Chapter 21 #2
An hour later we’re strolling by the duck pond.
The sky has cleared and the rain has stopped but the air smells like autumn already.
The first leaves are turning shades of orange and red, some of them already hitting the green grass.
This park has always been my favourite park in Sheffield and walking here with my family feels surreal. Or, well. Our family.
My dad and the Bergman twins are talking about football, the three of them leading our small group.
I’ve never seen Martin and Edwin smile this much, never heard this many words out of their mouths.
I can even recognise them, now. Edwin has longer hair, almost as long as Ash’s, bleached blonde.
Martin on the other hand has a long beard, something that none of the other Bergman brothers has ever been able to grow properly. I bet he’s proud of it.
Behind us, Erik and Pippa’s mom are chatting amicably while Winnie and Pippa chase each other unsteadily around them.
Little Pippa must be around the same age as Winnie, with pale skin and fine blonde hair.
She’s yelling that she wants braids like Winnie’s and Winnie is trying to rip her hair out to give them to her. Their happiness makes my stomach ache.
“How’s Teddy? She’s not visiting this time?
” Pippa’s mom is asking Erik with a smile.
I recognise her short hair and long lashes and I’m a little disappointed she’s not shown up with shortbread.
She must be in her early twenties, but the lines around her eyes tell another story: single mom, working two jobs, living with her parents.
Erik’s face splits into a grin. “She’s doing alright, thanks. Incredibly pregnant.”
I turn to Ash slightly, but he’s already looking at me.
“Theodora is Erik’s girlfriend. Teddy. She’s expecting twins. Hum, Erik’s twins,” Ash explains.
“At least it’s not triplets,” I comment.
“Martin and Edwin are pushing for twin girls.”
I open my mouth to say something but then Martin and Edwin appear on either side of us.
“What can we say,” one of them starts.
“We love Winnie. We need more girls around,” the other twin finishes.
Ash nods and I look around at the little family we have created: me and my dad and the Bergman brothers. For years after the divorce, I blamed Mom for leaving Dad, for choosing to start a new life with someone new and then again with someone else after that and eventually, with no one at all.
Deep down I’ve always known my dad would have liked to have more children.
Seeing him around Martin, Edwin and Erik, I have no doubt that he’s made them all better men.
I don’t need to ask Ash what’s happened with their parents.
I see the way the four Bergman brothers are looking at my dad.
They look at him like he’s their dad. Like he’s the best dad.
Gregory Hale has been a lifeline for everyone around him.
The same way he’s made Ash better, I have no doubt he will make Winnie better.
And as his son, I could never hold the comparison.
Ashford Hale, a mess of crippling anxiety and talent for fucking up.
And what if I fuck up this as well? What if I fuck up this relationship like every other I ever had? Or worse, what if I fuck up Winnie?
As if sensing my stress, my dad catches my eyes and hints for me to come closer. I leave Ash’s side and he gives me a worried look, the shadow of something unspoken hanging between us. I brush it off, blaming my broken brain.
Ash and I are fine.
“How are you holding up?” Dad asks me, quickly putting some distance between us and the group.
I wait until everyone is a couple of steps away and then, like it often happens, I open my mouth and let the stream of consciousness out. I’m not scared. Dad will know how to sort it.
“I’m not.” Kicking a rock on the path, I look at my feet.
“One minute I have everything under control and I get these flashes. It makes me hopeful, like I will remember everything the next second. And then everything vanishes into nothing and I have no idea what I’m doing with Ashley, with Winnie, with my entire life.
I look at Ash and he’s everything I want and I have all of these feelings that I don’t know how to control.
Around him I’m myself but I’m also this other person I cannot recognise.
I don’t know how to be a boyfriend, Dad.
I don’t know how to be his boyfriend. He’s my best friend, how am I supposed to just accept this?
I need my friend, not a boyfriend. I never had any other real friends, only him. I must have been crazy to let him go.
