been sober for over 200 days and today feels like day one all over again. The fire burns in my veins and all I want to do is run to the closest liquor store, but I can’t. I need to be better for this beautiful girl sitting in my lap. I need to be better for myself.
Why is this so hard? Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just get over this stupid illness and not be some broken piece of shit?
I am so pissed. Everything has been fine, and then today I wake up and my throat is on fire. I felt like I swallowed a branding iron and the only cure was a bottle of whiskey…or two.
My therapist in rehab said to expect setbacks, but I never thought they would feel like I was completely starting over. Or that I failed.
And that is the root of all of this. Failure. In every aspect of my life, I have failed in some way and I am sick of it.
I fail every time I don’t reach a victim in time. I fail when my brothers get hurt on a mission because I didn’t prepare them enough to expect a fight. I’ve been failing Allie every day since I’ve met her because my own inhibitions pulled me away from the moments I should have been focused on her.
For fuck’s sake, she almost died because I was an idiot and broke the one promise she asked me not to. If I would have kept my mouth shut and just let her help me to bed, she wouldn’t have ended up alone.
The girl I’ve felt an indescribable, magnetic love for almost died because I was too far gone inside my head to see she was at her breaking point.
When I woke up with fire in my throat, ice in my veins, all I saw was my best friend seconds from leaving me forever over and over.
Even as I opened my eyes and saw her right next to me, cuddled up against my side with my pinky looped with hers, our hands resting on my chest, I still felt the pain as if she was actually gone.
Tears continue to fall and I hold on to her tighter, as if she is seconds from flying away. She doesn’t say anything and runs her hands through the hair at the base of my neck.
Minutes tick by and the tears still fall, even though I have begged them to stop countless times.
My hands shake, the voices scream in my head and my entire body feels like it’s eating itself.
I need a drink.
No, I don’t!
Allie leans back, cupping my face with both of her hands, and tilts my face to look up at her. Her thumbs swipe at the tears and she places a gentle kiss beneath both of my eyes. “My beautiful storm. You are so incredibly strong.”
Her voice is soft and full of everything but pity. I know in my gut this girl is my other half. Just being near her calms every fire inside of me. Even through all my failures, including my biggest one of letting her down, she is still my proudest moment.
“Let me be your safe space. Let it all out and don’t hold back. No matter what you say, I will always be here. We didn’t fight tooth and nail to get to the end of that long, dark tunnel to turn around one step before reaching the end. We will get through this together. I promise.”
Allie never says anything she doesn’t mean, especially when it comes to speaking the hard truths.
I can do this. Let her be your life raft.
Sighing and burying my face in her neck, I finally let go of everything I’ve been holding in for way too long. “It hurts so bad. No matter what I do, the pain won’t go away. I just want it to stop. And the only way to do that makes me feel disgusting and like I failed not only myself but you.
“I have been doing so good since I came back from Park Ridge, but this morning I woke up and it was like I was back at day one. The fire was burning hotter than it ever has and the voices inside my head were screaming at me to just take a damn drink. And then, like some sick and twisted joke, I was stuck in an endless, never-ending movie getting to the cabin seconds too late.”
Sobs rack my body as I lift my face and stare into Allie’s tear-filled eyes. Hugging her close to my chest, I say, “I am so sorry, Bluebird. I should have been with you that day. I knew you were struggling, and I was so wrapped up in my own twisted desires, I messed everything up. You say so much with so little words and I should have seen it.”
Allie shakes her head, tears flowing from her beautiful light blue eyes, and I stop her.
“Please don’t say it wasn’t my fault. Because no matter what you say, I will never forgive myself for almost losing you. You have no idea how much you have unknowingly worked your way inside my cold, dead heart, and the thought of losing you hurts me more than anything ever has.
“Somehow over the past year you went from being a complete stranger who I met at the height of my addiction to my best friend. That day at the cabin, I didn’t know if the love I felt was just because you were my best friend or if I truly found the other piece of my broken soul. But the moment I read your first letter, it clicked.
“I love you so much, Allison Evans, but feeling like I was letting down the person I look up to most in this world is sickening. Nothing in this cruel world will ever be worse than feeling like I am failing you.”
Allie’s shoulders shake as she sobs and I wipe my thumb across her cheek. She does the same to me and leans forward to rest her head against mine.
“My beautiful storm. You have no idea how truly amazing you are, and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”
Leaning back just enough so we can see each other, she continues, “I knew from the beginning you had a darkness inside of you. We shared an odd sense of understanding, even though our pain was completely different.
“That day at the cabin is a moment I will never forget, but wish I could. And I want you to listen to this and promise me you will try your hardest to understand and take it in.”
She waits for me to nod and when I do, she untangles one of my arms from her waist, brings my hand in between us, loops our pinkies and kisses them. “I had you promise me this when I left, but I need you to look me in my eyes as I say this.”
I nod and she continues, “That day was not your fault. You couldn’t have seen it coming, because I didn’t realize how far my mind had drifted until you were begging me to stop. But at that point, I had let myself feel all the pain I had been pushing away, and it was all too much.
“I wanted nothing more than to run away and never feel that pain again, even if that meant having to give up the one person who made me feel an ounce of peace. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. You saved me that day, even if you think you didn’t.
“And I know these are just words, but I will remind you every single day that I am here with you. Every time you wake up feeling that fire inside your veins, let me be the rain that washes it away. I love you, Storm. You are my best friend. My missing link. My safe space to weather all the bad days with. I can promise you with every ounce of strength in me, I will be the same for you.”
Leaning back, I stare at her, shocked.
She loves me. Allison Paige Evans just said she loves me.
And just like that, all the voices fade away. The fire subsides. The storm clouds drift away, and all that is left is me sitting in the arms of my missing link.
Allie smiles and brushes a lone tear off my face.
“Say it again, please,” I beg.
A laugh escapes her. “I love you Storm.”
Hugging her tightly to my chest, I bury my face once more in her neck. “I love you Bluebird. Thank you for being my everything.”
Allie’s arms move around my neck, and we sit in each other’s embrace. The silence we love so much, blanketing us.
Taking a deep breath, I replay everything she just said over and over. I know it will take time for my mind to believe her words, but I will put in the work. Because together we may be a pair that shares very few words, but the ones we do say mean everything.
So even though it will be hard, especially on days like today, I will let her be my sense of peace and shelter during the bad days. And when the day comes that she falls behind the wall that separates her new found look on life and the pain hiding behind that closed chapter, I will be there, just like she is for me.
Allie shifts and we both look out at the park in front of us. The wind picks up and the swings sway in the breeze.
An idea hits me and I stand with her in my arms. She giggles and I carry her over to the swings. Setting her down in front of one, I wait for her to sit down and sit down on the one next to her.
I watch as she leans back, hanging onto the chains, and looks up at the starry sky. A smile spreads across her face, and when she sits up, she turns to look at me.
I lean over, and she meets me in the middle. Grabbing the chain of her swing, I pull her close so that her face is inches from mine. My lips hover over hers and when her hand brushes mine on the chain, I kiss her. It’s soft and carries more meaning than just a simple kiss. It’s a promise. A promise to love her through all the bad and good.
Before letting her go, I place another kiss on her nose, and as her eyes lock with mine, I pull her chain a little more. Just as I let go, I say, “Fly with me, Bluebird.”