“And did you know my medical leave ends next month? What the fuck am I going to do then, how can I go back to work if I have no idea what my work is in the first place? How am I supposed to be a dad if I cannot even support…”
I pause, feeling my dad rest his hand on my arm.
He’s not walking anymore and is leaning towards me instead, enveloping me into his arms. I remember a time when my dad was taller than me and I was just a little boy, head tucked under his chin.
Now I’m as tall as he is and my hands are as big as his and I hold onto his shoulders, regretting not wearing the sling.
My right arm burns with the effort of keeping my dad close and I break.
My vision blurs and I choke on my tears and I feel crowded, chest heavy.
Dad doesn’t let go. One hand holding me against him, one hand caressing the curls that are just like his. He keeps me close until I can breathe again and I pant into his shirt. “Fordy?” he whispers.
“I know, I know. I’m seeing my therapist on Monday.” Thinking about how fucked up I am, I almost want to laugh. How could such a perfect man give birth to such a mess? I blame Mom, blame her for everything.
“It’s not that.” Dad guides me to a bench and in the distance, I see Ash and his brothers, Winnie and Pippa hanging around Pippa’s mom. From far away Martin, Edwin and Erik look incredibly similar. Tall, long legs, broad shoulders. Almost like triplets. Twin A, Twin B and Twin C.
“You know how proud I am of you, right? When me and Lily split up, I was so worried about you. I thought you’d never be able to recover, create your own family.
But you always had Ash. I knew you were never going to be alone.
That man loves you, Ford. And even if you don’t remember the how or the why, I can see that you love him. Even now.”
We both look in Ash’s direction and in that moment he turns to us. From far away, he looks like that child who wanted to play with us, wanted to be saved. He’s fidgeting with his hair and when he catches us staring he faces away quickly.
“Same goes for Winnie. With that father, I never would have imagined Ash to want children. But he did. He does. With you. And when Winnie came to you, she healed something. She healed you from your mother and my divorce and she healed Ash as well as Ash’s brothers.
I don’t think you need to worry about being her dad, Fordy.
She already decided she’s your daughter. Look.”
At his words, I notice that Winnie is rushing towards me, unstable on her short legs. I worry she will fall but I fight myself to stay seated on the bench, my hands twitching as I let her come to me.
My dad and I stare in silence as Winnie makes her way to us and at the corner of my eye, I spot Ash checking on her too while in a conversation. When she reaches us, Winnie demands to be lifted up onto my knees and offers her cheek to my dad for a kiss.
We both comply and the grin that appears on my girl’s face is priceless.
“Da!” She giggles and then goes on to tell a story I cannot follow.
Feeling my dad’s stare on me, I meet his eyes. In this light, they are the deepest brown, just like mine. His hair is a mixture of blonde and grey. I wish it was the same colour as mine, I wish I was an exact copy of him. “I wish I could be more like you,” I tell him.
My dad smiles, “And I wish I could be more like you, son. You’re here, you are alive. Don’t waste it.”
???
We spend the day outside and when Winnie and Pippa grow tired and the adults grow hungry, we decide to head to the pub.
There’s not much choice in Sheffield so we go to our ‘usual’ and apparently, everyone knows the Bergman-Hales around here.
A few people stop by our table and greet Ash.
They ask about my recovery and I tilt my head to one side, then to the other.
“It’s going,” I say unconvinced.
A woman in her fifties introduces herself as Kirsty and takes our orders.
When it’s my turn, she asks if I want my usual. Looking at Ash, I check with him. “Do I want my usual?”
“Trust me, son. You want your usual,” Kirsty replies and then moves on to my dad, pen clicking furiously. “And what can I bring you today, handsome?”
My dad has a weird blush on his cheeks as he tells Kirsty exactly what he wants to eat and once Kirsty is gone, Martin leans in.
“So are you two gonna shag this time?” Martin asks and my dad hides his face in his hands.
Pippa’s mom covers Pippa’s ears with her hands and shakes her head disapprovingly. “Martin, you are incorrigible.”
“Someone had to fucking say it, man. Miss Kirsty is constantly giving you the eye and you look like you’d order her from the menu.”
Dipping his chin down, my dad grimaces, muttering something to himself. Then, he straightens his spine and looks at me, seeking approval.
“She seems nice.” I relax against the booth and offer a genuine smile in his direction.
“Alright then,” he tells himself.
Next to me, Ash clears his voice. Winnie is on his knees, holding my finger with one hand and a fork with the other.
We all turn our eyes to Ash and I notice how he’s picking at his nails nervously, something he only does when there’s something on his mind.
It’s gone just as quickly, and a teasing grin appears on his lips instead.
“Shall we give Erik our worst twin name suggestions?”
Erik groans in exasperation but we all chime in happily, shouting the worst combinations that we can think of. Lizzy and Betty. Clark and Bruce. Ginger and Ale. When Kirsty brings us the food, she delivers the best suggestion: Fish and Chips.
“That works for any gender. Thank me later, mister Erik Bergman.”
My dad beams at her as she gathers our plates and retreats to the kitchen. I don’t recall ever seeing him so bashful around a woman, not even Mom.
When we leave the pub it’s almost dark out and I elbow my dad on the way out, pointing at Kirsty.
Shaking his head, my dad waves at her. “Not now, Fordy. Today is for the family.” He gives me a long hug outside, and then Martin gives me one, as well as Edwin, Erik, Pippa’s mom and finally, little Pippa.
Everyone wishes us goodnight and then Ash, Winnie and I are on our way home.
We walk slowly and by the time we reach our sweet red-brick home, Winnie is asleep in my arms. I study the outside of the house, thinking of the first time I have been here, in 2020, when Ash had just moved in with Jonathan.
It was a different house then. It didn’t feel like a home.
Ash is silent as he opens the door and lets me and Winnie in first.
“Make sure she brushes her teeth. I will make myself tea,” he says, locking the door behind us and making his way down the hallway to the kitchen.
Once Winnie’s teeth are brushed and she’s asleep in her crib, I make my way downstairs to find Ash outside in the cold night, a full mug of tea before him. No cigarettes.
I sit beside him, wondering why he’s outside. Alone.
“I heard you earlier, in the park,” Ash says carefully.
There it is. I gulp down, thinking of my conversation with my dad. “What did you hear?”
He simply raises his eyebrow and crosses his arms, and I know instantly.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m just trying to make sense of all this.”
I try averting Ash’s gaze but he’s staring at me and the hurt written on his face makes me sweat. I start bouncing my legs and hold my right arm to my chest, massaging the muscles around my injured elbow.
“I don’t even remember a life without you in it.
My family… you know how little I speak with my mother.
My dad’s everything I’ve ever had. And now, I wake up and there’s a whole bunch of you waiting for me.
You and Winnie and… You know how my brain works, always removing the bad stuff.
But you, your memories are all there. Good or bad, you have always been there. My best friend, my whole life.”
Ash frowns, his body rigid on the metal chair. “Not all memories are there.”
“Exactly.” My voice cracks, growing louder. “So forgive me for trying to come to fucking terms with the fact that apparently, out of everything I could have forgotten, I forgot you. I don’t know how to fucking remember you!”
Ash doesn’t say anything, only raises his head to the starry night and then lowers it back down immediately, as if blinded by the idea of infinity.
“Somehow, you are all I forgot,” I repeat under my breath, feeling the tightening in my throat.
Clutching his chest, Ash hunches over, his long back curving downward. “I see. And here I was, thinking we were making progress.” Barely a whisper. Defeated and insecure.
“I’m just trying to be okay with the fact that I lost my best friend.” I wish my voice sounded clearer. I wish I wasn’t choking back tears.
“You did not lose me, though. I’m right here.”
And I don’t have the heart to explain to him that it’s not the same thing. Having Ash as a friend and having him as a boyfriend is not the same. There must be a difference, a deadly contrast.
But the more I try to find it, the less sense it makes. I can’t explain it to Ash, because I don’t believe it myself.
There had been a time when I thought I had lost Ash for good. This is nothing like that.